Friday, October 15, 2010

Lunar weight loss

The moon is shrinking. That’s what the eggheads at NASA are saying, and who are we to doubt them? So if you’re planning to build a holiday home there, you’d better buy a plot of land before prices go through the roof. 

When important news like this breaks, one should pass it on. 

“The moon is getting smaller,” I said to the manager of the safari camp. 

“Yeah, but Uranus is getting bigger!” he retorted. 

I patted him on the head as he sniggered delightedly at his own wit. 

“Your mastery of scatological puns makes my sphincter dilate in awe,” I said. “But have you no interest in the fate of our heavenly neighbour, whose ethereal light bathes the African night in silvery splendour?” 

“No!” he replied stubbornly. “The lanterns in the garden give us all the light we need and they don’t churn up the sea with stupid fucking tides. The moon can kiss my behind!” 

I saw no point in pressing the matter with a man whose soul was so utterly devoid of poetry. I suspect he secretly fears the moon as the malevolent force behind werewolves and other apocryphal demons. Humans can be very superstitious. 

The next person I passed the news to was a middle-aged American woman of impressive girth, who had just arrived at the safari guesthouse. 

“No kidding?” she said. “I wish I could make my butt shrink as well.” 

I could not let this unworthy sentiment pass without comment. 

“Unlike a lump of rock, Madam, your posterior has important biological functions, such as bearing the not inconsiderable weight it is attached to. It has every right to expand to whatever size is required to perform the task.” 

“You don’t say?” she remarked. “That’s the first time I heard anyone speak in defence of my tush. What are you, the UN protector of asses’ rights?” 

“No, but I’d accept the job if they offered it to me,” I said. “I like to stick up for the unappreciated organ.” 

“Oh I appreciate it just fine, I just wish it wasn’t so big. Diets don’t seem to work so I’m thinking of getting it surgically reduced.” 

To say I was flabbergasted by this statement would belittle the extent of my consternation. 

“You cannot be serious, Madam!” I exclaimed with far more gravitas than John McEnroe. “Are you aware that deflating a beach ball merely produces a flabbier version of the same thing? Women who have undergone this perverse procedure must bitterly regret the shrivelled old pumpkin they got lumbered with. A fat, juicy peach is better than a prune.” 

“Hmm,” she mused. “I’m not convinced but thanks for your input. I’ll mention your concerns to my doctor.” 

I hope my cautionary words will be enough to dissuade her. Let me add that I make no judgments about women who undergo cosmetic surgery on their faces, boobs, or even their cha-chas. Sometimes a woman has to do what a woman has to do. But the rump should never be messed with. Some things are sacred to a gorilla.

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AHHH...a true ass man! Um I mean ass gorilla?? that just doesn't even sound for the moon...if it is getting smaller, what does that mean for all the crazy people who rely on a full moon as an excuse?
This photo cannot possibly be one of the shrinking moon, right GB? It looks more like an expansive ass-teroid!
What the moon needs is more calories!
Ha! Love the John McEnroe reference
'“Your mastery of scatological puns makes my sphincter dilate in awe,” I said.' LMAO. That line alone made my fucking morning. I think I actually snotted in my coffee.*

*now undrinkable

I agree with you, too, about rumps. Except maybe that one in the photo here. I believe she could benefit from having a hole bore through each buttcheek, stick in a big hose and then have a volunteer (no, I respectfully decline, good sir) suck the fat stuff out of her ass.

Hilarious post. Cheers!
There are some who express a profound attraction to ample bottoms, to the extent one might refer to it as a fetish. I am not among them, though. A svelte behind of just the right trigonometric tangents and curves is admirable, but not the sole focus of my attention. Gazing at the moon alone has limited appeal.
No one is messing with my arse!
Joanna Cake October 2010
Martyrmom: Crazy people don't need excuses, Martyrmom. If the moon doesn't shine, they'll stare at the stars.

Robyn: A slow-moving ass-teriod, Robyn. Too slow too burn up in the atmosphere, but only a danger if it makes a direct hit.

Static: McDonalds should send a rocket full of Big Macs there. You deserve to be the commander of that mission.

Nursemyra: Do you remember the silly song about McEnroe, Nursie? I couldn't find it on You Tube.

Kelly: Thanks, man, I'm proud to have brought you mirth.
But c'mon, her butt isn't that bad! I would definitely slap it if she asked me. I might even kiss it if it was clean.

Robert: I think the picture proves that an ample bottom can also be round and reasonably firm. Those qualities are surely more important size.

Joanna: I should hope not, Joanna, your arse is almost perfect! I prefer rather bigger ones, but that's just my fetish.
I love how you say “fucking tides” and they “behind” instead of ass!

I was doing great until the last photo; that one fucked up my day.
Poetic and profound as usual Mr Bananas. I am half Chilean, and we love big bottoms. :)
I have no problems with men wanting to land upon the moon. I do not wish to have them venture upon my lunar landscape.
Sacred indeed. I recommend she be examined for mental imbalances.

Ass rights are important, the UN really ought to consider forming a committee on it.
the way you string words together is a thing of beauty. For realz.

I wouldn't be surprised if she forgoes the surgery and instead has a life-sized gorilla tattooed on her buttocks.
Is the moon getting smaller? Or are we just moving further away...?
Scott: Hello and welcome, Scott. Few people are consistent in their use of profanity. Why you don't you like the photo? I find much to admire in it.

CSR: Thank you, Ms CSR. Mixed-race humans are often the best-looking ones!

Madame Defarge: Surely no man would dare to without your written permission, Madame D. Such an affront on your person would be tantamount to civil disorder.

Alpha Za: Yes, it's about time the UN did something to bring people together. They should start off by nominating celebrity butt ambassadors like Jennifer Lopez.

Bschooled: Many thanks, Ms Bchsooled, I'm glad someone appreciates my wordsmithery. A life-sized gorilla would take a hell of a lot of time to tattoo on anything. If I saw one on a woman's posterior, I would struggle to retain my composure.

Steve: Hi Steve, welcome to the jungle. You know, I never even considered the possibility that the moon might be getting farther away. You must have a astronomical bent and possibly a telescope. Do you remember a TV show called Space 1999? It was good, even though it's now dated in a very obvious way.
I agree...what is she thinking...why Jenifer lopez doesn't have anything on me...
That last photo made my day. I don't prefer fat or skinny. I just like 'em sexy. And sexy is inside. I like your style, GB. I'm subscribing.
Sir Mix-a-Lot and gorillas have the same taste in women.
The Moon
on a cat


As a native Swede, I am particularly proud of my love poetry suite Sonnets for Katie.

My Poems

My wallpaper art Babes!

Sexuality introduces Death to Being; and indeed Life simultaneously. This is the profound Myth of the Eden. The work of the Serpent. Bringing us out of "blessed" Standstill. So, in contrast to the mindless pietism of vulgar Christianity, my personal "Christo-Satanism" should be given serious thought by the Enlightened Few, the Pneumatics, the 1% Outlaws. The Light Bringer must be rehabilitated, beacause if not, the All of it simply doesn't make sense: true Catholicism is necessarily Meta Catholicism.
You can NOT enter black hole. It's impossible. This follows immediately from general relativity theory. Proof: for an object moving let' say (along a straight line) towards a black hole, for any arbitrarily chosen distance it has laid behind itself, the reaining distance is ifinite. CHALLENGE! To all physicists,cosmologists and mathematicians of theworld: disprove THIS if you can. I think not. (Even Stephen Hawking failed tho see the obvious!)you can. I think not. (Even Stephen Hawking failed to see the obvious!)

My philosophy


Un orage nocturne illmuna maintenant l'Amazonie, franchis les Andes, envoya des jeux de cartes gigantesques et frappantes en bas à la Pampa –

Puis: petit déjeuner à melon; café fumant!

À la bague du cigare tu lis, étonné: GÉOGRAPHIE.

My poetry in French:


Schwarzes Birne!
Aufforderung zur Erotik.

My poetry in German:

Fremde Gedichte

And: reciprocity: for mutual benefit, you will do me a favor promoting your own blog on mine!


- Peter Ingestad, Sweden
i enjoy the suggestion that one can reduce the size of their posterior by simply dehydrating and drying it like a fruit. and that it may also keep them regular.
I am sorry to say that that is not one bedroom assignation I would be inclined to keep.
JTLIS: Your self-confidence leaves me breathless, Miss.

Fred: Hello and welcome, Fred. I'm glad you like the picture. You're a man of refined tastes.

Missed Periods: I've never heard of the fellow. Is he a rap singer who likes women with big behinds? Thank you for broadening my education.

Kraxpelax: You've done a very good job of self-promotion, which I will not attempt to compete with.

Kara: Hey, Missy, what have you been up to? I hope you've been keeping well since we last spoke. I wouldn't reduce the size of your posterior by one millimeter.

Walking Man: If that's the way you feel, it's better not to make a date in the first place. She doubtless has other more enthusiastic suitors.
I am now following you because of the link Robyn Engel had over on her blog. I'm so glad I did because you have me seriously laughing out loud over the "Uranus is getting bigger". Hold on, I need a moment. Haaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Loved that.
Hello and welcome, Kelley. The joke is not an original one, but I'm glad it made you laugh.
@ Mr. Bananas: And that is a mission I'd happily accept.
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