Monday, October 25, 2010

The Facebook fixation

A tourist recently advised me to set up a Facebook account. 

“You don’t exist if you’re not on Facebook,” she opined. “I added another 20 friends last month, which took me over 1000.” 

“We gorillas are not so promiscuous in the making of friends,” I replied. “If you pat too many dogs on the head, you’re liable to catch fleas.” 

I didn’t tell her that I do, in fact, have a Facebook account, which I never update and discourage people from visiting. I use it purely to engage in psychological warfare against those who lampoon the great apes. The lampooners adopt cunning disguises to avoid exposure, but that doesn’t stop me from responding to their cowardly barbs with chest-thumping vigour. They need to know that the eyes of the Hairy One are upon them. 

Some notable humans have spoken out against Facebook. One of them is Miss Drew Barrymore, the chubby-cheeked child star who blossomed into a chubby-cheeked adult one. She complained that Facebook was spoiling her love life by giving her too much information about her suitors before meeting them on first dates. 

“If a guy plays the ukulele or has an extra penis, I want to find out about it in the normal way instead of reading it on his Facebook profile,” she declared. 

She makes a good point. There are far too many posturing dandies who advertise their assets on Facebook, enticing desperate females to stalk them obsessively. When will women realise that men who disclose their personal affairs in such a forum will never offer reliable service? Far better that they should take their chances with the honest fellow who repairs their TV set and allows them to play with his tool box. 

Facebook did not exist when I was in the circus, so my fans had to write me letters in the old-fashioned way. One such missive was from a young lady called Sophie Dahl, who said she was an aspiring model and invited me to lunch. This put me in an awkward position. I didn’t want to disappoint a female admirer, but was reluctant to dine with a human stick-insect who would peck at her food and put me off my own victuals. I decided to accept her invitation, reasoning that I could always fill my belly afterwards at Luigi and Dino’s Pasta House. 

When I arrived at her residence, the door was opened by a buxom blonde of generous proportions who greeted me like a long lost friend. I felt like a farmer who enters a hen house to find a goose honking at him affectionately. Sophie had prepared a fine meal, and when we sat down to eat she put it away like a hungry mare. I naturally ate a little more than her to show proper appreciation of her cooking. After lunch, we lay down together on her mohair rug, digesting our food and discussing the future of the Congo Basin ecosystem 

Would such an afternoon of pleasant surprises be possible in today’s Facebook bazaar? I think not.

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What a wonderful and sensual afternoon. You're right - you wouldn't want to see her FB page. What if SHE revealed she had an extra penis or something worse? Good call.
"...honest fellow who repairs their TV set".

My god, my ape friend, you have dallied too long in the jungle. No one repairs TV sets, or any mechanical device, any more - they cast them, in their entirety, into the landfill.

Repairmen of any sort are a vestige of the days of yore when men worked with their hands. We have come down from the trees... we are all in Financial Services now.
i know several excellent bicycle repairmen and would be lost without them. i'd be horrified if drew knew i had a bent derailleur before we got to know each other.
Why does Drew Barrymore just not read the FB pages of the men she's dating? Or is she that stupid?

To be honest, that she can read earns her a few brownie points.

As for Sophie Dahl... she has bad dragon breath in the morning.
Sophie Dahl was gorgeous when plump... lucky you GB
I thought everyone lied on Facebook or is that tax returns?
haha, brilliant. I expect that Sophie Dahl Became a quite regular acquaintance from that point fortwith.

facebook certainly kills the mystery out of potential mates, particularly when one starts utilizing them like profiles and extolling the virtues of long walks on the beach (which I'm not opposed to, but isn't that rather just walk along the a hobby)
Yeah I am not up on all the facebook's getting kind of cheesy..why they wouldn't even let me keep[ up my topless photos...I'd rather do the talking anyway via bloog...
Tessa and I both have facebook accounts. And fleas. It's a good excuse for foreplay.
V&GB: Her extra penis would have posed no threat to our platonic relationship, Ms Vodka. Yet knowing that she had one might have spoiled my appetite, so your point is a valid one.

Robert: But isn't the manufacturer entitled to send a repair man if the TV set breaks down? I can't believe these worthy men have been thrown on the scrap heap.

Billy: Drew is surely a girl who would accept a bent organ attached to a man who could charm her.

Steve: It might not be that easy to ingore stuff when you've been bitten by the Facebook bug. Your gratuitous insult to Sophie doesn't surprise me. A bosomy blonde is like a red rag to you, isn't it?

Nursemyra: I quite agree, Nursie. I was a very lucky ape.

Rubbish: Apparently everyone lies on dating sites. I'm not sure you can get away with it on Facebook.

Alpha Za: Women are supposed to like walking arm-in-arm along moonlit beaches, which must be why men list it as a hobby. If you lie on Facebook, might not the friends you actually know you blow the whistle?

JTLIS: I am saddened that you were denied the right to have your titties admired, Miss. You are right to boycott Facebook for their arrogance.

Fred: Well, if you both have fleas you don't have to worry about catching them off each other!
To be honest, a bosomy blonde would be as welcome as a bosomy brunette, i.e. always and very.
I know can you believe?
GB, Did you know there's a FB group you can join called "Whatever Happened To Those Chicks Who Used To Lie On Mohair Rugs and Discuss The Future Of The Congo Basin Ecosystem?"

(I should know, I'm a member...)
I'm imagining the excitement of discovering that my date plays the ukele with his second penis, keeping me satisfied with his first. That's it, ban facebook for all time. As always, you are brilliant, GB!
I think your anti-Facebook manifesto reeks of fascism. In the immortal words of Woody Guthrie, "All you fascists bound to lose. You bound to lose. You fascists bound to lose." Power to the people!
Drew Barrymore wants to find out if a dude has an extra penis before Facebook gives her the "heads up"? Why... Why who does that lil' Miss Fancypants thinks she is?

That boobilicious babe should desire to be surprised with something stunning like that suddenly happening to her during a heated night of passion between her and Mr. TwoPenis.


And btw... "Farcebook" is my hero. It's just too terrific... lol... Sorry... Couldn't say that with a straight face. Or even a crooked one. Good day.
@7masterheathen (Kelly): sharing pictures of your hairy crooked man-crack aren't valid Facebook status updates.
Gorilla, baby, I want to love reading this but I'm just so jealous hearing about your other females.
Steve: I'm glad to hear it - I was wondering whether you had a grudge against busty blondes. I have always found them inoffensive.

JTILIS: It's their loss, Miss. I would be honoured to have your topless photos on my website.

Bschooled: Well don't expect me to join, I haven't kept in touch with her. It's not that easy to maintain old friendships when you live in the jungle.

Robyn: Haha, thanks Robyn. A penis that could play the ukulele would truly be a wonder of Nature. Is there a good ukulele tune for love-making?

Static: Hitler would have probably banned Facebook, but that's not what I was suggesting. I was just warning women not to tangle with men who boast on it. I suggest you re-read the piece, my dear fellow.

Kelly: That "boobilicious babe" is Sophie. I don't blame you for wanting to put your extra penis between her boobs, but you'll have to hone your conversation skills before she'll let you anywhere near her. You could start by reading up on the Congo Basin Ecosystem.

Gucci Mama: That was all in the past, honey, and you don't need to worry about the hairy ladies either. They don't get jealous of human chicks.
I post to tumblr and then it automatically posts to facebook, and essentially I'm killing 3 birds with one post. That's 3 times the readers for my posting buck. So...when my 2nd testicle descends, I'll be able to tell many more people with less energy. It's quite efficient...and how EXCITING!!! Mainly because I'm a female...
Crap. I posted the above post BEFORE i read the post below it.
I essentially only use Facebook as an address book, a database of people I may want to contact someday. It also allows people to send me email. I recently had to disable my wall comments and hide my photographs and notes because too many casual acquaintances and family members were asking to be my friends.

We all wear masks, and I'd prefer to keep certain masks for the proper audiences. Especially if those masks make dick jokes.
What is the normal way to find out your date has two penises?
I don’t think I ever told you but Drew Barrymore is my soul mate. We were even born on the same day a few years apart. Plus she’s like, sexy.

I’ll friend you, don’t worry!

This was hilarious!
Is there a future for the Congo Basin ecosystem? Enquiring minds need to know. Or is it like Ugandan discussions?
Katzbox: "Tumblr" is another silly word I'm trying to avoid learning about. I don't begrudge you your excitement, but I already have as much as I can handle.

Chris: Have you blocked anyone? That's the most effective way of keeping undesirables at arm's length...which is a long distance in my case.

Missed Periods: Your date should mention it in passing when offering you a bread stick.

Scott: How lucky you are. I would like to adopt Drew as a pet and teach her to climb trees. Could you recommend me as a friend?

Madame Defarge: I was hoping a British reader would notice the Congo Basin / Uganda parallel! You do not disappoint, Madame D, but I was only teasing! The ecosystem has a robust future and is worthy of discussion in its own right.
I have had only two Hollywood crushes -- Drew being the latest. My first, perhaps not surprisingly, was Marie Dressler.

As for Facebook, I can't imagine anyone giving a toss about what I'm up to. (And I certainly had enough fake friends in high school.)

Repairmen? The refrigerator sort still exist... tool belts, rictus smile and all.

Jeebus, I love this blog.
You had a crush on Marie Dressler? That's quite appropriate, because she might well have crushed you.
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