Monday, August 30, 2010

War and Peace

A young fellow at the safari guesthouse asks me whether gorillas are fond of jungle warfare. I smile benignly at the boy before answering. 

“We make every effort to resolve our disputes peacefully, son,” I explain. “Raiding, pillaging and the scorching of enemy private parts are activities we leave to chimpanzees and humans.” 

The boy looks disappointed, so I give him a stick of liquorice and send him on his way with an avuncular pat on the head. In time, he will realise that life is not a video game where you can survive being blasted to smithereens by a bazooka and return to the fray with your pectoral muscles glistening like Rambo. 

Humans, of course, are quite capable of behaving like gorillas when they want to. Consider the recent case of a small town in Ohio, where a long-running and bitter feud between the local church and the local strip club has ended in a great big love-in. After weeks of name-calling and face-pulling, the churchgoers realised the strippers were just fellow human beings who happened to make a living by wiggling their jahoobies in front of salivating men. Much credit must go to their pastor, who softened their hearts with a moving sermon: 

“Were not Adam and Eve naked in the Garden of Eden before Satan laughed at their private parts and made them ashamed?” he declared. “Who are we to cast the first stone at our fallen sisters, some of whom have breasts like two young roes which feed among the lilies?” 

Brimming with compassion, members of the congregation then approached the strippers with opened arms to hug them and give them succour. Two of the strippers were immediately touched by the Spirit of the Lord, while affirming they wouldn’t be quitting their jobs anytime soon. 

"Our hearts are with Jesus, but our bodies are at the Foxhole," said one of them. 

Meanwhile, the owner of the strip club and the pastor are discussing how to settle the dispute amicably. If I were mediating, I would propose the following four-point plan: 

(1) Find the strippers rich husbands so they don’t have to work anymore. America is full of dirty old billionaires like J Howard Marshall who are looking for trophy wives whose breasts can be stroked with their nose hairs. 

(2) To avoid depriving the owner of the strip club of his income, the ladies of the congregation should work for him on a no-fee basis. This would allow the strip club to make the necessary reduction its entry charge while still making a profit for its proprietor. 

(3) The strip club’s customers would themselves be required to disrobe before watching the volunteer strippers. This would avoid the degrading spectacle of fully-clothed men leering at naked Christian ladies. 

(4) A chaperone would be hired to prevent the whole thing degenerating into an orgy. Most gorillas would be well-qualified for the job, but I wouldn’t do it myself. Too much human nudity gives me the willies. 

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I am familiar with this story - church members had picketed the Foxhole club. So the owner first sued the church for loss of revenue but lost the suit.

So the girls handed vengeance back to the lord and mounted their own protest outside the church.

For the church, the option was "truce or consequences".
I've never had my breasts stroked by nose hairs. I imagine it's rather an unpleasant sensation
I'm glad those girls' hearts are with Jesus. It would be a shame if there were atheists in the Foxhole.
Why do Christians insist that anything pleasurable is sinful?

GB, you can stroke my breasts with your nose hairs anytime.
I bet all those Jesus lovin' protesters have been frequenting the club - in disguise - all along. It keeps them faithful. These things always have an element of hypocricy.
The two are not incompatible. In Northampton there was a Thai massage parlour next door to a Methodist church. The Thai girls used to do the flowers for the church. Sweet.
"Breasts like two young Roe's that feed amongst the Lillies"? Did he really say that?
Robert: What?! Are you implying they were only pretending to forgive the strippers? What a cynical suggestion!

Nursemyra: It might be OK if you close your eyes, Nursie.

Kyknoord: Ah yes! That famous saying has never been so apt!

Madam Z: I don't actually have many nose hairs, Madam Z. So perhaps I could oblige you with another part of my hairy body.

Robyn: Yes, they probably disguised themselves as Mormons by donning false whiskers.

Lady Daphne: I believe the Thais can do most things with a pure heart, milady. Their famous massages are surely no exception.

Rubbish: Certainly he did! That phrase is a quote the Bible!
Awesome. Maybe they could start stripping to hymn music?
You're like the Nelson Mandela of hostile tensions between strippers and anti-stripper Christians. All you want is to cum in peace.
What good ideas you had, GB! The best quote is still the stripper's one though; 'our hearts are with Jesus but our bodies are at the Foxhole'. LOL! :-)
No doubt the strippes must have been overwhelmed with the pastor's kindness... "breasts like two young roes which feed among the lilies" LOL.

I'm sure his superior -whatever the religion is- will have a few words with him soon.
and we all know most stripper are just stripping until they get through college and get a job that pays taxes! How ever I think after getting my master's degree I am going to stip
Lady of the Manor: I'm trying to think of a suitable hymn. 'O come all ye faithful' perhaps?

Ms Vodka: "Cum in peace" is a contradiction in terms, Ms Vodka. But thank you for comparing me to Mandela.

Eve: Hello Eve, nice to hear from you! That was a clever remark, wasn't it? I think it's called 'having it both ways'.

Leni: He was quoting from the Song of Solomon, so he can argue it was a holy observation.

JTILIS: I shall look forward to your graduation, Miss!
Bananas Worse than that... I am leveling a middle finger of damnation and denouncing the "holy rollers" for having made a deal with the Devil. Praise Be! Amen!
Little bit rough on girls who are just trying to make ends meet. I suppose there might be one or two who actively enjoy cavorting around stark naked apart from a thin film of babyoil, but for the most part I'd guess they're just hoping to make the rent.

All a little sad, really.
Robert: You have anticipated the subject matter of my next post. Are you psychic?

Jon: I wouldn't condemn them even if they did enjoy cavorting in the nude. It is all part of life's rich tapestry.
I foresee an abundance of bananas at the next Harvest Festival...
Does that cryptic prophesy have anything to do with me?
Wow boobs and nose hair. Never thought someone could use both in one sentence. Congrats! Though it is a very disturbing picture. I could not let nose hairs any where close to my boobs. ~*shudders*~

Lead them not into temptation, for they can find it themselves.
Well, Miss BeMistified, would you never let anyone nuzzle your boobs? You can't have the nose without the nose hairs.
Well I am already graduated now I am looking fore a full time strip job...I mean I got the big boobs part down....
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