Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Pie damages in Canada

A tourist once asked if I ever had an egg thrown at me during a circus performance. 

“Never!” I declared emphatically. “Not even a person who hated my act would have dared! By God, I would have caught the egg and hurled it back with interest!” 

I was reminded of this conversation on hearing that the police in Vancouver have paid damages to a lawyer they believed was plotting to throw a pie at the prime minister. In their zeal to protect the nation’s chief executive, they arrested the lawyer and subjected him to a strip search, expecting to find a pie hidden in his rectum. But the lawyer was much too crafty to hide the pie there, realising it would be the first place the police would look. So the police found no evidence of the conspiracy, and the lawyer rubbed salt into their wounds by suing them for wrongful arrest and unjustified digital penetration. 

The Vancouver Police Department might have avoided this ignominy if they’d studied the modus operandi of other crooked lawyers. We Africans remember the case of an American lawyer involved in diamond smuggling. He hired a local transvestite to pose as his wife so he could hide the gems in her empty bra cups. Fortunately, a drunk passenger reported the transvestite to a security guard after groping her tits and concluding she was carrying a bosom bomb. Even a drunkard knows what a woman’s breasts are supposed to feel like. The transvestite broke down under interrogation and confessed to everything, revealing that the lawyer had insisted on conjugal rights as part of the deal. These legal vultures will squeeze every last drop from a contract. 

So, as with most plots and intrigues, the motto to follow when investigating scheming lawyers is cherchez la femme. If the VPD had rounded up the lawyer’s female associates and threatened to strip-search them, the guilty women would have surely pulled out hidden pies from under their skirts and blouses. There’s no point trying to conceal your ammo when you’re going to be probed from head to foot. 

The deeper question thrown up by this affair is whether politicians should be protected from people who want to throw pies at them. Getting a pie in the face is an unpleasant distraction if you’re not expecting it, but it never does serious damage. I must have seen hundreds of clowns get facialized without being harmed by the experience. 

Preserving the dignity of high office is fine in principle, but expecting the police to hunt down every pie-thrower is taking it too far. If I were the prime minister of Canada, I would prefer to take my chances and dodge the pies, while reserving my right to deliver summary justice to anyone who managed to land a lucky shot. I’d like to see how many subversive lawyers would dare to hatch a pie-conspiracy after watching me grab one of their colleagues and rub his face into my sweaty armpits. 

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I wouldn't waste a nice looking pie on a politician. If I was a gorilla, I would throw poop on them. Poop for politicians are more fitting.
A pie in the face certainly beats a pawful of poop in the face. However, I hear most politicians enjoy looking at clowns getting facialized porn at

How embarrassing for them. I think that is punishment enough in some cases.
I think our congressional elections here in the States should be decided on a massive pie fight. The party emerging with the least amount of meringue is the victorious. Knowing our people, though, someone will certainly stash a rock in the filling... the Secret Service would never approve.
Did someone say pie?
Dammit, it was just a trick to lure me in.

There is something enjoyable about being frisked by the strong arm of authority, but I would claw their eyes out if they ever tried to strip search me.
I'm old-fashioned that way.

I'm always frisked when I go through airport security, but always by women. So very boring.
Does one have to be a politician to be smacked with a pie? That's a big price to pay..but worth it, I suppose.
I love a good facial
It would have been a far more serious threat if the PM had been menaced with a pie chart.
Ms Wannabe: You don't have to be a gorilla to throw poop. But I suggest you throw a gorilla's poop to cover your tracks.

Static: Getting facialized is part of a clown's art. Politicians could learn a lot from their control of facial muscles.

Robert: Ah yes, it's election year again in America. If in doubt, vote for the candidate with the firmest butt.

Donut girl: I'm not surprised they want to frisk you, Ms Donut. I've often wondered what you're made of myself.

Robyn: I'm sure you could find someone who'd pie you if that's what you're into, Robyn. You could also try being served naked inside a giant pie.

Nursemyra: Is that the secret of your beauty, Nursie?

Kyknoord: Yeah, they can give you a nasty paper cut.
Okay.. back up here. Circus? Performer? Sweet jumpin jeebus.. youre not a clown are you?!!
even if they would've found a pie on the lawyer, how were they going to prove that he was intending to chuck it at the politician instead of sharing it with him?

What do they want to do? Close down all bakeries because they encourage terrorism?!
@ GB: But aren't most politicians clowns to begin with?
Dunno. Rectum pie seems a little cruel and unusual. I would definitely want these n'er do wells sniffed out (heh) if I was a politician.
You know, some of these bozos don't even throw proper pies? It's more like shaving foam on a paper plate. If I were to pie someone it would be a proper steak & kidney job in a foil tray, just as God intended.
A Welsh threw a negg at Deputy PM and crypto-Welsh, John Prescott, in 2002. Prezza flung back a couple of fists. Made the news, but the Saxons never realized that this was a gay courtship ritual. Prezz is something of a "bear" pin-up for the two homosexuals still at large in Wales. Perhaps this pie business is some sort of Esquimaux come-on.
It's obvious that the police didn't see through the lawyer's cunning plan - he had eaten the pie and planned to throw it in the form of poop. Far more portable and less easy to use as incriminating evidence.

They're devious these legal people!

There have been a few reports in recent years of our politicians being on the receiving end of cake ingredients like flour and egg but, as Jon in France said, invariably comedy pies these days are just paper plates covered in shaving foam - I've been to enough pantos to recognise this dumbing down of our constitutional right to express our dissatisfaction.

Having said all that, it is great fun to be on the receiving end of the Chuckle Brothers when sitting in the front five rows of the audience. Just don't wear your best frock :)
Mama Holly: Howdy Mama! No, I'm not a clown, although I've kicked a fair number in the butt. I worked with many clowns in my circus days.

Debbie: Good point, Deb, although it would have been rather suspicious if he had a pie hidden on his person. Perhaps they were hoping to extract a confession.

Static: Politicians have natural talent, but they're not entitled to call themselves clowns until they've graduated from clown school. Apprentice clowns, perhaps.

Brutalism: It should be easy to train dogs to sniff out pies, but stopping them eating the evidence may be a problem.

Jon: Steak and kidney doesn't sound sticky enough. I think it ought to be a dessert like lemon meringue.

Mr Boyo: Prezza is a Welsh? Admittedly he has the build of a Llanelli front row forward, but doesn't he come from Hull or somewhere? That was a great straight left he landed.

Joanna: Yes, the foam pies are pathetic. I favour gooey desserts which leave a sticky residue on the face.
'These legal vultures will squeeze every last drop out of a contract' - brilliant!

In view of the burst of shoe-throwing incidents in India, our politicians would I think vastly prefer pie on their faces.Better be pieous than soleful they'd say (please forgive a dreadful pun).
Don't waste your cakes thrwing them at politicians... poop, rotten eggs, ink, green custard is ok.

And if I were one of them, I would never ever sue a lawyer. I know what I'm talking about.
@ Mr. Bananas: graduating from clown school is difficult. I've been enrolled on the 5-year plan, and it's a six week program.
Doctor: Yes, I did a post on the Indian shoe-throwing epidemic. I think I suggested that Indian politicians wear crash helmets.

Leni: I never knew custard could be green, Leni. Is it a euphemism for vomit?

Static: It will probably take that long to file down the point on your head.
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