Monday, August 16, 2010

Fringe benefits

Back home from Scotland, a place I normally avoid for fear of being nipped by icy breezes and accosted by intoxicated natives. It was only the lure of a cultural festival featuring artists such as Miss Behave, Mrs Bang and Ms American Cougar that tempted me to venture into Haggis Territory. 

I don’t want to say too much about Behave and Bang. The former was more bossy than naughty and the latter rewarded the audience for laughing at her jokes by exposing a portion of her milky-white flesh. I would have laughed like a hyena if I hadn’t been falling asleep, her act being well past my normal bedtime. 

It was Sandra Risser, the American Cougar, whose hot flashes of brilliance illuminated the dingy tavern in which she performed, leaving me with a tingling sensation in my toes. Her act broke new ground by being mainly interactive, and as a keen interactor, I was the first to raise my hand and catch her eye. I began, as one should on such occasions, with a compliment: 

“Ms Risser, may I say how positively radiant you are this evening? Your skin glows like the waters of the River Congo at sunset.” 

“It’s the menopause!” cried a cheeky Caledonian voice from the audience. 

I silenced the guffaws with a loud grunt. A gorilla does not appreciate having his compliments mutilated by a heckler. 

“I’ll hang you upside down by your ankles so you know what the menopause feels like!” I shouted menacingly. 

It was at this point that Ms Risser intervened. 

“Jeez, Mr Gorilla, you’re so gallant on my behalf! Are you married? Don’t answer that, I’ll settle for being your mistress. Living in a tree would make my butt sore. Actually I have a recurring menopause. My first one started when I was 35 and it comes back every 5 years with a brighter glow. If I walk into my garden at night moths fly around my head. Did you have a question?” 

“Yes indeed, Ms Risser,” I replied. “My question is this: Are there rules which if broken by a cougar would result in her expulsion from the ranks of cougardom? For example, is a cougar allowed to have sex with an older man?” 

“Sure, why not?” she replied. “Doing it once doesn't count anyway. You’re still a virgin after a one night stand. I lost my virginity to 23 different men.” 

She continued in this vein, improvising effortlessly in response to the jocular (and often impertinent) questions thrown in her direction. At the end of her act, she invited me to join her for a drink. As we sat at our table, she assured me that her offer to be my mistress had been a joke. 

“Of course it was, Sandra!” I exclaimed. “Your slender haunches could never bear the pressure!” 

“You used to perform in a circus, right?” she asked. 

“Yes,” I replied. 

“How did you manage to fill the void in your life after you gave it up? I’m 69 and the thought of retiring terrifies me.” 

“Well, Sandra, living in the wild helps. Your life is never empty when spiders and snakes are crawling nearby.” 

“You could be right,” she said with a smirk. “But I may have to get a pet snake at my age.” 

I nodded silently, judging that further serpentine matters could be left safely in her hands. She obviously knew more about pet snakes than I did. 

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I once knew a stripper who allegedly lost her virginity 163 times. Coincidentally, she also had dementia. Shit happens.

*heckle heckle
I would imagine Ms Risser has choked many a one-eyed Pocket Snake in her day.
I think a gorilla vs. cougar would be a better match than cougar vs. pet snake.

I watched The Feebles last night and it seems like a fair representation of your universe.
Meet the Feebles? That is one crazy ass film Borah!
GB, your brilliance is surpassed only by the rising sun. I worship your wit.
I'm glad you had a good time with the Cougar in Scotland, though perhaps not as good as the snakes had.
Welcome back, GB. I'm sure Edinburgh misses you already.
Hey, you're back!
Glad you had such a good time with Sandra. She makes cougardom sound like so much fun.

“Your slender haunches could never bear the pressure!”
Uh, what?
You're talking about sitting in a tree, right?!
Static: I'm sure the poor woman did not benefit from your acquaintance.

Robert: You shouldn't be making bawdy remarks about a native of San Francisco. Where's your civic pride?

Borah: There are several important differences, Deb. I don't have a hand up my arse, for example.

Nursemyra: You have inspired me to order the DVD, Nursie!

Madam Z: Thank you, dear lady, I remain your obedient servant as always.

Robyn: Snakes are strange creatures, Robyn. They should enjoy being petted by a cougar, but no one can really tell when they're having fun.

Kyknoord: I wouldn't blame them for missing me, but I won't lengthen my visits unless they improve their climate.

Donut girl: I would never force a mistress of mine to sit in a tree, Ms Donut. The nobbly branches take some getting used to.
Oh GB you meet such interesting people....i wish i could meet someone like sandra...i bet she could teach me thousands of things...i'm having trouble losing it to even one man....woe....
69??? That's not a cougar, that's a crocodile. You should catch your older woman before she completes the menopause, the libido surge dies away pretty quickly unless you resort to chemicals. Only this morning George Clooney stripped down to his boxers and offered to give me a service. I was too busy watering my aspidistra and sent him off to see Scouse Doris.
Many athletes turn to drugs and gambling to fill the void left by leaving arenas filled with thousands of people chanting their name.

Me, I would probably turn to drugs and gambling just for the hell of it.
At what age does a Cougar retire?
Oh Gorilla, this post does not disappoint. But I shudder to think of what the coupling of an ape and a cougar would look like!
“I’ll hang you upside down by your ankles so you know what the menopause feels like!”

Too good GB.

My father is Scottish by way of Texas. What does that make us?
Sabrina: The men where you live are all mummy's boys, Saby. You and Sandra need to go on a road trip together.

Lady Daphne: Maybe Clooney didn't give off the right scent, milady. Your drives and juices won't activate without the right stimulus.

Chris V: Make sure you can afford it. Small stakes and cheap booze.

Rubbish: I don't think there's any fixed retirement age for cougars. Catherine the Great kept going on until the end.

Lola: 'Shudder' is the right word, Lola! The crumpled cougar would barely be visible.

Ms Vodka: No kidding? Have you tried haggis? Something tells me a woman like you would love it. Blowing a bagpipe might me another hidden talent of yours.
wasn't it a head? (sorry I couldn't find a picture of the puppet, but this is what I meant: )
An infamous picture, Deb, but I can't quite work out what it's relevance is? I didn't see anything like that at the Fringe.
@ Gorilla B: "I'm sure the poor woman did not benefit from your acquaintance."

Au contraire, mon hairy frere. She did indeed benefit. I set her free from the institution she was confined to. I released her back into the wild, if you will!..I also sent her with a driver and $500 along with your GPS she should be turning up any moment now!! Aren't you excited?! =D

btw, what is going on with the Blogger "Content Warning" to enter here nowadays? Is your content all that immoral really??
I will debrief her to determine whether your boasting contains any particles of truth. The content warning is a pre-emptive measure I took myself. I may reverse it after more facts emerge.
@ Gorilla B: if I am a source of truthful contents. Speaking of content warning..were you worried some mother gorilla would freak out about her offspring visiting your fine and informative blog? If I may ask, what facts have presented themselves so far..that the old woman I set free has not made it past security at the zoo yet, perhaps?
The were strange and disturbing incidents in the Blogger community involving disappearing blogs and blog comments. The storm seems to have blown over for now.
I see. So you'll be removing the 'Content Warning' then?'s been a pain for me to get in on my pda when I'm out and about at work. =(
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