Monday, July 12, 2010

Soldier Witches

I am delighted to hear that the British Army has 30 serving witches. The manager of the safari camp was less than impressed when I told him. 

“They must be working in a catering unit, making soups and potions,” he said. “You can’t put women up against the Taliban.” 

“Nonsense!” I exclaimed. “They would make mincemeat of the Taliban! Witch combat has come a long way since the days of the Roman Empire, when they charged into battle naked with their tits painted blue. I’ve met some of these English witches and they impressed me hugely with their supple-bodied cunning.” 

The manager then called me “a silly hairy feminist” and went off to the local market to buy his wife slippers and toiletries – a man clearly chafing under a petticoat administration. 

The issue of women serving in the armed forces has been close to my heart ever since I saw the film Private Benjamin. Does anyone remember it? Cute little Goldie Hawn joins the US Army after being widowed on her wedding night. She then proves all her critics wrong by mastering the art of soldiering and making an ass of her dykey commanding officer. 

The most fascinating part of the movie occurs when she is posted to Europe and acquires a French lover. 

“Now I know what I’ve been faking all these years,” she says after being expertly serviced by Henri de Cockville. 

But the relationship is doomed because de Cockville is a philanderer who plays rugby and belongs to the Communist Party. Imagine having your first orgasm with such a rogue! She must have felt quite dirty afterwards. 

Anyway, the film convinced me that women were fully capable of serving bravely on the battlefield. If a Jewish American Princess can do it, so can Betty Boop. Witches have the added advantage of being able to hex the enemy before getting into close combat. 

I was briefly a member of the Communist Party myself, back in my circus days. They made me take lessons in Marxist theory as part of my induction, which is when I got expelled for “reactionary and bourgeois attitudes”. I then got added to their list of enemies, which made me somewhat uncomfortable. 

Fortunately, the revolution never came to England and I breathed a little easier when the Berlin Wall came down in ’89. I still get nervous when anything happens that might presage the fall of Capitalism, which is why I’ve been reading the Wall Street Journal during the recent financial crisis. You may think I’m safe in the Congo, but these buggers are ruthless. Look what they did to Trotsky. 

A few months ago, I was worried that a tourist on safari might be a red assassin. He was a shifty looking fellow with greasy hair and a moustache. I walked right up to him and looked him in the eye. 

“Are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?” I asked. 

“Are you or have you?” he replied, returning my stare. 

Damn sneaky of him to answer a question with a question, particularly as my honest answer would have been “yes”. But it turned out the man was a Scientologist rather than a Communist. Not as dangerous but equally barmy.

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I'd like to take that communist Goldie Hawn straight to Cockville...if you know what I mean. }=]
Witches can be more dangerous than a missile: Apart from their black magic skills, they can easily cast a spell on their enemies, which would save a lot of money in weapons.

I think you're doing fine remaining far from politics, Mr Bananas. You don't really need them in the Congo. Your organizational structure is surely much better than theirs: at least, you neither have commies nor scientologists.
I liked Private Benjamin. Didn't they make a tv series after the movie? I didn't know she was a Jewish American Princess. I like her even more.
Wasn't aware that gorillas had a political bent. I always thought they were happy as long as their bananas were... One lives and learns.

I am a practicing witch. I hope to be a perfect witch someday. Do you think it may help if I were to eat lots of bananas?
Watch out for those Scientologist loonies GB.

Here in France they are officially regarded as a sect rather than a proper religion and are regularly fined, obstensibly for fraud, but actually because the government believes preying on the feeble minded is their prerogative.

The communist party here is alive & well and is taken quite seriously provided it doesn't look like winning anything.

The current leader is a postman with a gammy leg. At least, that's his excuse for being workshy.
Static: That's because you're a red-baiting McCarthyite. To prove you're unbiased you should do the same to Ann Coulter.

Leni: How right you are, Leni, we don't need political agitators of any sort in the Congo. Witches would be welcome if they came here to dance and relax rather than hex anyone.

Robyn: I don't know if she was a JAP in the TV series, but she certainly was in the film. Isn't getting widowed on your wedding night a classic Jewish misfortune?

AV: I didn't join the Communist Party for political reasons; I was expecting them to help me with my personal development.

Madame Z: I would always advise you to eat bananas, Madame Z. And I'd love to watch you practice witchcraft.

Jon: Scientology is definitely a religion for the rich, I think it should be banned for people with assets below 10 million euros. Do the French Communists have any rich supporters?
Hex the enemy before, during and after combat. The witches I've met are pretty huggy-touchy-feely - maybe they can love up the enemy, and get them to lay down their arms in favour of a rave!
Scientologists are barmier by far
I used to think my ex mother-in-law was a witch. She was always concocting noxious potions and cackling. It turns out she was just a bad cook.
Scientology frightens me more than Communism, witches or the Taliban. (Okay, not really more than the Taliban...)
I like how that tourist peered deep into your soul and called you out. That's what I'd do for sure, but I'd be wearing the female condom. I just wear it all the time now for safety. You never know.
What I would do is shock them by flashing the Taliban and then have back up take them out!!!It could work
NOIP: You've met witches too, Suzanne? I'm impressed. We'll have to organise a coven one of these days.

Nursemyra: You are right, Nursie, they are much barmier than Communists. I was being too kind to them.

Kyknoord: She might have been both. Have you kept in touch with her? Perhaps not.

Brutalism: Maybe the Scientologists could convert the Taliban if they put their minds to it. They might die in the attempt, but it's got to be worth a try.

V&GB: There's no need to wear a female condom with me, baby. I practice safe sex with human females.

JTILIS: I see you've studied military tactics. You'd have to make sure your backup don't ogle you as well.
In my younger days I was totally hot for the beautiful witch in the TV show "Bewitched" played by the ravishing Elizabeth Montgomery. Having a hot wife like that who could also refill the checking account by twitching her nose, what more could a guy want?

My current wife is a beautiful blond as well, but when she twitches her nose it's usually resulting from her allergies.
Hello Gorilla Bananas. I am glad that you stopped by my blog and I equally glad I stopped by yours. And you are very wise to be wary of those Scientologists. Have a good one.
Agreed with the general attitudes here.. those Scientologists unsettle my nerves just a bit. But army witches are sexy :)
Robert: Elizabeth Montgomery was indeed a fine-looking women, but it's a shame she didn't star in more adult movies. Samantha was never going to get turned on by that nitwit Darrin. Best wishes to your good lady. Has she considered taking snuff to clear her airways with a good sneeze?

Mr Shife: Nice to see you, my good fellow, have a good one yourself.

Ms CSR: I'm sure a woman of your intelligence could put any number of Scientologists in their place.
You a Communist, GB! Really, it beggars belief. You're hardly likely to share your coconuts with the baboons and chimpanzees are you. Titter ye not - the far left is gaining ground since the financial crisis. If I was going to be any kind of Communist I'd be a French one - foie gras and champagne for everyone! I'm being fitted for a camouflage jumpsuit (with elasticated waist) next week, in readiness for the international Day of Action in Brussels on 29 September - a Pasionaria may be required on the barricades. Olive drab has always been my colour. Viva la revolucion siempre!
Not everyone joins the Communist Party for political reasons, milady. I was hoping they'd help me with my career, what with their claims to support the workers and so forth. I found out that what they actually support is windy rhetoric and free meals (for themselves). I regret I shall not be joining you on the barricades, so you'll have to find someone else to protect you from bottom pinchers.
re :"Scientology is definitely a religion for the rich" G.B.

and Psychiatry is a religion for the poor.
Don't psychiatrists charge fees, Mark? The ones in New York can be quite expensive, so I've heard.
Psychiatrists charge the Government to look after their lifelong dependents.
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