Friday, July 16, 2010

Lone Knut

A mentally disturbed polar bear in Berlin Zoo is getting a lot of sympathy from animal rights groups. Raised by the Germans since he was a cub, Knut quickly learned to perform stunts that went beyond sniffing another bear’s arse. His audiences grew to love his zany antics and hurrahed him wildly in the traditional German manner. Unfortunately he got addicted to the adulation, and now gets nervous tics whenever his fans are absent. PETA has demanded his de-knackering to calm him down. These animal rights activists know the meaning of tough love. 

What Knut really needs is a kick up the backside. He reminds me of circus performers I knew who suffered withdrawal symptoms when they weren’t showing off in the ring. For my own part, I saw the off-season as an opportunity for philanthropic work. I spent a fair amount of time at Dr Whipsnade’s finishing school for aspiring young ladies, where I gave classes in repartee and self-defence. Hundreds of girls from all walks of life were tutored in the Bananas technique. I got this email from a former pupil last week: 

Dear GB, 

Your invaluable training served me grandly when some pot-bellied navvies wolf-whistled me today. In exactly the way you taught us, I gave them the gorilla stare and the crush-your-bollocks hand gesture. Their manhood seemed to shrivel before my very eyes.

I’m still practising the toe exercises and getting better at them!

Hope to see you next time you’re in England. 

Love and more love 


I don’t consider myself to be an unduly emotional ape, but this warm tribute from a grateful student made my heart soar like a lappet-faced vulture. The next time we meet I shall challenge her to a friendly toe-wrestle – I might even let her win. 

Another hobby of mine was archaeology. After dirtying my hands in most of the digs in south-east England, I soon became adept at identifying fragments. When dilettanti volunteers got excited on unearthing a piece of bone, I was the one who congratulated them on discovering the mortal remains of one of Colonel Sanders’ finest. My greatest find was a gladiator’s jockstrap, dated to the reign of Antoninus Pius. I believe Russell Crowe wore a smaller replica in his famous film role. 

Getting back to the polar bear issue, it seems that Knut is one of 30 in Germany with behavioural problems. Could the Germans themselves be to blame? History suggests they have a weakness for idolising over-the-top performers who end up losing their marbles. It can’t be easy for a polar bear to bask in the acclaim of thigh-slapping crowds during the day, only to be left alone with a bucket of fish in the evening. 

These neurotic bears should be moved to a country where the zoos are visited by lumpen elements who taunt and heckle the animals. It has to be Wales, hasn’t it? Whatever you say about the Welsh, their yobbos can be trusted to keep a polar bear’s feet on the ground. 

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If Knut expands his routine to include mime, I say let PETA do their worst.
i didn't know you taught self defense! please tell me you're the inventor of the Pinky Rip. even if you say no, i'm attributing it to you anyway.
I was given instruction at a early age how to defend myself with my feet. First turn your back on the object of danger, then place one foot in front of the other... alternating both feet in rapid succession. Doing so has earned me a "yellow belt".
"Russell Crowe wore a smaller replica"... hahahahahahaha.... that's priceless
I'm all for animal rights, but I do wonder if PETA could use a swift kick in the backside at times.
As per PETA's report, Knut is just the tip of the iceberg, but fear not: Germany is full of freudian therapists who would be more than happy to treat Knut's -or its audience's- behavioural problems. I don't know who needs treatment most.

Mini jockstraps were the fashion in Rome in the time of Antoninus Pius? It would have been so nice to see some gladiator fights there!
Don't blame poor Knut, his mother abandoned him. He needs a big motherly mummy bear to teach him to keep his room tidy with a loving but firm clout round the earhole.
Kyknoord: I'd be more worried he took to mime after PETA did their worst. It's a natural form of expression for the eunuch.

Kara: I don't know what that is, but I might have invented something similar with a different name. Does it involve a vice-like thigh grip?

Robert: That's the most common form of self-defence for animals as well. Climbing a tree is a useful tactical variation.

Nursemyra: Gladiators in the Roman empire had big ones, Nursie. I would never mock the manhood of your fellow Kiwi.

Robyn: If only they had one backside to kick, Robyn.

Leni: You would have been very popular with the gladiators in ancient Rome, Leni. You've got the slave girl look.

Lady Daphne: Unfortunately he's too big to get his bottom spanked by mummy, milady. How about a big German lady with a whip?
A splendid idea, but I do wonder if Knut's mental fagility could be exacerbated by the unrelenting close harmony singing that everyone in Wales indulges in morning, noon & night. Except when they're stuck in the back end of a sheep, that is.

If Knut needs a good, thorough dose of reality, might Yorkshire be an option?
Do I really have a slave girl look??? LOL

((Check my pic, Mr Bananas. If it's still here tomorrow (Saturday) it means that Blogger is resurrecting my old comments)) ;)
PETA where howling after Germany's Paul Octopus last week, I wrote a snotty post about it on Tomus. De-knackering, hmmm, that made me wince; the unkindest cut of all.

Poor bear. I hope he doesn't pull a Britney Spears and shave off all his fur.

Nice post!
LOL no.
I can't see Knut in Wales. It rains too much and it's full of Englishmen, which is enough to drive anyone barking. Can't you teach him some toe exercises and he can amuse himself that way?
Jon: Yorkshire? I hear they're good at making cussed remarks up there, but they might lack the ebullience of the Welsh.

Leni: I would have definitely cast you in Spartacus, Leni. I've checked my old posts and your comments are back. Hooray!

AV: Someone should tell PETA that feeding an octopus is better than de-knackering it.

Justin: That reminds me of the rhyme "I wannabe a polar bear with public hair". I think I heard it on the Eurovision Song Contest.

Liz: Thanks for your succinct answer, Liz. What was the question again?

Madame Defarge: I don't think bears have the right kind of toes for it, Madame D. Toe-wrestling is very much a primate thing.
Mr Bananas, if I could choose, I'd like to be the lovely Varinia, the slave that Spartacus fell in love with. If you could get me Jude Law for the role of Spartacus, I'd be eternally grateful! ;)

PS.- It took 2 days for the last missing comment to reappear in my blog. FYI, it was yours and I was ready to burn Google's HQs in Mountain View, Ca. if they refused to restore it. What a hard fight it's been...
I think my blog roll might have developed Welsh sympathies. It has decided that your magical posts are undated and therefore your blog must go to the bottom of the list.

Is this a side effect of the "filth" warning I now encounter????
I think Knut should be given the choice: castration or Wales. He would be reaching for the pliers in a matter of seconds to do the job himself.
What's with the Wales baiting GB?
I don't think we have a Zoo in Wales as such. We have a few Hawking centres and some petting Zoos but I can't think of a full blown one. I believe that says more about us Welsh than it does for the rest of the planet.
Having seen some Welsh on a day trip to Ilfracombe, and what was left of Ilfracombe after they left, may I suggest you don't need a zoo in Wales.
Leni: I think you'd make a perfect Mrs Spartacus, Leni, but don't forget she ended up with Crassus in the movie. I'd have to re-write the ending for you.

Jon: The warning is purely precautionary and shouldn't affect your blog lists. You must look for other causes.

WIB: A polar bear who prefers de-knackering to being jeered at by the Welsh must be a very sensitive soul.

Rubbish: There's really no zoo in Wales? I'm amazed! The Welsh baiting is a seasonal thing like duck hunting. Do a search of previous posts and you'll find more of it.

Lady Daphne: Are you sure it wasn't just high spirits, milady? They often get carried away when they're celebrating.
Rubbish and DeFarge are right. We have no need of zoos in Wales, given the existence of Harper's night club in Swansea and various English hippy camps around Machynlleth.

Knut would be welcome in Wales anyway, as bears have the vote and one represented Llanelli in the National Assembly about five years back.
So do the Welsh take their children to see the English hippies then, and feed them herbal substances by hand? Having a normal family life in Wales must be quite a challenge.
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