Friday, July 30, 2010

Kylie accuses Gaga

Kylie Minogue has accused Lady Gaga of copying her. 

“I think there's an element of me in her,” said Kylie. 

Possibly wishful thinking and hopefully not a statement of intent. If it came to a catfight, a crazy bitch like Gaga would pluck out Kylie’s pubic hair. Someone should invite the divas to a wigwam where they can share a peace pipe and inhale each other’s smoke. Those squaws need to become blood sisters before they start stealing each other’s boyfriends, which would lead to heinous atrocities. 

Kylie’s outburst reminds me of a lowland silverback who claimed to be Mick Jagger’s role model. This is what he said about the rubber-lipped crooner: 

“When I was performing back in ’63, I noticed that young Englishman in the audience, gaping at me night-after-night like a trout. Everything he later did on stage – the voice, the face, the strut – he took it all from me. And my bass player was a baboon who looked like Bill Wyman. The first time I saw ‘The Stones’ I thought they were a tribute act.” 

But his females said he was lying, so we can’t take his word for it. Jagger has obviously been copying someone, but for all we know it could be his Latin master. 

A tourist once asked me if I thought Tom Jones had been influenced by a gorilla. “No,” I replied. “He was clearly influenced by the gospel, rock, folk, jazz and blues singers of his youth. But perhaps you meant to ask whether Tom Jones is genetically close to a gorilla.” 

“Well is he?” asked the tourist. 

“Let me put it this way,” I replied. “There are certain ancient genes in the human line which, for reasons not yet properly understood, are more fully expressed in particular individuals. Such persons are invariably hairy-chested men who exude a pungent sexuality that induces middle-aged women to throw their knickers at them.” 

“Are you saying he smells like a gorilla?” asked the tourist. 

“I don’t know what he smells like,” I said, “but it seems to bring out the female gorilla in women.” 

In truth, the behaviour of all primates is driven by the urge to imitate. I often observed human kiddies pretending to be gorillas after I’d given a performance in the circus. I suspect many of the adults would have done so too if they hadn’t feared ridicule. The ape-impersonators in the remake of Planet of the Apes had a grand old time. Even Helena Bonham Carter, renowned for playing posh English roses, found the experience enlightening

I had to go back and learn how to be still. I had to learn an economy of movement, but to be immensely focused. To stop intellectualizing and instead make everything physical and be present and alive in the moment, which is completely ape-like. Apes are more sensual and tactile than we are. 

Humans sometimes ask me whether I found Helena attractive as an ape. I have to remind them that she played a chimpanzee, not a gorilla. If I were a male chimpanzee, I should imagine I’d want to pin her to the ground and put my tongue in her mouth.

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Planet of the apes used to scare the fladoodles off of me.

I think Lady GaGa is just a copy of Madonna.
There are a lot of similarities between the 80’s wild child and the 2010 wild child.
Amazing revelations, Mr Bananas. This is what would happen if you were genetically close to a male chimpanzee. I sometimes wonder what would happen if you were genetically close to human males.

As for the Kylie vs Gaga controversy, I am with Kylie: Gaga is not to be nearly as good as her.
Puhlease! Kylie just needs to bow down to the Queen Gaga. Yeah! No competition. Kylie cannot pack a stadium like the Gaga could, lucky if she can pack a coffee shop.
Were I an ape I would want to be Dr. Zaius. He da man!! (um, I mean, ape)
Were *I* and ape, I would want to be Dr. Zaius's mate!
I don't even think they look at all alike. One is a sexy woman, and the other does not appear to qualify as a human. Is Gaga in the gorilla family, GB?
I have yet to see a gorilla dance like Sir Michael Jagger. In fact, I have yet to see a gorilla dance. I imagine if you indulged in a spot of terpsichore, GB, it would be a soft shoe shuffle with top hat and cane.
A male chimpanzee? You mean like Tim Burton?
Pin me GB, pin me!
Donut girl: The gorillas in the original films were a travesty, Ms Donut. I don't blame you for being scared of them. The Gaga/Madonna likeness seems so obvious now that you've mentioned it.

Leni: Are you asking me who I'd French kiss if I were a man, Leni? I'll have to give that some thought. I prefer Shirley Bassey to both of them.

Ms Wannabe: Gaga may currently be flavour of the month, but none of her tunes are on the tip of my tongue.

Robert: I assume you're being ironic in lauding that arch-reactionary. Was it you who bought Kara her Zaius doll?

Madam Z: You'd need a good supply of Viagra to get regular service from him.

Robyn: So you like Kylie as well? I'm surprised how popular she is. Gaga lacks the natural rhythm of a gorilla.

Lady Daphne: I'm proficient in many style, milady, but I do have a penchant for tap dancing.

Kyknoord: He was a poor substitute for Charlton Heston. At least Chuck kissed the female chimp who championed his cause.

Nursmyra: I'd love to Nursie! Face up to begin with.
I prefer Kylie. Cute, petite, doesn't topple off her platforms, in fact is content with her tiny size and eschews platforms. Gaga definitely is the successor to Madonna - great performer, pushes the sexual boundaries.

Truth be told my favourite is Kate Bush - just really weird and out there!
You prefer Shirley Bassey to Kylie and Gaga? Hm... I thought you'd say Beyoncé or the most classic and always amazing Grace Jones. It seems that you're a fan of the classics...
Also Stevie Nicks. Crazy, but sexy.
True, and very beautiful, No One in Particular.

But I'm not sure GB would be crazy about kissing them if he were a man.

Maybe Aretha Franklin or Dee Dee Bridgewater are his type (I think he has a soft spot for jazz). I'd recommend Norah Jones for that purpose.
I'm not sure I care?
I'm sorry Apeman....your post is fantastic as usual but i cant stop staring at Kylie in that 'suit'!!!!! My god!!! My loins are on fire!!!!!!!
Great line about the Stones being a tribute band. I thought Gaga was a bloke?
Not even joking, my aunt Rosanna looks just like Helena Bonham Carter as a chimp. You want me to set you up?
Sorry to say, but as a human male I'd be more than happy to jiggle around with Helana B-C, dressed as a chimp or not.

Alas it is not to be as I am a tired middle aged fart with a beer belly that I pretend is a fuel tank for a love machine.
NOIP: Kate Bush's voice was a little too high for a gorilla, Suzanne. The human equivalent of a dog whistle. But she did move her body in interesting ways.

Leni: I like Shirley Bassey because she sung three great Bond movie songs and moved her arms in an amusing way. I also like Duffy, the little Welsh.

Ellie: About what, Ellie?

Sabrina: Oh Saby, you're so AC-DC! The curve of her back is something to behold, isn't it?

Rubbish: Have you ever seen a bloke with an arse like that?

VAGB: Get her gynaecologist to send me a report and I'll think about it.

Jon: Don't lose hope, I think you might be Helena's type.
glad to see that gorillas aren't extinct yet.
As for Kylie's fears, they are ill-founded; her most famous part (of her anatomy that is)is inimitable.
I thought HBC was quite beautiful as an ape.

As to Kylie vs Gaga, one is feminine, the other is... well, not!
The woman was made for spanking!
Ga Ga WOULD do something weird like pull pubic hair!
I know from a reliable source Kylie doesn't have any pubic hair. Combine this fact with your claim and it seems to me we have solved the puzzle: GaGa did it.
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