Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Kissing whales

The manager of the safari camp is worried about a nature resort in Baja California that enables tourists to kiss grey whales.

“Full on the lips, Bananas!” he exclaimed. “Here is a picture of them doing it!”

I examined the photograph casually without feeling the slightest arousal.

“That’s very romantic,” I said, “but what does it have to do with us?”

“Can’t you see we’ll be in trouble if the idea catches on? We’ll never get our animals to kiss tourists on safari.”

“True enough,” I agreed. “They’d chew off the head of any human who tried to smooch them.”

“Unless, perhaps, you’d consider doing it,” he murmured, giving me a coy look.

“Not for all the bananas in Jamaica!” I thundered. “Do you think I’m a hairy whore who’ll kiss any human who’s ape-curious? No one gets to plant one on my lips unless they buy me dinner and take me to the movies. And besides, my females might get jealous.”

“Your females?” repeated the manager quizzically. “How about getting them to kiss our visitors? You’re always going on about how randy they are.”

“Not advisable,” I said, shaking my head. “They’d never be satisfied with a kiss – it’s all or nothing with them. You might end up getting sued for assault.”

“How about the chimps?” he asked.

“Too unpredictable,” I answered. “When they’re in a mean mood they strip tourists naked and chase them out of the jungle. What makes you think our guests want to kiss animals anyway? That sort of thing is for sentimental types who think the natural world is like a big hippy commune. We don’t get hippies in the Congo.”

“I hope you’re right,” mused the manager as he wandered off.

What do you think about this whale-kissing gimmick? Personally, I’m sceptical. Whales may be sociable creatures, but they can’t pucker their lips and their tongues are too big. I would guess their saliva tastes salty. Admittedly, a big part of kissing is the emotion involved, but do the whales even realise they’re being kissed? A human mouth probably feels like a chapstick to them. If someone told them they’d just been snogged by a human, they’d probably puke a ton of plankton in disgust.

The thorny topic of animal sex tourism reminds of a conversation I had with a Welshman while tending bar at the safari guesthouse. After downing this third glass of beer, he asked me the following question:

“If a man went to Disneyland, tied up Goofy and shagged him, do you think he would be charged with rape?”

I didn’t bat an eyelid. A bartender learns not to show surprise at anything he hears.

“If he allowed Goofy to keep his costume on, I should imagine his lawyer would be able to negotiate a plea bargain of indecent exposure,” I said.

“I see you’re a legal expert,” said the Welshman. “I’ve got a friend who could use your advice. I’ll write down his email address and a website where the details of his case are available.”

I accepted the chit without the slightest intention of contacting his friend. I’m not running a legal practice from the Congo and wouldn’t offer counsel to a Welshman of dubious character if I were. The web address will be supplied to private correspondents on request.

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I can't imagine what the whales get out of it, unless it's the cetacean version of Hentai.
Before anybody goes kissing anybody a long-standing controversy, which you have reignited in your blog, must be addressed: If Mickey is a mouse and Pluto is a dog - what's Goofy?
I think this may be retribution for all those dolphins that allegedly try to shag humans. Dolphins are horny beasts. I guess humans have a thing for whales. I mean have you seen a whale penis? It makes your eyes water just seeing a photo!

Hmm.. I have never seen a whale penis. Not that I'm into animal sex or anything.

Although Goofy has always irritated me, I don't want to see him raped. Disneyland should remain "the happiest place on earth".

I don't get sticky fingers when I'm eating donuts.
And no, I don't touch other people's noses back.
I'm not sure I'd like whale-kissing. Whales are cold-blooded animals and their lips are wet and cold, so the revolting feeling would be mutual, I guess.

About Goofy: what if he liked it?

((OK, I'd send your females on a cruise in the Mediterranean
and perhaps we could have all the bananas in Jamaica, toasted peanuts and coconut milk for dinner and then go to the safari cinema.

I just need to know if the menu suits you and what film would you like to see ;))
((On another note, your comments counter doesn't match the real number of comments. Checking this with other blogfriends too. It's been a fandango today and it's not completely sorted yet)).

Don't forget about the dinner and movies, LOL.
I read the article you linked to. Someone has been anthropomorphising - Whales granting us forgiveness? I don't think so
I have seen whales do the horizontal shuffle and it is messy.
Ah, how old are these whales? I mean one has to be careful or the Pope will be apologising everywhere...

Kyknoord: I suspect the whales are emotionally vulnerable after getting dumped by their mates. Human love might seem quite tempting if you're on the rebound.

Robert: Goofy is an idiot. Isn't he just Pluto's head on the body of a man?

Ms VA: Yes, no woman should mate with a whale or dolphin. Not even porn actresses who are used to
abnormal stretching.

Donut girl: You're right, Ms Donut, not even Goofy deserves to raped. Kicking him in the arse would suffice as a punishment.

Leni: I don't see how anyone could enjoy raping Goofy if he liked it, Leni. Imagine all the silly noises he would make! I'm not too fussy about the movie as long as it isn't Japanese porn, which is too kinky for gorillas. I am looking forward to our date!

Nursemyra: Very true, Nursie. Whales can't tell the difference between good and bad humans until they've been harpooned.

Ms Wannabe: Yes, I've heard it's a very complex manoeuvre, but at least they don't have to take a shower afterwards.

AV: You mean Catholic priests have been kissing whales? You'd think they'd know better after all the recent scandals.
I find this whole sorry business most unsavoury. But it does remind me of a little joke that is told with great hilarity by my daughters:

"How do you get two elephants in a mini?" In the front seats with their trunks on the back!"

"How do you get two giraffes in a mini?" "Ask the elephants to move over a bit!"

"How do you get two whales in a mini?" "Across the Severn bridge!"
"No Japanese porn movies"

*notes what not to do on a first date with GB and then checks the entertainment guide*

Ok. I hope you haven't seen "Sir Lancelot Gets Lanced a Lot" or "The Sexorcist" :)
I'm surprised, I thought whales had terrible breath (all that krill).
Kissing animals is really not my thing, although I did date an Eagle mascot for a while. He was never wearing the costume in flagrante delicto, however.
No such thing as a Welshman of dubious charachter GB, we are the salt of the Earth. I can only assume Goofy said something disparging about the Queen which upset the Man in question.
Leni Qinan
Whales are mammals, NOT fish, and as such are warm blooded.
Jon: I remember a distasteful version of that joke. "How do you get five rock stars into a mini? Two in the front, two in the back and Michael Hutchence in the ash tray".

Leni: Hah, you seem to know a lot of titles! "Saving Ryan's Privates" is the only one I can remember.

Inkspot: You could be right. Maybe their lovers can ignore it in the thrill of the moment.

Brutalism: Was that a kiss on the beak? It sounds pretty uncomfortable.

Rubbish: Every nation has its black sheep, mate. Here is the website.

Ms CSR: I'm sorry the romance of the story was destroyed for you, Valerie. No respectable young lady wants to be thinking of whale penises.

Jobrag: You're right, but with all their insulating blubber their skin must feel cold.
Ha ha - whales, Wales - I see what you did there. Are you celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Congo's independence, GB?
Honestly what is up with the human race??? I mean i absolutely love my dog but no way in hell am i gonna kiss it on the lips!!!

The whales should just open up and swallow them whole....then release them in the middle of the ocean for the other fishes to feed on. Save us from having to put up with these freaks!
Im with Sabrina - who would want to kiss a whale? Probably not even another whale...
@ Thanks for enlightening the mind of this ignorant woman, Jobrag, but I don't think I ever said whales were fish.

Even some humans can be cold-blooded, and as far as I know, they are mammals too.
I have seen the whales in Mexico but never thought about making out with them...there is more of a chance of me making out with you...especially because your name is gorilla bananas
I imagine a woman would never be satisfied with her husband's kisses after tonguing a whale.
I have kissed many cold fishes, but would draw the line at a whale. Or a dolphin - even that whole swimming thing is very dubious in my book.
Lady Daphne: National days of independence commemorate one group of humans replacing another, milady. They are water off a gorilla's back.

Sabrina: Kissing your dog would be even worse, Saby! It might put its tongue in your mouth!

Joanna: I suppose they want the whales to love them, Joanna. Perhaps from a misplaced sense of guilt.

Leni: That's very true, Leni. I've met many humans who were cold fish.

JTILIS: Do you think my name is sexy? Most females find my long arms more attractive.

Robyn: Possibly if she had a very big mouth, Robyn. The blowhole might be another appealing feature.

Madame Defarge: I'm sure the coldest of cold fish would warm up after being smooched by you, Madame D.
Why yes yes I do find it appealing...but don't tell anyone they might get the wrong idea
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