Friday, July 02, 2010

Bras for Africa

The local bigwigs are raising cash for a charity that sends bras to Africa. It seems that women in the West have bras coming out of their armpits, and can afford to donate a few to their un-cupped African sisters. Money is still required to pay for shipping and “sundry expenses”, i.e. the bribes required to prevent the merchandise ending up in a boutique owned by the president’s fat-arsed sister. I can’t help wondering whether it’s safe to transport ladies’ underwear by sea. Merchant sailors are prone to peculiar fancies, and one wouldn’t want the cargo to be seasoned with their sauces and condiments.

I must say I never realised there was such a bra glut in the developed world. Are women continually buying new pairs to match the ever-changing dimensions of their dumplings? An Australian woman on safari looked well-stacked enough to know, so I asked her what was going on.

“You wouldn’t believe how many pairs I have, GB,” she said. “I use one as a holder for pot plants in my garden.”

“Do you have bras of different sizes?” I asked.

“Oh yeah,” she affirmed, adding: “My tits have changed size more often than my prescription for spectacles.”

She then gave me a long list of activities which might cause a woman’s breasts to alter in magnitude, ranging from pregnancy to heavy breathing. Frequent groping, she assured me, changes their shape but not their size. Who was I to argue?

One person who certainly won’t be donating a penny to this charity is my friend Kola Boof, the Nubian freedom fighter and poetess. She views the brassiere as an oppressive chest-shackle invented by imperialist white men to enslave the proud African bosom. Devotees of her bare-titty cult will no doubt be agitating against this scheme in various ways, possibly including sabotage. I will advise Kola to play it cool and let the fad run out of steam of its own accord. Dumping bras into the Atlantic Ocean would annoy a lot of people who might otherwise be sympathetic, including fishermen and snorkelers.

My only issue with this charity is that many of the donated bras won’t find a suitable pair of jahoobies to encase, given that African women tend to have fuller figures than their Caucasian sisters. There aren’t many AA ladies in our neck of the jungle, which I must admit has never previously been a cause for concern. What other uses are there for small-cupped bras? The manager of the safari camp suggests giving them to the chimpanzees, who are pretty inventive in their use of human bric-a-brac. But suppose they actually wore them? It’s the sort of thing that would make us a laughing stock if anyone took pictures.

A better idea might be donating them to fruit vendors to put their wares in. It could be a very successful marketing ploy. Imagine a nice juicy pair of oranges hanging demurely inside a Balconette Banger Booster by Gok Wan. I don’t see many men walking past the stall without giving them a squeeze at the very least.

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Wait a minute I thought they didn't wear they are wearing bras...well more power to them...I thought it was like a 70 movement not to wear them...and go topless or at least that is what I do!
My wife tells me she doesn't have enough bras, apparently the outer clothing changes frequently but the foundations remain rather constant.

Aircraft engineer Howard Hughes designed a bra for Jane Russell back in the 1940's. Well, we was well acquainted regarding the concept of "lift".
I think I might be a bit more millitant about this if I were you, GB.

Imagine if your females got hold of some. Then, intstead of climbing trees for fruit as God & Nature intended they might fashion them into slingshots and spend the whole day sitting on their backsides knocking stuff from the trees with stones.

Very much a double edged sword is convenience.
Soviet-era bras were made for at least two women at a time. My chum Rumpo Grantham tried to buy a pair (bra, not ladies - that came later, in Yerevan) to use as a rucksack but was told off by the Sub-Rosa Klebb in State Tricotage Emporium No.69 in the Name of Alexandra Kollontai.

Congratulations on being put behind the Blogger Pornwall, by the way. You must be proud.
Given the rampant fat-cattery that is rife in sub-Saharan Africa, I can think of many, many big men in politics whose jiggling moobs would benefit enormously from a bit of discreet support.
Big chest, small can never have too many bras. I myself have an entire drawer full. Though the sizes don't vary much, there's a vast array of color and type.

I'll have to look into this charity.
I wish we didn't have to wear bras.
I also wish there was no such thing as gravity

I read an article recently in Reader's Digest about scientists who created a certain kind of bra that coud be used to save people during fires. Just place the cup over the nose to prevent smoke inhalation. The other cup can be given to the lucky person standing next to you :)
I love pretty bras. They hang perfectly in my closet.
I'm definitely not an AA lady so maybe I'll find a few suitable pairs for my African sisters.
But there's also something to be said for bare-titty living.
Showing off the goods...
You've become an "adult content" blog GB. How did that happen?
How far is the Congo from South Africa? Was expecting a World Cup story from you.
JTILIS: The bare-breasted traditions of Africa began much earlier than the 1970s, ma'am. I'm glad that you've seen the light.

Robert: If Howard Hughes were half the man he pretended to be he would have used his fortune to found a bra charity. Then your good wife would surely be amply stocked.

Jon: That wouldn't worry me. As long as they don't whip me with them they can have as many as they want.

Mr Boyo: A big bosom must be an important source of nourishment in the cold Russian winters. A bit like a camel's hump, perhaps. The pornwall is a preemptive defensive measure.

Kyknoord: Rather than waste good bras on them I'd hang them upside down.

Ms OWO: You should put them on display in an exhibition, Aly. They might catch the eye of a few collectors.

Sabrina: If you ever wear a such a bra, Saby, you'd better tell men it will only be removed in emergencies. Otherwise they'll all want to inhale it.

Donut girl: I'm sure your bras would be a huge hit in Africa, Ms Donut. And I do hope you get the chance go topless every now and again. One must give the puppies a chance to breath.

Rubbish: Sport and gambling are not big topics for us gorillas. 'World Cup' should be the name given to the largest bra size.
Package them GB, return them post haste. Africa does not need the contraption despite what puritanical preachers say. If you've got it, flaunt it...

I guess in this case, the more supportive donors are the ones with the biggest bazangas. Perhaps I should lend support.
I suggest they save the largest bras for Mugabe. When it comes to African tits, he's the biggest boob of all.
Mr Bananas, I'm one of those who have a million bras in all colours and shapes.

I get your friend Kola's point, but bras also play a very important role in human males' seduction (they can be removed after a reasonable time).

What about using them to carry coconuts?
haha... on our recent trip to Lesbos, the well endowed daisyfae and dolce were wearing their bras and sunhats. I preferred to sit in the shade ;-)
AV: Well, it's not really my place to interfere in the cultural practices of humanity. If African women want to elevate their udders I'm not going to stick my nose in.

Robyn: Your support would be an enormously uplifting blessing, Robyn.

Cheyelle: Haha, he is indeed! If the bra doesn't fit, he belongs inside a jockstrap.

Leni: That's a good idea, Leni, although coconuts are less squeezable than oranges. It sounds as if your bras belong in an art gallery.

Nursemyra: Quite right, Nursie, your smooth fair skin deserves protection. Glad you enjoyed the holiday!
I would donate my old ones, but they may be too gray for the more fashionable ladies to wear. I fear they would turn their noses up at my poor offerings. Or wonder at the powers of gravity needed to wear them.
I'll be donating several of my bras to the cause. I've been drinking lots of sheep urine, so my girls have been growing. Time for new ones anyway.

Very noble of you.
Never have I been so engrossed by a subject.
Mr GB,

Sorry to break into your blog with something different, but I have known from some blogfriends that there are lots of trouble all over Blogger today with disappearing comments.

Please read this:

Comments disappearing

Please backup your blogs and comments with Blogger Backup (you can dowload it from Google and then restore them, if necessary).

In case of problem, here's the spreadsheet to report about it:

Report Spreadsheet

Take care!

Leni Qinan
Update on the previous issue: it looks like a massive technical failure with Blogger's comments, as I've known from some blogfriends.

Please check your blogs.

Leni Qinan
Madame Defarge: I assure you no one would turn up their nose at your august offerings, Madame Defarge. My own nose would burrow ferociously in any garments you provided.

V&GB: Put a special mark on your donations so I can identify them, Ms Vodka. I'd like to give them my personal attention.

Mark Sanderson: That's a hell of a compliment from a footballer.

Leni: Thanks for the information, Leni, Robyn mentioned this problem in her blog. Blogger need to get their act together!
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