Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Royal Flush

My females have been cackling excitedly about the royal princes’ tour of Africa.

“Why don’t you invite them here?” they piped. “We’d make them feel at home.”

“No you wouldn’t,” I said firmly. “Feeling at home for them means playing polo, visiting chutney factories and having their toenails clipped by a servant. They aren’t used to your jungle tricks and you haven’t learned the correct etiquette. I don’t want you thrusting your hips at them instead of curtsying.”

That shut them up. In truth, I was worried that a similar faux pas to the one in Botswana might occur, where a nervous rock python
pissed itself in fright after being introduced to the princes. Being English, they were too embarrassed to deal with the mishap like the president of Zambia, who sternly rebuked a monkey for passing water on his jacket. Let’s just hope the incident hasn’t left a sour taste in their mouths.

In accordance with royal protocol, the identity of the nurse who accompanied the princes remained a closely guarded secret. A hapless photographer who tried to take her picture was set upon by the royal bodyguards and forced to sit on a pineapple. If you think William and Harry are too old for a nurse you know little of the customs of the British monarchy. It is essential, on such visits, to keep the princes well clear of local floozies who would eagerly squat before them in the hope of receiving a royal rogering. The role of the nurse is to lessen the appeal of such sordid temptations by regularly milking the princes of their manly juices. The job is normally offered to a lady familiar with livestock breeding, who can render the service with clinical detachment. Surgical gloves and Vaseline are essential tools of the trade.

The finale of the princes’ tour was a visit to South Africa, causing some people to suggest they were only here for the World Cup. Such cynics forget that they also met various dignitaries, including that great man whose long struggle for freedom inspired millions of down-trodden humans, and quite a few up-trodden ones as well. I refer, of course, to
Bishop Tutu, who received the princes in one of his most fetching purple frocks. I don’t know what he said to the boys, but I’m sure he spiced up his sermon with plenty of whooping and jigging.

I had the honour of meeting the Bishop when he stayed at the safari guesthouse.

“Toots, “ I said, “don’t you resent all the hero-worship that Mandela gets when you did all the hard work in the dark days of P.W. Botha?”

“Not at all, GB!” he chirped. “My heart is full of joy for having done God’s work. And what makes you think I don’t have my own fans?”

He made a good point. The Bishop's many quiet admirers include a
team of scientists who obtained a sample of his DNA. They discovered he belongs to one of the least in-bred human populations on Earth, which might explain his sunny disposition. This is something the princes should bear in mind when listening to the morose prattle of their bat-eared father, who recently condemned Galileo for a remark he made in 1597. When royalty breeds with royalty, the results are rarely pretty.

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Why can't I have my own nurse?
It is hard work being a nurse.
The princes are somewhat cute in their own way, but I think I'd rather sit on a pineapple than follow them around with surgical gloves and Vaseline.

From my point of wiev, Holland will win the world cup.
Ok, not really.
i have a total thing for Harry. i'd rob all sorts of cradles for him. and then i'd sell the babies. also for him.
If Prince Charles also has a nurse, I hope she could be persuaded to someday inadvertently "pull the plug".
I am totally in love with Prince William. Often, I wondered why his little brother is a red head. Is he adopted? Maybe the mailman's or whatevs.
I agree....Williams is quite the yumminess....i would give anything to be the nurse who 'milks' him :p
How often do the Princes have their genomes sequenced?
That Prince Charles must be desperate for attention, given his pretty boy sons are getting it all - in more ways than one. Galileo? We all know it's George W. Bush's fault.
On a totally unrelated note I recently saw in bookshops called Kate: Kate Middleton - Princess in Waiting. Apart from the fact that she is totally uninteresting and not even married to William yet um how the heck did this get published?

Another thing is I feel sorry for William he is going bald while Harry due to having illegitimate red headed blood in him maybe has become quite the hotty.
Let's be fair, Galileo was a bit of a shit-stirrer.
Rubbish: I dunno, mate, have you asked for one? If you don't ask you don't get.

Donut girl: Quite right, Ms Donut, that kind of work isn't for for city-dwellers like you. I hope you're watching the football sitting on a nice comfortable pouf.

Kara: He doesn't need the money, Missy. If you want to impress Harry, learn the rules of rugby and invite him to be the president of the Portland Rugby club. He'll be touched. And you might be too.

Robert: Pull the plug on Charles? That would leave him shivering in the bath. Does anyone really want see his teeth chattering?

Ms Wannabe: There's a rumour that Major Hewitt is his dad but I don't believe it. Harry is too good at pulling his father's funny faces.

Sabrina: You'll have to teach his future princess how to do it, Saby. I don't think she's had much practice.

Lady Daphne: Does it need to be done more than once, milady? One would hope that Diana's DNA has made them more heterozygous than their father.

Robyn: Charles is a man on a mission, Robyn. He wants to be respected as a the silliest old fogey in England. His sons have already started to mimic his silly faces for laughs.

Emma: People obviously want to know whether William porked her. But wasn't there an official announcement that they'd broken up?

Kyknoord: Yes, but there was plenty of shit that needed stirring in his day.
I wouldn't mind babysitting Prince William some day.His phenotype is absolutely gorgeous.
Love all these posts!! Best blog I've found yet
I realise that my youthful ambition of being an innocent milkmaid may have had some unwelcome connotations.
EmmaK makes a very good point. While William is transparently of royal descent (recessed chin, gormless expression, room temperature IQ) young Harry being born the wrong side of the blanket (allegedly) does at least confer the advantage of a nice mix of genes.

OK, he may be a barely house-trained lout with all the social grace of an extremely horny donkey, but these can be desirable qualities in a king.

All he needs now is a fortuitous accident.
Do you travel with a nurse as well? Don't lie.
*Snort* No way Mr Bananas!! I'll just 'remove' her from the picture and 'slot' myself in...hee hee hee
I met Prince Charles once. Put him straight on some Persian history.

Straight afterwards he was shown the local rep of British-American Tobacco.

"What do you do?" asked the Prince.

"Tobacco, fags, that sort of thing," said the suit.

"How ghastly!" opined Von Windsor, who went right up in my estimation to near-Richard III levels.
Leni: He would be lucky to have your attention, Leni. As would any man.

Ms CSR: Thank you, Miss, feel free to visit at your whim.

Madame Defarge: Fear not, Madame Defarge, no one would have cast aspersions. The technique required for cows is quite different.

Jon in France: Your remarks border on the treasonable, Sir! It's just as well you've taken refuge in France.

Ms Vodka: I should be so lucky! I have to make do with a mechanical device.

Sabrina: I bet you'd bring out the beast in him, Saby.

Mr Boyo: He should have asked Charles what he did, as in the Spitting Image sketch.
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