Monday, June 14, 2010

Revenge of the Norse goddess


Scientists are saying that the volcano in Iceland could carrying on puffing and farting for a couple of years. That’s just the sort of inconsiderate behaviour I’d expect from a volcano near the artic circle. A tropical volcano gives you one massive eruption lasting a few days followed by 500 years of peace. You know where you are with a virile beast like that. This effeminate Icelandic orifice will go on shaking and moaning until the whole neighbourhood are tearing their hair in despair.

One thing this event has proved beyond all doubt is that vulcanologists are as useful as knickers on a baboon. They observe, they measure, they fiddle with their instruments, they mumble into their beards about how unpredictable everything is. What the Earth needs now is not vulcanologists but Vulcans – pointy-eared wizards with infallible logic who could devise a practical solution. The best idea I can think of is drenching Iceland with a massive wave until the volcano fizzles out like a cigarette in a toilet bowl.


In the olden days, humans would have appeased the offended spirit of the beast by throwing one of their number into its fiery interior. Our local witch doctor still believes in such remedies and has offered to send his mother-in-law to Iceland by DHL. I told him not to be an imbecile.


“The volcano is obviously female,” I said. “She needs a man to plunge down her crevice and scratch whatever is itching her. You’re always boasting about your knowledge of these mysteries so why not volunteer yourself?”


He told me he didn’t believe in such superstitious nonsense.


The manager of the safari camp is worried that disrupted airline schedules might affect our visitors from Europe.


“Suppose another ash cloud arrives when they’re due to return home,” he said.
“What would we do with them?”

“Why not make any stranded guests work for their board and lodging?” I suggested. “I could teach them how to climb trees and harvest coconuts. They could fish for their supper once they’ve been educated in the basics of crocodile avoidance. We could help them build tree-houses so they could vacate their rooms when new guests arrived.”


The manager sucked his teeth and shook his head. “It wouldn’t work,” he said. “Humans who go on safari are used to being pampered and spoon-fed. If we made them fend for themselves they’d whine like sissies and contact their embassies in Brazzaville. We’d never hear the end of it.”


“Hmm,” I mused. “I’ll have to think of something else.”


My current contingency plan is to charter a ship and offer them a voyage back home care of Captain Bananas and his able sea-chimps. We wouldn’t take them all the way to Europe, of course. I’d make sure I had a good excuse to dump them in the Canary Islands, which is the nearest thing to a clearing house for unwanted tourists. They could pay a local fisherman to transport them to the Spanish coast.


Philanthropy has its limits, as Blackbeard the Pirate once said.


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Comments:
Hmmm, I think you had better be careful with your words about this volcano. She might be a woman, but a few kilometers further off she has got a huge brother... all ready to go off. You might want to charter a few more of those boats...
 
I think the reason the volcanoes are so restless is because we've basically run out of virgins to sacrifice.
 
I am thinking Kyknoord is genius with his virgin theory...smiling..
 
I think this sensible Iranian chap has hit the nail on the head with his scientific theory:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8631775.stm

Vulcans, take note.
 
I'd steer clear of Iceland if I were you, GB. With just one massive eruption per 500 years, you know it's going to be a pretty volcanic one.
xoRobyn
 
If the two beach birds in the photo are native to the Canary Islands, sign me up for the cruise.
 
RA: Do you think her big brother is the protective type who would explode if anyone took liberties with her?

Kyknoord: Yes, and goats are a poor substitute. Maybe we could fool them with fake virgins.

Invisible Seductress: He's a genius at identifying problems rather than solving them.

The Jules: He seems to be implying there's a horny giant who lives underground and shakes the earth if women excite him.

Robyn: I'd never go that far north, Robyn. They also need to give their volcanoes sensible names like Krakatoa.

Robert: I'm sure you'd be a big hit with the beach birds. Don't forget your bucket and spade.
 
Females, finicky creatures. I am curious, does the female gorilla give you the same problems?

Re the Jules, there was some fun about that Iranian cleric, check the Boobquakes post:
http://itsnotthecoffin.blogspot.com/2010/04/boobquakes.html there are links.

AV
 
Harvesting my own coconuts: Yes! I like coconuts.
Fishing: No, I feel sorry for the bait and the fish. Ok, I'll do it if I'm really hungry.
Building tree houses: Bwhahaha! I'd rather set up a tent.

Fake virgins? How are you going to pull that off?
 
I say you throw and ostrich egg in that large, hot, spewing hole ;)
 
our volcano (st. helens) erupted the year i was born. what does that tell you.

exactly.
 
I dunno GB.....puffing and farting??....that sounds very male to me! And being the last standing virgin alive, i would gladly offer myself as sacrifice...with a guarantee of course that i will come back in my next life as Gary Dourdan's sex slave....muahahahahahahahaha

I recently observed a gorilla in a samsung ad...i found his sell-out behaviour to be most offensive to your kind. And if i'm not mistaken, he had knickers on! Surely you wouldn't stoop to such a level Mr Bananas
 
Basic crocodile avoidance courses, you know they make sense.
 
Argentum Vulgaris: Female gorillas are moody beasts, but they're easier to humour than volcanoes. My ones are happy when they have a man to play with.

Donut girl: Tree houses are safer than tents, Ms Donut, the jungle is full of creepy crawlies. Is it really that difficult to pretend to be a virgin in this day-and-age?

Auri: It would soon turn into an omelette, Auri.

Kara: It tells me you suffer from wind. Or should that be 'the vapours'?

Sabrina: I have never worn knickers, Saby. Pantaloons yes, knickers no. If you were being sacrificed, I'd make sure you only suffered a little death.

Rubbish: It's a bit like first aid. You never know when it might come in use.
 
Maybe Sarah Palin could be dropped in to appease the Gods? I'm not sure she would be missed.
 
What I love most about you is that you're always thinking about the people. I am looking forward to learning how to harvest coconuts and climb apes or whatever I have to do.
Inconsiderate volcanos are the worst. I apologize on behalf of all things female.

EmmaK has a great solution though.
 
If they need a male sacrifice, I've got just the one.
 
Emma: I'm not sure how easy it would be easy to disguise her as a virgin. Could it be done with latex and skin paint?

Ms Vodka: With that kind of can-do spirit we'd probably offer you a job.

Ms OWO: A family member?
 
Nope
 
Ah, of course, it must be HIM.
 
Hahaha. The dreaded HIM.
 
You have a very good blog that the main thing a lot of interesting!hope u go for this site to increase visitor. BTW keep blogging!!
 
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