Monday, June 28, 2010

British women are bored

A survey has revealed that two-thirds of British women are completely bored with life. I can’t say I’m surprised. Back in my circus days, I was frequently accosted by English girls who wanted to escape their humdrum existence.

“Can I join the circus, GB?” they would ask.

“It takes years of training to perform in the ring,” I would explain.

“I don’t have to be a performer, I could be your personal assistant,” they would say.

Tempted as I was by such propositions, practical considerations forced me to decline:

“That’s a very kind offer, but you wouldn’t be entitled to a trailer and I couldn’t keep you as a house pet. Here is the card of my mentor, Dr Whipsnade, who is the patron of a society for aspiring young ladies. Give him a call and I’m sure he’ll set you on the right path.”

I regretted not being able to help them myself, but at least I placed them in good hands.

When I told the manager of the safari camp about the survey, he had no doubt at all about the cause of their discontentment.

“Of course they’re frustrated!” he exclaimed. “Most British men prefer watching snooker on TV to pleasuring their wives!”

“The survey made no mention of sexual dissatisfaction,” I said.

“Trust me, Bananas, when a woman says she's bored that’s code for ‘my husband doesn’t go down on me’.”

“Your decoding abilities astound me,” I replied. “You ought to run a translation service for couples with communication problems.”

I was being sarcastic, of course. Oral sex is nothing to be sniffed at, but it isn’t the answer to all life’s problems. Nor is it good for the health if it goes on for too long. There must come a point when the recipient feels like a lemon that’s had the juice sucked out of it. In any case, the contentment gained from satisfying carnal desires is ephemeral. It does not provide an antidote to a deeper malaise of the spirit.

If you ask me, these bored British broads need to get back to Nature. Look at my females. Their lives are as free and unfettered as birds in the sky. They roam; they forage; they pluck fresh fruit from the trees. If they get the urge to run amok, there’s not a power on Earth that can stop them. They don’t have to worry about snoopy neighbours or disapproving fishwives. The only malicious gossips in the jungle are parrots, and they can be silenced by sticking a knob of toffee on their beaks.

My advice to any world-weary women is to spend a few months on an uninhabited tropical island. Live off shell fish and coconuts; strip off and swim in the ocean; climb trees until your rump is as brown as a berry and as firm as an apple. The experience will change your whole outlook on life and make a new woman of you. If you’re still bored after that, you probably need a good seeing to.

Labels: , , ,

Not just British women are completely bored with life, Mr Bananas. And unfortunately, life in the asphalt jungle is not exactly like in the Congo jungle.

I'm one of those who'd like to escape to a remote desert island and put my cell phone down, but maybe I'd better apply for a position in your group of females and live the free and unfettered existence they live. Wwhat do you think?
Would there be a flushing toilet, jacuzzi (not one and the same), and Starbucks for that occasional frapaccino? If so, count me in, GB.
I'm pretty sure I can get used to living on an island climbing trees and eating fruit while swimming in the ocean.
We do that... jet off to a tropical destination, lie around the pool sipping Margarita's or Mai Tais (depending on which tropical paradise we inhabit). Oddly, even THAT gets boring after a while.

I can only attribute it to a life of wanton excess and indulgence... which I am not the least willing to give up.
Naked ladies in trees is all well and good, but some ladies are not all that good at climbing.

Perhaps we could encourge nude roaming of the savanah as an alternative. Walking is terribly good for the buttocks.
Interestingly enough, a parallel study found a high degree of correlation between boredom and a willingness to participate in surveys. Of course, that certainly doesn't detract from your advice, which I wholeheartedly support.
You could do all that in Northampton, or Penge. Your life certainly wouldn't be boring then.
Leni: You'd be welcome to join them, Leni, but I would have to brief you fully before you did. One shouldn't jump into these things unprepared.

Robyn: Those facilities are available at the safari guesthouse, Robyn. How's your tree climbing?

Rebecca: I'm sure you could too, Rebecca. Confidence is always the first step.

Robert: It's lethargy that leads to boredom. That's why climbing trees is an essential part of the therapy.

Jon: Walking does not flex the gluteus maximus: it has to be something which bends and straightens the body. I reckon I could teach most women to climb trees.

Kyknoord: Are you saying a silent majority of women are living a stimulating life? What is their secret?

Lady Daphne: Not sure the ocean is warm enough in those places, milady. Perhaps Madame Defarge would know.
Great! I'm ready for a crash course on 'how to become a female gorilla'! When are we starting?
Living by the sea, I can confirm that the water is definitely not warm enough and, if I started running around bare arsed on the front, I'd probably get arrested... or taken away by the men in white jackets.

Regular walking keeps my fabulous butt cheeks in good order but, like the rest of my body, they are as white as the background of this page.

And, unlike most British women, I am most definitely not bored... although, of course, I do get a lot of sexual attention so maybe there is some truth in your theory ;P
I like the way you think.
ZOMG GB your blog now comes with a content warning!!!
I'm soo jealous!
I could do with some tree climbing...or rather some naked tree climbing will do me good...the arse is getting limp and needs desperately to get firmed :p

I'm sure i would be on seventh heaven if i could lie on a beach all day butt nekkid....better yet roam a whole island 24-7 butt nekkid....*sigh*....if only i were as rich as that Branson feller to buy my own island....

Could i run around naked in your camp Bananas?
I'm bored.

"strip off and swim in the ocean".

Now that sounds like a great plan.
We all need therapy GB. Men also need to venture out into the islands, probably the same inlands where the frustrated British women are.

i definitely get bored if i don't go somewhere new every year or so. but i refuse to believe that coconuts can solve anything. nasty little things.
Leni: You're the most enthusiastic pupil I've had in a long time, Leni!

Joanna: Well if you're not bored, Joanna, there's no need to climb trees and tan your behind. Just treat my suggestion as a contingency plan.

Heff: That's good to know, Heff!

Sabrina: You're welcome to roam around naked in my place, Saby. I'd rub on some ointment to protect you from insect bites.

Donut girl: Check the temperature of the water first, Ms Donut. I'd hate to think of your teeth chattering.

Nothingman: Yes, I think that already happens in many islands near Greece.

Kara: It's the climbing and the picking that's good for your tush, Missy. If you don't like the coconuts you can feed them to the possums.
I'd rather be bored than have to run away from poachers. Just sayin'.

; )
SODA AND CANDY: Or those bloody intrusive documentary people filming you while you're "at it"!
I think "a good seeing to" should come before the swimming in the buff and tree climbing. Then make once more after that. ect.
S&C: Hello, Madam! There aren't any poachers on uninhabited islands, but you can take a pistol if it would put your mind at ease.

Circus Monkey: How do you know she isn't an exhibitionist?

Ms OWO: Now you're being greedy. You can get a good seeing to at home.
Agreed. These women should also consider sending their bras to Africa.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin