Friday, May 21, 2010

Violets are blue

Mel Gibson has vehemently denied bedding a Polish porn star called Violet Kowal. “It’s an absurd fabrication!” he yelled at a reporter who asked him whether he put on a Batman mask before mounting her. Violet has stuck to her story, taking a lie-detector test to prove she’s telling the truth.

“Mel is great in bed,” she said. “It was the best sex I’ve ever had.”

You’ve got to admire a woman who speaks so generously of a man who has denounced her as a hoaxer. Mel should hang his head in shame for his ungallant behaviour. A gentleman would have accepted the compliment gracefully rather than issuing shrill denials. It’s not as if he had a reputation to protect.

Could he be worried that people will think Violet isn’t attractive enough for him? A-list actors are incredibly vain and hate to be seen chasing B-list totty. I showed her picture to the manager of the safari camp to find out what he thought. After ogling the photo from several different angles, he gave me his considered opinion.

“She’s not bad at all,” he said, “but you can’t tell everything from a picture. She may be one of those dishes that looks better on the plate than it tastes in the mouth.”

“Hmm,” I mused. “I suppose you could say that about any woman. But this is beside the point. If I were Mel’s pimp, I’d find him a woman nearer his own age – young enough to be his baby sister rather than his daughter. People respect a man who declines the spring chicken for the more mature fowl. It shows sophistication and discretion. And confidence in one’s plucking ability.”

The manager was horrified by my suggestion.

“You’re crazy, Bananas!” he exclaimed. “Women like that are called 'cougars'. They hang out in packs, comparing sex toys and hiring male strippers to molest. Videos of their antics are all over the internet. It’s terrifying!”

“Cougars, you say?” I replied. “Aren’t they just overgrown pussycats with sharper claws and bigger teeth? I will investigate before commenting on your allegations.”

After doing my own research, I discovered that these cougars are nothing like as frightful as the manager implied. In many ways they are a positive social force. The manufacturers of erotic lingerie are especially grateful to them for
buying their wares during the economic downturn. As for their romps with male strippers, that’s just harmless, high-spirited fun. It’s obvious that the strippers are not really cringing with fear but enjoying every minute of it. Nor are the cougars treating them particularly roughly – female gorillas would be astonished at their moderation.

These vivacious ladies ought to have an annual convention to exchange ideas and make strategic decisions. I would certainly attend as a sympathetic observer, offering the gorilla perspective on cougarism, and filming some of the livelier seminars. It might end up as an award-winning documentary to rival the work of my friend Davy Attenborough. Any cougars who’d like to get involved should drop me a line tout de suite.

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At what age do you think you have to be before being considered a cougar? Just wondering how long I have to wait.
Age-wise – I’d qualify as a cougar.
Action-wise? Not at all.
Yet. ;)

(Ha! Such bravado! I’m sitting here laughing at myself...)
I don't believe there is an actual age at which a woman becomes a Cougar; it is more an issue of the age disparity between the Cougar and the Prey. There are certainly many worse things that could befall a young male.
I have no desire to be a cougar, a man would have to be at least 40 before I'd consider bedding him
Ahhhh Batman...who could resist him or his mask....

But i am curious as well...what exactly constitues a Cougar or being called one? Is it solely dependant on the age of the women or the age difference between her and the men she beds?
Let me know if you need a production assistant. I'm too old to be worthy any self-respecting cougar's scrutiny.
Love Cougar Town with Courtney Cox. Now she could stick her claws into me.
Cougars are, of course, women of a certain age bedding younger men. Sigh. I aspire to be a cougar. Unfortunately when I dress to impress the lads I look like Ronnie Corbett in drag.
Ms OWO: I think you already qualify as as apprentice cougar, Aly. I'm sure you'll be a fast learner.

Beth: Maybe you need someone to show you the ropes, Beth.

Robert: Who could offer young males better training? I'm sure they have many satisfied customers.

Nursemyra: I'm sure you'd get many offers from younger ones, Nursie. But I guess they might not satisfy all your needs.

Sabrina: Samantha in Sex in the City is supposed to be the archetypal cougar, Saby. It seems to be about age, age-difference and sexual appetite.

Kyknoord: I'll direct and you can be the cameraman. You won't miss any action that way.

Rubbish: I never realised that (a) there was a Cougar TV shown and (b) Courtney Cox was still getting work. I'm glad she can still make someone's pulse race.

Mrs Table: Hello, Mrs Table! Isn't Ronnie Corbett quite attractive in drag? You'd be surprised how many men like a petite woman who can tell tall stories and make funny faces.
To all readers of Mutleythe dogsdayout

I am so terribly sorry to break this news:

Rob, the author here on blogger of mutley the dog, and my beloved partner in life died peacefully in his sleep in the early hours last Friday, the 21st of May.

I would have preferred to email readers privately. That would have been best, I know. So sorry. Simply it is this - I am heart-broken.

At some near time I will post properly, as Rob would wish - a celebration!


It's rather difficult to comment after that last one from merry weather. So, I shall forbear from my banter about cougars.
I would do Mel in a Batman mask...just sayin....
I'm really shocked too about the sad -and surprising- news. Mutts shall be very much missed in the blogsphere.

PS.- I had my comment in mind and I'd like to leave it here: I think I'm not old enough to be a cougar. I'll drop you a line in a few years if you're still interested. :)
I do aspire to cougardom myself.
I agree re Gibson -that anti-semitic jerk who is no longer sexy at all. Why would he deny it? It would only improve his reputation.

What happened to the “old” Mel, before he went crazy or maybe there was always something “off” about him, it just took a while for “the crazy” to come out?

Cougars beware ~ having a younger partner increases a woman’s chances of an early death, according to a German study.
I don't believe it!
Merry Weather: Dear Kate: this is terribly sad news. I have sent you an email to express my feelings more fully.

Madame Defarge: Quite so, Madame D. I discovered his blog over 3 years ago and we shared many laughs.

Christiejolu: Hello, Miss! The Batman mask would add much needed gravitas to his demeanour.

Leni: I share your feelings, Leni. I have sent you an email about Mutley.

Robyn: Good luck to you, Robyn! Learning how to stalk and pounce are the first steps.

Donut girl: I read about that study myself, Ms Donut. They hypothesized that a woman with a younger lover is under more stress. I'd like to hear from a woman with personal experience before taking a view.
I didn't realize it until now that one of my fantasies is to bed a Polish porn star while dressed as Batman (I would be dressed as Batman, not her...although I suppose it could work either way).

GB, I believe there is a cougar convention.

And commenting ladies, I would like to add that next time you're in the U.S., I can help you become the cougar you always knew you could be.
Sad news about Mutley.

Is a cougar what you land up with after the Lynx Effect takes hold?
The woman second from the left in the photo bears a passing resemblance to an actual cougar.

"People respect a man who declines the spring chicken for the more mature fowl."

That should probably be stitched into a pillow or something.
Heyyy, thanks for stopping by I am glad you did. I like the way you write.

I would qualify as a cougar. I lurve eye candy. I won't necessarily sleep with younger men... since I do have a partner... but that is not my point. My point is COUGARS UNITE.
Chris V: Thanks for telling me about the convention - it seems to be an inaugural event. Why don't we meet up there? If you go in a Batman costume I'll be able to recognise you.

Lady Daphne: Do you think so, milady? I suspect a cougar could very easily overpower a lynx.

Shawn: She does look rather cat-like, doesn't she? Do you think it's the Botox?

Ms Wannabe: Hello and welcome, Ms Wannabe! You sound like a natural leader. The cougars should make you their Grand Pussy (or whatever the title is).
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