Monday, May 03, 2010

The scent of a human

I’m thinking of sending a condolence note to a shop worker in America who got punched in the face for telling a customer he smelt awful. I know from experience how sensitive humans can be about the odours they exude. Back in my circus days, I happened to catch a whiff of the female acrobats after a particularly strenuous practice session.

“Good heavens, ladies!” I exclaimed. “I could track you at 50 yards like a hyena! It’s a good thing no male baboons are in the vicinity!”

I meant no offence by these remarks, but the girls took umbrage, assailing me with bitter rebukes and rude gestures. I later made up with them by professing admiration for their wholesome emanations.

“Any red-blooded man who sniffed your womanly scents would go crazy with lust,” I said tactfully.

They pooh-poohed my flattery, but were pleased to hear it nonetheless.

I am fortunate that my own smell is extremely congenial to the human nose. We of the House of Bananas are blessed with a rich, woody bouquet, redolent of forests of teak and mahogany after a tropical downpour. This was the first thing Lady Chuffington noticed on meeting me after a circus performance.

“I say, Bananas, that’s a damned intoxicating aftershave you’re wearing,” she remarked. “What is it?”

“Milady, you are mistaken,” I replied. “I do not apply perfumes to any part of my body, which as you can see is unshaven from head to toe. The fragrance you are inhaling is pure essence of gorilla.”

“How extraordinary!” she exclaimed. “I’m tempted to ask you to lie on the couches in my home to freshen them up. Your belly would make an excellent cushion if we could get it in the right position.”

“You are too generous, milady,” I replied. “Much as I would enjoy assuming any position you suggested, my busy schedule would not permit such luxurious indolence.”

Now the crux of the human body odour problem is perspiration. Homo sapiens is by far the sweatiest of the primates, its abundant pores being used to discharge a variety of malodorous toxins. It follows that women who habitually anoint themselves with antiperspirants and deodorants are bottling up noxious substances that their body needs to expel. This might cause them to behave like the venomous tarantula, biting and stinging at the slightest provocation.

My advice to women who use such toiletries is to have a weekly sauna to sweat out the poisons that would otherwise aggravate their distemper. That’s what the women of Sweden do, and they are famously easy-going and laconic. A side-effect of their sauna habit is that an unusually high proportion of them have
bisexual fantasies, presumably about the women they see naked in the steam cabin. Is that a bad thing, though? I’d wager any husband striving to pleasure his wife would rather she were thinking of a woman than another man.

Actually I’m not so sure about this, I throw it open for debate.

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I'm pretty sure my husband approves of the photo you posted. I'm not too sure that seeing a sweaty naked girl would make me have fantasies but to each her own, right?
Timely post – just came in from gardening (yeah, the dandelions again…) and I’m perspiring. (Ladies never sweat – they perspire.) Hope I got rid of some toxins. I think it’s time for a shower…
How nice for you that your body odour is always such a delight!
Actually, GB, human beings of the female variety glisten. We don't sweat, and we don't perspire. Human beings of the male variety, however, sweat just like the pig. Lady Gaga exudes odor of the highest magnitude.
That's a classic fantasy among human males, Mr Bananas, and a threesome that all of them would love, no matter if they sweat, perspire or exude.

And no, it's not a bad thing to fantasice, quite the contrary.
The Swedish report alluded to in your link is attributed to experts. But experts in what? One is never told that kind of thing.
I started to research this female bisexual fantasy thing but got too sidetracked by the picture to do any serious empirical statistical evidence.

My wife assures me that two women having sex is primarily a male fantasy. Yeah.. so?!! Ok I'll admit it, science doesn't have all the answers.
the subject of attractive smells is dear to my heart. When Stephen perspired it made me feel weak with desire, his sweat was intoxicating.

no one else has ever smelled "right" since he died
GB darling i know you love what you do but might i entice you to come over here so that i may lie on you??? Not just for the smell but for the bed is most uncomfortable and i bet lying on your belly would knock me out in seconds! All totally innocent of course *snort* and I will pay good money!

Oh but i might be moving to swtizerland to finally indulge in my lesbian fantasy(ies) so i will keep you posted :p
Dear me, so this is distressing news indeed. If I'd encouraged my ex to visit the sauna more regularly, then there's a chance my marriage wouldn't have failed.
I wonder what essence those glistening lesbians are exuding now?? One thing I know for sure, I'm quite ripe.
Rebecca: Right you are, Rebecca, a woman has a right to pick and choose her fantasies.

Beth: I'm glad to hear you allow yourself to perspire profusely, Beth. It surely explains your congenial nature.

Robyn: Thanks for setting me straight, Robyn. Men sweat like the pig and women glisten like...the frog?

Leni: Do you think the girls in the picture need a man to help them out, Leni? I'm not sure where he'd fit in. I suppose he might put the icing on their cake, so to speak.

Inkspot: They're obviously very proficient at asking women about their sexual fantasies. And getting research grants to do so.

Robert: But it's not a just a male fantasy, is it? Women like it as well. I think you should argue the point more tenaciously with your wife.

Nursemyra: Dearest Nursie, that's so sad. I hope you'll always remember his smell.

Sabrina: I wouldn't charge you a penny, Saby, consider me to be your free couch. I'm so looking forward to hearing about your Swiss adventure.

Kyknoord: Well, you could still offer her the advice if you think she needs it. Is there a new man in her life?

Static: You'd better go and have a shower then. You can print off the picture and take it with you if you like.
100% with you on the sauna fantasy thing. Can I keep the picture?
I read this is ...blah blah blah...*PICTURE*

Sorr, what were you saying again? I keep getting distracted.
I didn't know you had to go to Switzerland to fulfil your lesbian fantasies these days. About time they spiced up their image as a nation of meticulous, careful, balanced [tries to think of other ways of avoiding the word 'boring'], fondue-noshing neutrals. There's a women's erotica shop in Zurich called Clit Care which I reviewed in my updated chapter on the city for the Fodor's 2000 Guide To Switzerland. I'll leave you in suspense as to whether or not Random House included the review in its final published version.
Even I have to agree with Squirrel. Sweat...things and stuff...picture.
Gorilla? What are you trying to do to with me with those pictures? Jesus.
I sweat like a pig - I'd love to "glisten like the frog" but my pores wont have it. On the bright side, when I hit the menopause it'll be 'business as usual' for me :P
Talking of womens smells read my latest. In other news, the "Good heavens, Ladies" sentance is the funniest thing I've read in a while.
I asked my Wife if she fantasised about anyone in particular when she was having sex? She said she'd ring me next time to let me know!
Ubergrumpy: You can print it out and put it in your wallet. Tell people they're your third cousins.

Red Squirrel: That's why you should always read the post before examining at the picture. You've missed the vital context.

Indie Pop: Do they allow men in that shop? You don't have to possess one to care about them.

Ms OWO: It's all quite innocent. really. Do you have a girlfriend who'd do that with you?

Mark S: You're not supposed to wank off to photographic art, mate. Just admire the contours and colours.

Cheyelle: You sound like a girl who'd enjoy a sauna, Cheyelle. Maybe it's time to make it a habit.

Rubbish: Hah, she's got a clever tongue! Better make her say your name to be on the safe side.
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