Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The new Miss USA

The manager of the safari camp is hoping that the news Miss USA will visit us.

“Just think of all the publicity we’d get,” he says. “We could film her eating a banana in the swimming pool.”

I scratch my neck pensively. To be honest, I’m not sure whether having her here will be good for our image. On the plus side, Miss Rima Fakih has a degree in economics, which will counter the erroneous belief that women who eat bananas in swimming pools are airheads. On the minus side, she is the winner of a pole dancing competition, which is not a pastime we would wish to encourage in the Congo. Behaviour of that sort distracts the men and confuses the baboons.

Another cause for concern is the
cloud of controversy that engulfed this year’s Miss USA pageant. The muttering and harrumphing began when the contestants distributed revealing photos of themselves in seductive lingerie. Many fans protested that this betrayed the core values of the competition. I see their point. An event in which nubile young women wiggle their bottoms on stage should not be cheapened by the wanton flaunting of flesh. Anyone would think they were trying to influence the judges by making them horny.

I detect the sinister hairpiece of Donald Trump behind it all. He who pays the piper decides which pipe is blown. His response to the complaints was incredibly mealy-mouthed and evasive:

“I think the girls have gone maybe a little over the top this year,” he waffled.

Over the top of what? – the hedge outside his mansion? – the vaulting horse in his gymnasium? – the stuffed rhino in his bedroom? When a hard-headed entrepreneur starts using ambiguous language you can be sure that funny business is going on behind the scenes. Someone should shake Trump by the lapels until he confesses. Owning the store doesn’t entitle him to stick his hand in the candy jar whenever he wants.

Many people disapprove of beauty pageants on principle. I have a lot of sympathy for their position. What does the title of Miss USA really tell you about a woman? I’ve seen pictures of Miss Fakih and I’m damned if I can say what put her ahead of her rivals. Judging a woman as a package doesn’t make sense unless you’re going to marry her.

These competitions should be run like an athletics meeting, with specialist events for the diverse talents on display. Multiple queens could be crowned for excelling in different qualities – Miss Cutie for the prettiest face; Miss Chest for the perkiest boobs; Miss Buns for the nicest behind; Miss Hoochie for the girl most likely to sleep with Charlie Sheen. Picking out one contestant as the most beautiful is unfair to the others and too big a burden for the winner. Imagine having to act the like flower of your nation’s womanhood for a whole year, pouting for the cameras and holding in your farts. I certainly wouldn’t enjoy it.

I think I’ll send a telegram to Miss Fakih congratulating her on her coronation and advising her to behave with discretion. The title of Miss USA is regrettably a man-ho magnet, and I’d hate to think of some conceited dandy adding her to the notches on his bedpost. A woman who takes the name of her country must mercilessly shoot down intruders who enter her airspace.

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These pageants are too homogeneous these days, and ought to highlight the national as well as secondary-sexual characteristics of the entrants.

For example, Miss USA ought to be able to cheerlead, sharp-shoot, and eat her own bodyweight in sandwiches.
I'd like to shake Trump by the lapels even if he confesses.
Yeah, what's getting into you must be rather hard, when you win the pagaent. I mean, it must be challenging not knowing what you've gotten yourself into, when you win the pagaent. The poor woman.
I'm pretty sure winning the title either garners tremendous amounts of controversy and/or ridicule, or it leads to starring in a Doritos commercial. Those are the only two paths. It seems controversy is the way of this one, so we're stuck with the current Doritos campaign for now.
Having to act the like flower of my nation’s womanhood for an entire year (including that holding in thing…) is the ONLY reason I never entered the Miss Canada pageant!
Way too much pressure… ;)
I believe Ms Fakih is also a Moslem, which is going to test the resistance of Al Caida and his friends.
Who, other than Donald Trump, actually watches these dumb pageants any more? If they are to have any relevance today the contestants need to be able to mud wrestle and drive NASCAR.
I am torn, torn, torn with the Miss U pageant. For the longest time, I frowned upon these fuckers who objectified women but now I am beginning to think, hell women, go for it, flaunt what your momma gave yah! Be proud of your assets.
you can film me eating a banana in a swimming pool.

when should i arrive?
I thought the whole point was for them to go a little over the top.

So, she won a polka contest?
Mr Boyo: There are some who would say you were asserting a crude national stereotype. I applaud you for your acute social observation.

Kynoord: Yes, indeed, lapel-shaking is too good for the bounder.

Robyn: Do you think beauty queens should always hold in their farts?

Shawn: Doritos are damn good, but I don't think beauty queens are the right people to promote them. You can't lick a Dorito off a beauty queen.

Beth: "Pressure" is the right word, Beth! I've heard it's possible to sneak them out slowly with good sphincter control. We gorillas always pass wind at full blast.

Lady Daphne: Yet some people are saying she's pro-mullah. It sounds very unlikely to me.

Robert: I believe your point is correct, if rather crudely put. The problem with these pageants is that they are neither fish nor fowl.

Ms Wannabe: I can see you've matured with age. (I'm not saying you're old, just older than you used to be.)

Kara: Anytime you like, Missy. Mi casa es su casa.
But wait, you don't like bananas!

Murr Brewster: You might think so, but some fans of the pageant see it as a wholesome, traditional type of thing.
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Check my blog for details.

Ms Smack
I like what Kara said
What amazes me is that the contestants have often posed for seedy photos with inevitably surface the moment the crown is screwed onto the head. And then they act surprised!
If Donald Trump is involved I think we know exactly which pipe he's paying to be blown....
So i thought of you when I was typing in the word apetit for a previous comment and realized that it has been far, far, far too long since I've been here. Feel free to spank me.

Or Miss America. Or Donald's sinister hairpiece.
"Behaviour of that sort distracts the men and confuses the baboons" -- best line I've read all day.
I could do well in a Miss Intellectual contest, but suspect that my wrinkled stockings would let me down in any other pageant.
Ms Smack: His missus told me tragic the news, Ms Smack. I've left a comment on his blog.

Nursemyra: She's a sassy little madam, Nursie.

Zaedah: I would advise them to brazen it out rather than getting embarrassed or upset.

Red Squirrel: Yes and I bet it doesn't even play in tune.

Lola: Hello, Miss Lola! I'd love to spank you, but you have to do something naughty first!

Brutalism: Feel free to quote it as often as you like, ma'am.

Madame Defarge: You would also do well in a Miss High-Class-Totty tournament, Madame D.
I think she is gorgeous, but overall I view pageants as a bit silly ~ yet one can't discount the entertainment factor.

Now the child pageants are where I get freaked out… they have no choice.
Is there an armpit farting category for Miss World competitions, because I can guarantee it would increase revenue.
I love bananas and i love swimming pools so you could def film me anytime as well...perhaps me and kara could do a little synchronized thingy for you :)
Well Miss USA's got talent! He has a degree in Economics; is a talented poledancer and a beautiful model of sexy lingerie.

I'm pretty sure she would be able to eat a banana in the swimming pool with honours. She's a real winner.

And you said she's Muslim as well?
I'd like to shake Trump by his hairpiece!

P.S. Do Muslims eat bananas?? It seems rather rakish, to me.
Was Trump not referring to the Aberdeenshire WI?

There was some threat of their stripping down to three woollen vests and a foundation garment in protest at his golf club scheme.
Donut girl: That's a very balanced opinion, Ms Donut. Where do you stand on pet pageants?

The Jules: Can women really do that? I must say I'd enjoy watching them!

Sabrina: She doesn't like bananas, Saby, so I'd give her share to you. I'd like to stuff your mouth with bananas.

Leni: I don't know that much about her, Leni. If she visited the Congo I'd probe her thoroughly.

Madam Z: I believe there are sharia-approved ways of eating bananas, Madame Z. You've got to bite and chew beneath a veil.

Kevin: Ah, yes! I believe he's still determined to go ahead with that golf course. They should train the local birds to go for Trump's hair, which would make decent nest bedding.
Having been a pole-dancer should have equipped her with a lot of skills required for her assignment, I presume.
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