Friday, May 07, 2010

Indonesian police ban

Indonesia’s chief of police has banned men with artificially enlarged penises from the force. A wise policy in my view. Victims of crime are already in a state of shock and don’t need a visit from Officer Cobra Pants. It's not easy to describe an offender’s features to someone with a zucchini in his trousers. It might be a different story if policemen wore kilts, but that would open up another can of worms. A law enforcer who can’t kick a suspect’s behind without exposing himself is fatally flawed as a crime fighter.

The one exception I’d make is for officers working in the Vice Squad. It’s common knowledge that well-endowed policemen get more respect from prostitutes and pimps. They’re harder to bribe for one thing. A working girl would think twice about offering a freebie to a man whose appendage might damage the source of her income. I don’t know which squad was involved in the recent
round-up of beach gigolos in Bali, but I hope they measured up to the task. You don’t want policemen getting an inferiority complex from manhandling gigolos.

Are the Indonesian police yearning for greater groin mass to compensate for another inadequacy? Perhaps their standard issue handgun is one of those puny little pistols used by gamblers in the Old West to threaten a rival under the table. A cop won’t feel secure in his virility unless you equip him with a piece like the 44-Magnum. I bet Dirty Harry never gave a second thought to the size of his dick when he was blowing away all the punks and psychos who crossed his path.

When I was in the circus we never called the police, preferring in-house solutions to our security problems. The midgets looked out for pickpockets and bottom-pinchers in the crowds that assembled before the show, keeping me informed by walkie-talkie. If they reported any funny business, I swung over on a guy rope and apprehended the suspect with the long arm of the gorilla. Very little violence was required. To the pickpockets, I simply said:

“You’ve got a choice: you can give what you stole to me, or you can give it to the lions.”

They always gave it to me.

A different approach was required for the bottom pinchers. I gave them a speech along the following lines:

“A pox on your groping fingers, you saucy knave! Apologize for your indecent act or I’ll rip off your pants and expose your grubby gonads to the world! And be sure to repent with downcast eyes or I’ll give your nose a tweak you’ll feel until the next solar eclipse!”

The recipients of the pinch were generally satisfied with the apology, often adding their own acerbic remarks to compound the miscreant’s humiliation. In a few cases, it must be said, the victim behaved in a manner that suggested she had mixed feeling about her experience. One particularly buxom lady even asked her assailant for a date. He didn’t dare refuse under the menace of my stern gaze.

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Where can one volunteer to help with the recruitment verification process?
A sound decision indeed. There are probably too many giant pricks on the force to begin with.
As the fishermen say, “Size does matter.” But then, fishermen are notorious for telling tale tales. ;)
I think she is about to eat him,,,
I routinely receive unsolicited e-mails offering various products/services to enlarge my member. However, as I am not currently seeking a career in law enforcement, I arbitrarily delete them.
where were those beach gigolos when I was in Bali?

I hope there are a few in Lesbos when daisyfae, dolce and I get there in June!
You can never go wrong with a bottom pincher because you either A) Get to beat the shit out of them if you didn't like it, thus getting out pent up aggression. Or B)Take them home for more pinching.

Amazing that in a third world country people can even afford penis implants. Maybe they DIY injecting pig fat into their courgettes? or what?
Madame Defarge: That's very public-spirited of you, Madame D, but I believe it's done mechanically these days.

Kyknoord: Very true. I believe most of them were confiscated in raids by the vice squad.

Beth: They do like big ones, don't they? The small fries seem to wriggle more though.

Mutley: He doesn't look frightened of her, so maybe he's the one who's going to do the eating. She's certainly meaty enough.

Robert: Do you think they targeted you randomly? Perhaps they thought you worked for the FBI.

Nursemyra: You deserve to get it free, Nursie.

Ms OWO: I bet you've done both, Aly. Do you prefer gropes or pinches?

Emma: It's done with bee stings, Emma, I think it's in the link. It's an old method used by the indigenous tribes.
The problem with pinching bottoms is that in some countries it is met with disapproval. Subtlety is the key.

I've often wondered about how useful it would be to have the long arm of the gorilla handy. But unfortunately you can't get 'em over here.
I dont believe I have covered penis implants on my male personal health site. I wonder if any of those gentlemen could be persuaded to share some of their insights... ;P
WOW I didn't know you belonged to the circus security forces!

That buxom lady is scary. Just look at the guys face: he looks like he's about to run away!
Jock strap?
Ha! Too many possible things to say…

"Hindrance under training", makes you wonder what the training entails.
That poor guy in the picture. Did he survive the date?
The recruitment of the orang utan into the Indonesian police is, alas, a fast-receding prospect.
Mo S: Just dangle yourself by your arms every morning if you want to get a gorilla's reach. You could tie a deadweight to each foot to speed things up.

Joanna: Implants are a vile mutilation, Joanna. The Indonesians use a natural bee-sting method.

Leni: I modeled myself on Chin-Ho of Hawaii-5-0 fame, Leni.
Aren't the couple in the picture making erotic eye-contact?

Rachel: Is that a Scotsman, Rach? I don't think a nice girl like you should consorting with such fellows.

Donut Girl: I think they practice headlocks using their thighs, Ms Donut. It doesn't work if they enjoy it too much.

Robyn: She tried to be gentle with him, Robyn. Up to a point.

Mr Boyo: I think they can still apply for positions in the judiciary, though. The Indonesians are short of grand inquisitors of the Dr Zaius pedigree.
I don't know GB... I think I might be more inclined to do whatever a policeman asked if I could get away with calling him Officer Cobra Pants;) Unless it was a spitting cobra. Now that's just bad manners!
Hilarious post! I hate to think what would have happened if that poor boy had refused a date!
I can't get over the fact that such an enormous woman has such tiny nipples!!!
Auri: That's because you're a generous sort of woman, Auri. But would you also be a reliable witness?

Ca88andra: Hello and welcome, Ca88! Don't feel sorry for the boy, he got more than he deserved. A lot more...

Sabrina: The whale has small eyes, Saby. Do you prefer bigger ones?
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