Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Brainy Spice?

My eyes lit up when a man on safari described Victoria Spice as an “airhead”. Having just read a fascinating article about her lineage, I was well-placed to refute his ignoble assertion.

“I think not, my good man!” I declared. “A genealogist has discovered that her great-great-great grandfather was a radical artist who hung out with Karl Marx. Whatever you think of Marx, he didn’t waste time hobnobbing with airheads.”

“What does that prove?” retorted the man. “The total number of great-great-great grandparents is 32. Her other 31 must have been straw-chewing yokels and buxom wenches. Any brain-juice from Marx’s pal would have been diluted with a gallon of doofus syrup.”

“What shocking bigotry!” I protested. “Are buxom wenches necessarily dim-bulbs?”

“Name one that isn’t,” he challenged.

”Kate Winslet,” I replied instantly.

“Decent pair of jugs but no Einstein,” he remarked coarsely.

I parted company with the fellow, shaking my head and tut-tutting. Had I wished to continue the debate, I would have pointed out that buxom wenches were not likely in Victoria’s family tree, given that her own figure is somewhere between slender and cadaverous.

Human genealogy is a fascinating subject though. The further you go back in time, the more likely it is you’ll find some phenomenal breeder with millions of modern-day descendants. Half the human race has either King Solomon or Genghis Khan as an ancestor. The lucky ones are related to both. If you see an angry fellow who likes horses, swords and concubines, you know where he gets it from.

Geneticists have proved that the entire human species is descended from a woman who lived in Africa about 200,000 years ago. This
mysterious über-mother, whom scientists have named Eve, eclipsed all her rivals in the mating and child-rearing stakes. What was so special about her? The scientists have no idea and assume she just got lucky – maybe she was having a dirty weekend on Mount Kilimanjaro when a massive tsunami struck.

Another possibility is that Eve had some kind of biological advantage. The manager of the safari camp is convinced that her breasts were exceptionally large. As well as providing a plentiful supply of milk for her considerable brood, they would have made her irresistible to potential suitors. The men of that epoch were not very subtle and tended to focus entirely on a woman’s jahoobies. It wasn’t until the great cultural awakening of the Cro-Magnon period that more diverse tastes developed and men began to notice a lady’s thighs and buttocks.

Yet such theories have little relevance to Victoria Spice, who was not put on Earth to be gawked at for her fleshy adornments. I remain convinced that the woman has hidden intellectual depths, invisible to the naked eye, but perceptible to the de-waxed ear. No wonder the odious Simon Cowell has
refused to employ her as a judge on his tawdry talent show. He is just the sort of the conceited TV pundit that Victoria would upstage with her shrewd little comments.

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Modern medical techniques and the miracle compound, silicon, have now make it possible for a wench within any level of intellectual strata to become buxom to the degree which they desire.

The down side, however, is that the artificially enhanced women will more readily attract males with whom to mate thereby causing the "small breasted" gene to then continue to be passed on to their progeny -- thereby making small breastedness the prevalent physiological attribute for future populations.

What is the answer then? I suggest investing in companies that manufacture breast implants... I see double-growth potential in profits here.
Another penetrating insight, GB. I suspect Ms Victoria is simply waiting for the right moment to unleash her Cthulhu-sized intellect on this unsuspecting world and bring it to heel.
I sometimes wonder if fame doesn't make many of those beautiful girls seem like air-heads. They see all the pretty lights that mix with the shiny shoes and they are just nothing more than a deer in the headlights.

I'm pretty sure they are all pretty witty or else they wouldn't be where they are today...famous and rich.

Maybe they just give the cameras and the people what they want.
Eventually, everyone is either the ancestor of everyone or of no one, except for a few isolated areas. Just one person from europe will have some relation to all the famous people of 500 years ago who are still in the gene pool. Just one makes it to India or Arica and 10 generations later that's pretty much it. Of course it's all more of an average, but the lost tribe of israel seems to be in africa, entirely black (africa will select out anyone who doesn't do well in sun quickly) but the leader I saw on tv looked just like a very tan mel brooks.
If the small breasted women of the world don't get out there and start padding their bras pretty soon only the large breasted women will be passing down their genes...

Just kidding... I can't stand padded bras. Or smart women who still have big tits. That's just rude. Fuck them.
well that's the only article about Victoria Beckham I've ever read through to the end
The great-great-great granddaughter of Karl Marx's comrade looks scarily like the flying dog in Wolfgang Petersen's film "The never ending story" (just a bit more skinny). Too many plastic surgeries, I guess.

If I had lived 200.000 years ago, I would have been surely ignored by our common male Cro-magnon ancestors when they developed their taste for curvacious females.

("The great cultural awakening of the Cro-magnon period", I nearly split my sides laughing ;))
This was another well reasonsed piece, GB. I can't argue with any of it. Thank goodness I am not blonde, not naturally anyway.
She guest judged on American Idol this year. She's a smart ass. And her head looked extremely large. Full of air or full of brains, I don't know.
Surely, Simon Fuller is "Brainy Spice"?
Robert: There's more to being buxom than having a huge pair of hooters. I can see you're one of those unsophisticated pre Cro-Magnon men.

Kyknoord: She's been talking about helping Mrs Obama with her wardrobe, so she's setting her sights high.

Rebecca: I'm sure you're right, Rebecca. Men don't appreciate their witty remarks because they're distracted by their looks.

Charles E Cheese: Are you sure it wasn't Mel Brooks himself? I wouldn't be surprised if he blacked-up in Al Jolson fashion to re-invent himself as an African Jew.

Auri: Small tits are wonderful, Auri. Nice wholesome little tomatoes are so much better that silicone-filled beach-balls.

Nursemyra: Did it improve your opinion of her, Nursie?

Leni: Perhaps you would have been perfect for the later era of classical mythology, Leni, when nymphs were being ravished by satyrs.

Robin: I'm glad we are of one mind, Robyn. I'm sure being blond would not lessen your intellect.

Hater von G: I didn't know that. The big head must have been an optical illusion. I'm glad she otherwise made a good impression.

Cheyelle: Who he? I've just looked him up. All brain and no spice, I would say.
Are you sure about this Mr Bananas? I read somewhere that everyone with blue eyes has one common ancestor whilst everyone else doesnt. I note that both Simon and Victoria are brown eyed...
I'm afraid not GB
I like Mitochondrial Eve, it gives me hope to see that it can take up to 200,000 years before they realize how special you are.
Pretty sure Posh is related to the flying dog..and that Simon is related to Frankenstein's monster. The top of his head is quite boxy.
Pretty sure Posh is related to the flying dog..and that Simon is related to Frankenstein's monster. The top of his head is quite boxy.
I'm concerned as my girlfirend is well and truly of the buxom sort. And she's a lot brighter than me too.
Jahoobies?? Ha!
This entire post made me laugh – except for the fact we’re supposedly all related. That’s rather depressing.
I rather wish that I could ignore my thighs and bahookie. They remind me of my decent into aged wobble.
Well said, GB. As I Maoist I prefer unlettered yokels to gobby German drones any day, and doubts about La Becks's palate of talents can be dispelled by her droll cameo on Ugly Betty:

Perfect Spice, indeed.

PS I'm not gay.
Mutley: That's not true, Mutley. Paul Newman and Mrs Goebbels were totally unrelated.

Nursemyra: She needs to work on her image, Nursie.

Borah: Good point, Deb, although we don't know her name. I hope it was 'Kuna Katuna'.

Static: He's a monster all right.

Nota Bene: Many congratulations, Sir! Don't let her cleverness stop you enjoying every inch of her buxomness!

Beth: I'm very pleased to be related to you, Beth, even though our closest common ancestor lived 5 million years ago.

Madame Defarge: A bit of wobble never did any harm, Madame D. Jelly is still a very popular dessert.

Mr Boyo: Good heavens, she can act! If Marx were alive, he'd be red with envy!
she DOES look like Falcor. You've just solved so many of life's questions for me.
LOL!!!! She really does look like that creature from Never Ending Story! HHAHAHAHAHAHAH

And although i can't stand the woman and feel she's a bad exmaple to tweens everywhere, i have to admit that she definitely is very intelligent contrary to popular opinion. Intelligently manipulative that is
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