Friday, April 23, 2010

Taxi drama

An unsettling item of news from the north of England. Unwilling to pay a cab fare of ten guineas, a Polish gangster invited the taxi driver to come indoors for a quickie with his wife. When the driver said he’d prefer cash, the gangster flew into a rage and brandished a machete with evil intent. Fortunately, the driver was fleet of foot and managed to escape into an alleyway before the gangster could exact savage retribution for the insult to his pride.

Now the crucial fact in this sorry incident is that the taxi driver had not seen the gangster’s wife before declining to have his way with her. His refusal was therefore an issue of principle rather than an expression of contempt for the woman’s physical charms. It follows that the gangster had no reason whatever to take offence at the driver’s reluctance to mount his missus. The vanity of which humans are capable never fails to astonish me.

I relate this story to a couple of Englishmen staying at the safari guesthouse.

“If I’d been the driver I would have taken my chances and shagged her,” says one of them. “Gangsters’ wives are usually drop-dead gorgeous like Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface.”

“It’s gangsters’ mistresses that are drop-dead gorgeous,” corrects his companion. “Their wives are usually fat birds they impregnated when playing truant from school.”

“That wouldn’t surprise me,” I remark. “And even if she were a beauty, suppose the gangster wanted to watch while you enjoyed her favours? Hoodlums often indulge in peculiar practices of that sort. I believe it’s how they confront their fears.”

“You seem to know a lot about it, GB,” says the first man with a smirk. “Have you ever offered one of your females as repayment for a debt?”

“I have no debts, good Sir,” I reply. “But if I did, I would never offer one of my females as payment in kind. Even if she agreed to do it, she would then demand reimbursement for the value of the services she had rendered on my behalf. It is far better to owe money to a creditor with whom one can negotiate a repayment plan than a female gorilla who would hound me for an immediate settlement in hard cash or coconuts. Of course, if she actually wanted to get intimate with the fellow it might be different story.”

“How would you know if she fancied him, GB?” asks the second man.

“We silverbacks always know when our females are appraising a man as a potential sex toy,” I reply. “My ones usually grind their teeth furiously. Sometimes they crack their fingers like a concert pianist about to give a performance.”

“Bloody hell, GB!” exclaims the first man. “If I ever give you money it’ll be a gift not a loan!”

“As you wish, my dear fellow,” I say reassuringly. “I have no need of gratuities, so I’ll forward your donation to a worthy charity.

I don’t know why men are so scared of female gorillas. I should have told him not to talk until he’d tried it.

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Reminds me of the movie Indecent Proposal .....which worked out a completely different way.
Disturbing indeed! Obviously the gangster business is also struggling to recover from the financial crisis. I find that unaccountably sad.
Since humans and gorillas are so genetically similar, perhaps I should tone down the finger cracking?
Scratch that.
Maybe I should crack them louder…

(love that picture – that expressive face)
Actually GB the story is that the taxi driver picked up the couple so he had seen her.
If I ever hear a gorilla crack her fingers I'm going to break the 100 metre record.
Speaking only for myself, the deciding factor would be body hair... the LESS there is on a female, the higher on the attractiveness scale for me.
LOL at Roberts comment...But now I am thinking maybe I CAN afford that long cab ride next time...Hmmm...

No,,,not really....


it's not THAT long of a drive..
I've been known to grind my teeth in the throes of passion
Rebecca: Well, men never turn down sex in the movies, do they? That would just annoy all the film buffs.

Kyknoord: That's one explanation, but I still have a suspicion that the gangster wanted to watch.

Beth: I think you should save it for special occasions, Beth. Ideally when you expect a lot of fingerwork.

Rubbish: You're right! Do you think she was a right old belter? Maybe the driver didn't get a good look at her.

Robert: I take it you prefer the Brazilian style then. Their pain is your gain.

Invisible Seductress: Quite right, ma'am, there's no need to sell yourself that cheaply. Make the cab driver pay for 5 star hotel room as well.

Nursemyra: I'm sure you do it an an extremely sexy way, Nursie.
If the Taxi driver took the chance that the gangster had the ? control over his wife to force her to be a prostitute, I would bet it was a set-up, like the classic prostitute-pimp con (pimp barges in when the John gets naked). Taxi car stolen when his back is turned or the Taxi driver would get murdered during the approach or during the event. If the Taxi driver could get it up and enjoy the event.
That Polish "G" should've ridden the bus - bus drivers 'll shag anything.
I am glad that we order our finances so that I am not expected to pay the utility companies with personal favours. It could be exhausting.
Jeez, it seems that the crisis is affecting the underworld very badly.

Don't think men are only scared of female gorillas. They're scared of women too.

Nice pic, btw!
Wow... I didn't even know there WERE Polish gangsters!
Obviously he thinks a lot of his wife. The cheap bastard. Poor woman.

Awww, what a sweet picture. Um, which one are you?
Looking at that ape's picture, if I could crack my knuckles, I would!

And grinding my teeth is not an option as this enamel has to last me for another 50 years yet.

I shall have to find another physical trait to advertise my interest :)
Mark: What does the pimp do after catching the John naked? Wouldn't it be quicker just to mug the guy and have done with it?

Cheyelle: I suppose bus drivers get more offers because they wear uniforms and have more passengers. And maybe driving a bus makes them feel like bigger men.

Madame Defarge: If poverty ever drove you to such desperate measures, Madame D, I would offer you sanctuary in the Congo.

Leni: I don't know why anyone would find women scary. Their teeth and claws are very petite compared to what we're used to in the jungle.

Zaedah: Neither did I. Maybe his dad worked for the secret police under the communist regime and passed on a few tips.

Donut girl: You're assuming his wife objected, Ms Donut. Maybe she did, but who knows?

Joanna: Perhaps licking your lips would work best for you, Joanna. Wiggling your posterior would be another option.
But MrB! Would he understand those cues if he's used to teeth grinding and knuckle cracking? Posterior wiggling might make him think I was flipping him off in a derogatory fashion!
Good on you GB for not treating your women like a cow!

But i am curious though....if you were put in that situation and the 'mobster' wanted to watch, would you allow it?

re:Wouldn't it be quicker just to mug the guy and have done with it?

The guy can't call the police to complain of being robbed since he was about to pay a prostitute.
Hooker doesnt have to do the job and still gets paid.

Bad for regular paying clients for a hooker, but maybe they don't care too much about their clientele.
And all of this could be saved by being John Cleese last week and having thousands to spare for a taxi fare.

Female gorillas don't mess about, do they?
" I believe it’s how they confront their fears.”

A phrase I shall add to my lexicon of put-downs.

An enduring erotic image for me is Marta Argerich, cracking her knuckles before getting down to work on my arpeggios.

Just thought I'd share the wealth there.
I knew a fella who had a thing for Michelle Pfeifer...but the closest thing to Ms. Pfeifer he could get was a gorilla in a blond wig and a blue dress. He said it was almost like the real the dark, doggie style, with bags over both their heads.
Was this gangster the Queen...only person i know that travels with no cash...
I secretly wonder what it might be like to be used as a monetary source. or to be a gangster's mistress. or both.
Joanna: It would be an ungrateful man indeed who took offence at your wiggling bottom, Joanna.

Sabrina: I would never mate with a gangsters wife, Saby, but there's nothing to stop him watching me with my females. Everything's out in the open in the jungle.

Mark: Always bolt the door before you get naked with a prostitute seems to be the relevant injunction here.

Rachel: Female gorillas never mess about, Rach. Thanks for alerting me to the John Cleese road trip. I suppose he must have been in a hurry.

Mr Boyo: She was quite a looker in her day, wasn't she? If I were Hef I would have offered her six figures.

Static: Female gorillas are too proud to be used as sexual substitutes. Your friend must have had his way with a baboon in heat.

Nota Bene: What a scandalous suggestion! Unless, perchance, you are referring to the Queen of Swaziland.

Jeune fille: Hello and welcome, Mademoiselle! Secret curiosity is an admirable trait, but don't let it get out of hand. Try watching a few gangster movies to begin with.
Once when I was "appraising a man as a potential sex toy," I cracked my knuckles and ground my teeth, and the blighter got scared and ran for the hills! Hmph!
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