Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Pope forgives again

Pope Benny is behaving like a man who is desperate to change the subject. In his latest digression he declared himself a fan of The Beatles, lamenting the 40th anniversary of their break-up, and graciously forgiving them for their “drug-taking and blasphemy”. This has failed to impress Ringo, who noted that being forgiven by the Pope puts you in rather dodgy company. I personally won’t believe Benny is sincere until he reverses Yoko Ono’s excommunication for “witchcraft, satanic incantations and lewd exposure of the pudenda”. The Catholic Church will never be a moral voice for the acid-trippers and headbangers until it can distinguish the eccentric from the diabolical.

Meanwhile, the Pope’s ever loyal supporters have been walking on eggshells to avoid embarrassing him. Take the recent papal visit to Malta. The mayor of a small town wanted to tear down a
much-loved phallic symbol lest the High Pontiff should accidentally gaze at this monstrous affront to ecclesiastical dignity. Commonsense prevailed after the creator of the monument told the mayor he was a philistine and an ignoramus.

“Rome, where the Pope lives, is full of columns, but I don’t see anyone complaining and asking for them to be removed!” he thundered.

A very good point indeed. Benny must have seen a veritable forest of oversized dicks in his long career of holy service – why would one more offend him?

If the Pope is determined to pardon child-abusers, he should start with those outside the priesthood guilty of the most venial sins. I was dismayed to hear of yet another schoolmistress getting arrested for
seducing a teenage boy. The most dispiriting aspect of this case was the willingness of her 16-year-old pupil to testify against her in open court. Although the jury sensibly acquitted her of all wrongdoing, prosecutions like this send a terrible message to the young. A generation of schoolboys will have learned that kissing-and-telling and ingratitude are commendable forms of behaviour.

It seems to me that this schoolmistress is a good-natured and obliging young lady who made an unlucky choice. Call me a fanciful ape, but I feel that she and others like her belong in a religious order. They remind me of the pagan goddesses of antiquity who would bestow the ultimate favour on their most loyal devotees. What a happy position the Catholic Church would now be in if it had made these women priests instead of all those nasty paedophiles. Pope Benny, alas, is far too timid and reactionary to consider their ordination, but they could always offer their talents to another church. There are many progressive sects that encourage women to serve God in all positions.

Perhaps they should start by approaching the Mormons, who are rich enough to pay them well and weird enough to appreciate their unorthodox pastoral techniques. Before becoming priestesses, they would have to be trained to distinguish the deserving from the undeserving. Generosity is the finest of virtues, but it loses its heavenly aura if you toss it around indiscriminately.

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Another insightful look at the cultural mores of our time. I'm not sure that I would want a holy order of lady teachers. What would us girls do for our own devotions?
Jeez, if anyone deserves to be bent over backwards by a Priest I'm sure Ringo Starr would be high up the list, pompous twat.
That Teacher case was a bit off, should have been prosecuting the boys who invaded her house if you ask me.
Where were all these sexy hot teachers back when I was a testosterone-crazed horny 16 year old? Damn, what I would have given for the opportunity to receive such extracurricular private instruction back then... and a Scottish accent, no less [sigh].

It still would likely have gone badly for her though; do you think an adolescent having a memorable experience like that could NOT tell all his friends??
None of this makes the slightest bit of sense you know - I was wondering what you had to say about those election thingies....
I’m thinking the Pope should be offering more apologies rather than upping the forgiveness quota…
I'll call you a fanciful and very strange ape. Perhaps the Pope would do well to get the Jewish opinion on the Church's problems. Was that green tower circumcised, btw?
Madame Defarge: A religious order which didn't cater for you girls would be unthinkable, Madame D. I would put on you on the selection panel for new priests.

Rubbish: Those boys were a disgrace, they need lessons on how to appreciate hospitality. Their teacher deserved a thank-you note.

Robert: Good luck often goes to the undeserving, but I'm sure there are boys who would keep it to themselves to ensure the continuation of their personal tuition. Kissing-and-telling to your buddies is a sign of latent homosexuality.

Mutley: I rarely meddle in human politics, Mutley, you'll have to make up your own mind.

Beth: He'd have to conquer his own sense of victimisation first.

Robyn: It does look circumcised to me, Robyn, but I'm not an expert in such matters. Wouldn't you be a better judge?
In my opinion Benny looks just plain evil. And the fool seems to keep running his mouth with one stupid statement after another. God! What an embarassment!

The catholic church really needs to get of their high thrones. They are after all nothing more than a generation of incestous bastards, paedophiles and murderers....and i can say this cos i'm one of them....a catholic, not a murderer that is.....well not yet anyway :p
Your post takes me back to a pimply hormone struck school boy with a 'fresh out of university' and rather racy female history teacher...she chose not to bestow her favours on any of us...damnit! :-)
When I was 14 our school had the most beautiful physical education teacher - she looked like a young Liza Minnelli with bigger breasts and longer legs. All the girls had such a crush on her that the nuns sent her packing.... the rumour was that she'd slept with one of the novices and she'd been thrown out of the convent at the same time
My mate slept with one of our maths teachers, but he was 19 at the time and re-taking his A levels, so it didn't really count, especially as she wasn't that tasty, and maths wasn't one of his subjects. Didn't stop him bragging about it, though. Otherwise, our hottest teacher was a feminist who taught us when we were 15 all about equality and respect for women. Set me back bloody years.
Not so much, GB. Not an expert at all. xoRobyn
Have to agree with Robert there. I believe that for the schoolboy in question, there is little distinction between "testifying in open court" and "bragging".
A holy order of older women willing to teach young men how to please? I'm off for a wimple fitting right now.
Born and raised a catholic, but I'm not a fan of the pope or the Vatican. Shame on them for having shielded molesters for so long. Hate the sin, love the sinner – victims, apparently, need not apply.

Hasn't everyone had a hot teacher? Fun times.
Sabrina: They should make you a priest, Saby. Think of all the confessions you'd get to hear. I would make up sins so I could confess them to you.

Tempo: She obviously didn't trust any of you and she was probably wise not to.

Nursemyra: That's too bad, Nursie. Perhaps she should have slept with Mother Superior first.

Indie Pop: A feminist was she? I bet she still fantasized about being carried off by a Viking. You should have asked her what sort of men she fancied.

Robyn: Really? It ought to be covered in sex education classes for nice Jewish girls.

Kyknoord: Which is why that schoolboy was so undeserving of the favour done him.

Lady Daphne: There are no wimples in this holy order, milady. Flimsy gowns and garlands are the required costume.

Donut girl: I'm sorry they let you down, Ms Donut. I hope the next Pope is the hot teacher you admired.
To make it even more thrilling, some catholic guru called cardinal Bertone has recently declared that homosexuality and paedophilia are related but that there's no link between celibacy and being a paedophile.

How funny is this?

I was also born and raised a catholic, and for all the minutes of my life wasted in religion, i wish I had taken a Chinese course instead.

The next Pope? I don't think the world needs more of those!
The schoolboy's accusations were ridiculous – he should have been grateful for his 'hands-on' private tuition in biology.
"There are many progressive sects that encourage women to serve God in all positions."

Really? I was under the impression that all but one were frowned upon? I might make it to heaven after all...
The best thing about you apes is that you are too sensible to be religious. In my opinion, religion is responsible, in one way or another, for much of the evil in the world. The Catholic church ranks high in that category, from the Inquisition to the brutality of the Conquistadors to the ghastly abuse of children by priests, and many crimes in between. I wish I believed in hell, so I could have the satisfaction of imagining all those pedophilic priests (and the incredibly wicked higher-ups who just kept transferring them to new parishes instead of having them arrested) burning in that hell. And "Pope Benny" should join them.
Wasn't Howard Hughes obsessed with mormons? I heard he would only employ mormons.
Seems like a good strategy - one band at a time. when another pedophile scandal comes put in Catholic church, Pope might forgive The Rolling Stones. Or, should there be any serious drama (as in, more serious than the latest), maybe even Black Sabbath. Or Marilyn Manson?
Leni: They're really scraping the barrel, aren't they? A new Pope who allowed women and gorillas into the priesthood would have my support.

Cheyelle: He is truly a spoiled and ungrateful brat. I hope he never sleeps with a woman again.

Ms OWO: Tell me what your preferred position is and I'll tell you which sect will admit you.

Madame Z: I wouldn't say I'm completely irreligious, Madame Z, I do dabble in Gorilla-Buddhism from time to time. It's mostly yoga and deep breathing.

Mark S: Howard Hughes developed all kinds of weird fetishes before he died, so it's quite possible he was attracted to Mormonism. Wasn't he also a junkie?

Misery: Hello pretty girl, it's nice to see you here! What about Basshunter, don't they ever get a papal pardon?
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