Monday, April 05, 2010

Iran's Space Program

The arrival of an Iranian tour party is making the chimpanzees nervous. The Iranians have recently sent worms and turtles into space, and the chimps are worried that they will be next. They haven’t forgotten how NASA ruthlessly press-ganged members of their species into rocket-service back in the 1960s. At least those hapless simians had the good fortune to blast off in the mighty Saturn-5, which was the Biggus Dickus of space exploration. The Iranian Kavoshgar-3 is more of a Naughtius Maximus by comparison, and might end up dumping its payload in Salman Rushdie’s back garden.

Our Iranian visitors are actually US residents who have nothing to do with the regime. The manager of the safari camp removed the porn channels from their rooms out of respect for their supposed religious beliefs. In less time than it takes to unpack a suitcase, a delegation of them gathered outside his office to demand restoration of the standard en-suite entertainment package. I must say I’d feel the same in their place. Although I have little interest in human porn, denying me the right to watch it would be viewed as an inhospitable act. We don’t stop humans watching apes mate in the wild, so they should extend the same courtesy to us.

I don’t want the chimpanzees to have an irrational fear of Iranians, so I’m holding a jungle symposium called “Understanding the Cultural Diversity of our Human Cousins”. It should be well attended, given that chimps are very curious about humans and love to mimic their habits. President Obama’s
recent video message to the Iranian people shows he shares my philosophy. His speech was very good, although excessively tactful in avoiding any mention of beards. If most Americans believe that the Supreme Mullah in Tehran should be forcibly deprived of his whiskers, the Iranian people should hear it from the horse’s mouth. I hope the president uses his proposed “cultural exchanges” to send them the latest Gillette products. The Iranians are sure to take the hint.

As a gorilla, I am well qualified to be a mediator in human disputes of a tribal or sectarian nature. Back in my circus days, the 6th form of a local girls’ school was torn between two factions called The Virgins and The Tarts. Things had got very nasty when they asked me to intervene – hair was being pulled, cosmetics were being vandalized and tampons were being dipped in ink. So I went to the school and gave the girls a speech.

“Virgins! Tarts!” I exclaimed. “You are both essential to a healthy ecosystem, for Nature thrives on biodiversity! Without tarts, what appreciation would exist for a virgin’s maidenly blush? Without virgins, what gratitude would exist for a tart’s wanton lubricity? And yet, you are not so different! In every virgin is a quiescent tart who longs to abandon herself to the pleasures of carnal indulgence. In every tart is the memory of a fresh-faced virgin who shyly contemplated her own ripening womanhood. When your aberrant antagonism has abated, you will appreciate these truths and join hands in sisterhood.”

They looked at me in a puzzled sort of way, which seemed to take some heat from their feud. I won’t pretend one speech solved everything. I did a fair amount of work with the girls in the following weeks, both jointly and individually. But we got there in the end.

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Mr Bananas, your speech to the Virgins and Tarts was brilliant, just as your diplomatic skills are.

You could even convince the Iranians to shave and the chimps to participate in the Kavoshgar-3 expedition.

If you do, I'm sure the Iranians will pay for a free subscription to the Playboy channel on the safari camp TV, just as a sign of gratefulness.
Ah you see the Iranians have a half-assed rocket program because they have a half-assed president in Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He doesn't grow a full beard like a mullah and he doesn't completely shave like a bona fide secular world leader... instead he wears this half-assed three-day scruffy look. He's wanting to play both factions against the middle!

Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think there are any "tarts" in Iran (at least, not living) - any and all unmarried women there would certainly be virgins.
Is one of those a virgin, and the other a tart? Because I'm for some reason imagining them both to be tarts, and yet at the same time, both to be virgins...
Don't forget the ever-popular hybrid: the VirTart. This one is pure in body but not of mind. Much like our Iranian friends.
With your opposable thumb on the pulse of the world (and outer space) and your mediator skills, the rest of us can rest easy. I know I do. ;)
Were there any virgins left at the end of those few weeks GB? I sincerely hope so.
Is the invitation extended to us?
I´m sure most of the Iranians men grow beards to distinguish themselves from women and boys.

Sigh, hairpulling. Women pull this move out of their arsenal like it was breathing.
Leni: Thank you, Leni, your faith in my abilities inspires me. I'm wary of negotiating with the Iranians, though, they're harder to read than chimps.

Robert: Ahmadinejad trims his beard because he's sensitive to mockery. Politically, he's in the full-bearded camp. I have a feeling that there are tarts in Iran, but they have to work undercover. Possibly under-burkha.

Svejk: They are definitely in the same group, and looking with disapproval at girls in the other group. My guess is that they're tarts, although one shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

Zaedah: I wouldn't count on them being pure in body, Zaedah. There are many ways of defiling oneself, and the Iranians are adept at inventing new ones.

Beth: I'm really glad you're resting easy, Beth. It makes my job worthwhile.

Nursemyra: I hope so as well, Nursie, but one can never be certain about such things. Good manners stopped me from asking.

Sabrina: Do you need my mediation, Saby? You can have it whenever you need it.

Donut girl: Yes, it's a good thing Iranian women don't have beards or we'd all be very confused. Perhaps they would pull each others' beards during cat fights.
i've had space on the mind too! either we really ARE psychically linked...or we both have radios.

i don't really have anything against beards. useful for keeping warm in the winter...and helpful for scouring particularly troublesome pots.
Space programs, virgins, tarts, beards, Obama, Iran - How do you do it in so few words, GB?
I'd vote for you (not sure for what), silly ape.
I'm sorry, you BOTH got it in the end... the virgin got it in the end... the tart gave it to you in the end... I'm so confused;)
You are one naughty gorilla... I think I'm getting a little hot n bothered over here!
Good diplomacy skills! Perhaps you can work on the Middle East Peace Process next? I hear Binyamin Netanyahu loves gorillas.
…Or is it guerrillas?
You cannot possibly leave it at that, Mr. Bananas! Anyone with even a passing interest in virgins, tarts or anthropological apes would love to know what went on in those sessions you had with the girls. Especially the joint ones. Won't you tell us?
Kara: We're not talking about stylish little goatees here, Missy, the Iranian mullahs have badgers on their chins. I don't believe you'd put up with a badger.

Robyn: Thank you, Robyn, I'll appoint you as my campaign manager when I run for mayor.

Auri: I went where they took me, Auri. The therapist goes where his patients take him and tries to enjoy the ride.

Cheyelle: Netanyahu's nickname is 'Bibi', which means 'lady' in Iran. The Iranians might fear that diplomacy was a trick to make them shake hands with a woman. Are you sure he likes gorillas, Cheyelle?

Rimi: It was intensive therapy, Rimi. Girls that age often suffer from a lack of self-esteem, so I expressed my admiration for them a variety of ways. They were all smiles at the end.
Could you get your harem to go and sit on Mr Ahmed Dinnerjacket? Stupid man.
I'm off to find me a virgin & a tart & join hands in sisterhood. :0)
Lady Daphne: I don't think he's their type, milady. The baboons might enjoy playing with him.

AlleyCat: That's the spirit, Ms Alleycat! I'm sure you have friends in both communities.
those girls are hot!
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