Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Lady Gaga - the inside story

A tourist at the safari guesthouse asks me to speculate on whether a bugging device would fit inside Lady Gaga’s vagina. Although not familiar with the diva’s internal dimensions, I assure him that current eavesdropping technology would be up to the task. The latest miniaturised gadgets could comfortably nestle inside the tightest of birth canals. I nevertheless feel bound to ask what noble purpose would be served by placing the said gadget in Lady Gaga’s reproductive tract.

“I’ve heard a rumour that one of her lovers likes to talk to her twat before giving her oral sex,” explains the guest. “I’d love to know what he says to it.”

“Why on earth would anyone do that?” I ask. “It’s not as if you could get a decent conversation going.”

“Dunno,” replies the guest. “It might be like a gardener talking to his plants before watering them. It’s supposed to make them more receptive to the moisture.”

“In that so?” I remark. “In that case, one would suppose he woos the coochie with honeyed words. A haughty or boastful tone is unlikely to put it in a good mood. All of which will remain within the realm of conjecture, as there is no feasible method of implanting the listening device without Lady Gaga noticing.”

“How about embedding it inside a tampon?” asks the visitor.

“A clever idea, but I doubt any creature whose reflection is visible in a mirror would be interested in feasting on Lady Gaga’s vulva when its condition necessitated the use of a tampon.”

“Maybe her gynaecologist could be bribed,” he persists.

“I don’t know who the man is, but ones presumes he is eminent is his field. It would have to be an enormous bribe to induce him to risk his reputation by sneaking a gizmo into the holy of holies. I fear you will make no progress on this project until a method of debriefing pubic lice is discovered. My advice would be to wait until her lover spills the beans. They always do in the end.”

I am inspired by this conversation to do some research on Lady Gaga’s social activities. It seems that she mates promiscuously with humans of either gender. In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, she spoke about her boyfriends’ attitude to her bisexuality:

"The fact that I’m into women, they’re all intimidated by it. It makes them uncomfortable. They’re like, “I don’t need to have a threesome. I’m happy with just you.”

I find this very puzzling. Surely most men would consider it a privilege and an education to participate in such lavish adventures. My friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet, said that when such opportunities arose he always brought a pen and paper to take notes. “There is nothing a woman can do to a woman that a man can’t do to a woman,” he wisely remarked.

So, in spite of her prodigious fame and fortune, it appears that Lady Gaga’s experience of men is rather limited. All her male lovers seem to be insecure wimps who
resent her Sapphic activities and talk when they should be acting. I hope she soon meets a real man like the great Tom Jones: he would show her how men pleasured women in the days before oral sex was invented.

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Hell, I'd "give it to Ga Ga" no matter what goofy shit she's wearing !
Ok, this post cracked me up. It gives a different spin to 'The Vagina Monologues´. Are you calling Tom Jones a moisturizer?
Other than reading a mention or two of Lady GaGa on blogs and here and there on the Yahoo! start page, I swear to you I have no idea who she is, and I'm almost embarrassed to say I really don't care. That makes me feel pretty old
I've heard a rumour that there's no vagina there at all. Smooth as a baby's behind.
Is there actually a date when oral sex was invented?? ;)
I'm more interested in what people manage to say to her face (whenever it is detected behind the plumage) than what passes for conversation with her... thing'um.
I'm in the same league as Rebecca... no fucking clue who Lady GaGa is and could not care less. The lifetime of celebrity status these days is about 4 months.
I think i'd rather a man whisper sweet nothings to my cha cha than attempt to do anything else cos most men just don't seem to know what exactly to do when they're down there!
I prefer your use of the term coochie to your companion's version of twat.

He sounds a right twit
Heff: Well you'd better go easy on her if you don't want the bug to injure your todger.

Donut girl: Tom Jones is indeed a moisturizer, Ms Donut. In his heydey, he got moist knickers thrown at him when he was on stage.

Rebecca: I never knew myself 6 months ago, but her name has been mentioned so often that I felt compelled to find out about her.

Rachel: I believe that's one of the lampoons against her, Rach. Have you heard of the phrase "front bottom"? I think it was invented by American moms.

Beth: It was discovered by different nations at different times, Beth. I believe the Welsh discovered it during WW1.

Zaedah: I hope people speak to her politely. I can't abide bad language in front of ladies.

Robert: You as well? That's interesting. I would have thought your daughters might have mentioned her in passing.

Sabrina: Get them to practice on an ice lolly, Saby. Watch them doing it and correct their mistakes. "More tongue, less slurping" is common advice.

Nursmyra: There are so many names for it, Nursie. I seem to discover a new one every week.
Word on the street is, Gaga’s clunge is so sensitive it can read Braille. Hence the suspicious lump in the groin area of her skimpy stage costumes. – She’s actually reading the Financial Times whilst performing. My kinda gal – smart, attuned, flamboyant and an equal opportunities lover…
i take issue with lady gaga and her stardom for the following reasons:

1. she took her name from the worse queen song in history (and i also hate queen)

2. she rides on the coattails of david bowie and doesn't even have the decency to make comparable music.

3. she's 24. what the fuck does she know about anything.

so quite frankly, i don't care that she's bisexual and i don't care that her boyfriends are supposedly intimidated by it.

and no, the above tirade isn't just because poker face gets stuck in my head for DAYS AT A TIME.
Was Tom Jones so so good? WOW.

I'd love to know who (and when) invented oral sex. The world owes him/her a lot.

But about wooeing a coochie, frankly, rephrasing Elvis, I'd prefer "a little less conversation, a little more action" during these moments.

About Lady Gaga, I can't help chuckling. To start with "Gaga" means "stupid" in Sandwichian, so you can imagine what my first impression of the lady was...

I second Kara. I couldn't care less about her sexual choice, and i also think she knows nothing about it. Sex, that is. :))
Does she have "prodigious fame"? I've never heard of her. Is there a Lord Gaga?
If someone tried to hold a conversation with my vagina, I would definitely record it.

Most men don't mind taking direction, I think, so I'd simply have to say, "While you're down there, could you recite a poem? Maybe something like...Jabberwocky? Or just talk about the current economic situation as it relates to my bizness."

I think I would ask a vagina whether or not it fancied eating out*

*copyright The Duke (of 'Falling out of Time')
I like a bit of vaginal joshing while I'm down there: "If I don't get my tongue out soon, it'll be curtains for you and me." "You know darling, you're more than just my clit on the side." That kind of thing - good for clearing the air of any initial awkwardness.
A fair go at gettin' down wiv da kidz, GB, if TOTP comes back you may get a job presenting it.
Cheyelle: Admirable that a woman of her tender age takes such an interest in financial matters, although the Wall Street Journal probably has more data relevant to her own assets. I wonder if she can read tongues as well?

Kara: I've just listened to Poker Face and it sounds like a song written by a computer for R2D2's girlfriend. If that's the sort of thing that gets in your head your brain needs retuning.

Leni: Oral sex was invented by an octopus shortly after the last Ice Age, Leni. The lucky woman came 55 times before dying and was spotted by fishermen in the last throes of ecstasy. Yes, Lady Gaga has much to learn.

Gadjo: She's the talk of the global village, Gadjo. You must have a knack for avoiding commonplace gossip on the airwaves.

Ms OWO: On balance, I'd guess the recession has been good for coochies. People turn to low cost forms of recreation when money is scarce. Hope yours is enjoying life, Aly!

Mosha: What would you do if it preferred a take-away?

Indie-Pop: You're lucky to know vaginas that appreciate puns and have a sense of humour. Some of them are pretty uptight.

Lady Daphne: I'd be better than Tony Blackburn, but struggle to reach the heights of Jimmy Savile. Don't tell me you haven't heard of Lady Gaga either?
I think Twm has just spotted Joan Collins in that photo. He would, with respect, merely use Gaga as a ball-rest while taking Beyonce to Cwm Rhondda and back.
Do you think Lady Gaga really has lice - pubic or public? I do hope not...
lol. that's funny.
Well the sounds coming from any bedroom that housed the coupling of Tom and Gaga would certainly be interesting!

I feel quite sad for her that her recent suitors are so insecure. Ruf would love me to get it on with another lady...
Oh that Feisty Tom Jones!! Lady Gaga... tell me you saw her performance with Sir Elton John!? Delicious AND nutritious.
Just like you my love!
I am as amused by these comments as I am by your post, GB. All I have to add about the "lady" (to use the term loosely) is that she's a freak.
BTW, I counted all your suggestions for the 10 greatest fools. Thanks for voting frequently and often.
Mr Boyo: I thought Cwm Rhondda was a rugby song? Are you telling me it's also a place with a scenic view?

Mutley: It happens to the best of bushes, Mutley. One mustn't be judgmental about such ailments.

25BAR: As is life, my friend.

Joanna: I hope you fulfill his fantasy, Joanna. Ol' Ruf deserves nothing but the best.

Auri: I'll remember to look out for that duet, Auri, and I'm flattered that you find me appetizing. It must the seasoning.

Robyn: I never knew she was a freak, Robyn. I hope you didn't find the picture of her too scary. Glad to have entertained you, of course.
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