Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Holly Folly
Should we allow scenes of a pornographic film to be filmed at the safari camp? The manager is agonising over the decision. The publicity will be good, but he’s worried about attracting tourists who masturbate to dirty movies. I told him wankers have as much right to go on safari as anyone else. Everything should be fine provided they refrain from lewd acts in the jungle, which might provoke the chimpanzees to run amok. The faces of self-abusing humans appear terribly hostile to other primates. That’s why guests who stay with my band are given hoods to wear should they feel like touching themselves at an inopportune moment.
The female lead in the film is to be played by a blond bombshell called Holly Sampson, who claims to have had sex with Tiger Woods on his 24th birthday. The concept of the movie is to re-enact that glorious event as the culmination of Ms Sampson’s career as a professional hoochie.
According to Holly, Tiger had talent in the bedroom. I don’t doubt it. By that stage in his career he must have mastered all kinds of trick shots with his 9-iron. But could we be sure that the action depicted in the movie was what she and Tiger actually did? It would be very easy for Holly to recall what some meaty-loined stud called Leroy Longpole did to her and pretend it was part of Tiger’s repertoire. Tiger certainly won’t confirm or deny anything after apologising to mummy in front of the TV cameras.
The scenes they want to film at the safari camp are flashbacks of Holly’s sexual awakening, which supposedly occurs after her marriage to a tribal chief. He buys Holly from her wicked uncle for a 4-carat diamond, the market price of an eager virgin of the white race. Holly is so insatiable that the chief is soon ailing like a worn-out old bull. To avoid the humiliation of being cuckolded by his kinsmen, he pays Holly’s airfare back to Los Angeles, where she starts a new career as an erotic dancer and peep show performer. She is spotted at an orgy by one of Tiger’s pimps and hired to entertain him at his birthday party.
The race is on to find the actor who’ll play Tiger. I hope they give the part to Jackrabbit Lemon, son of Meadowlark of Harlem Globetrotters’ fame. Jackrabbit has Tiger’s lean build and boyish features. His other qualifications for the role are his fondness for blond strumpets and his ability to look contrite when caught with his hand in the cookie jar. His golf handicap is in single figures, but that won’t be very useful for the games he’ll play in the movie.
If the manager agrees to the shoot, I’ll probably be given the job of chaperoning Holly. You may think a porn actress should be capable of taking care of herself, but the sultry aromas of the African bush can turn civilised men into rampaging satyrs. The film crew might easily lose their self-control when they see a naked woman cavorting before their eyes. I should imagine I’ll be able to restrain them without breaking their bones or putting venomous insects down their trousers.
Labels: Holly Sampson, rampaging satyrs, talent in the bedroom, Tiger Woods
Comments:
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Why can't I get the image, of the leading man having to be hoisted up in the air – pre-shoot – to be "fluffed" by a tower of giraffes, out of my head?!?
# posted by 
: Wednesday, March 03, 2010
: Wednesday, March 03, 2010
I'm always surprised that more professional golfers haven't engaged in the sort of relaxation supposedly favoured by Mr Tiger: after all, it must be so frustrating trying to get that tiny ball in a tiny hole using only a stick.
With all the undertones of Me Jane You Tarzan (especially if the Tarzan looks like Christopher Lambert rubbed with musky oils), I think the chosen location for this film is perfect.
But you are right, the role of Tiger is problematic. I'd suggest the Kellogg's Tiger. Sure hit with horny housewives! Could do wonders to the US economy...
But you are right, the role of Tiger is problematic. I'd suggest the Kellogg's Tiger. Sure hit with horny housewives! Could do wonders to the US economy...
I don't doubt Tiger must be talented in the bedroom, so Jackrabbit should be talented in the screen as well.
And you'll become an actor too! Maybe a star is born!
And you'll become an actor too! Maybe a star is born!
Can't wait NOT to see this wonderful movie. Who cares what Tiger did in the bedroom? He's so boring. I want to hear more about that tribal chief. Now that story would make an interesting movie.
Beth: That's a very kind offer, Beth. Do you want to protect me from Holly?
Blasé: I believe she follows the method approach.
Cheyelle: Because you're a creative problem solver? Giraffes have got the lips for it, but you'd need quite a few fig leaves to get them to nibble in the right area.
Gadjo: Are you attempting to belittle golfers' balls? What they lack in size, they make up for in hardness.
Ms OWO: Thank you, Aly. Your confidence in my abilities gives me the courage to take on such challenges.
Ms RA: The Frosties Tiger? He's got the name for it, but he seems more interested in food than sex. And his golf swing may not be up to scratch.
Leni: Jackrabbit is a chip off the old block, Leni, he'll do anything to get a camera pointing in his direction. I was once offered a part in a porn film, but turned it down when they asked to shave my rump.
Donut girl: The tribal chief was like a male spider sucked dry by a predatory female, Ms Donut. You are right that Tiger is a bore, but maybe he keeps his mouth shut when he's in bed with a woman.
Blasé: I believe she follows the method approach.
Cheyelle: Because you're a creative problem solver? Giraffes have got the lips for it, but you'd need quite a few fig leaves to get them to nibble in the right area.
Gadjo: Are you attempting to belittle golfers' balls? What they lack in size, they make up for in hardness.
Ms OWO: Thank you, Aly. Your confidence in my abilities gives me the courage to take on such challenges.
Ms RA: The Frosties Tiger? He's got the name for it, but he seems more interested in food than sex. And his golf swing may not be up to scratch.
Leni: Jackrabbit is a chip off the old block, Leni, he'll do anything to get a camera pointing in his direction. I was once offered a part in a porn film, but turned it down when they asked to shave my rump.
Donut girl: The tribal chief was like a male spider sucked dry by a predatory female, Ms Donut. You are right that Tiger is a bore, but maybe he keeps his mouth shut when he's in bed with a woman.
she totally has a chin implant. those exist. shocking.
anyway, tiger's not to blame for anything. don't you know that visors make you do things?
anyway, tiger's not to blame for anything. don't you know that visors make you do things?
Bananas, our tomcat has balls that are both large and hard, but he's still rubbish at golf.
Nursey, Leroy Longpole would hang out anywhere!
Nursey, Leroy Longpole would hang out anywhere!
Yes Bananas i agree....you should be in the movie...i bet you'd be able to pleasure Holly in a way she's never been pleasured before!
And i'd certainly pay good money to watch that!
And i'd certainly pay good money to watch that!
Kara: Maybe, but she could give a great back massage with that chin. Don't talk until you've tried it.
Nursemya: I think he's the butler at Madame La Coochie's Palace, Las Vegas.
Gadjo: I assume he has other talents. Maybe you could use him as a garlic press.
Sabrina: Thank you, Saby, I hope I would appeal to her sunny side.
Emmak: I've never been known to shirk a challenge, Emma. Predatory men may be weaker than crocodiles, but they are more wily.
Palbo: Hola, amigo! Have we met before?
RA: I shall go and accept it forthwith!
Nursemya: I think he's the butler at Madame La Coochie's Palace, Las Vegas.
Gadjo: I assume he has other talents. Maybe you could use him as a garlic press.
Sabrina: Thank you, Saby, I hope I would appeal to her sunny side.
Emmak: I've never been known to shirk a challenge, Emma. Predatory men may be weaker than crocodiles, but they are more wily.
Palbo: Hola, amigo! Have we met before?
RA: I shall go and accept it forthwith!
I cant help thinking that those boobs are wasted if Tiger's arms aren't long enough to go round her and them, no matter how hard he tries.
I don't actually know who this woman is. However, I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.
I don't actually know who this woman is. However, I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.
I can come and make sandwiches if you feel peckish. It's about all I could do in the face of such heightened eroticism and lust.
I think he's too old, but Mario Van Peebles would have made a perfect Tiger. He has the acting chops combined with the natural subdued and unexpected sexuality of a golfer.
Joanna: We don't actually know what Tiger did to her boobs, Joanna. Such details will be revealed in the movie.
Madame: You would add a much needed touch of class to the set, Madame D. I'm sure we would relish your cucumber sandwiches.
Chris V: I remember him in a western. Do you think he can hold a golf club as well as a six shooter?
Madame: You would add a much needed touch of class to the set, Madame D. I'm sure we would relish your cucumber sandwiches.
Chris V: I remember him in a western. Do you think he can hold a golf club as well as a six shooter?
Thanks for visiting me over at Pen And Paper, I'm so glad that my joke didn't offend in any way.
A unique blog, hand on heart I can honestly say I've never read anything quite like it - I've really enjoyed visiting you.
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A unique blog, hand on heart I can honestly say I've never read anything quite like it - I've really enjoyed visiting you.
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