Friday, March 26, 2010

The French woman's lieutenant

Rumours that the first lady of France is having an affair prompts one of our guests to call her “The French Open”. That’s an exaggeration in my view, as only the best players get to whack their balls on Ms Bruni’s hallowed turf. Her current amour is one of France’s leading musicians, which makes him a major celebrity for fans of maudlin songs packed with very long vowels. Calling her “The French Masters” might be more accurate, although I doubt even the greatest of the great would have mastered the hazards and heavy rough on her challenging course.

President Sarkozy, meanwhile, has found solace in the arms of his ecology minister, who happens to be a black belt in karate. That’s good news for Sarko, but a major headache for his bodyguard team. Suppose she feels spurned when the affair runs its course? Just one chop on the neck would leave France without a head of state. If I were in charge of the president’s security, I would insist on one of my men being in attendance during the whoopee-faire. If things got too hot on the king size bed, he could save the day by jumping in between them.

The spectre of marital infidelity haunts humans of all genders, races and persuasions. In a quest for a faithful spouse, a Japanese man has
married a cushion. She was no ordinary beanbag, it must be said, having been moulded into the shape of a sexy cartoon character. I suppose other men might be tempted to sit on her if they found her alone, but at least she would never do anything to provoke their cruel lust. Her heart would always belong to the doting husband who washed her casing and re-stuffed her when the need arose.

It must be a great comfort to have a spouse you can sit on whenever you want. When I asked the manager of the safari camp whether he sat on his wife, a wistful expression appeared on his face.

“I used to sit on her all the time when we were newlyweds,” he said. “Now she only lets me do it as a special treat, when I’ve bought her something expensive. And after ten minutes she says I’m making her numb and shoves me off.”

“Is she as soft as a cushion?” I asked.

“Oh yes,” he replied. “Women are very soft if you sit on them in the right place.”

Call me an innocent ape, but I never realised that human females made such comfortable bottom rests. I’ve never inflicted my own weight on them, of course – I’m not the sort of ape who enjoys making women suffer and groan. Female gorillas, by contrast, would rather sit than be sat on. There’s not much you can do when a group of them gang up on you, so I usually pretend to enjoy it. Be that as it may, there must be a lightweight midget who could safely test women for comfort in a variety of different positions. In a world where ladies can be harshly judged for not having the perfect figure, it would surely be a great consolation to be rated as a first class pouf.

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Attention !!!!! "MAM" (Michèle Alliot-Marie la première femme à occuper le poste de ministre de la Défense) maintenant, ministre de l'Intérieur et des Collectivités territoriales ! Surveille ! Et elle est prête à tout , " Suppression du juge d’instruction " et veut renforcer la castration chimique !

Alors j'évite de dire des bêtises !!! Pour le gazon sanctifié de Mme Bruni's ,si il en reste encore ! Il n'est pas souvent arrosé ! Car le petit bonhomme sautille beaucoup moins haut ! Malgré que la barre des sondages est été rabaissée !

Pour la ministre de l'écologie son karaté n'est que gestuel un peu comme la mante religieuse ! " Non je ne laisserai pas faire Non, je ne reculerai pas. Non je ne cèderai pas à la petite musique ( Peut-être une référence à Benjamin Biolay ) qui vient dire que l'écologie ( encore une référence au "gazon maudit" ), ça commence à bien faire" Dit-elle !!?

Attention!!!!! "MAM" (Michèle Alliot-Marie the first woman to occupy the post of Defence Minister) now, Interior minister and Regions with a measure of autonomy! Watch! And she is ready for everything, "Abolition of the judge of education" and wants to reinforce the chemical gelding!

Then I avoid saying stupidity!!! For the turf sanctified by Mrs Bruni s, if he stays there still! He is not often watered! Because the small fellow hops much less high! Even though the bar of opinion polls is summer belittled!

For the minister of ecology its karate is only gestural to little as the mantis! "Not I be not let make Not, I will not move back. Not I cèderai in no small music (Perhaps a reference to Benjamin Biolay) which comes to say that ecology (another reference to the "accursed turf"), this well begins making" She Says!!?
Seeing that photograph, I wonder if Ms. Bruni has ever borne a child.
Over here the good old Bible-thumping USA the concept of any political official having an affair AND retaining office longer than a week after such infidelity became public is unconscionable. Our citizens, steeped in Hypocrisy point to men like Sarkozy and Italy's Berlusconi indignantly proclaiming: "See, THAT is what comes from living under Socialism!"

Then the same pious citizens purchase endless magazines and watch countless hours of tabloid journalism about celebrities and their sordid affairs.

All in all, I confess that I am siding entirely with Crabbers on this issue.
I thought all powerful French men had mistresses, why shouldn't Carla have her bit on the side too?

That pillow bride looks alarmingly like a big white penis to me
I presume the Japanese gentleman is planning a Paris honeymoon, and is merely protecting himself and his wife from the generally held perception that the French will shag anything that moves.
Les liens entre le pouvoir et le sexe sont ténus et profonds ! Le pouvoir du subconscient , ce n'est pas le sexe qui mène au pouvoir mais bien le contraire ! A l'heure du Pacs et du Viagra, la tendresse ne suffit plus à unir les êtres , encore faut-il pouvoir ! Donc le pouvoir du sexe !

Cher Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop , Henry VIII n'était pas Français ! Et la taille moyenne des préservatifs Français , n'est que de 12 cm si j'ose le dire ! Pas de quoi pavoiser , nous sommes modestes !

Links between power and sex are fine and deep! The power of subconscious, it is not the sex which leads to power but opposite! At a time of Pacs and of Viagra, tenderness is not any more enough to join the beings, still it is necessary to be able! Therefore the power of sex!

Dear Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop, Henry VIII was not Frenchman! And the medium size of condoms Frenchman, is only 12 cm if I dare to say it! Not of what to be jubilant, we are modest!

Don't tell me that another one bites the dust. It looks like everyone is jumping on the cheating bandwagon nowadays.

I wonder if they have a Daniel Craig hugging pillow. Um, yeah.. just saw 'The mother'.
Aw Bananas. I'd be willing to call you my little first class pouf ANYDAY! :)

I have an old seventies leather pouf that belonged to my grandma. Yes, my grandma loved poufs. I love that thing. There's nothing better for relaxing your feet than a fancy pouf.
I can't help but think that marrying a pillow would leave a little to be desired in the relationship. Where do you If you make a hole, won't her stuffing fall out?

Nothing beats flesh. Not even inflatables.

Brooke x
Crabbers: I scratch my navel in awe, my dear Crabbers, at your lyrical prose and philosophical insights. I am sure you would be a Rasputin to Ms Bruni if she had the good sense to employ you.

PALGOLAK: One might doubt it, but Victoria Spice has produced a brood and is even more slender. They don't have to pop out through the birth canal these days.

Robert: Maybe so, but didn't Bill Clinton get away with breaking the rules? People said he was finished after the news of his affair with Ms Flowers broke.

Nursemyra: It's certainly big and upright, Nursie, but isn't it rather too soft?

Indie Pop: Well he seems to prefer shagging something that doesn't move.

Ms Donut: Did you like it, Ms Donut? It made a nice change to see Danny in bed with someone he didn't have to seduce with clever chit chat.

Vegetable Assassin: You are most welcome, Ms VA, I assume you're much lighter than a female gorilla. But I wouldn't be your foot rest, you'd have to plant your tush.

Brooke: Nothing beats the flesh for sinning, Miss Brooke, but wouldn't the cushion be more comfortable for sleeping on?
I totally get the guy marrying his pillow. I have a pillow I've been sleeping with since I was somewhere near eight...........My husband is good for the husband things, but my pillow is always by my side.
I'm more of a sofa and not a pillow. More room to expand. I could fit several gentlemen callers upon my wide expanses.
A cushion, eh? I hope there's a well placed hole in there somewhere.
I've always been referred to as soft and comfortable, yet easy to clean. Plus, when I fold out I can sleep four.
Grigori Efimovitch Raspoutine !!!!!!! je me demande si c'est un compliment ?? son nom signifiant soit "débauché" soit "croisée des chemins" ou "carrefour" !?

Et je n'ai pas trop envie de finir en "concombre de mer"

Grigori Efimovitch Raspoutine!!!!!!! I wonder if it is a compliment?? his significant name is "laid off " or "crossroads" !?

And I too much do not feel like finishing in "sea cucumber" "is the 12 inch !!"
GB, what do you male apes in the Congo do to, you know, control those wild urges?
In Sarko's shoes I'd insist on Carla having affairs, the alternative is the most powerful man in France being seen to have a wife too ugly to pull.
Bill Clinton has never held any elected office since his sexual indiscretions nor can he EVER hope to. Infidelity is the third-rail of politics.
Poor Sarko. Sex and power go together most times. Dress him in a boiler suit and all the charm will be gone, while Carla will still be glamourous and distinguished.

And now fore something different... as far as I know, I'm not a female gorilla, but I would rather sit than be sat on.
Rebecca: That kind of bond will last a lifetime, Rebecca. Feathers are thicker than water.

Madame Defarge: You are exactly what a gentleman needs after a hard day in the saddle, Madame D.

Ms OWO: A hole is only required when it needs a good stuffing, Aly.

Murr Brewster: Hello and welcome, Mrs Brewster. You sound like a beautifully upholstered piece.

Crabbers: I am sure you have only his finer qualities. There is no need to bring sea cucumbers into the argument.

Robyn: Mating with females is the preferred method, Robyn, although sometimes only a potion from the witch doctor will help.

Inkspot: Would you insist on watching them as well? There are some scandals from which no politician can recover.

Robert: Well, there's no where to go after you've been president, is there? I suspect his popularity improved during the impeachment scandal.

Leni: And I would rather be sat on by you than by a female gorilla, Leni. For one thing, you must be considerably lighter.
Mr Bananas! You must weigh at least 30b stone - I do not think you should sit on anyone...
I like to see the french open. I enjoy thoroughly.
Are those cushions also available in the male gender?
Just curious... ;)
The French leadership laid low by Twitter; hmm, if only the Duke of Wellington had thought of that instead of going to all tat bother at Waterloo.
Go on in that vein much longer and you'll trigger a world metaphor shortage.
At least I know you would never marry a cushion my lovely Gorilla=) You might mount one in times of desperation but I can't see you making an honest woman out of it afterward.
By the way... I've been frequenting the male gorilla at our local zoo... He's quite handsome... however last time I said hello he just stood there staring at the wall and showing me his handsome behind. Whatever does it mean?! (And don't worry GB... he could never take your place)
"And I would rather be sat on by you than by a female gorilla, Leni. For one thing, you must be considerably lighter."

My dear GB... yes, I'm considerably lighter than a female gorilla, but I take it as a real compliment ((don't give me many ideas like those... you know how naughty I can be...)) ;))
Oh, GB, you know the French. Nothing surprises. They'll shag anything that moves and eat anything that doesn't run away too fast. And as for the Japanese man and his lawfully wedded pouf - those Japanese. Nothing surprises. They'll shag anything underage and eat anything endangered.

You're in good writing form GB! So nice to read.
Mutley: Fair point, Mutley, although I think an elephant could take my bulk.

25 Bar: Yes, I've heard it's a highly stimulating event.

Beth: I'm sure you could order male cushions to your exact specification, Beth. I would advise against having detachable parts.

Gadjo: Wellington never gossiped about such things. Dukes in glass houses don't throw stones.

Circus Monkey: I have an inexhaustible supply of them which I throw to the masses like largess.

Auri: He probably wants you to give his behind a good firm pat, Auri. You must have the hands for it, being a midwife.

Leni: Your dainty form would be a pleasure to bear, Leni. I might even give you a ride.

NOIP: Hello there, Your Enlightened-ness! They are slaves to their passions, aren't they? Perhaps you and I should start a school for such lost souls. I would happily serve under you.
Haha!! I will definitely take you suggestion GB=) Lord knows I'm good with the smacking of behinds! And I'm a nurse my love (which over here is different from a midwife)
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