Friday, March 12, 2010

The eye of the tummy

Another evening tending bar at the safari guesthouse, and I hear some men discussing their favourite scenes in a James Bond movie. One mentions the ominous advance of a deadly laser beam towards Sean Connery’s flinching testicles. Another recalls the chest-crunching squeeze inflicted on Pearce Brosnan by the vice-like thighs of Miss Xenia Onatopp. Before I can reflect on the peculiarly masochistic character of these choices, I am asked for my own treasured highlight of the Bond canon. I answer without hesitation:

“It is the moment in The Spy Who Loved Me when Roger Moore sucks a ruby from the navel of an Egyptian belly dancer.”

“I remember that!” exclaims one of the guests. “He was lucky he didn’t swallow it!”

“007 never swallows,” I reply solemnly. “His suction power is always finely tuned to the requirements of the mission.”

“Ho-ho-ho,” they chuckle, giving me a knowing look.

I wonder what it’s like for a woman to have a jewel sucked from her navel. Probably quite shocking the first time, but then more enjoyable as she acquires a taste for it. The technique of the sucker is obviously very important. I should imagine the crucial point is to extract the stone quickly in one powerful suck, rather than gobbling at it half-heartedly like an ailing goldfish. You could practice by sucking an egg out of a chicken.

I’ve had a soft spot for belly dancers ever since Princess Banu, the Turkish maestro, visited the circus I worked in. After watching us rehearse, she returned the favour by giving us a free demonstration of her art, performed to the tune of a popular Levantine love ballad. I was utterly enthralled by the spectacle, my eyes following her belly button as it tossed and rolled amid the smooth undulating flesh of her abdomen.

After hooting exuberantly when she took her bow, I raced to give her my compliments in person.

“Marvellous, Princess!” I effused. “Your fabulous exhibition of tummy twisting has elevated me to a state of transcendental rapture!”

“Thank you so much, GB,” she said. “As I have pleased you, perhaps you could do a little favour for me.”

“Name it, Princess!” I exclaimed. “You are Salome to my King Herod… although I’d rather not chop anyone’s head off, which might compromise my philanthropic work with the Quakers.”

“I don’t want anyone’s head, GB!” she giggled. “It is your wonderful feet I am interested in. I have heard they can do amazing things. Would you peel and eat a banana for me using just your feet and toes?”

If you think I found this request demeaning you’d be absolutely wrong. We gorillas are not ashamed of what we are and what we can do with our feet. Only humans are strangely sensitive about being asked to perform acts for which they or their breed are particularly renowned.

“Of course, Princess,” I said. “I have a fine ripe bunch in my trailer. Let us repair there forthwith, that I might demonstrate the feat which has tickled your fancy.”

When the ringmaster asked if he could join us I told him to fuck off.

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Lucky Princess Banu - this makes me want to go back to belly dancing classes
I worry more than when I sneeze, my belly moves all of its own accord. Does that count as dancing?
"You could practice by sucking an egg out of a chicken."

That line made me throw up in the back of my throat just a little bit.
I would spontaneously begin to belly dance if someone tried to suck a jewel from my navel.

Hmm.. I think there's a little Xenia in every women. Why else would we have strong thighs?
My favorite scene has to be in "Dr. No" when Ursula Andress (who the youthful libido of my friends and I renamed Ursula Undress) encounters Bond when she is collecting shells on the forbidden beach. He pitches some woo (I know, Archaic phrase) then turns and nails a bad guy to a tree with a spear gun. Really... could a girl ask for anything more?
Roger Moore, though? I can't imagine Rog doing anything as sensual or interesting as sucking a ruby out of a belly-dancer's navel and making it look convincing. Stunt double, must have been. Probably a gorilla.
Intriguing post. The most intriguing part about it? Discovering that you do philanthropic work with the Quakers! ;)
I've always thought belly dancing would be fun to try. As for the jewel / navel sucking, I'm afraid I'd have to pass. I'm far too ticklish.
Nursemyra: If you danced for me, Nursie, I'd perform any apish trick in my repertoire.

Madame Defarge: I would say it was more of a subterranean vibration, Madame D.

Rebecca: I do apologise, Rebecca! I should have said that the chicken would be properly douched first.

Donut girl: I'm sure your bejeweled navel would be an irresistible temptation, Ms Donut. Do you have strong thighs?

Robert: I never knew that woo-pitching was a recognised pastime. It actually reminds me of owls.

Gadjo: It's easy to knock Rog, but his films were far better than Connery's. The whole Specter thing was utter hokum.

Beth: Yes, Beth, I'm a great believer in doing good deeds whenever one can.

Ms OWO: I'm sure you'd be a superb belly-dancer, Aly. You've got the curves for it. I think you should learn how to enjoy being tickled as well.
I think Bond pitched both Woo and Wang in that film... two of Dr. No's henchmen.
Since my budget doesn't allow -and i still haven't received any gem the size of my navel-, I normally do the bellydance with a chocolate on my bellybutton. The fact that it may melt away won't stop any partner to suck it. Ir's not as distinguished as a ruby, but sexy as well.

PS.- I love JB's movies, especially Sean Connery's and Pierce Brosnan's!
I used to work as a chicken plucker and occasionally a chicken would 'lay one' on the conveyor belt. I had a friend who could swallow then whole...
Bananas, I see you're more expert than I am on this subject, but I'd still rather see Connery in an advert for hemorrhoid cream than see Our Rog in Shakespeare. George Lazenby as King Lear, anyone?
George Lazenby is a barbary ape, expertly shaved. The kilt scene is the give-away, as you clearly see his tail.

I gather Ms Banu married into the Ludlow Tarrys and is now a magistrate in that fine burg.
I knew a girl in high school that belly danced as a hobby. Nothing like seeing a girl take off her shirt and going through the motions of exotic locales.

As for the proper amount of suction, I recommend this -
Um, what did she want to use that banana for after you peeled it? Did the ringmaster take you literally?

Furthermore, I have given you award. Check out my blog, you silly ape.

Robert: These bond villains would have impressed me a lot more if they'd had owls as pets instead of cats, dogs and sharks.

Leni: A mouthwatering image, Leni! I must admit I'd be tempted to lick your navel clean. I'll remember to buy you a box of chocolates when we meet.

Mutley: Weren't chicken-swallowers called 'geeks' before the word was used to denote any common-or-garden weirdo?

Gadjo: Is that what they're doing now? Connery is a man of low character. Jack Lord once decked him for making advances to his wife.

Mr Boyo: Lazenby was in the Australian SAS, so he was well qualified for the role if you ignore his lack of acting ability.
Princess Banu would make fine magistrate - she had just the right amount of tolerance for rowdy behaviour.

Chris: That's too much suction for a navel, my friend. It would convert an innie to an outie.

Robyn: I ate the banana myself and the ring master fucked off as required. He knew better than to defy me.
I was most taken aback to learn recently that one-time Bond Timothy Dalton had a long affair with Vanessa Redgrave. She is just the sort of Bolshy Trot that Bond would take out with his Walther PPK. Which just goes to show, actors are not always type cast.
Ooh you bad Gorilla...surely you're not gonna just leave us hangin like that???!!! What else happened with Princess Banu?? Did she enjoy your banana?? Hehhehehe

p/s : i'm deprived in case you haven't noticed *sigh*
Lady Daphne: Bond would not have shot a lady for her politics, milady. If her views were unsound, he might have serviced her in a cruel and unusual manner.

Sabrina: She squealed with excitement and pleasure, Saby. I hope you would have done the same in her place.
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