Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Exorcist

I got an emotional phonecall from my old friend Luca Bacchetta, the only trapeze artist to have become a cardinal in the Roman Catholic Church. As the Vatican’s official physical trainer, he has pioneered bending and stretching exercises which conform to the principles of human dignity set out in the Catechism. The Pope himself is a frequent bender, but a less enthusiastic stretcher.

“Our situation is unbearable, GB!” he bleated. “The Chief Exorcist has taken up residence after announcing that the Devil is in the Vatican. He is currently snooping around the place, spying on all the cardinals for signs of demonic possession. You can’t have a shit without fearing that Father Gabriele Amorth will poke his head over the cubicle and ask you why you’re taking the Lord’s name in vain. He says that constipation is a sign of satanic effluvium in the bowels.”

“Can’t you get the Pope to do something about him?” I asked.

“Are you joking? The Pope is more terrified of him than anyone else. ‘Father Amorth must not be impeded in his holy mission,’ says the High Pontiff. The real reason, of course, is that he’s shit scared of being condemned himself. That madman wouldn’t think twice about denouncing the Pope as a Satanist, so the Holy Father is behaving like his punk.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked, purely as a courtesy.

“I’m so glad you asked, GB!” replied Luca excitedly. “You’re the only person I know who could put that bastard is his place. If you came here, the heat would be well and truly off us. Amorth will call you a demon and order you to flee to the bowels of Hell, but his powers will be impotent because you’re a gorilla. When he realises he can’t harm you he’ll be like a castrated bull without horns. He’d be at your mercy, GB, you could squash him like a dog turd!”

“I hope I’d find some other way of reasoning with him,” I said. “Squashing humans is always a last resort for us gorillas. Let me consider your request and get back to you. A few more days of being witch-hunted won’t kill you. Do you remember when Mariana the Magnificent dug her fingernails into your arse on the trapeze? Just grin and bear it as you did then. Be a man, Luca!”

I’m not the kind of ape who accepts an assignment without doing his homework, so I googled the exorcist’s name and found
this article. It seems that Luca’s allegations about him are well-founded, although one has to give Amorth credit for being so full of pep at the age of 85. I suspect the old viper has kept himself sprightly by drinking milk from his own personal wet nurse – directly from the teat, I’d wager. I’m tempted to visit Rome simply to meet the man and ask for his views on having gorillas in the clergy. Who knows, we might hit it off and stage a coup d'état against Pope Benny, who is clearly a snivelling poltroon with no ability to inspire the faithful.

If I became Pope Bananas, I would revitalise the Catholic Church in a hundred different ways. The first thing I’d do is legalise masturbation, so a billion guilty Catholics could spank the monkey in peace without saying a thousand Hail Mary’s afterwards. Progressive reforms like this would win me the verdict of history.

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500 years after the Reformation the hideous church is still there. As Pope GB 1 you'd have no responsibility for the past, so could start by saying, sorry for all the children raped, sorry for all the people burned alive, then go on to shut down the sorry mess. The younger priests could re-train as trapeze artists and the older ones could sell the Big Issue.
It's a first-class idea, Bananas. But regarding Inkspot's suggestion, The Big Issue might then become the new Holy Book.

Is masturbation illegal??? Oh shit.
I do believe that I would avoid this Amorth dude, sir. Take it from a clergyperson, one never knows what these religious fanatics may do. He may decide the way to exorcise the devil within you is to prepare roasted gorilla for dinner.
If you were to become Pope, I believe I'd return to catholicism xx
Yay! Go Pope Bananas!
You have sooo been tagged at Sagittiferous. :D
If you became Pope Bananas, I might give some serious thought as to converting to Catholicism – returning to organized religion. I suspect ALL your reforms would be intriguing and for the best of all man(woman)kind.
I'm not a fan of religion in general, but I'd be a catholic under you. I mean...
So it looks like Father Gabriele Amorth is kind of the modern day Hermann Göring for the Vatican. He's gonna round up all those Devils and bring them in for questioning.

Not clear exactly on what devilment those Devils are doing in the Vatican again... causing priest sexual abuse or just embarrassing the Vatican by TELLING about priest sex abuse?

Pope Bananas, will you be moving the whole Holy Relic to the Congo then?
Your posts are so awesomely funny that often I can't think of something smart to write.


what's weird about everything is that i just made an Exorist reference today too! psychically linked? i think yes. especially since i reference that movie once every ten years tops.

if masturbation was legal, it wouldn't be as much fun. for catholics, i mean. i'm well aware it's not illegal for the heathens.
Inkspot: That's trenchant stuff, Inkspot, but you shouldn't overlook the Devil's role in all of this. He is the evil seducer who can penetrate the holiest sphincter.

Gadjo: I wouldn't change the Bible, Gadjo, I'm a traditionalist in many respects. I hereby absolve you of all your wanking sins.

Saintly Nick: Thanks for the warning, Saintly Nick. If he tries any funny business I'll hang him upside down by his ankles.

Nursemyra: I'd welcome you to my flock, Nursie. I'd make you the high priestess of therapeutic massage.

BaronessBlack: I appreciate your support, Baroness. You can be my priestess of cheerleading.

RA: Many thanks, Ms RA, I am honoured!

Beth: You'd be welcomed with open arms, Beth. I'd have all kinds of positions for talented women like you.

Ms OWO: I would make you the high priestess of southern charm and fertility, Aly. You could pick any priest that took your fancy.

Robert: I wouldn't move anything to the Congo, Robert, we have our own native religions over here. Isn't Amorth more like Heinrich Himmler than Goering?

Nothingman: Thank you, kind Sir, you can always comment on the pictures. Why has no one said anything about the young lady with her pants down?

Kara: Yes, we're definitely psychically linked, I dream about you often. We're usually competing in a rude gesture competition, which I always win.
What is that girl doing with her pants down???
She must be doing something wrong, because she doesn't look like she's having fun.
Why is that Television on a chair?
If you'd become Pope Bananas I'd stop being skeptical and worship you!

Hm... masturbation is already legal, Mr, Bananas -you don't go to jail or get blind or deaf for that-.

I would sugest you legalised shagging, better. That's a small step for men, but a big step for the Catholic Church!
*pope banana, that made me laugh.. WTF? You are a banana pope now.. no wait.. I read it wrong.. poke banana.. ok.. I'm good.. moving on..
Pope Bananas sounds like the best Pope ever. The kind you could fist bump withour being arrested.

Where do gorillas go when they die?

Also, what is your take on Gorrilaz? They have a very good new album, but are they actually gorrilas? Does the z make them physically different to you guys?

I'm sorry, I just woke up.


In fact i would gladly run your campaign GB!
Hmm…a Holy Communion with Bananas and wine - sounds like a honey trap to me. Although, I do quite like the idea of a Silverback Pontiff. x
Go Pope Bananas.

It is a very sad state they have got themselves into. I still think it was celebrate not celibate. Was what God wanted and intended.

Unfortunately we do not listen very well or when we do turn things to our advantage and not always the truth.
Donut girl: I think she's fantasizing about a man, Ms Donut. That is what women think about when they're playing with themselves, isn't it?

Rubbish: Her boyfriend much be watching the snooker.

Leni: Purgatory is where you go to for playing with yourself, Leni. Let me know if you need my absolution.

Queen: Get ready to kneel before me, Queenie! You'll need my absolution most of all.

Rachel: Gorillas are reincarnated as gorillas, Rach. I don't know what gorillaz are, but they sound like lame impostors.

Sabrina: I'm sure you would, Saby, but I'd rather try a coup first. If I became Pope I'd give your butt the job of warming my vestments.

Cheyelle: A honey trap, Cheyelle? That's the second comment you've made implying that I'm some sort of wily seducer. Think of me as a avuncular chaperone who will protect you from the evils of man.

Old Tarf: I feel sorry for the innocent majority who are now tarred with the misdeeds of the minority.
if you became Pope Bananas, Nanas I'd become your Problem Nun.
Bananas old chap, all the references to "spank the monkey" that I can find refer to it as a specifically male occupation. Does that mean that the young lady will still be flung into the pit under your regime, or have women always had a dispensation for solitary pleasure?
PS I'm slightly worried that in a jungle setting "spank the monkey" might verge on a deviant practice.
"He says that constipation is a sign of satanic effluvium in the bowels" - damn right it is!

If that weren't the only religious I had, I would want to be baptised on the auguration day of pope Bananas.
By legalising masturbation I take it you mean self-pollution. People who go around masturbating others are a noble profession and Thailand's sole contribution to world culture.
Also, when you become Pope Bananas, buy ole girl a bed or something. That looks incredibly uncomfortable on her boney ass. And a TV stand.
Is the girl suffering from constipation and seeking to relieve herself of the devilishness inside her? That's invariably my excuse for wandering around the house in such a state.
No, Bananas, you don't get it. The guilt is part of the pleasure.
Hmm, coming from a circus background, you will fit in well in the church, as I expect you already have experience of cannonisation.
Problemchildbride: Hello Sam, how lovely to see you! Having you as my nun would be no problem at all.

Jobrag: But aren't a lot of apparently masculine words now unisex? If women can call men "bitches" they can certainly spank the monkey. In the jungle it's done to preserve the natural order. And for the fun of it.

Borah: You seem to know a lot about satanic effluvium, Deb. Are you eating enough fibre? I would baptize you in the river of your choice.

Mr Boyo: It should all be legal, Boyo, but you're surely being unfair to the Thais, who are renowned for their fishy curries. Their insects dishes were copied from us, though.

Hater von G: I think she prefers it that way, Ms von G. One might say her tush is between a rock and a wet place.

Madame Defarge: It pains me to think of you in such an undignified state, Madame D. I will send you a supply of jungle suppositories forthwith.

Lady Daphne: I don't see how guilt enhances the pleasure when they're actually doing it, milady. Perhaps afterwards when they're confessing it might.

The Jules: No personal experience, my friend, but I liked to watch from a safe distance.
I think for women it's referred to as 'flicking the bean'. Just fyi.
Of course I'd need your absolution, Pope Bananas. Otherwise I would be doomed to burn in hell. ;)
Fantasizing about a man? Nope. Fantasizing about sex with a man. Yes.
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