Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What women want

A Canadian professor has written a paper about what women look for in a husband. He was good enough to send me a copy in the hope that I’d confirm that female gorillas have similar preferences. For some reason, humans love it when they share behavioural traits with their primate cousins. It seems they don’t quite believe something is truly “human nature” unless we apes are doing it as well.

Now the professor’s theory is very simple. Women, he claims, want a husband who is nice. Their instincts tell them that a man who is kind to animals, and possibly his mother, is likely to be a good father. And since breeding is the ultimate aim of the game, the woman who marries a decent cove will find it easier to raise more children. Not all women find a nice guy, of course: there simply aren’t enough of them to go round. So the unlucky damsels have to let some bastard impregnate them if they want to breed. Not the optimal solution for parenting, but better than a poke in the nostril.

So how do female gorillas compare? They are virtually the same with one subtle difference. Niceness is a virtue they adore, but only when it is directed towards them. Altruism in the general sense of loving God’s creatures does not rank highly in their list of priorities. If I were to make a habit of being kind to baboons, my females would certainly mock me for being a sentimental dupe. And if I tried to befriend a crocodile, they would assume I’d gone bonkers and report me to nearest hairy nutball sanctuary. In their eyes, niceness is a precious commodity not to be wasted on the flotsam and jetsam of the animal kingdom.

But let’s get back to women. Is the professor’s hypothesis entirely valid? My main source of data is the female acrobats I knew in my circus days. I can say, without exaggeration, that I became their hairy confessor. Believe me, dear readers, they told me stuff, some of which I will never reveal. All of them intended, at some stage in their young lives, to marry a fellow richly endowed with niceness. One of them actually did so when I was there and left the circus. After a year of married life, she returned for a visit to catch up on old times. Betwixt the merrymaking and fraternising, she came to see me for a quiet chat.

I asked her how she liked being a wife and she said it was great, but I could see something was bothering her. After some gentle probing, she told me that her husband was a sweet, gentle honeybun who no longer excited her sexually. The only way she could get off in bed was to close her eyes and fantasize about Lieutenant Worf. I told her not to worry about it. Lieutenant Worf was the kind of Klingon who inspired strange yearnings in females of all species. I wouldn’t be surprised if Counsellor Troi was thinking of him when that schmuck Riker was nibbling her earlobes.

So in conclusion, I would attach a qualification to the professor’s learned thesis. Women do indeed want an affable husband – during mealtimes, household chores, outdoor recreation, visits to the in-laws and, most importantly, shopping trips. At bedtime, however, they may harbour a secret desire to be ravished by the Big Bad Beast. I wish I could help them to square that particular circle, but sadly I have no recipe for Dr Jeckyll’s potion. And I’m certainly not a Big Bad Beast, so you can put that thought out of your head.

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Oh, I'm "kind" to animals alright. But, the women need a spanking and whether they "want" one or not... is irrelevant.
I agree with the conclusions in your final paragraph. I have no doubt that the surveys compiled to bolster the hypothesis in this book were answered by women the way they assumed they "expected" to answer.

Like political exit polling never seems to jive with election reasults - because people tell pollsters the response they expect to receive, meanwhile the person has voted totally the opposite from what they tell the pollster.

My anecdotal observation of feminine behavior has shown me countless times that women will dump the "nice guy" for the "bad boy" time and time again.

You cannot find out what women want by asking them... they WILL tell you, but it won't be the truth.
Any woman who fancies Klingons is clearly yearning for something that neither she nor I understand! I recommend a nunnery.
Welll while you may not be a Big Bad Beast i'm pretty sure you're a Big Sexy Beast who can make those Klingon-yearning women pass-out in bed out of sheer ecstacy!
Just where is the nearest hairy nutball sanctuary GB?
Women SAY they like nice blokes, but that's so they feel better about themselves.

I think it's probably advisable to be a bit bad, now and then, to keep them interested and on their toes.

Personally, I love a bad girl.
Hmmm. Someone who can put up a shelf and fix nasty things that go wrong with the plumbing and maybe he can have a penis and be able to cook better than I can. Yup.
Women need men like fish need bicycles. But if a fish DID want a bicycle, it would probably want a Harley Davidson rather than a Raleigh Sprinter. And it might get a leather jacket to wear while riding it.
Not just nice, I'd say. That works at first sight, but I second Vegetable Assassin: he should have some abilities and you can't find that out before it's too late.

But the Klingons are good guys now, not Big Bad Beasts, aren't they?
Blasé: You talk a good game, that's for sure. How many women have you spanked?

Robert: That's very interesting. I suspect women are genuinely torn between their conflicting desires for comfort and security. Some go one way and some go the other.

Gadjo: Hah, my friend, you know better than that! What about the sex appeal of Count Dracula?

Sabrina: I don't know about that, Saby. But I'd certainly enjoy making you pass out in ecstasy!

Nursemyra: They're dotted all over the jungle, Nursie. I think you'd be overqualified to work in one.

The Jules: Have you ever pinned a bad girl to the bed? I suspect that's what they secretly want.

Vegetable Assassin: So you want a nice guy who's good with his hands, Ms VA? How would you feel about being spanked now and again?

Lady Daphne: I believe giant tuna can be made to do all kinds of tricks, milady. You just have to prod them in the right place.

Leni: The Klingons have joined the Federation, but they'll always be bad at heart. Would you prefer a nice guy who dealt the occasional spanking, Leni?
Women love guys. Whether they are bad, nice, short, tall, fat, skinny, muscular etc.. It changes from person to person.. I tend to prefer nice guys myself, being as I'm a nice woman. As long as he's not a push over. And yes, he can spank me if he wants to.
You're exactly right, GB.
i must be more gorilla than human, then 'cause though i'd like my man to be nice to me - he also needs to be ready and willing to pop any joe what looks at me funny.

and worf? really? with THAT hair?
I believe the report - and the Worf fantasy - but I think the real problem is that, for the past two years or so, Robert Pattison has been scowling with his pretty-sparkly-pouty boy-cheeks from every female's computer screen, ever calendar, every bus adverts... you name it, that nancy boy fairy elf chirpser who claims to be a manly vampire has turned women's heads to mush.

It's not the fault of men - or gorillas such as your good self - that a woman is no longer able to see her lover in a sexual fashion, but a female's inability to distinguish between a real man and some skinny-ass vampire wanger. I blame the media, of course.
Ideally I suppose a woman would like a complete Jekyll and Hyde day doing housework in a night the bad beast being rough and dominant in bed. I do hope the scientists are working on this!! lool
My problem may be that I want a Romulan. Intellectual and nasty. A winning combo. And I could pretend to be Dr. Crusher.
Im sorry, but Worf has never done it for me. He's just not bad enough in the grand Klingon tradition! I mean look at some of the naughty Klingons who've been featured. Some fabulous gak-munching tousle-haired examples who would bend you over a table as soon as look at you! Worf? A sort of sanctimoniously repressed half-way house that never quite makes it. And as for Riker? Pah!

Ruf, of course, manages to combine just the right mix of niceness in the kitchen with animal in the bedroom :)
Yes that's all very well........but how do you get your penis into her nostril?
Donut girl: You'd be a great catch for a nice guy who likes to spank people, Ms Donut.

Ms OWO: I'm glad to have your endorsement, Aly. Have you been thinking about any bad beasts lately?

Kara: He'd have to do a lot of popping, Missy, because I'm guessing you attract the weirdos like flypaper.

Mermaid: Hello, dear Mermaid! It's probably the mothering instinct that makes women like girly-men, you can't blame the media. Aren't you the media, anyway?

Emma: It's a difficult double act to pull off, if you'll pardon the expression. Maybe women could encourage the transformation by riling their man with dirty bedroom talk.

Madame Defarge: You are certainly too refined for the Big Bad Beast, Madame D. The Romulans had a cruel streak, but I'm sure you would find a way of using it to your advantage.

Joanna: I knew you were too far gone for Worf, Joanna, your fantasies leave him in Sunday School. You need a Viking raider to carry you off kicking and screaming.

Eileen: I'm going to tell your momma to wash your mouth out, you naughty girl.
As I always say... keep your love life clean and your sex life dirty =)

And just for the record... I don't think of Worf... but I do think of the occasional large male vampire from the Black Dagger Brotherhood books =)
Being bored with sex is one of those alien concepts to me, like people who say they have more money than they can deal with.
I would argue that nothing is better than a poke in the nostril...the act of nostril poking is as constructive as doing it, but I am willing to admit that I could be wrong.
Dear Bananas, luckily there is no one-size-fits-all solution to this conundrum, although I personally would hate to have a man traipsing along behind me, like a wet umbrella, on a shopping trip. But hey thanks for the insight.
Auri: And with big teeth, I assume. You don't have to be a virgin if they're really hungry.

Chris V: Are you saying you could rise to the occasion with any woman?

Static: The reality of nose-rape is very different from any fantasy you might have. It could give you a nose-bleed.

MWFM: Hello and welcome, ma'am. Would you prefer a man who dominates you during shopping trips?
It's a daily occurrence, I assure you.
If women want a nice guy, why do so many of them date total complete jocky douche-bags who pick fights every 5-seconds for "looking at me" or "Looking at my girlfriend" or "STOP looking at my penis you little faggot!" Assholes get the girl, although I cannot be sure if they eventually marry said asshole. Myself a nerd, I acquired a beautiful mate but only after her glory hole was used and abused by several ape-like (no offense) douchebag assholes. Perhaps the asshole is but a stepping stone to a nice guy, but I sure would like to be a stepping stone every once and a while...
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