Monday, February 08, 2010

Sizzling rump steak

“Australian girls are having their bottoms branded!” exclaims the manager of the safari camp, handing me a news clipping.

I inspect the
documentary evidence impassively before responding.

“So they are – it seems to be some kind of fashion statement.”

“Hah!” sneers the manager. “The only statement they make by branding their backsides is ‘I am somebody’s cow’!”.

“In that case most of the first ladies in Africa ought to do it,” I remark.

I later realise that proof of ownership may indeed be the motive. Australians consume so much alcohol during their barn dances that they lose the ability to recognise faces. Your average sheep-shearing ocker might take the wrong Sheila home, not realising his blunder until he pulls down her knickers and sees the brand of his best mate. Australians are an honourable breed, so he’d ring his buddy immediately to inform him of the mix-up.

“Bruce, me old cobber,” he might say, “I’ve taken your girl home by mistake. If you’ve got my girl we’ll call it quits and carry on with the business. If you’ve got someone else’s girl we’ll settle up later. I’ll buy you a crate of beer or something. No worries.

We gorillas never have this problem because our sense of smell is too acute. I could sniff out a mate of mine if she got inside a pantomime horse and whinnied like a mare. A randy young female once infiltrated my harem during one of our nocturnal orgies. I knew she was an intruder from the first whiff of her lady parts.

“Hang on a minute!” I cried as she attempted to curtsy on my face. “I don’t believe we’ve been introduced!”

“I’m from the virgin forest upstream,” she confessed. “I heard about your orgy and thought you’d let me gatecrash. You won’t be disappointed, my pelvic action has the power of a crocodile’s tail.”

I gave her a look of cool disapproval. You don’t impress an experienced silverback with that kind of vulgar boasting.

“A powerful pelvis is no passport in my domain, young lady.” I replied sternly. “If you’d like to join my harem I’ll consider it, but not before I’ve discussed the matter with your father.”

“My father ran away to Gabon when I was an infant,” she said sadly. “He joined a band of nomadic apes who believe that the secret of eternal youth is never to mate with the same female twice. I’ve not seen him since.”

I grunted sympathetically and gave her some nuts to eat. Why is it that the most promiscuous females always seem to have absentee fathers? Perhaps they subconsciously believe that being deserted by their dad means that any variety of bozo is good enough for them. Not that I’m a bozo, of course, but you see the point I’m driving at.

This rather pitiful anecdote casts a dim light on the bum-branding broads from Down Under. In a world where errant fathers leave their infant daughters to fend for themselves, is there any excuse for subjecting one’s buttocks to such flagrant abuse? It won’t improve the flavour of the meat, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t want to taste it in any event, being a vegetarian.

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We can always come up with excuses for why we do what we do.

I noticed the women in these pics don't have enough butt/bum to do any significant 'branding'.
In a shocking turn of events, cows are starting to get "tramp stamps" and pierced udders.

Those wacky Aussies.
You gave her some nuts to eat?!
Well then. That was mighty kind of you.

I for one wouldn't want to be butt-branded. If you're into marking your territory, wouldn't a hickey be suffice as a mark of 'ownership'?

Oh well, we come in all flavors.
Bananas, I think you can give up your vegetarian diet from time to time, here's all the permission you need (thanks, Wikipedia):
" harem during one of our nocturnal orgies..."

Oh how i do crave your life! *sigh*
Branding is so crude and the marks aren't pretty. Tattoos would be a much better idea.
Can divorcees be re-branded?
I do like:

"So why did she shell out $15 for such a potentially painful fashion accessory?

''Because the fellas [who do the branding] are sexy,''"

Well, that's alright then.....
a powerful pelvis is always welcome when the last of a tube of toothpaste needs squeezing out
Blasé: Aussie girls don't have big enough butts for you? Maybe your eyes are bigger than your stomach.

Chris V: The real fun will start when they start piercing the bulls.

Donut girl: Would you be partial to a hickey on the butt, Ms Donut? It's got to be more fun than being branded.

Gadjo: I already eat plenty of insects, man. It's a rich source of meat-free protein.

Sabrina: I'd like to organise an orgy in your honour, Saby. I bet they'd all crowd round you like moths near a lamp.

Ms Owo: How about tattooing a pair of pouting lips on your butt? It could serve as both an insult and an invitation.

Indie-Pop: No, they'd have to get a second brand. But I don't see it replacing the wedding ring.

Red Squirrel: They must be hoping some of the sexiness will rub off on their behinds.

Kevin: I'd like to see what you've got in mind! If it doesn't work, try getting a pump-action tube.
Being foolish I misunderstood until half way through - its like with red hot iron and things? Wow. Oddly, this would almost certainly be illegal in the UK, Rv.Smith et al. I use felt tip as my relationships dont last long enough for it to wash off...
"I am somebody’s cow"

Why, you took the words right out of my...uh oh...

Hey very perceptive post GB about the girls with absent fathers, by the way.

Gorilla's usual perfection of photos, narrative, and insight.

Promiscuous females with absentee fathers are looking to find a substitute father. You took exactly the right line GB. You should dress her up in gingham and take her out to the ball game on a Sunday.
It's not pretty: you get lots of complaints along the lines of: "I wouldn't have done a handstand if I'd had a closer look at the state of your bathroom floor beforehand."
I quite enjoy a little mark left on my backside from the likes of a spatula... but that's only on occasion... and I usually like being the one to leave the mark =)
As a promiscuous female, I'd go for the tattoos as well. Or even for something as temporary as a sticker.

No ownership marks, please. Imagine what my poor butt would look like so many times under the red hot iron.
Mutley: Well, maybe you'll progress to some kind of indelible marker as you mature. What is your brand? The letter M?

Topiary Cow: Your illustrious trademark is quite safe, Ms Cow. Their cow-ness will only ever be skin deep.

Lady Daphne: So they say, milady, but I don't see why searching for a father figure turns a woman into a raving nympho.

Kevin: The complaint has little merit. You deserve what you get if you do handstands willy-nilly.

Auri: Maybe you should have been a cowgirl, Auri. You sound as if you'd hold the hot iron with a steady hand.

Leni: A sticker sounds fun, Leni. Would you let a lucky person pull it off?
My parents were happily married for over 50 years. and my bottom is totally unbranded.....
I brand my OWN ASS with the words "Straight; if you have unauthorized access to this ass, please return it to the proper authorities." Unfortunately, I usually wake up in a dumpster suffering from PAINFUL before you jump to conclusions, I almost ALWAYS suffer from hemorrhoids...and i almost ALWAYS wake up in a dumpster...I've been raped, haven't I?
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