Friday, February 26, 2010

Sizing up Megan

Megan Fox has the perfect face, according to Professor Kang Lee of the University of Toronto. He bases his claim on metrics such as the distance between her eyes, the distance between her ears, the distance between her nostrils, and so forth. Having ogled the portraits of innumerable women, and fed their facial-statistics into his computer, the learned professor genuinely believes he has a foolproof formula for picking out the lookers.

Call me a suspicious ape, but I don’t see why it was necessary to name Ms Fox in the cause of scientific progress. If the good professor has the hots for young Megan, he ought to send her a lewd text message rather than couching his compliments in technical jargon. Although she’s currently dating a little-known C-list actor, her recent confession that she
can’t hide her love of sex suggests she is very much open for business when the right offer comes along. That doesn’t mean she’ll spread her legs for Professor Lee, but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

When I mentioned this mathematical theory of beauty to the manager of the safari camp, he smirked, scoffed and frowned in quick succession.

“A woman’s face doesn’t tell you everything,” he said. “What about her body?”

He had a point. In the next phase of his research, Professor Lee should amass a database of body dimensions and look for patterns there. A trapeze artist once told me that if the distance between a woman’s nipples is equal to the distance between her navel and her cha-cha, she is an insatiable sex kitten. I took his word for it at the time, but now I would like to see it confirmed with scientific data. The professor ought to let the women take their own measurements to maintain his objectivity and avoid getting his face slapped.

There’s nothing wrong with admiring a good-looking woman, but I don’t believe in overdoing the flattery. If girls get too obsessed with trying to look pretty they lose the knack of making funny faces. Consider the actresses who played Laurel and Hardy’s wives. They used their faces to express a wide range of emotions, ranging from sullen resentment to the dagger-eyed fury which precedes a vicious assault. Maybe Susie Essman in Curb Your Enthusiasm has a face of comparable qualities, but these days most actresses just want to look cute.

It’s not only hot-tempered bitchy women that are fun to watch (from a safe distance). There are many interesting moods that a woman’s face can project – contempt, disgust, sarcasm, a knowing look that makes the recipient feel like a boy who’s crapped his pants. Now that Mrs Slocombe and her pussy have gone to that big ladieswear section in the sky, only Dame Edna Everage can do justice to the art, and she is allegedly a man.

Is there even a female blogger who will make funny faces in this day and age? Sassy Miss Kara used to do it frequently, but after settling down and buying a condo she seems to have misplaced her mojo. It’s a sign of the times, I tell you.

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Somewhere in Ian Fleming's oeuvre the master writes that a wide mouth indicates a sensual nature. Surely this, coming from one of literature's greats, settles the matter.
I'm not sure about her measurements from her nipples, etc... but Imogene Coca had one of those flexible faces.
Imogene Coca - ah, Mr/Mrs Blasé, you just made my day!! Sweet though Miss Fox undoubtedly is, if she's not willing to do a bit of gurning from time to time then her appeal will not last.
Gadjo Dilo, I agree. And I really enjoyed her in 'Vacation' with Chevy Chase and Beverly D'angelo.

Btw, you'll notice in my profile pic that I'm not wearing a dress or makeup or high heels. So, which one are you in your profile pic?
This urge to measure to prove sexual prowess. I shall never understand it. Does one take a tape measure out on a date now?
Megan Fox this and Megan Fox that. Psssh.
I disagree with one of your comments GB; I am very vain and hugely concerned with looking pretty, but I pull some excellent faces. I kid you not, I have made people physically recoil by resetting my facial features in an amusing fashion. It's even better, because they just don't expect it from a girl like me! The added element of surprise.

I have yet to practise this skill on a client.

Brooke x
I bet if you asked Aunt Becky over at mommywantsvodka, she would be glad to make funny faces to post. She is awesome
Awww.. Mrs. Slocombe and her pussy.I loved 'Are you being served?, sweet!'

Poor Nicole Kidman. She can't make funny faces anymore.

I'm off to find a measuring tape.
Inkspot: Yes, Fleming and Donald Duck would have made an attractive couple. That wide bill would have swallowed all the bullshit.

Blasé: She was also born early enough to act in a Laurel and Hardy film, although she never did.

Gadjo: I'm begin to wonder if you have any heroes who were born after the Wall Street crash.

Madame Defarge: I suspect the modern custom is to make such measurements manually, Madame D.

Ms OW0: I've never actually seen Megan act. Do you know anyone who has?

Brooke: You are a woman of many talents, Brooke. How much do you charge for a funny face?

Rebecca: She does sound awesome, Rebecca, but I would not be so forward to ask for a funny face until we'd been introduced.

Donut girl: Nicole Kidman is incapable of funny faces, Ms Donut, and I doubt she measures up either. Good luck with your own measurements - within 10% is close enough!
megan fox makes me feel incredibly fugly.

but i can make some excellent funny faces.
Yes, the Wall Street Crash was rather a watershed in that sense ;-) MR Blasé, sorry I didn't have time to read your profile then but I have now: you're not only exactly the same gender and age as me but you also have an excellently wide range of artistic tastes. I am the taller, more dopey looking one in the picture.
Dame Edna is a MAN?????? No.....
I loved that show and I want to be Mrs Slocombe when I grow up. I've started my wig collection! and I have the eye makeup down to a fine art!!
Do I need more gorillas in my life?
Will reading your blog prove edifying?
It is amusing... ;)

(thanks for the visit)
Do gorillas pull faces MR B? Thinking along those lines - what about Victoria Wood?
oh i still make faces...i just don't share them with you as much anymore. but if i knew you missed them, it might change things.
It's a great shame that actresses these days feel the need to kill their faces so's to look better when all their blemishes have been Photoshopped out of the pap photos.

Lupe Velez could pull some splendid faces.
Peggy Mount, RIP.
If Facebook is anything to go by, drink makes women pull funny faces.
Hater von G: I hope we'll get the chance to see some of them, Ms von G.

Gadjo: Glad you've made friends with Blasé. You'll learn much about the human condition from each other.

Nursemyra: It was a shock to me as well, Nursie.

Queen: Hello Queenie, that's a fine ambition! I suggest you start practicing her faces in front of the mirror.

Beth: Hello Beth. Every woman needs at least one gorilla in their life, in my view.

Mutley: We certainly do make faces, Mutley. It's our most important method of communication.

Kara: Haven't I always given you praise and encouragement whenever you made a funny face?

Kevin: Indeed she could. The good die young, as the saying goes.

Mr Boyo: And let's not forget Hattie Jaques while we're reminiscing.

Rachel: I'm sure you're right, Rach, but don't all drunks have the same silly expression?
Your friend the trapeze artist and his methods are funny, but not really scientific, so I think women can save the tape measure.

Most of us can make funny faces, just a shame that we can't see them in the blogsphere.
I'll admit she's uber sexy in a sophia loren kinda way but the woman can't act to save her life!!!!

Michelle that's beautiful!
Great post, Gorilla! The facial measurements were also taken on the bust of the ancient Egyptian queen Nefertiti (now in Berlin), and they came out as being perfect. So perfect in fact, that the physiscians of the team declared the statue cannot depict a true face. So much for measured perfection. Eat your heart out, Nefertiti! :)

You have a heck of a blog here, Gorilla. I'm off to rummage in the archives.... :D
you say she displays various emotions, but i don't see her lips changing at all. Just her hair
I think that Megan Fox is an android from the future send here to cause men to BLOW THEIR LOADS in an attempt to reduce human population growth. There is a clear correlation between the blowing of loads and sex, and what better way to increase the former than a suspiciously PERFECT BABE strutting her stuff all over pop-culture's ever-growing-cock? Thanks for uncovering this future-conspiracy, Ape-man. Thanks. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going beat-off to photos of Megan Fox.
Kiki, her hair is very emotional, she doesn't need to use her lips when her hair expresses every nuance she feels
she's like a chameleon? is that what you're saying nursey??
How dare you imply that Dame Edna is a man in drag! She is one of my oldest friends. We used to go out on the pull together.
Haha! now you have incurred the wrath of the Bough! Now here is a lady with a look that could launch a thousand daggers in your direction, my dear GB.

As for me, I recall sitting in an english lesson, listening to someone torturing shakespeare with an appallingly lackluster tone of voice, when suddenly my English teacher shouted out: "Katherine! What on earth are you doing with your face?"

We looked at Katie, who was pulling her face into all shapes and stretching it in the most unusual ways.

"I read that if you stretch your face every day when you're young, you won't get wrinkles when you're old", said Katherine.

Maybe Meagan Fox has perfected the art of face-pulling in years past to enable her beauty to shine out now. Or maybe she dare not break out a smile in case her unstretched face fractures into a thousand wrinkles.

only time will tell. As for Katherine? Her face is unblemished 17 years on. I think I know whose beauty tips I'd trust.
Leni: I'm glad to hear that, Leni. There is something missing in a woman who can't make funny faces.

Sabrina: I've never actually seen her act, Saby! And I'm beginning to feel rather glad about it.

RA: She sounds very vain, but perhaps that's to be expected in a living goddess. Rummage around all you like, dear lady, my home is yours to explore.

Kiki: There are subtle changes in her pouts if you know how to spot them. Her hair is a hormonal indicator.

Julio: You lack ambition, Sir. Maybe she'd let you blow your load over her boobs if you asked politely.

Nursemyra: Her hair certainly affects my emotions, Nursie.

Lady Daphne: "Allegedly", milady. For my own part, I will believe anything her gynaecologist tells me.

Mermaid: I like the sound of your friend, Mermaid. It takes courage and a fair amount of eccentricity to make funny faces in an English class. I have seen Lady Daphne's face and it has never failed to fill me with serene pleasure.
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