Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Name calling in Amsterdam

I’m writing a letter of protest to the Mayor of Amsterdam about the conduct of his deputy, Lodewijk Asscher. This insolent upstart has stated that only the biggest creeps are found on the streets between the hours of 4am and 8am. As one who habitually rose at the crack of dawn in his circus days, I often enjoyed an early-morning stroll to inhale the virginal air of a new day. These jaunty excursions were conducted in exemplary fashion: I did not peer into windows or sift through garbage or engage in other disreputable activities. This ass Asscher must withdraw his remark forthwith or be declared an enemy of the gorilla nation.

I should add that I never saw any humans who were conspicuously creepy either. The few who were out and about seemed too preoccupied with their own affairs to bother anyone. The only untoward incident I remember occurred in Ireland, when an inebriated fellow crossed my path. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me and pointed an accusatory, if unstable, finger in my direction.

“Der Antichrist!” he cried. “Der four fookin’ horsemen of the fookin’ apocalypse will be followin’ in yer wake!”

I was in no mood to humour his liquor-fuelled hallucinations.

“Stop that delirious babbling, you vulgar oaf!” I barked. “Have you any idea what a blot on the landscape you are on this beautiful morning? Find a quiet place to lie down and cover yourself with a tarpaulin.”

He stumbled away, mumbling some foolish nonsense. A drunken halfwit, to be sure, but I wouldn’t go so far as to call him a creep. I doubt he was a danger to anyone but himself.

Now the deputy mayor’s remark was in support of a proposal to close the city’s brothels between those hours. These establishments have become a major tourist attraction in Amsterdam, surpassing even the tulip fields and windmills. I actually think there is much to be said for the idea. Many prostitutes are obviously workaholics who should be forced to take a break for their own health and sanity. Even if they don’t feel like sleeping, it would do them good to consider new hobbies and pastimes. Consorting with lustful men can only go so far in broadening one’s mind.

A lot of respectable women, who find the idea of sleeping with strange men repulsive, assume that prostitutes must either be victims or incredibly greedy. I dare say many of them are, but there are also those who claim to enjoy their work. I remember getting an earful from a comely young harlot who caught my disapproving eye when she emerged from the trailer of a circus clown.

“I’m gorgeous, I love sex, so why shouldn’t I make money from it when I can?” she asked plaintively. “It’s the girls who give it away for nothing who are fools.”

“Well yes, I see you point,” I waffled sheepishly. “Yet it is also said that the best things in life are free, and that a bird in the hand is worth more than a bush, and that one man’s meat is another woman’s poison.”

“Bollocks!” she exclaimed, unconvinced by my subtle arguments.

Since then, I have been careful to avoid debates with either prostitutes or their detractors. Why should I even hold a view on the subject? The practice is beyond my power to reform and has a negligible impact on my life. Those who want to explore the issue in more depth should get in touch with my friend
Miss Brooke, who seems to know all the in’s and out’s.

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Tulips, a windmill, brothels & window prostitution... Suddenly I feel very much at home :)

I have never visited the red light district, but it's certainly a unique part of amsterdam. The whole thing sort of reminds me of medieval times. The ancient buildings with scantily clad women beckoning through the windows. It is pretty safe during the day, but a little bit sketchy during the night (or so I've been told).
It can't be all beer and skittles being a prostitute though, certainly not at this time of year, having to wear scanty clothes at 4 o'clock in the bastard morning.
I had to change planes in Amsterdam once. I was disappointed that I didn't get to check out all it had to offer. Namely, drugs... though I'm sure the prostitutes are top notch.

One day.
I, myself, would prefer a tour of the tulip fields and windmills, but it has often been said that I am quite pedestrian in my desires.
I'm planning on visiting europe in 2012 and amsterdam is on my must-visit list....for their special cakes and *ahem* ladies of i pray to god they won't close the brothels

He is indeed a stupid arse!
I have always enjoyed Amsterdam the city, and they have the best airport in all of Europe! I will have to take your word for the activities of the denizens of the night, but your descriptions were a delight to read.
Where I live the early risers are joggers and newspaper delivery dudes. The paper dudes deliver by car, so there's the potential for a romantic/psycho-sexual short story involving a jogger who jumps into the newspaper dude's car for furtive encounters among a pile of plastic-wrapped Washington Posts at 5.30am. Jogger's wife would get suspicious when she starts to read the day's headlines in reverse across her husband's arse as he's about to get into the shower. To be continued...
Thank you again for the mention my dear Gorilla friend, I will happily answer any enquiries people may have about the life of a London escort. But if anyone has some abuse to hurl, I would rather they directed it at Lodewijk Asscher... people are usually jolly nice though :-)

Brooke x
Donut girl: Well, Ms Donut, the windmills and tulip fields would be ample for me. I avoid prostitutes unless they have good stories to tell.

Gadjo: Good point, although one would hope the ones in Amsterdam can keep their studios well heated. The market for cold-skinned whores can't by very big.

Ms Owo: I hope you'll get the chance for an extended visit, Aly. I'm sure the working girls would love to be interviewed by a talented young writer such as yourself.

Liv: Dearest Liv, it's been ages since we were in touch! I'm very much a windmill-tulip ape myself. I hope the yoga is keeping you beautiful.

Sabrina: Go for it, Saby! A blogger called 'Jungle Jane' told me she used to go there for great girl-on-girl action. I bet they'd give you a discount too!

Lady McLeod: Many thanks, milady, although I've not yet met those ladies myself, much to my regret.

Indie Pop: It's rather early for that sort of hanky-panky, isn't it? I wouldn't think much of humans who were so easily distracted from the job in hand.

Brooke: I can't believe anyone would abuse you, Brooke, you are the sweetest tart anyone could wish for. I hope your barman will realise what a catch you are.
Doesn't the lady in the picture know that a proper lady wouldn't wear a red bra under a white shirt? Hasn't she been to finishing school?
I am sorry my father bothered you on your trip to Ireland, Take comfort from the knowledge that he did the same to Princess Anne...
On a family visit to Amsterdam, my father 'got lost' and we all ended up traipsing down a sidestreet full of windows containing scantily clad ladies.

My mother's face was a picture - they separated soon after :) - but my teenage sister and I found it quite fascinating.

Is there no gorilla equivalent of the prossie then, MrB? Would there be no market for that kind of thing?
good god amsterdam without hookers would be like fish without chips. Whatever next?? Will these do gooders be banning the smoking of pot in cafes soon? the mind boggles
Despite my nationality, I know little of the legal profession you've just discussed (i prefer the 'ins and outs' of the gratis variety) but I don't think it's unreasonable to force brothels to close their doors between 4am and 8am. After all, bars are supposed to close their doors too.

and EmmaK, it is illegal indeed to smoke a normal spliff in a cafe. If you fancy mixing your weed with tobacco, you'll have to do it outside or at home. Because of the ban on smoking, I believe you can only smoke it pure in bars.
I saw a gorilla in a show in Amsterdam once.

It probably wasn't you, you seem to have a bit more class.
I second EmmaK: amsterdam without hookers would be like fish without chips.

On my first trip to Amsterdam i had a walk in the red ligt district whole i waited for my train to Utrecht (one hour and a half later) and it was an amazing surprising adventure.

I didn't have the time to visit a coffee shop though. Maybe next time, if that Lodewijk Asscher hasn't closed them all yet after finishing with the red light windows.

I would add that the best of Holland are their people themselves (except those stupid cashiers form the supermaket where i used to buy this summer, in a remote town up north... )
I think you'll find it's to do with European Working Time Directive 2003/88/EC.
I don't mind a red bra under a white shirt. It's white shoes after Labour Day that I object to
Madame Defarge: Tarts are a law unto themselves in sartorial matters, Madame D. They have to think how the colours will look off the body as well as on.

Mutley: I never knew you had Irish blood, but it's all the same to me. Did he call Princess Anne the Horseface of the Apocalypse?

Joanna: Your father sounds like a shrewd fellow, Joanna. He must have know that working girls don't charge for looking. It's a pity you didn't get the chance to have a chat with them.

Emma: Their shopfronts give the place such a distinctive character, don't they? The Amsterdam red-light district will one day be a world heritage site.

Borah: Neither do I, Deb, it's not healthy for the girls to work non-stop. Have you any idea what hobbies they might enjoy?

Red Squirrel: I've never been there so it couldn't have been me - but it might have been a relative.

Leni: I wish I'd been there with you, Leni. We could have interviewed some of the girls together.

Daphne: These Brussels gnomes are poking their noses everywhere.

Nursemyra: Aren't white shoes just for tennis?
Banana drama in Congo would be brilliant. I have been trying to get to that part of the world for a while now! I will have to chuck some pics your way when I make it.

Amsterdam.........i must get there too. My BF goes often but never gets passed the coffee houses!
Hello, Old Cow! I think it might be a good idea to accompany your boyfriend on his trips to Amsterdam. Keep his mind in the right place and so forth.
Christ, who is in the mood for sex at 6 a.m.? I'm barely in the mood to go to my job.
When AREN'T you in the mood for sex? I was once shot in the leg during a barfight, and I couldn't help but hit on the hot nurse who tended to my wounds at the hospital. Face it: MEN ALWAYS WANT SEX. Would you shut off water at 6 a.m.? Then why would you shut off Hookers, or STD clinics? CHrisV82, I have my doubts about whether you are in fact a heterosexual male!
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