Monday, January 25, 2010

A visit from Kylie?

I got a phone call from Kylie Minogue’s agent asking whether she could do anything for the gorillas of the Congo Basin.

“She could sit on top of a tree with a catapult and fire plum stones at any noisy parrots in the vicinity,” I suggested.

“Erm… we were thinking more along the lines of a donation and a photo opportunity,” replied the agent.

“Sounds good to me,” I said. “We’d be delighted to see her and I insist that she brings her boyfriend along. It’s been a while since my females had a man to play with.”

“Hmm,” pondered the agent, mulling it over in his head. “I’ll put your request to Miss Minogue and get back to you.”

“You do that,” I said. “And tell Kylie to ring back herself so we know we’re not being hoaxed by a hoaxer.”

The boyfriend in question is a Spanish model called Andres Valencoso, a mere ten years younger than Kylie. She shouldn’t worry about lending him to my females, because he’s told Hello magazine that he’s in love – with Kylie, one would hope. Call me a sentimental ape, but I’ve always believed that a man who’s in love can be trusted not to fool around. Even if my females did manage to excite him, he’d probably close his eyes and think of Kylie, which wouldn’t be cheating in the true sense of the word.

Kylie herself must be continually fighting the temptation to stray. Her waifish figure seems to bring out the beast in a certain type of man, and it's undoubtedly swollen her male fan base. In all honesty, she’s not the shape of woman that we gorillas admire. There’s simply not enough meat on her, and her posterior lacks that all important quality of squeezability.

This has no bearing on our appreciation of her music, of course. My favourite song of hers is Can’t get you out of my head, or “La-la-la, la-la, la-la-la” as it’s known in the jungle. Did you know that those “la-la’s” spell out the letters O-I-W in Morse code? Kylie has admitted that it's an acronym for “Ollie Is Wonderful”, a reference to her beloved Great Dane.

A lot of men are surprised (and possibly envious) of how fond women can be of big hairy animals. Back in my circus days, the ringmaster resented the attention I got from the all-girl acrobat team.

“How come they’re always fussing over you and stroking your fur and calling you ‘darling’?” he asked. “Anyone would think you were their Sugar Daddy or something.”

I eyed him archly before replying as follows: “It’s called affection, Ringmaster. It’s how women respond when you treat them kindly and aren’t obsessed with getting in their pants. I hope you will experience it yourself one day.”

He grunted like an ox and stomped off.

Such reminiscences make me all the more eager to receive Kylie in the Congo. It doesn’t bother me at all that she’s jumping on the gorilla bandwagon, following in the footsteps of Sigourney Weaver, Daryl Hannah and other damsels of note. My bandwagon is sturdy enough to bear the weight of a dozen Kylies.

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She'll always be permed haired, feisty teenage Charlene to me, Bananas. I wonder if, when she burps, she tastes Jason Donovan?

I like the way you placed "fond" and "attention" at the same level.

I'm sure the acrobat girls gave you "attention", Big G! And it probably had to do more with the length of your arms than your dense hair.
La-la-la, la-la, la-la-la??? Ha!
Kylie sure is cute and teeny tiny. I hope your females will treat her as gentle as they can. Maybe you and Andres could sit on top of a tree and do some male bonding?
She looks so gorgeous and tiny that i think you're right when you say that she coulld bring out the beast in a certain type of man (ask Andrés, a compatriot from my same city. He knows).

You're amazingly wise, Mr Bananas: women like affection and always respond to it.

They also respond when someone gets in their pants, but that requires a more sophisticated and laborious procedure. Good lesson for the Ringmaster, hahahah.

If you host her, Kylie's visit to the Congo will be a great success, I have no doubt!
“La-la-la, la-la, la-la-la” almost spells out the initials of Isle Of Wight: perhaps it's a cry for help, perhaps Kylie really just wants to settle down and spend the rest of her days in a chalet in Shanklin.
Will you be releasing a duet together, Mr Bananas?
But be careful - she's a red blooded woman and she might give you fever.
Ooh i likey Ms Minogue very very much. I swear i'd bonk her in a second if it were allowed! *sigh*

Plus she gives people like me hope...that you can be vertically challenged and still be uber sexy and desirable
I was watching the vicar of dibley the other night and Hugo was going gaga over Kylie.

She freeze if she were dressed like that over here at the moment.
I'm surprised how fashionable it has become lately, having a young boyfriend. Kim Catrall, Madonna and I think I overheard someone saying the same about Beyonce.

Well, at least I'm fashionable in that respect!
Make sure the poor thing has a whole shirt on her back before any pictures are taken. Wouldn't want anyone thinking you'd roughed her up, GB.
Wha??Theres simply not enough meat on her? Well, I can solve that problem...*unzips fly
THERE! Now bring on Darryl and Sigourney too. There's plenty of meat to go around!
Vegetable Assassin: That's ancient history, Ms VA. She must have gargled a thousand times since she last ingested anything of Jason's.

Blasé: Don't tell me you're jealous as well! The attention I got was very affectionate, hence the use of the word "darling".

Donut girl: I don't bond with human males, Ms Donut. They find it difficult to master the grunts.

Leni: My word, Leni, I had no idea she chose a man from your own home town! I will insist they invite you to their wedding, should such a happy event occur.

Gadjo: It was a cry for something, that's for sure. Does the Isle of Wight have good restaurants and a night life? I think Monte Carlo is more her sort of place these days.

Scarlet: I could certainly beat out a rhythm she would dance to, Miss Scarlet. You as well, if you visit.

Sabrina: Of course it's allowed Saby and I'm sure lots of women have exactly the same thoughts about you! You're more the kind of woman we gorillas admire as well!

Old Tarf: She does have that effect on certain men, Tarf.
Maybe she makes them feel like King Kong.

Borah: Well you're just a baby yourself, Deb, so your fella can't be that much younger. I'm sure he's mature for his age.

Ms OWO: No one would think that Aly. I'm famous for my gentle touch

Static: I was thinking about rumpsteak rather than a cocktail sausage.
No one deserves Kylie more than Gorilla.

Let's hope she does something for the Congo and rainforest.

I humbly beg to differ Mr Bananas, Kylie has a very squeezable butt. But I thought gorillas had flat bottoms...?
I look a a similar then to her the Kylie? Oh yes. Happy news year!!
I'm sure Kylie and her new friends share a lot more in common than opposable thumbs and squeezable tushies.
someone needs to feed daryl hannah's legs.

i don't really know kylie minogue at all, except for when she dated oliver martinez, who i want to make a popsicle out of.

that is all.
"A lot of men are surprised (and possibly envious) of how fond women can be of big hairy animals."

The most effective form of contraception for men is not being Tom Selleck.
Kylie visit the safari camp? You should be so lucky. Lucky lucky lucky.
Kylie is one of those women no one can dislike she is so chirpy - and no man can dislike because of her perky rear. Her sister Dani is somehow tragic - her nose has been shaved to a stub her breasts inflated to life rafts, she always has a strained smile on and she is always having one terrible relationship after another. I wonder what the minogue mum drank during pregnancy that made Kylie fab and Dani well a bit of a sad case.
*Blush* So sweet la you...mauckz!

p/s : I do wish those women would make themselves as well as their intentions known to me...
Topiary Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow, although I wouldn't want to hog Kylie all for myself.

Nursemyra: Gorillas have big, taut, muscular bottoms, Nursie. I'll have to send you some pictures.

Mu Tai Dong: Has Chinese New Year arrived, Ms Dong? I seem to have missed it.

Tranquility: Yes indeed. We also share natural rhythm.

Kara: Does that mean you want to freeze him or suck him?

Rachel: Does that mean you fancy him, Rach? I bet that old charmer is still pulling young chicks.

Daphne: You're right, milady, but so would she. We'd be a feather in her tail.

Emma: Does she really have a perky one? This needs careful investigation. I'm sure Dani used to be more attractive, but she never quite made it, did she?

Sabrina: You just need to visit the right places, Saby!
Im hoping that Kylie will agree to play me in the film version of my autobiography.

Only she can truly capture the total squeezability of the waif's pert derriere, an asset which seems to have passed you by, MrB.

As you know, since I became a more mature woman I too have developed a penchant for the hairy male. Invariably their inner gentle man seems to bely their rather rough exterior.
I want to package Kylie and carry her around with me. But not in a strange 'maybe we should lock Auri up' kind of way...

Daryl... she's batshit as far as I'm concerned...
Joanna: Her posterior, however pert, is rather small for my big hands, Joanna. But I'd like to see her play you in a few of the scenes you've described for us.

Auri: Maybe you could ride around on horseback with Kylie sharing the saddle.
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