Friday, January 15, 2010

Seduction tricks

Someone has asked me to contribute to a fund for a Korean man who tried to hypnotise a woman into bed. After failing in his attempt he was arrested and heavily fined. I won’t donate a penny. If hypnotists are allowed to get away with that kind of chicanery, no virtuous maiden will be safe unless she wears ear plugs. Instead of looking for macho sympathisers to reimburse him, he should thank the judge for being so lenient. I would have imposed the ancient Roman penalty involving fish paste and a ram’s horn.

Although human seduction techniques are irrelevant to a gorilla, I like to keep an eye on current developments. Apparently there is
a society which helps men to perfect such wiles. A favoured method is for the seducer to invite the object of his lust to offer her opinion on a quirky topic he is supposedly debating with his buddies. Once enticed into communication, she is beguiled with pre-planned banter designed to make her feel she is being courted by Oscar Wilde’s heterosexual twin. If all goes to plan, she will consent to sexual relations before her charmer exhausts his bag of tricks.

Such tactics would never work with female gorillas. Too much clever talk is viewed as pretentious in the jungle. “Ignore the words, observe the deeds” is the motto they follow when sizing up eligible silverbacks. I remember the case of a wily chimpanzee who tried to chat up a pubescent female gorilla. He told her all kinds of tall stories about edible snakes and suckable coconuts. She listened to him with an amused look on her face and then immobilised him with a headlock. He must have spent hours lying on the ground with her vice-like ankles wrapped around his neck. He couldn’t move his head for a week after she released him.

Now I’m not saying that human females should adopt a similar approach. What works in the jungle might cause an unpleasant ruckus in a singles bar. But if a man sounds too clever, he ought to be reminded that his words are merely noises from a vibrating Adam’s Apple. The shrewd girl-about-town will listen to him with a twinkle in her eye and say “How you talk!” when he’s finished. If he looks annoyed, it means she’s seen through him.

It seems to me that the authentic ladies’ man learns his craft by hanging out with women and finding out what they really want from a lover. The fellow who only approaches a woman when he wants sex will never be a Casanova in my view. The same principle applies when the genders are reversed, of course. A lady gorilla who expects the alpha male to jump all over her when she’s in season might be gravely disappointed if the big guy feels he’s being used like a sperm bank.

“Where were you last week when I wanted a fruit smoothie and my back needed scratching?” I asked one of my horny females the other day.

She had no good answer to my question.

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Of course, the last demand seem to me to be a Universal Ploy to Receive Free Fruit Smoothies. I must talk to the Animal Rights department and ask them whether fruit smoothies are eligible food for male gorillas.
Actions always speak louder than words.
Oh my what has become to the noble art of seduction!

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but some guys are way too lazy for that. So, do you recommend earplugs?

I should ask one of your females to teach me how to put a guy in a headlock position if he's a pain in the neck!
I trust you will not give-in to the female with "no good answer".

Be strong, and teach her a lesson
Well, for those too ugly or without charm, they can always buy Love Of Women By Using Dollorinos.

GB, does that kind of thing happen in the jungle too?

Wait a second Apey...there are virtuous maidens still? Where? Are they on some secret island somewhere. The island of Chastity?

Well there and here in my office. Because I am a nun you know.
I've often been mistaken for Oscar Wilde’s heterosexual twin, but then I've also been mistaken for his twin (...think about it).
It's a tough life, being a gorilla. My heart bleeds for you.

I'm sure many human males would love to be used as a sperm bank.
How do I get to meet this pre-pubescent female Gorilla?
Who wants a charming chatterbox anyway? I prefer the strong silent type that leaves before I have to make things awkward by suggesting it.
Panu: All fruit is free in the jungle, Miss. I was just asking for a bit of care and attention.

Donut girl: Indeed. Especially so in gorilla society.

Leni: You certainly deserve that training, Leni. I would gladly assist by allowing you to practice your headlocks on me.

Blasé: It's not easy to get an answer out of a female gorilla who doesn't want to talk. Getting mean with her would have given her what she wanted.

Nothingman: A sex doll manaufacturer once asked me if there'd be a market for gorilla dolls. I said no, they'd be too immobile.

Vegetable Assassin: I'm sure they exist, Ms VA, they just don't boast about it anymore. Nuns are married to Christ, of course.

Gadjo: Does that mean you have androgynous appeal? Or maybe you're just bilingual.

Rachel: I will accept your sympathy at face value, Rach, even if you were intending to be sarcastic.

Mosha: Do you really want to get used like man-whore? She's no longer pubescent.

Aly: Have we met before, Aly? Your southern drawl sounds strangely familiar. Send me an email if you want a quiet chat.
Speaking on behalf of all gorilla hypnotherapists I would like to say I'm very happy that we (gorillas, and hypnotherapists, though not necessarily gorilla hypnotherapists) are getting such good press.

Anyway, take a look at this pendulum.
hm, I'm thinking I need to get my ankles around my silver-backs neck this weekend.
Is it the usually Friday thing to get the libido all warmed up, I seem to be finding this a common theme today.
Bananas, I had androgynous appeal, but thankfully age, male-pattern baldness and sloppy grooming have reduced this over the years :-)
Wrapping my legs around the neck of a potential suitor, and asking them to 'prove' themselves....before accepting a drink in a bar, is a ploy I have used for years.
I am often hypnotized into a comatose condition, usually by David Attenborough or Neil Oliver. It's the hour's time difference.
There seem to be a lot of lady gorillas being niggled by talkative chimpanzees round the back of Hannigan's Truss Boutique on a Thursday night.
".. hanging out with women and finding out what they really want..."

With revolutionary ideas such as this the world will soon come to an end.

(heading off to Hannigan's Truss Boutique now since it's a Thursday)

Mr Gorilla - who is that handsome fellow with the finger? Is it you?
Mo Stoneskin: The hypnotherapist was a Korean, not a gorilla. Your comment is pure obfuscation.

Mad woman: I hope your ankles were up to the task, ma'am. It would be a shame to waste all that libido.

Gadjo: Ah, well. As long as you cherished it when you had it, I suppose.

Miss BB: An interesting ploy, Miss BB. Some might say it was putting the cart before the horse.

Lady Daphne: I'm sorry to hear that Davy can no longer hold your interest, milady. Perhaps you'd find him more exciting in 3D.

Kevin: Well it's their own fault for going to the joint, isn't it? Lady gorillas belong in the jungle.

Topiary Cow: Don't worry, Ms Cow, few men have the patience required for such research.

Nursemyra: He's a close relative, Nursie. Do you like his finger?
I like his eyes
A true ladies man is much like a male silverback...CONFIDENCE...that's it, the only thing that counts!
What an interesting community this is !

GB, I'm delighted and proud to see my visage in your article. And to see also that the wonderful Nurse myra visits and that she likes my eyes !
In my experience 'ruckus in a singles bar' is usually a good thing... if you want to get laid that is;)
Hypnotism you say....
Ah, this reminds me so much of my early days being courted by M. DeFarge. I fear I was seduced by his talk of ball bearings and his ability to fix washing machines. He hasn't progressed very much since then. His bag of tricks has sadly shrunk.
Nursemyra: Those eyes are saying 'stay thither' rather than 'come hither', Nursie.

Urban Cowboy: I dare say, Mr Cowboy, but be careful not to get overconfident. I've seen many a man with a ten gallon hat on a two pint head.

Ayrdale: Don't get too excited, the spell might break if she meets you in person.

Auri: But will you get laid with the right person, Auri? That's the problem with a ruckus, any fool can join in.

Lois: Don't be tempted, Lois! Find a man who loves you when you're conscious.

Madame Defarge: Well at least he still has a few tricks, Madame D. It sounds as if you made a very practical choice.
it's the lack of clever talk that so often turns me off. a good conversation is hotter than sex. except for when it's part of it.
I would love to come back as a man! It is the easiest thing in the world to seduce a woman. Please DON'T go on about your mindbogglingly boring job and how much you earn. Please DON'T go about how good in bed you are (yawn). A man jusst has to be a bit flattering and then listen, nodding and making mmm interested sounds while the woman rambles on about herself. Men who listen are so rare that this is a very successful seduction technique.
Kara: Well, Missy, clever talk is what men learn in seduction clubs nowadays. So I guess you were made to be seduced.

Emma: Which is why a lot of women fall in love with their shrinks. It amazes me that more men haven't worked this out.
I think that my view on this subject is slightly tainted, because I want most men to think they've succeeded in getting me into bed, whatever technique they have used. It's nice when they forget about that wad of cash on my bed side table, and they convince themselves that it really was that witty conversation they delivered over drinks that did the trick. Bless their hearts.
I didn't realize we were talking about a lifelong mate... I thought we were just talking about getting laid...

and I love that picture of you... naughty gorilla
Brooke: Is becoming a regular client of yours an achievement, Brooke?

Auri: Well, Auri, I suppose it depends how badly you want to get laid!
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