Friday, January 29, 2010

Public speaking

The manager of the safari camp suggests I give the guests a lecture. “Tell them about the mating habits of gorillas and stuff like that,” he says.

We jungle dwellers prefer to disseminate our ideas informally,” I reply. “Pontificating in front of an audience is a pastime for pompous old farts.”

“Well you certainly know how to fart,” he remarks tartly.

“I’ll give them a lecture from my arse if you want,” I retort.

I explain that the best way to learn about our social customs is simply to socialise with us. I am used to fielding questions when I’m tending bar at the guesthouse, and I’ve not yet denounced anyone for being a nosey parker. If visitors want to see us in our natural habitat, they can join us in the jungle and find their inner ape. I love teaching humans how to scratch facial itches with their toes - the boosts it gives their self-esteem warms my primate heart

I once had to go to a lecture in my circus days. The ringmaster said I should listen to some physiotherapy guy explaining how to look after my body. I damned his impudence for suggesting that a human could teach a gorilla anything about physical fitness. He then showed me my contract of employment, which contained some ridiculous clause about attending a certain number of training events per year. I denounced the ringmaster for his legalistic pedantry and resigned myself to attending that execrable event.

The lecture theatre was almost full when I got there, the only empty seats being at the front. I cursed my bad luck. Having a quiet snooze isn’t very easy if the star of the show is spraying you with his spittle. When our venerable teacher entered the hall, I was struck by his pale complexion and wiry physique. Not the kind of features that pass for healthy in the Congo, I thought. He then began to speak in a dull drone, showing more interest in his slides than his listeners. I began to imagine what Houdini must have felt when he was underwater in a straitjacket.

Presently, the monotony was broken by the beeping of an electronic wristwatch at the back of the hall. This jolted our learned speaker into the realisation that the interest he was inspiring was less than rapt.

“Can everyone hear me?” he asked.

“I can hear you,” I announced, “but I wouldn’t mind changing places with someone who can’t.”

The audience tittered, and our lecturer’s pale face got some much needed colour.

“Let’s have a ten minute break while I sort out the mike,” he stuttered.

I clapped my hands delightedly and raced for the exit.

Before any teachers get annoyed, let me acknowledge that many in their profession are enthralling speakers. I would enthusiastically attend any lecture given by
Booby Miss Saby, who has taught classes of more than a hundred students. I would especially relish the moments when she turned round to write on the board, thereby giving us an eyeful of her stupendously sexy bottom. She is one human female who can sit on my lap whenever she wants.

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GB and Saby sitting in a tree.
yeah, we humans will do anything to listen to a lecture on the "mating habits of Gorillas"

I could be deaf, and I would still enjoy viewing Dutch Donut girl give a lecture of any kind.

Guess which one was sarcastic, and which one was not.
It's always the most unlikely people people who make the most compelling speakers: e.g. short-arse Adolf Hitler, speech-impedimented Winston Churchill and Moses (who wore a dress).
Oh my...i am soo very flattered!!! *Blush*

And i consider it a personal honour to be able to sit on your lap GB *muackz*
Is there room for me too?
Look at all these knee-sitting offers! Whatever you've got GB, you need to bottle!
Hmm...maybe I should take up teaching.
A lecture from the arse is what most public speakers excel at (esp. those Teabaggers)...that and spraying spittle, as well as slapping foreheads with cocktail weeny-sized todgers.

Delightfully funny post.. Go Gorilla..err...uh..Bananas!
Donut girl: I prefer to lie in a tree, Ms Donut. It helps spread the weight. You or Saby would be welcome to join me.

Blasé: I can send you a DVD if you're that interested in our mating habits, although I'm disappointed you have adopted such a sarcastic tone with Ms Donut.

Gadjo: Did Moses really make good speeches? I thought he was mainly a go-between.

Saby: I'm sure we'd both be very cozy, Saby. Did you get any wolf whistles from your students?

Nursemyra: You bet, Nursie! You can sit on my face if you want!

Rachel: What I've got, Rach, is a lot of hair and plenty of mites. Grooming is preferably to bottling.

Ms OWO: Yes, I think you'd be great in a classroom. Facing in either direction.

Static: I've heard about those eccentric Teabaggers. They look a bit weird, but aren't they quite polite? I would ignore them until they started using coarse language.
Hey Mr Bananas, what a lucky ape you are with so many sweet amusing and beautiful ladies sitting on your royal lap!

And many more queuing, asking for that! (including myself!!! ;))
so what you're saying is - teachers are more effective when their hot? hmmm.
I teach classes too GB!! Can I play??

And I think an effective teacher is a charismatic teacher... they don't have to be hot.
Topiary has never taught classes and wouldn't dream of it...however the thought of sharing a seat with GB as he alternately dozed and insulted the professor is intensely appealing...

Bring on the classroom!
Were you to lecture me, I suspect that I would hang on your every word and devour your teaching methods. I am a very obedient little pupil.
Wise, as ever, Mr Ape, though i must point out that i never paid attention in lectures and look what happened: I have to fake my credentials on the interweb just to get by.

PS: I like that you appear able to host an entire Civil Rights-era demonstration on (in?) your lap. And without FBI intervention.
Leni: Aren't I just, Leni? You would most welcome too, although I'm beginning to think you might have to take turns.

Kara: I think they are more effective at holding your attention, Missy. Didn't you have a teacher you liked?

Auri: Do you teach pregnant women, Auri? I think I'd enjoy your classes as an observer rather than a pupil.

Topiary Cow: I would bask in the glow of your moral support, Ms Cow.

Madame Defarge: You would surely be my star pupil, Madame D. I would ask for input on quite a few topics.

Blockguard: Well it's never too late for evening classes if you tire of being an impostor. I was thinking of something more akin to a picnic than a demonstration.
Im not sure if admitting that all the men in that pic have purchased one of my bedtime stories is actually a recommendation...

Unlike those other more agile young ladies, Im not much of a tree climber, MrB, but Im quite willing to lie around with the rest of the troop and indulge in a little light grooming whilst you talk me through gorilla matters.
I posted about gingers today and I was curious if:

1) There are red-haired gorillas.

2) Gorillas distrut ginger humans.

3) Gorillas distrust orangutans who, to my eye, are sort of the gingers of the ape-world.
I feel a though I've interupted something. An orgy by the looks of things.
Joanna: An enticing offer, Joanna. I'm sure your fingers will give full satisfaction while we discuss jungle etiquette.

Troll Y2K: I don't think ginger humans are untrustworthy. Indeed, their faces often lack the inscrutability for deception. As for orangutans, it all depends on the individual - it would be wrong to generalise about them.

Emerson: Just a friendly canoodle. There's no need to exaggerate for effect.
Actually I teach nurses, doctors, and respiratory therapists how to resuscitate newborns... but if you're ever in town you're welcome to come watch=) That is unless the class became to distracted my having a large male gorilla in class...
Is there a complete list of women whom you would allow to sit on your lap? If so, please provide me with said list as well as 8-gallons of your FINEST lotions. The results will be published in next month's "Journal of Modern Zoophilia."
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