Friday, January 01, 2010

New year's resolution

I’m back in the Congo and pleased to find things much as I left them.

“Anything untoward happen during my absence?” I ask my females.

“Nothing much,” they reply. “We did rout a couple of baboons who tried to get fresh with us.”

“Rout them or rut them?” I inquire facetiously.

They respond to my quip by hooting loudly and thrusting their hips in my direction. It’s their way of showing appreciation of wordplay and repartee.

At the safari camp, the manager tells me of his New Year’s resolution to eat grilled crocodile meat flavoured with marijuana.

“You’re supposed to give things up rather than acquire new vices,” I remark. “And isn’t eating narcotics illegal for humans in this jurisdiction?”

“Not if you force-feed the crocodiles with the dope rather than using it as a seasoning,” he replies. “If the meat tastes good, I’ll serve it to the guests. It could be Africa’s answer to foie gras.”

There seems to be a method in his madness, but I remain unconvinced.

“Force-feeding crocodiles is a technically complex procedure,” I remind him. “And where are you going to put the captured beasts? In the swimming pool?”

“Yes,” he replies. “A crocodile that’s high on grass is incredibly mellow. It genuinely believes that everyone is its buddy. A pothead croc would happily take our guests for piggyback rides around the pool, which would be an added bonus.”

“If it did that the guests would never eat it,” I point out. “They’d also kick up a fuss if you tried to slaughter it for yourself. Humans can be very sentimental about animals they’ve ridden.”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” muses the manager stroking his chin. “We’ll need to have separate pools for the livestock and the pets.”

I utter no more cautionary words about his fanciful scheme. People sometimes have to learn life’s lessons the hard way. A schoolboy won’t stop sliding down a banister until he gets a splinter in his arse.

Of course, the manager’s obsession with gimmicks has blurred his strategic vision. Taming predatory beasts will not be good for the safari business in the long run. After the novelty wears off, tourists will wonder why they didn’t stay at home to cuddle their hamsters or lick their frogs. If people travel five thousand miles to watch an animal behave like a bastard, they don’t want to discover it’s turned over a new leaf and is mincing about like Skippy the Bush Kangaroo. Like it or not, we’re in the business of live-action violence.

The part of the safari experience where there’s really room for improvement is back at the guesthouse, where the visitors have to endure each other’s company. I think we should offer free holidays to people who could entertain the other guests with interesting anecdotes. They wouldn’t even have to be in show business. I’ve recently been following the career of an English gynaecologist called Angus Thomson, who
was sued by one of his patients for giving her orgasms without her consent. After carefully weighing the evidence, the judge dismissed the case.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the lawsuit, he sounds like a man who has lived life to the full, put his finger in many pies, and watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. I’m sure he’d be a very popular conversationalist at the saloon bar.

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Topiary Cow would like to be the first to welcome you back, Gorilla, and tell you how much you were missed!

And yes, the search for a good conversationalist can be daunting, but this gentleman with his fingers in many pies, would be a good start!

Happy New Year!
Bananas seriously....u have to tell us where u get your pictures from????? I mean really la....a woman humping a crocodile
????!!!! LOL!!!

Oh and how and where can i meet the good doctor? :P

Happy New Year luv!
The gynaecologist should start writing his memoirs and name it 'Chronicles of The Adventurous Finger'. This incident, though, reminds me of the poor surgeon, who must earn his high putting his finger in the rectum!
Welcome back to the blogsphere, Mr Bananas!
I'm not sure I'd like to try a toast topped with croc's paté. I'm picky with food as I'm picky with guys. And btw, I loved Skippy.

About the gynaecologist incident... many women in the South Sandwich Islands prefer a female doctor -don't ask me why, but do you think they might be lesbian?-.

Really, I can think of a zillion better places where to get an orgasm, rather than the gynaecologist's practice. (2 in 90 seconds, says the article... hm... that's not a bad record, is it?)

But more than anything: Happy New Year to you & clan!
Ooh! That crocodile ride appears to be quite a stimulating experience - probably earning even more than 2 orgasms in 90 minutes.
And a happy new year to all in the Congo!
Happy New Year GB.
As crocodiles are notoriously unwilling to eat vegetables (hence their complexion) you might have to feed the marijuana to frogs first, and then feed them to the crocs.

Although you could just eat the frogs I suppose.

Or smoke them.
Maybe the woman in that picture should be introduced to the gynaecologist, because humping a crocodile is not the answer.
I'm sure he'll appreciate her assets.
That's a stone crocodile - the biggest hard-on at the pool. And what's with that gal's left ass cheek? An inadvertent tightening of an oblong portion of the gluteus, maybe?
ok, let me get this straight...

A woman gets what she wants...BUT it's 'not' on HER she sues??

HA! Typical woman!

I wish all women were like Dutch Donut girl, she Rocks...and has big titties!
Oh GB... how I've missed your naughty humor!! I know that I would have a terrible time slaughtering something that I'd ridden around... especially bareback;) Unless he was very naughty! That's a different story though... Happy New Year! Glad you're back in the Congo enjoying your females.
Mistress A
Makes sense, I would consent to any orgasm, maybe beg for it...

That's some crocodile picture!

Topiary Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow, it's good to be back. I hope he gets invited onto a few chat shows. I think he deserves it.

Sabrina: I think she's trying to ride it, Saby, but I'm not sure it can take her weight. You'd have to go to England to meet the doctor, but I'm sure other men have similar skills.

Roflindian: I never knew surgeons had to do that. I hope they wear rubber gloves with plenty of lube.

Leni: Happy New Year to you, Leni. The woman claimed she was made to have orgasms against her will, which is an unusual complaint. It makes me wonder how many other women are similarly vulnerable.

Doctor: Thank you, Doctor, and a happy new year to you. I get the impression that the crocodile is receiving much less than it is giving.

Rubbish: The same to you, Mr Rubbish.

The Jules: The manager was trying to create an authentic African dish. Eating frogs would be too French.

Ms Donut: Who know what the answer is, Ms Donut? One day you'll have to tell us what works for you.

Willie: Your powers of observation amaze me, Sir. Are you sure you can tell just by looking?

Blasé: Well she claimed she didn't want what she got. But I agree with you about the Donut girl, she's got everything a woman should have.

Auri: Hello dear Auri, and a happy new year to you. I'm sure you'd forgive any crocodile you rode, even if he was very naughty!

Secretia: I'm sure you would, Ms Secretia.
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
Frogs aren't awfully good at eating their greens, either.

The obvious solution is to feed the dope to wildebeest. The stoned could then be induced to try and cross the crocdile-infested swimming pool, much to the delight of the children in the audience.
So gynaecologists should feed dope to their patients?
It's not only what's going on with my body that gives me an orgasm, it's what's going on in my head. I'd like to meet a man who could make me orgasm "against my will"
Hmmm, I dunno: orgasms, crocodiles, Droitwich Spa.... doesn't anybody blame The Menopause anymore??
Anonymous: Thank you, Anon, I'd like to think there are few golden oldies too. I'll give you the links if you email me.

Kevin: An ingenious idea, but I'm not sure that eating dope-flavoured meat gives one's own meat a similar flavour. We could end up wasting a lot of good pot.

Inkspot: That's just crazy talk, Inkspot. There are places that dope should never go.

Nursemyra: I'm sure you're right, Nursie, but could a gyno know a few tricks you've never encountered?

Gadjo: I think the menopause had a lot to do with the gyno lawsuit, but it doesn't improve the flavour of a crocodile's meat, as far as I know.
I've been looking for a new Gyno...and he has nice ears for gripping, yes?

Happy new year, GB.
leg buckling. That's how her orgasm was described. In 90 seconds as well. Could've been alot worse.
Orgasms against her will!
Bwahahahaha! (*falls off her chair laughing*).
Staying home and licking frogs is much better than gyneacological orgasms, croc riding or engaging in lawsuits. Especially if it's a Sonoran desert toad:
Happy New Year!
Tastes like chicken. Apparently. (Crocodile). I approve of eating reptiles, it justifies the handbags.
Ms OWO: I think you could teach him a lot about a lady's bizness, Ms OWO.

Emerson: Aren't you curious to know how he did it?

Leni: I believe the judge reacted in the same way, Leni.

NOIP: That fellow has a tongue like a lizard, Suzanne! I would guess he's enjoying it more than the toad.

Lady Daphne: Only if you don't eat the skin, milady. Have you ever tried stir-friend handbag? I hear it's a favourite snack in Laos.
The crocs might get a taste for it and.. and.. TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Or something. Become far less scintillating conversationalists for one thing.
that sounds like a terrible idea, piggy back rides on pothead crocodiles, and MARIJUANA INDUCED EATING BINGES are why.
Crocodiles, Gorillas, but no bears? Interesting article.
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