Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Colonel Kooky

An American woman at the safari guesthouse asks me whether Colonel Gaddafi dyes his hair.

“I am not familiar with the contents of his bathroom cabinet, ma’am,” I reply, “but my guess would be that he doesn’t. Mr Gaddafi sleeps in a tent, and humans who favour the camping lifestyle tend to view hair-dying as a decadent affectation.”

“Yeah, it looks like his natural colour,” she agrees. “I always thought he was cute in a kooky kind of way. Back in college I used to have dreams about him.”

“Really? I hope his conduct was gentlemanly.”

“I guess so. I’m like dying of thirst in the desert and Gaddafi drives up in his jeep. He gets out and stares at me while I’m gasping on the ground. Then he puts a bottle of Evian to my lips and says “drink, baby, drink” in this soothing Arab voice. I gulp it down in one go.”

“How very thoughtful of him. Did he do anything else?”

“No, after drinking the water I always wake up and go to the bathroom.

“A wise precaution in the circumstances,” I remark.

She wouldn’t be the first woman to have fallen for Gaddafi’s diabolical charm. His all-female bodyguard detail reputedly adore him. Many have wondered whether those fierce little houris ever visit his tent for a puff on the presidential hookah. My own view is that Gaddafi’s preference for female bodyguards is entirely pragmatic. He doesn’t want some burly fellow throwing him to the ground and shielding his body from would-be assassins. If anyone took a suggestive photo of such an incident, it would be curtains for his political career. The one thing a dictator can never do is get a reputation for taking it up the butt. All the Roman emperors who were exposed as sodomites came to a sticky end soon afterwards.

The turning point in the Libya’s foreign policy came in 1991, when a cabal of old-school Bolsheviks put Gorbachev under house arrest. Unable to contain his glee, Gaddafi sent a congratulatory telegram to the new Soviet junta, lavishing praise on the size of their testicles. He was the only national leader to do so, for a couple of days later the coup plotters were behind bars. This left Gaddafi looking like the biggest chump since Elmer Fudd said “I hate that wabbit!”. Chastened by the experience, he vowed never again to suck up to the fickle Russians, and sucked up to the fickless West instead. To President Clinton, in fact, who was known to appreciate a bit of sucking up.

Almost two decades later, who can deny that Gaddafi has matured with age? Having renounced his military uniform, which made him look like a tin pot dictator, he now wears the more statesmanlike Ali Bongo costume (available at Hamleys Toyshop for 49 pounds sterling). Should I invite him to the jungle for a complimentary safari holiday? I think not. Gaddafi is a nervous, fidgety character who wouldn’t be comfortable near wild animals. The baboons would smell his fear and initiate stalking manoeuvres. It might end in an ugly incident.

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I've always felt that he is one of the weirdest looking fellas i have ever seen!!!

As if God wasn't quite sure what to 'create'!
Hahahahah ha ha ha ha! Special like it! Joke about some sticky ends is reference to penis in mans bottoms and what they like? I know it!! Tickle you behind ears you cute bear - call you Teddy?
Didn't he invite two hundred young Italian women to meet him in Rome and tried to convert them to Islam?

Weird and scary man.

Female bodyguards? Nice.
Oh my goodness. Isn't there a Geneva Convention or something about the cruelty of blue eye shadow? Was sure that was outlawed!
oooh, by the looks of that first pictures, someone's recently taken a photoshop class!

how were your holidays, goranas? filled with spankings and ham, i hope.

gorillas eat ham, right?
soothing Arab voice... fierce little houris... I hate that wabbit!... Ali Bongo” I was initially transported to my own version of a scene from David Lean's Lawrence of Arabia, but then the illusion gradually wore off...
I think you should invite Gaddafi down to your neck of the err.. jungle.

If he brings the bodyguards, surely it would be worth it to get a little gossip from them about the nature of his habits, and whether or not he he has attempted an unauthorised breach of their borders.
I don't know much of anything about foreign affairs. But I do know that fucker is ugly.
Female bodyguards, eh? Bring me the one on the right - the proud bitch with the fire in her eye.
If I had female bodyguards I would be constantly tempted to taunt them, hopefully resulting in a wrestle and some handcuffs.

And a promotion.
Troll Fun Facts:

Homosexual behavior among North African Arab Muslib BOYS is about 3 times as common as is the norm. Only the normal percentage STAY homosexual as teens/adults, of course.
To each her own I guess... I dig the female bodyguards though... I think I ought to have a few just in case. And maybe an extra costume of theirs just for giggles=)
The Welsh exchequer of the future will depend upon a steady stream of masochists and Robert Fisk heading to Cardiff in order to antagonise and be punished by the phalanx of short, busty Italian women in cycling shorts who will make up the traffic police.
Gaddafi Smaffi....I just want to 'stand at attention' with the woman in the foreground wearing the red hat and luscious lips...
When he was much younger I always thought he looked like a meaner version of either Imran Khan, Colombo, or even Billy Mackenzie. I wonder if he rotates his bodyguards like Hugh Hefner does with his Playgirls.
Has Hef still got the energy to rotate his bunnies? It would probably be kinder if they rotated him.
It's the charm of power and money, Mr Bananas, it can't be anything else, because the guy is ugly as a hatful of as*h*les.

Let the ugly ones display their invisible charms... they can be really dangerous. Much more than the handsome.

You have to look at people with the heart, said the fox to the Little Prince... but that's another story. ;)
Great photo of Gadaafi. Did you know that his bodyguards are virgins, all 40 of them. One even gave her life throwing herself in front of him when someone opened fire.
Sabrina: But can weird be sexy, Saby? Like the bald fella you're fond of?

Mu Tai Dong: That is very coarse language for a Chinese lady, Ms Dong.

Donut girl: Did he really, Ms Donut? I never thought he was that religious.

Topiary Cow: It's all part of the camp image, Ms Cow.

Kara: I didn't photoshop it, Missy, I got it fresh from google. Ham is non-kosher for gorillas, but I did have a nice holiday, thank you for asking.

Gadjo: A great movie, Gadjo. I'm sorry I wasn't able to sustain the illusion.
Mosha: That is a very good idea, provided the bodyguards left their guns at home. We don't need girls with guns in the jungle.

Ms OWO: He was prettier in his youth. I think he'd like to teach you how to use his AK47.

Circus Monkey: Haha, very good movie quote! Do you think her lips would be hot?

The Jules: But as their job would be to protect you, they might turn the other cheek. Which would be less fun.

Troll Y2K: No surprise there, given that the girls are off limits.

Auri: You should dress up as a bodyguard once in while just to see what the pregnant women think. It might be an easy way to induce labour.
Mr Boyo: How will you get the Italian women to move to Wales? If only the Cymru Rouge had a charismatic leader in the Gaddafi mould.

Blasé: Be careful, she might return fire.

Indie Pop: I'm sure he does, even bodyguards need time off to wash their hair. Does Gaddafi look a bit like Columbo?

Kevin: Rotate him in the other direction, you mean? It must be easier for Hef to have sex that way.

Leni: You could be right, Leni, and don't forget the power of ideas. I think he authored a little green book of clever aphorisms.

Rubbish: I suppose that dedicating your life to Gaddafi is a bit like becoming a nun. Are they proven virgins or do we have to take their word for it?
Ugly incident? How ugly is the big question.
"All the Roman emperors who were exposed as sodomites came to a sticky end soon afterwards." --> giggle
I always confuse the old Colonel and Mrs Slocombe. It must have been the eye shadow. Hard to tell them apart sometimes.
At first glance, I thought it was some weird impersonator of the Queen! Perhaps he is modelling himself on one of the more successul and longterm heads of state...?

As to the female bodyguard, I can see his thinking. Men are so much more susceptible to looking the other way for the chance of making a quick buck...
Sorry, my fingers dont seem to be working properly today. Must be the cold!
Snoopy the Goon: Uglier than the Hairy Hag of Hagsville. The baboons would use Gaddafi's face as a pouffe.

Borah: Is there some kind of double meaning in that, Deb?

Madame Defarge: An easy mistake to make, Madame D. The blue tinge in Mrs Slocombe hair is probably the best way of telling them apart.

Joanna: Quite right, Joanna, they lack the fierce loyalty that women are capable of. You could have been a bodyguard yourself, couldn't you?
Not a bad idea... some of them really require a little tough love and that would be the perfect outfit!
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