Friday, December 04, 2009

A wayward drive

I’m glad to hear that Tiger Woods has taken full responsibility for crashing his car into a fire hydrant. Good thing he didn’t use the old “gopher on the windscreen” excuse that made Gary Player look like such a prat. Quite rightly, he has refused to be questioned by the police about it. I bet those nosey parkers were just dying to ask him whether his wife really chased him out of the house. One thing we gorillas never do is taunt an alpha male about the evasive manoeuvres he uses against his enraged females. If you haven’t lived through it, you're in no position to judge.

Now Tiger’s wife, Elin, is a petite blonde from Sweden. It was supposedly an incriminating text message that prompted her to grab a sand wedge and attempt a bunker shot on her husband’s groin. Who knew that Swedish women could be so shrewish? I don’t remember Agnetha and Frida of ABBA making a big hullabaloo when their hobbit-faced husbands ran off to cavort with groupies. If you ask me, she entered this marriage with unrealistic expectations. If ever there was a wife who was destined to get cheated on, it was Mrs Tiger Woods.

“Miss Elin,” I would have cautioned her before her wedding. “You may be the cutest blonde in history, but Tiger Woods is the Emperor of Golf. And the emperor always has concubines."

Fingers crossed, this squall will soon blow over. I just hope Tiger hasn’t been swinging his 3-wood at the wife of one of his rivals. The one thing a golfer can never do is cuckold a fellow player, which might result in unthinkable argy-bargy on the fairway. Tiger is probably tough enough to defend himself, but the sight of him engaged in fisticuffs would sicken and demoralise all lovers of the game. Let’s hope he was smart enough to populate his harem with actresses and lap dancers rather than golfers’ wives.

The major tournaments are always on at the safari guesthouse when Tiger is playing. I was glued to my seat watching the PGA in August, even though the cheeky little Korean chappie overtook him to win in the end. I told the manager that Tiger needed a good logo to convey his spirit to the public.

“Yes, yes!” he agreed excitedly. “He should use the tiger in The Jungle Book cartoon as his logo! He was so funny, like an upper class Englishman!”

“Don’t be absurd!” I snapped. “Shere Khan was a seriously weird cat with an unhealthy obsession about the man-cub. That scrawny little tyke would have barely been a mouthful for him. If he had to eat anyone, it should have been the bear, who could have provided him with a banquet. I would have enjoyed watching him sink his fangs into that big hairy arse.”

The manager sucked his teeth thoughtfully, perhaps surprised by my strong views on the subject. I later decided that Woody Woodpecker would be best cartoon logo for Tiger Woods. There’s something about his rapid-fire beak that seems right for a champion golfer. Let’s suppose Tiger walks on to the green with Woody on his shoulder. He putts his ball and it’s right on line, but veers off at the last second. So Woody flies off and drills another hole for the ball to fall into. Perfect!

Yes, Woody Woodpecker has an annoying laugh, but what of it? There is no shortage of people in the world who deserve to be laughed at annoyingly.

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"I don’t remember Agnetha and Frida of ABBA making a big hullabaloo when their hobbit-faced husbands ran off to cavort with groupies"

that's because they could vent through song; one of the best known relaxants
The Swedes are a constant source of disappointment. The Norwegians and Danes should put them on a final warning - anymore moping and we're kicking you out of Scandanavia. You can become Russians or something, or a gloomy kind of Dutchman.

I liked the white-haired monkey whom King Louie chased around. Reminded me of the late, great Charles Wheeler. Did you know him?
Public apologies for sex 'scandals' always make me flinch (ok, sometimes I laugh). I know it's just PR but keep it to yourself people! Tiger Wood(s) has apparently been swinging his 'golf club' for a long time now. He just cannot be satisfied with only a hole in one.

There isn't an ABBA song that I can't sing, I know every word to every song. Thanks grandma, it's a great 'skill' to have.
Gloomy kind of Dutchman?! Have you been drinking?
If women would just think logically instead of via emotions, they'd be better prepared for the reality of life and its possibilities.

I hope their marriage is more secure than to have it ruined by a human error.
Ooh soo much as i wanted to kill her when she took him off the market, i was always rooting for this couple to last.
LOL @ blase
Surely Tony the Tiger off of the Frosties packet - "they're grrrreat!! - is the best logo for Mr Woods, who he needs to take himself less seriously.
Not his fault.

A rich bloke is bound to pull when he goes clubbing.
Kiki: I remember that song well, but it seemed more wistful than angry.

Mr Boyo: The ABBA boys once said that Swedes actually found sadness pleasurable in some weird way. No wonder they had no guilt about fooling around.

Ms Donut: Every song, Ms Donut? That's very impressive! I think I'd like to hear you sing Chiquitita.

Blasé: "Why can't a woman be more like a man," as Henry Higgins said. Possibly because of her vagina.

Sabrina: She may yet forgive him, Saby. Are you the jealous type?

Gadjo: Tony the Tiger had a great personality, but I fear he was too clumsy to be a golfer's logo. Tiger should nevertheless have Frosties for breakfast as a mark of respect.

The Jules: Yes, I'm sure he attracts women like a sackful of cash. I wonder what presents he has given his concubines.
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright,
In thine Escalade at night,
What didst thy lovely spouse espy
Thine iron thus to misapply?
Maybe she had the Debbie McGee Syndrome. Or maybe TW was just practicing his swinging techinque.
More and more woman are saying they were with him now.

In the light of the numerous recent sex scandals, why do celebs persist in thinking they will never get caught? When you do everything under the gaze of the world's paps, it's impossible to think that anything even vaguely naughty won't become common knowledge very quickly... and in a huge blaze of publicity.
I think the tabloids should give the poor guy a break; he is just a little too obsessed with holes.
L'empereur des golfeurs a des concubines , au moins 18 !!! Pour faire un bon parcours , du départ jusqu'au trou en la frappant de un ou de plusieurs coups successifs conformément aux Règles :)

The emperor of the golfers has common law wives, at least 18!!! To make a good course, of departure up to the hole by hitting her of one or several successive blows in accordance with Rules :)
A very good publicity stunt, no GB? I mean his next golfing event is going to be a sold out!


Ana: Haha! That's brilliant, although I had to look up what an an Escalade is. I think we know the answer to the question now. So many gossips have spoken, alas!

Madame: If only she did have the Debbie McGee syndrome, Madame D. She might have been rather more philosophical about the whole thing. She seemed to believe she was Cinderella.

Secretia: Yes, they're all coming out of the boudoir now. I suppose they all want their 15 minutes of fame.

Joanna: French politicians seem to be good at keeping their mistresses secret, Joanna. And what about Richard Branson?

Doctor: I hope he didn't practice his putting with them, that would be too kinky.

Crabbers: You carry your metaphor to extremes, mon ami!

Nothingman: Let's wait and see. I wonder if anyone will boo him now.
Est-ce un reproche ?

Is this a reproach ?
Boyo may be interested to know that one of the lovely daughters of the late great Charles Wheeler lives just round the corner from me, and is the BBC's Europe correspondent. Her sister is Mrs Boris Johnson.

As for Tiger Woods, I am glad to see he has some vices, he should win the Sports Non-Personality of the Year Award. As Mick Hucknall once said: beautiful, but oh so boring.
When confronted by a hole-in-one, Tiger got wood, and so that makes this Tiger a Cheeta.

I believe the moral of this story is: Tiger should have stuck to playing with his balls.
In the South Sandwich Islands we have this saying: "Good perfume and poison come in small bottles".

The angry petite Swedish must have had it up to here with being cheated on, but hey, these are the risks of marrying the Emperor.

I never believed the first version of the story: she used the golf clubs to break the windshield after the car crash and take Tiger out of the car to give him first aid. She must have given him a good hiding.

That's good marketing for the next tournament!
You gorillas are such overbearing bullies. No class. No finesse. And your hopeless on tricycles too! And, no, I'm not telling you where I live.
I highly doubt she's the cutest blonde in history.

And golf sucks. It's the most boring sport ever invented. The only thing it's good for is sex euphemisms.
(making a mental note that "gopher on the windscreen" is the best and most widely applicable excuse EVER!)

No problem with groupies--his business, and his wife's. The problem is with his "family man" wholesome image.

I could tell you a story about the blonde from ABBA but I'll save it for another day.
Crabbers: Mais non! Une observation!

Lady Daphne: Small world, milady. Does she get on with her brother-in-law? I think you should do a bit of hobnobbing.

Static: Wouldn't it be great if all his concubines got together and compared notes? Hef should invite them to the mansion.

Leni: She's no Jackie Kennedy, is she? I think she should auction the club she attacked him with. It would pay for her own apartment.

Circus monkey: Such resentment for a little ape. Did your mother feed you crab apples or something?

Ms OWO: So who is the cutest blonde ever, Ms OWO? Apart from you, that is.

Topiary Cow: That image has been shattered for ever, Ms Cow. I wonder if more women will try to seduce him now.

Rubbish What a tease you are. I hope it involves her posterior.
I think that Tiger should stop being all polite about it, and just waltz out the house proclaiming 'I'm the man' with all of the ladies in his harem hanging off his arm. That would make golf more interesting.
It would indeed, Miss Brooke, but I fear that his wife has beaten him to the punch.
Hopefully she'll have her public revenge soon, after the example Hilary Clinton's attention for David Miliband.

(I'm still waiting for the day Posh finds a worthy male equivalent of Rebecca Loos, Beck's Dutch girlfriend)
@ Mr. Bananas - Yes, another man overcompensating for something he lacks.

I believe if both of their concubines compared notes, it would read: "It was this big ' __ ' (actual size)"
Borah: The best revenge would be sleeping with another golfer, but I doubt she's got the appetite for it.

Static: Hah, stop pretending to be such a feminist. As if you wouldn't have.
@ Gorilla B - Nope..I was not strictly referring to feminist views; more towards monogamous ones.
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