Monday, December 14, 2009

Smack the dragon

Great things are happening in China. The people there are hustling around making money in new and inventive ways. A gym instructor from the northern city of Shenyang is renting himself out as a human punch-bag for enraged women.

“I have to make them promise not to use their shoes,” he explained.

I would have thought their teeth are more dangerous. They’re the first weapon a female gorilla would use, and lady primates are cut from the same cloth in the rendition of sadistic violence. I hope he hires an experienced fight medic like Ferdie Pacheco to oversee proceedings. As well as patching him up between bouts, the great doctor would throw a towel over the woman’s head if she went totally berserk and reached for his testicles. In my experience, the Queensbury rules are never observed in mixed-gender mêlées.

His business idea is ingenious, but he’s not thinking big enough. A woman will only pay so much for the pleasure of thrashing a man soundly. To rake in the big bucks he’s got to stage these events in a stadium full of paying spectators. For all their entrepreneurial flair, the Chinese still have much to learn from Jerry Springer and the other giants of Western capitalism.

When I mentioned this story at the safari camp, the guests were surprised that Chinese women were capable of such pent-up rage. Were they not demure little wallflowers who tip-toed around pagodas bringing tourists green tea? A verbose Welshman argued that the source of their frustration was the inability of their menfolk to satisfy them in bed.

“Your typical Chinaman behaves like a panda when obtaining gratification from a lady,” he declared. “He eats, shoots and leaves – it’s the ancient Confucian tradition.”

I suspect he was projecting. The Golden Lotus and other erotic classics of Chinese literature suggest they are a nation well versed in the sensual arts. My favourite of the canon is The Tender Beansprout, in which the cunning adventurer Ho-Dong brings the virginal Princess Ping-Na to ecstasy by the subtle use of his fingertips. With such a rich cultural heritage, there is no excuse for the men of China to poke about like pandas.

Now the booming dragon economy isn’t to everyone’s liking. Last summer, I saw a martial arts display by a team of Shaolin monks on a world tour. They performed amazing stunts, such as snapping bricks in half with their bald heads. After the show, I had a chat with the chief bonze.

“Master Woo,” I said, “your bodily feats are truly wondrous. But shouldn’t you be living a quiet monastic life, speaking in profound riddles and calling your disciples ‘grasshopper’?”

“Times have changed, my dear Gorilla,” he replied. “Our students will leave if we make them rest on wooden planks and feed them tofu and cabbage. Today, we must provide posturepedic mattresses and stir-fried squid in black bean sauce. All of which costs money.”

“In that case, Master Woo, you should hire a troupe of baboons to demonstrate the infallible techniques of your ancient order. They are easy to train and don’t understand the value of money. You could pay them in nuts and ginseng.”

Master Woo smiled inscrutably and bowed, obviously impressed by my astute suggestion. A free-market economy is truly a marvellous thing if someone else is doing all the work.

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I'm editing a 100-page document and I would appreciate a human punch-bag righ now. He better watch out for my side kicks, though.

I eat, kick and leave.
I remember when David Carradine had that 'panda' like demeanor as the 'Grasshopper' on "Kung Fu".

He taught me that "Things are not always what they appear to be"..whenever he would open up a can of Whupass on some American Cowboy hick.
Those inscrutable Chinese, and the demure and shy, well mannered Japanese get up to some amazing stunts. Are you familiar with this one ?
If I had to pay to beat him up, it wouldn't have the same level of satisfaction.
That is a horrible way to make money.
Agree with Secretia....besides Berlusconi apparently does it for nothing...
A woman slaps you around and then pays you for the privilege? After 44 years of futile searching, I think I may have finally found a career.

A verbose Welshman, hmmm? It can only have been that Boyo of ill repute.
Donut girl: That's a terrible task to have, Ms Donut. I think your line manager needs a good kicking.

Blasé: I'm glad you appreciated his oriental wisdom. Do you remember the episode when he got laid?

Aydale: That's not an orgy in the true Roman sense, because the couples aren't interacting. They do seem to be enjoying it though.

Ms OWO: There surely must be men who would let you do it for free. Would you rather wrestle or box?

Secretia: I dare say it is, unless you're a masochist.

Topiary Cow: Have you never had the urge to biff someone, Ms Cow?

Indie: I'm certain Boyo has never visited the Congo, he's too scared of the jungle. He's more of a desert-loving Welshman of the Near East.
That slight on the sexual prowess of the oriental male was, I am sure, an invitation to revisit the famous Hokusai woodcut of sexual relations with seafood.
MrB, I have my own punchbag which sits in a corner of the spare room waiting for my attentions.

In truth, the majority of today's martial artists really do not want to go through the rigours of learning properly. They are content to march up and down a dojo (school hall) uniformly punching the air and kiai-ing. A lot of aerobic exercise, but no real self-defence knowledge gained. The object is to obtain a 'black belt' and then move on to something else, not realising that black belt actually signifies beginner, which is when the real work starts...

Rant over... :)
Mr. GB -- You think he's not thinking big enough... I just think he's not big enough. Maybe it's his defensive crouch in the photo, but he hardly seems sturdy enough to take the number of onslaughts which would be required per day to earn even a modest living. And I don't want to hear that his opponents are tiny... some of the fiercest animals on the planet are small in stature -- have you ever owned a terrier?
There'd be no more trouble in the world if the Shaolin monks were in chrage - just like when Reggie and Ronnie ruled the East End (except you probably wouldn't be able to get a decent cup of PG Tips).
Oh my, this is the collapse of so many myths.

I thought the Chinese ladies were sweet and delicate like lotus flowers, but that doesn't seem to be true.

I saw Oshima’s “In the realm of the senses” and thought Far Eastern lovers were awesome, but now I hear from you that Chinese guys are lousy in bed. Even more, they don’t even know the fine arts of fingertipping their female partners...

And last, but not least: the young Shaolin monks have become posh and delicate.

To what point will we fall?
I think the guy is indulging in a bit of masochism in the garb of entrepreneurship.
I suppose there's easier ways to make a living but I somehow think this guy probably enjoys his job.
Anything special planned for Xmas in the Congo GB?
Lady Daphne: Yes, indeed, milady, that octopus had a taste for oriental sauces and condiments.

Joanna: 'Martial arts' are a gweilo concept. For the shaolin monk, kung fu is inseparable from his spiritual education.

Ana: I've never owned a terrier, Ana, but I've worked with dwarves in the circus. There is much in what you say.

Gadjo: They'd offer visitors green tea rather than PG Tips, but they wouldn't engage in violence unless severely provoked. They are like gorillas in that respect.

Leni: We don't really know how good Chinese men are in bed, Leni. Never trust the word of a Welshman in such matters.

Doctor: Or maybe he's just hard up. I wonder how much he charges?

Rubbish: I'll be visiting Dr Whipsnade in London for Christmas. You might find me in the Regents Park area.
I really don't see the point of this. Why get a team of baboons? They'd run off and claim asylum at the first opportunity and make a mess everywhere.
is old story called about by being then the Emperor! I the baboon had it on menu see blog for recipes for baboons, chimps and gorillas!
That's crazy. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves? That's crazy. I'm sure there are easier ways to make money, but this is surely creative.
the guests were surprised that Chinese women were capable of such pent-up rage

centuries of foot binding pents some shit up.
I thought it was mainly English public school boys who went in for that sort of thing ;-)
I'm going to go with wrestle. Unless I'm drinking vodka.
I'm wondering how much money that guy made. And how many women offered to beat him daily.

If the guy were a masochist, he might be making money as well as having fun too :P

Madame Defarge: Not if you promise them nuts and ginseng, Madame D. Like most monkeys, baboons are susceptible to bribery.

Mu Tai Dong: I'm surprised you're talking about baboons when I mentioned The Golden Lotus. Have you not read it?

Secret Agent: It's a bit like acting without have to remember any lines. Are there any girls you'd allow to hit you?

Kara: That supposedly hasn't happened for generations, but there must be plenty of other things that enrage Chinese women. Cleaning dirty chopsticks, for example.

Nursemyra: They pay for it rather than charging, Nursie.

Ms OWO: I was hoping you'd say that. I think it would be more enjoyable for both of you.

Nothingman: Maybe, but if he does every day he'll stop enjoying it. It's like eating too much of your favourite food.
No of course not - is you stupid?
It's a sad commentary when men pay for sex and women pay to commit domestic violence. Sex and violence should be given away for free, like God intended.
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