Wednesday, December 09, 2009

A scholarship application

A university student called Amanda DeZilva has sent me the following email:

Dear Mr Bananas

I have been trying to sell a kiss for £10,000 to fund my masters degree in England. The highest bid I received on e-Bay was only £500. I have been reading your blog and you seem like a generous ape who likes to look after females. Would you be interested in sponsoring me?

Sincere regards


I am always intrigued to hear from my secret readers. Last year, I got an email from a fellow who wanted to be squeezed by a female gorilla. Women wrestlers and body-builders just weren’t doing it for him. When I explained that my females would probably break his bones, he said it was exactly what he wanted. Did you ever hear of such madness! I naturally refused to collude in the satisfaction of his grotesque and macabre craving. Gorilla Bananas does not cater for the fetishes of the lone nut. What would we have done with him afterwards?

An application for financial support is quite mundane by comparison. A bit of googling has enabled me to
confirm the veracity of Ms DeZilva’s story. It seems that she has refrained from kissing anyone for a whole year to make her lips more appealing. All the same, ten thousand pounds sterling seems a hefty price for one smooch. I’m sure courtesans such as the lovely Miss Brooke would kiss a client until her lips were numb for half that amount of money. Indeed, she would probably insist on doing it in the nude with her hand on his groin to uphold professional standards.

While I am pleased that Ms DeZilva has been reading my blog, and has acquired an appreciation of my chivalrous nature in doing so, I’m not convinced of her argument that I should be her benefactor. “What’s in it for me?” would be a curt response to her request. She is surely aware that a gorilla does not play kissy-face with human females. I suppose if I visited her in England she might call me ‘Uncle Bananas’ and let me feed her sweets by hand. An agreeable intimacy to be sure, but not something I am in the habit of paying for.

All the same, I think I should offer her something for her trouble. One does not want to be denounced as a hairy Scrooge with the Christmas season looming. Perhaps I’ll send her a souvenir from my circus days. One of the goosing batons I used on the clowns ought to fetch a handsome sum on e-Bay. Who knows, she might even keep it as a memento of our correspondence.

I will also advise Amanda to put a few more goods on the table in her own fund-raising activities. Enticing though her lips may be, the paying customer expects a lot more for his money these days. I wouldn’t give a woman my cash unless she offered me an evening of song and dance, followed by a bedtime story.

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I'm thinking that, for £500, I would expect a hell of a lot more than a kiss from the lady.

She'd have to re-tile my roof and service my car.
I'm going to be nice..this time, and keep my mouth shut
don't really know where i stand on the whole "selling bodily functions for money" issue. my first inclination is toward scrunching up my face in disgust, but then i think about what would happen if i really wanted a pony or something. things to think about.
Hmmm.... not to be unkind, but I'm wondering how difficult it was for her to "refrain" from kissing for one year?
i love William Wonga's comment

he could have worded it better though
I suppose if I visited her in England she might call me ‘Uncle Bananas’ and let me feed her sweets by hand. An agreeable intimacy to be sure, but not something I am in the habit of paying for.

I'm going to add this to my Christmas wishlist. Being hand fed sweets and calling you "Uncle Bananas". :)
"Enticing though her lips may be, the paying customer expects a lot more for his money these days. I wouldn’t give a woman my cash unless she offered me an evening of song and dance, followed by a bedtime story..."

One with, I hope an appropriate happy ending...
A kiss from a beautiful woman is worth more than rubies, of course, but what is the means of delivery? Maybe she's not thought this one out. Unlike Dr Brooke, whose scientific training shines through.
The Jules: You'd really let her near your car? What if she pour oil into the wrong place? The roof tiles she could definitely handle.

Blasé: If you want to be even nicer, you could make a bid for her kiss on e-Bay. It's in a good cause, so your wife will forgive you.

Kara: How many beers did a guy have to buy you before you'd let him kiss you? I'm talking about the days before you were a good girl, of course.

Ana: Well, there's always some fella who's desperate for a snog... as many women will find out this Christmas.

Kiki: Willy Wonga sounded very bitter to me. Like a man who wanted to marry a virgin but ended up with a slut.

Sally: The pleasure would be mine, Sally, but I'm not going to jump down your chimney in a red costume.

Ayrdale: With any luck I'd fall asleep before the ending, but the gist of your argument is correct. I wouldn't want to have nightmares from listening to a story in which evildoers prosper.

Inkspot: I expect she'll lie down like sleeping beauty and let the man do all the work. Do you mean "Dr Brooke" or "Miss Brooke"? They are different ladies.
for £10,000, You would at least expect a few steamy sessions, a gorilla head massage, reflexology, lots of yummy cooked dinners and to keep you warm at night.

One kiss? I bet it would be a peck n' all.
That belly-dancing lady looks fun. Does she work in a Turkish restaurant?
If she could sell kisses for ten grand why does she need a masters degree?

I don't think she's bright enough to do a masters in the first place if she can't figure that one out.
I could use some cash myself. I do a mean sprinkler and sometimes, if I'm drunk enough, I can make it look like I know how to do the worm.
Someone bid £500?!? What's next?

"Virgin girl willing to have your baby and be a sex slave for a month to highest bidder"

What kind of bedtime story?
Good Night, Gorilla?
I don't even have the £ symbol on my keyboard. (Copy pasted the one above :P )

That woman in the pic on top is ugly. She might have to pay a lot of money to someone for kissing her :P

I second Nothingman. It may sound not politically correct, but only Scarlett Johanson or Nicole Kidman -just to mention 2 superglamourous women- would be able to sell a kiss for 10.000 £ -symbol also copypasted, btw-. And these ladies never needed a masters degree.

I predict she will have to do something else and real good if she wants to get the 10.000. Send her over if she needs to know what.

Sorry but this lady's hair is downright dreadful.

Cow worked her way through her graduate education and suggests this lady should do the same.

Or she should learn a useful trade---why, if she started now on the sacred art of Topiary Trimming perhaps she could give herself a better hairdo!
Cake Girl: Do you think she knows how to give a good head-massage, Cake Girl? I think her hands might be too delicate.

Lady Daphne: I very much hope so, milady!

Rachel: I think she fancies herself as an intellectual, Rach. She wants people to admire her brain as well as her lips.

Ms OWO: Do you give free samples? I'd like to have a look at that worm of yours.

Donut Girl: I like bedtime stories about gorillas who travel on flying carpets, throwing down popcorn to the cheering human masses.

Nothingman: She should have asked for gold instead of cash, it would have projected a sexier image.

Leni: She's telling people it's a groundbreaking social experiment in the hope of attracting some rich guy who wants his name to be mentioned in a dissertation.

Topiary Cow: It's the wild Latin look, Ms Cow. It's how a woman might look after dancing the tango and tossing her head all night.
Yes, a highly gratuitous yet pleasing use of belly dancer photos. But 10 grand for a kiss to fund her education?? I'd give Miss DeZilva the education in exchance for the kiss, take it or leave it, I can't say fairer than that.
That was quite the appeal the woman wrote, but your response was very fitting too.
10k for a kiss. I'd want 9,990 quid change for blow job, let alone a bloody kiss.
I go ahead and tell people the meaning of life for free. Something's not right here!
Bed Time Story- Oh, I see The Kama Sutra.

Merry Christmas and will visit soon once I sober up from Mexico in the New Year.
I'm a bit confused. I mean what kind of lips are on sale here, at such a hefty price?
is it the top ic or the bottom? For the lady with the hefty belly I am happy to pay 10,000 - as I am sure she has had no better offers and as you know I am one of life's lucky people!
Gadjo: Could you really educate her single-handed? You must be a man of many talents.

Secretia: Thank you, Miss, I try to deal sensitively with such requests.

Emerson: What a cheapskate you are!

Suzanne: Well quite. I suggest you make a study of the Maharishi's business model.

Tarf: Hello, Mr Tarf! The Kama Sutra is very informative but not much of a story. I doubt it would give me sweet dreams.

Doctor: What kind of lips would you like to kiss, Doctor?

Mutley: She has plenty of offers, you silly mutt! She wouldn't shake that beautiful belly for nothing.
Being an uneducated american, I have no idea what £10,000 really is. But she's a bit frightful. The photo doesn't even show a redeeming rack.
Bananas, no, but if she wasn't too educated before she met me then she wouldn't realise that I couldn't ;-)
I've got two sets of lips that haven't been kissed for two years. Perhaps I should charge pay-per-view on corset fridays
Your very own stalker, congrats GB.
Yes this Amanda DeZilva seems a trifle naive - Tiger Woods is offering his penis to anyone who wants it - and he is worth a billion dollars and no doubt even buys his ladies the occasional drink, meal or even jewelry. I'd suggest she at least throw in a lap dance.
I shall rehearse my story telling and long for the day when I might whisper something educational into your ears. And I shall also practice my Highland fling for the dancing part of the entertainment. I shall feel just like Molly Weir.
How much for her to kiss the belly-dancing lady? By the side of a swimming pool would be nice. Then they accidentally fall in, and have to take off their wet clothes.

There's a film in that.
Hoodchick: Her rack isn't on offer, so showing it would only serve to frustrate.

Gadjo: I still think you'd be down on the deal. Even a flawed education takes time.

Nursemrya: You show plenty that's kissable, Nursie, but never a pair of lips.

Rubbish: I can handle it. It's better than being stalked by a lion.

Madame Defarge: And I shall wait patiently for your performance, Madame Defarge.

Mr Boyo: It all depends on how much acting they'd have to do. We might get them quite cheaply if the chemistry was right.
"I wouldn’t give a woman my cash unless she offered me an evening of song and dance, followed by a bedtime story."
You set the standard, GB :-) That's just what I'd want myself (but I suspect that anyone willing to be paid to do so wouldn't be very good at stories...)
Why Mr Bananas, thank you for the lovely plug there! My lips are indeed much more luscious and a fraction of the price... x
Eve: I would certainly read you a bedtime story with asking for anything in return, Eve.

Brooke: I'm sure your lips are worth every penny it costs to kiss them, Brooke.
It seems that she has refrained from kissing anyone for a whole year to make her lips more appealing.

I can get 500 quid for this?
Not necessarily, Chris. It depends how good a kisser you are.
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