Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas lawsuits

I arrive in London for Christmas and decamp at Dr Whipsnade’s residence. During an afternoon stroll in Regents Park, I see a man in dark glasses and a grey fur coat, feeding the waterfowl what appear to be pickled onions. On nearing I recognise him as my old circus chum, Bernie Anus, and greet him affectionately:

“Bernie, you enormous bumhole!” I exclaim. “What the devil are you feeding those ducks?”

“Nothing you would you enjoy, you hairy-arsed hulk!” he replies amiably.

After this exchange of pleasantries, we repair to a nearby pub to renew our old camaraderie.

“Bartender!” I cry. “A tankard of your finest ale for my friend, Mr Anus! I will have a glass of pineapple juice, if you please.”

I ask Bernie how the clowning business is going.

“It’s mostly children’s birthday parties these days,” he says. “It pays OK when I’m not being sued.”

“Who on God’s Green Earth would want to sue you, Bernie?”

“Last summer I had a birthday gig in The Dorchester,” he explains. “When I walked into the lobby in my costume, a little dog jumped on my shoe and tried to nip my ankle. So I removed a can of spray-paint from my jacket and dyed its head green. It ran off whimpering.”

“That taught the little varmint!” I snigger. “What happened then?”

“Nothing at first. I went to the kiddies’ party and did my act to huge acclaim. But when I was leaving I got collared by a couple of policemen. It turned out that the dog belonged to some snooty old cow with a title. Lady Magnolia Handjob, wife of the Earl of Wank, or words to that effect. They took me in for questioning but released me without charge.”

“I should hope so! I couldn’t imagine a clearer case of self-defence.”

“Indeed. But soon afterwards I got a summons to appear in court to answer a civil suit. Lady Magnolia was seeking damages for the physical and emotional pain inflicted on her precious mutt, as well as the cost of cleaning its head.”

“Did you abscond? I would have given you sanctuary in the Congo if you’d asked.”

“Oh I turned up all right, and in my business suit too. His Worship took one look at me and said ‘You’re not giving evidence in my court wearing that ridiculous costume!’. So I looked him up and down and replied:
‘You’re a fine one to talk!’. He fined me for contempt and I had to pay Her Ladyship five thousand as well.”

“What can I say, Bernie? The law is a rectal probe for the rich and powerful to use on the hapless peons they oppress. May this Lady Magnolia and her vile pooch fall into a barrel of monkey piss.”

“Thank you, GB. I would have called you as a character witness if you’d been here.”

That evening, I reflect on
another case in which a wealthy woman has bent the law to her will. Jennifer Lopez has persuaded a judge to issue an injunction preventing her former husband from releasing a tape of their marital frolics. It seems that he and Ms Lopez enacted a spanking scene when relations between them were still cordial.

Yet the ruling did not stop her ex-husband from publishing a transcript of the dialogue, mere gossip not yet being illegal. As luck would have it, a reliable source has provided me with a copy of this document. In normal circumstances, I would respect the intellectual property rights of Ms Lopez and keep it to myself. But Christmas is a time to share, as well as to redress the inherent biases of the legal system. A short excerpt is given below.

J-Lo: Oh, I’m such a naughty girl!

Ex: Thwack!

J-Lo: Don’t stop until I’ve learned my lesson!

Ex: Thwack!

J-Lo: Make my big ass red!

Ex: Thwack!

J-Lo: Smack me hard, Dr Badfinger!

Ex: Thwack.

I like the ‘Dr Badfinger’ line best. It shows imagination.

The Japing Ape wishes his readers a Merry Christmas and will return at the start of the New Year.

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There is nothing like topping off present giving to the wife at Christmas, as with a spanking...

Best wishes, Peace, Joy, etc
All I know is I am owed some money and if I don't get it I am going to go batshit ape on some people.

So please pass on this message to them:

pay up or shut up!

(I have absolutely no problem shutting every motherfucker down if I don't get the money which is rightfully owed to me. You know who you are!)
Merry Christmas Mr Bananas!
My bum felt sore reading this post!
And what exactly is that teddy-bear doing in your pic of J-Lo?
My my! Cow is extremely happy after reading this, most heartening and entertaining, Christmas post!

Cow wishes Gorilla a fantastic holiday and hopes that a wayward Topiary freshens his path!

Holiday Moo!
Merry Xmas luv!
Merry Xmas luv!
I like J-Lo's cute underwear. Thwack!

I wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year!
Merry christmas Mr. Bananas, and a very happy new year to you. May all the pretty female gorillas in Congo fall for you this new year!
I liked "Make my big ass red". Hahahaha. Although I feel she'd be a bit of a DOM in real life. Probably into punching her partners while in the act. Scary.

Although I agree with Donut Girl - nice undies. Chaste and sexy all at once.
I am worried about the rest of the Anus family - Dick, Phil, Buster and the kids Noah and Holly...
Merry Christmas! Wasn't sure if gorillas celebrated it or the solstice or kwanzaa or whatnot.
Dr. Badfinger is great, HAHAHA. But this is to show how dangerous having a tape of marital sex frolics can be.

Enjoy your holidays and have a Happy Xmas!
Have a happy hols yourself, sir!
Merry Christmas!
That was an entertaining read, thanks and great holidays!

Have a good one, Mr B. J-Lo ought to have stayed with P Diddy, a man of style and discretion.
I think your friend Mr Anus was onto something with the mutt.

Mace, or pepper spray, or any article of self defence, should leave a long lasting mark, like luminous paint, so that the attaker is not only defended against, but has his defeat obvious to all who come into contact with him.

Ooh, how about a taser with a paint gun attached!
Loved the dialogue.

Hope your Christmas was great and your New Years is even better, Mr. Bananas.
And a happy New Year to you too, your Royal Banananess! J-Lo's clearly rubbish at chosing husbands - if I was her ex- I'd sell copies of the tape on eBay and do the thing properly.
All the best for 2010 GB.
ooh my bottom is tingling pleasantly after reading this post. Merry xmas and a Happy New Year to you Mr Bananas xx
Many thanks to all of you.

I hadn't noticed the Teddy Bear near Jo-Lo until Inkspot mentioned it. He clearly has an eye for such details. I wish I could send everyone a pair of those fetching panties. I'm sure they would look good on all of you.
Bernie sounds like a bigger anus than Beppo. There's definitely a sinister side to those chuckle merchants!
Wishing you a Happy New Year Mr B! Here's to the new decade x
I had something witty and constructive to say about all this then you went and distracted me with that picture of J-Lo and all my attention went right to that fine fine ass. And usually she makes my junk shrink like Rick Moranis in those lame movies. However I would like it to be known that I would tap that ass. I would tap it and then tap it again until it rattled.

She'd have to be gagged of course.
Circus monkey: Was Beppo a clown? Google says he was an Italian mathematician. Perhaps clowning was his hobby.

Joanna: Here's to you, Joanna. May your toes continue to curl frequently in 2010.

Tony Spunk: She might have to be bound and gagged. It depends how persuasive you are.
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