Friday, November 20, 2009

Wear your astronappy with pride

Wonderful news from America! Lisa Nowak, the former NASA astronaut, has been given a suspended prison sentence for persecuting her love rival. May the judge have his toes sucked for his wisdom and compassion! National heroes should be dealt with leniently unless they are irretrievably lost to the dark side. I personally wouldn’t have sent Lisa to the chokey unless she’d been sharing a hot tub with Satan. The butch lesbian inmates would have made life unbearable for her with their sarcastic remarks and indecent suggestions. The presence of an exalted one always brings out the worst in convicts.

As for Lisa’s crime, everyone knows that astronauts outrank all other professions in the mating hierarchy. She must have burned with righteous indignation when she was jilted by her lover for some scrawny-assed air-force captain. A woman who’s never been higher than the stratosphere should know better than to steal the stud of an authentic space cowgirl. It was only this heinous insult that provoked Lisa to chase her rival all over America, with pepper spray and tweezers at the ready.

Journalists covering the case have made much of the fact that Lisa
wore a nappy when driving from place to place in search of her intended victim. Those familiar with the space program know this is standard operating practice for astronauts, who can’t afford to get caught short when performing important manoeuvres. The mission always comes first, whether you’re flying a spacecraft or hunting down your enemies like vermin. When Neil and Buzz were hopping about on the moon, they most certainly wore nappies and were not ashamed to admit it. Taking a leak on the lunar surface would have been an abominable act of desecration.

Speaking of water on the moon, the boys at NASA are very excited about
their latest expedition. After crashing a craft into our celestial neighbour, they found underground lakes beneath the cheesy crust. They’re obviously planning to bottle the stuff and sell it on Earth, but I’d advise them to do a chemical analysis on it first. How did the water get there? is the question I want answered. My suspicion is that the moon was once a service station for alien travellers, who pissed in the nearest crater rather than building proper urinals or taking their waste products with them. The same thing happens at tourist venues on Earth, so we’re hardly in a position to castigate them.

Humans tend to have a black-and-white view of aliens, thinking they’ll either be cool cosmic dudes like the Vulcans, or ugly little fiends who’ll stick a probe up their rectum. I suspect most of them will actually be like tourists at cheap holiday resorts – loud, inconsiderate and addicted to cheap booze. When laser weapons are invented, we’ll have to install one on the roof of the safari guesthouse to keep out the riff-raff. If any space punks hover over the Congo in their flying saucers they’re going to get zapped by me, Northrop and Grumman.

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i wonder if, when back on land, astronauts sometimes forget where they are and pee themselves. i guess it would depend on how well they were astronaut trained vs. how well they were potty trained. i see a career-defining social experiment in my future.
We're a step closer to lasers GB:

Those worms are toast!

As for water on the moon, there's a large number of scientisst who believe that all the oil on earth crash landed on meteorites (presumeably one the size of the f*cking moon), so they probably think the water came from that....
Executing revenge while wearing a nappy... Now that's what I call mentally retarded.
Whatever happened to old fashioned hair pulling and stuff?
Sigh, fighting over a man. Please, you'd get the impression he was the last man on Earth.
I wish an Alien would abduct me and Donut Girl and take us away to a remote place so we could do anything (run naked, have sex, pee anywhere) without being bothered by humans and/or gorillas...
In an alien spacecraft? I don't think they would appreciate the peeing part. Aliens are funny that way.
I've got to admire her focus - wearing nappies so she can single-mindedly get on with the job without having to take wimpy "comfort breaks". I'd employ her.
'Fess up, if you had laser weapons wouldn't you be tempted to use them on the baboons? Which wouldn't seem fair somehow.
Kara: Go for it, Missy, you need to learn more about astronauts. It's about time you filled this gap in your education.

Red Squirrel: Lasering worms is pointless and cruel. Pan-frying is supposed to be the best way of cooking them.

Donut girl: He was an astronaut himself, Ms Donut, which made him desirable to women. Haven't you ever fantasized about an astronaut?

Blase: A gorilla wouldn't bother you and Ms Donut if you were peeing under his nose. But aliens would definitely probe your rectum, whatever you were doing.

Gadjo: It indicates a very practical and resolute mindset, doesn't it? Maybe that's what the Romanian economy needs right now.

Inkspot: Lasering baboons would be using a sledgehammer to crack a nut, as well as risking a forest fire. Chasing them and kicking their arses is much better sport - and good exercise too.
I know that astronauts are meant to be alpha males, but one look at the haircut would have been enough to put me off. You could land a plane on his flat top. And what's wrong with nappies? Maybe she was worried about sneezing and didn't want to tell anyone.
Ah, aliens pissing on the moon, eh? Finally, a theory that makes sense.

Good thing we have GB around to tell us the truth of things that astronauts and scientists would prefer to keep hidden.

I'm with you and Gadjo in admiring her foresight and expanding the use of her job training by wearing the nappies to achieve her goal. She didn't become an astronaut for being stupid... although fighting over a man is pretty stupid... Smart women in love... nothing sadder.
Why wait? Get a laser now to keep the loud tourists away! Wouldn't that be wonderful?

How did they discover she wore the nappy? Did she have it on while she was apprehended? Or did she simply include that detail in her confession? I'd have taken that secret to the grave!
It was extremely interesting for me to read the post. Thanks for it. I like such themes and everything connected to them. I would like to read a bit more soon.
If you've read Tom Wolfe's "The Right Stuff" you'll know that the USAF looks down on NASA, as the so-called "astronauts" can't even fly a plane, they're just passengers who can press buttons on request. An F16 pilot beats an astro hands down.
You must have had some relatives sent into space back in the sixties, GB?
Madame Defarge: Can one sneeze out of one's bottom, Madame Defarge? We have a different word for it in the Congo.

Topiary Cow: Let's hope the aliens take responsibility for their actions, Ms Cow, it's never too late to confess.

Ana: She must have been maddened with rage, Ana. She-elephants sometimes behave in that way, not usually because they've been jilted though

Sassy: I assume they found it during a strip-search, Ms Sassy. I believe she denied wearing it later.

Anonymous: Which particular theme caught your eye? Jealousy, aliens or the nappy?

Lady Daphne: That's pure jealously, milady, Neil Armstrong certainly flew a fighter jet. The F16 is on the way out, to be replaced by the F35 joint-strike fighter.

Emerson: The space chimps, you mean? They were our common relatives, my good man.
I'm with Mdeme DeFarge on the sneezing thing. Zero gravity plays havoc on the muscles, presumably including those of the pelvic floor, so one sneeze and it'd be like a leaky hose on the International Space Station.

Did she make the nappy herself? Astronauts are very inventive.
WOW, making the most of your professional knowledge and possibilities to confront a romantic rival! This is what i call to be practical and taken to the extreme! What a great example of the silly things a woman can do for love.

She was surely blinded by rage, tired of being rationalistic and betrayed by her emotions.

I agree with Anna: rival women fighting over a man is totally stupid. But then I have to disagree: smart women in love -why does it have to be so sad?-. Provided that they don't use astronappies, of course, ;)
It was rather interesting for me to read the blog. Thanx for it. I like such themes and anything that is connected to them. I definitely want to read more on that blog soon.
Wasn't that the craziest and pitiful story.

I'm inclined to agree with you on your alien theory.
Do you have any information on the scientists' report of the physical properties of the water found on the moon - taste for instance?
The Jules: She might well have made it herself, which would be another feather in her cap, so to speak.

Leni: I'm sure she isn't typical of smart women, Leni. I used to read the blog of a PhD student who got jilted. She said she tried to persuade the man to change his mind, but gave up when he said another woman was carrying his child.

Anonymous: I'm glad to have explored themes of interest to you. Let me know if there is anything else you want me to cover.

Secretia: It was the craziest and most pitiful story not involving clowns or baboons.

Ms OWO: I'm glad we are of one mind, Missy. I'm sure we have much else in common.

Doctor: They are keeping it to themselves. My guess would be stale piss.
Is Lisa any relation to Robert ? I think his competing states theory could be one that will apply to any future space colonial situation...
Think you've hit the nail on the head regarding aliens GB. I can imagine them pitching up in Hawaiin shirts, baggy shorts, white socks and trainers, drinking gassy beer and eating everything they can get their hands on.
I'm going to use "pretend you're an astronaut" as a persuasive device on the next recalcitrant patient who refuses to wear their continence aids
Mutley: Are you talking about the Polish fellow? I would very much hope she that were not related to that blackguard.

Rubbish: There must be some resort in Spain or Greece we can dump them in.

Nursemyra: I hope it works, Nursie! Better than having to change their wet bedsheets!
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