Monday, November 30, 2009

Belle de Jour

So the lovely Dr Brooke Magnanti has confessed to being the famous anonymous call girl that everyone admired and adored. She did it to finance her academic career, and who can blame her? She wouldn’t be the first intelligent woman to discover that her brain was worth much less on the open market than her vulva. It’s just as well that she could exercise both organs with a comparable degree of satisfaction. I wonder if the book she wrote about her life as a high-class hooker will now be on her students’ reading list. The best teachers always spice up their formal study material with personal anecdotes and recollections. Could she have performed any bedroom services relevant to her chosen field of neurotoxicology? I reckon she might well have if any of her clients were ageing rock stars.

A few sceptics are asking why she stopped doing it if she found it so enjoyable. She evidently still has the looks for the job, and could double her charge-rate now that she’s famous. My suspicion is that the mouth-watering Dr Magnanti, having attained the luscious age of 34, is readying herself to settle down. The biological clock is ticking and the time has come to look for that special man who will make an honest woman of her and fertilise her eggs, not necessarily in that order.

I’m going to let you into a secret: I’ve always fancied myself as a matchmaker for ex-prostitutes. Who better than a hairy cousin from the mellowest branch of the primate family to find a suitable mate for a call girl? Humans have too many ambiguous emotions about the oldest profession to offer its members dispassionate advice. We gorillas are utterly non-judgmental about it. What’s more, I actually have a couple of candidates in mind for the delectable Dr Brooke. Read on.

Candidate 1: The Guru

A bald, olive-skinned, strikingly handsome yogi, capable of reducing his pulse rate to 19 beats per minute while meditating in the lotus position. He won’t have sex more frequently than once a month, but can make it last for hours using tantric techniques. He claims his ejaculatory power resembles what happens when you open a bottle of 7UP after shaking it for five minutes. A deeply spiritual dude who could teach Brooke that less is more.

Candidate 2: The Gynaecologist

Obviously a very suitable occupation – a retired call girl needs a man who knows where everything is. His many hobbies include collecting and driving sports cars. He told me that high mileage was nothing to worry about when buying a classic model. A high-performance engine actually runs a lot better when driven hard and serviced frequently. I think he’s the kind of man who would appreciate a woman like Brooke…and keep her well-oiled.

Both of these worthy suitors have been to the Congo for safari holidays, and their details are on my computer. If Dr Magnanti says the word, I will make the necessary arrangements and organise first dates. I won’t charge an introduction fee either. All I ask in return is that she has her wedding at the safari guesthouse if she marries either of these extremely eligible gentlemen. The bridal suite will be hers unless she would rather consummate her nuptials outdoors, in the sultry African night. Sentries will be provided gratis.

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I doubt this woman would be content with the Guru and his overflowing semen pistol. She's probably grown weary of having to wipe her face from her former profession.

And Vagina Man appears to be the type that will sneak away late at night with a container of some sort to catch the Guru's ejaculations, weird looking fucker he is... I could be wrong.

I also have a hunch that this former Hooker saved her grocery bags (the paper kind) for her fuck sessions. She may have had great technique and a Tiger of a pussy...but that is one ugly Whore.
“I miss the moment when you walk into a hotel, and get that feeling of 'I’m about to do a job and I’m about to do it well,” Brooke said.

I like her already.

I think the gynaecologist is the best candidate for this position.
Let's face it, having sex once a month when you're in a relationship, for most healthy men and women just doesn't cut it. And the 7UP thing is scary.
I totally agree with Dutch donut girl: sex only once a month? NO WAY!!! on top of it with a 7Up geyser fountain, come on, LOL.

My vote goes to the gynaecologist. He probably knows some pleasure tricks from his career and has surely practiced them long!
My vote is for the Gyno... I tend to trust them (seeing as how I work with them on a daily basis) more than the guru types. Then again the promise of tantric orgasms once a month does sound intriguing. Oh GB... what a match maker you are!!
Hmmm...i dont think i'd vote for either one. I doubt having sex once a month would be enough for her evetnhough it would be great sex. And as for the gyno....aren't they usually turned off sex cos they spend soo much time down there???

I think she should find some bookish, geeky prof whom she could teach the art of lovemaking too...she is a teacher after all and i bet that would totally turn her on! She could tutor me ANYTIME :p
Well if I wasn't married, I might have been able to persuade you to add me to that list of suitors. I admire that kind of woman who keeps both sides of her personality alive and healthy.
I believe she has a fiance and he was part of the reason she wouldn't consider doing it again. He knows all about it.

I always wondered what kind of weirdo wants to be a gyno. I mean doesn't having vaginas and labia all up in your business all day long put you off sex a little? Because I worked in a chip shop for six months in high school and I didn't eat chips for about three years after that!
A "matchmaker for ex-prostitutes", what an excellent idea, Bananas: I've been looking for a niche in the market for my new Internet start-up company - can I buy the idea off you??
Neither of them interest me - I have my heart set on you GB
Blase: I suggest you look up her charge rate before calling her names. A lot of rich men paid her more than their lawyers.

Donut girl: The Guru reckons that one of his bonks are worth ten normal ones because of his tantric training. Wouldn't you be curious, Ms Donut?

Leni: Quite right, Leni, and I bet he knows all the best toys to use as well!

Auri: Thanks for your vote of confidence, Auri. Maybe she should test drive both of them before deciding.

Sabrina: Maybe what she really needs is another woman, Saby. I'll add your name to the list to give her a Sapphic alternative. I'll call you 'The Booby Girl'.

Doctor: I'm glad you can appreciate her finer qualities rather than viewing her as a sex object.

Vegetable Assassin: I think some men like the idea of exploring hidden places, Ms VA. It's like being a detective with a magnifying glass.

Gadjo: You can have it for free, my good man. I'm sure you'll find plenty of clients down your way.

Nursemyra: How sweet you are, Nursie.
Oooohhhhh.....YES PLEASE!!!! ;p

The Booby Girl...i likey......hmmmm.....i wonder if i should get a cape?....
Gee...this woman seems to glory in such a dirty job...any mention of the STD's she picked up?

Just thinking, she treats her body like trash but then pretends what she did was glamorous...something wrong there.
Well, she looks pretty indeed. And given that The Guru is Mr. Kamaal Hassan who is a big star in India's southern film industry she will surely be satisfied.

Rock on GB :D

OOh! ooh! ooh! I want the guru dude!
Is your 'matchmaking for ex-prostitutes' business called Hooker-up?

If not, it should be....
We were having lunch with a Gyno one day (my boss and I)and asked him how he could look at vaginas all day long and then go home to look at his wife's. He said, "It's a job."

I'm not sure if he meant looking at patient's vaginas or his wife's. I didn't ask for clarification.

Also, having sex once a month would be preferable to none at all. I say that now, anyway.
Now I've found out she's a doctor I fancy her even more.

Brainy women. Hoo yeah.
Sabrina: A cape, Saby? No, that would hide your tush!

Topiary Cow: Well, Ms Cow, it takes all sorts!

Nothingman: He looks like a real lady killer! They ought to call him 'The Bullet'.

Suzanne: You deserve him, Suzy. Once a month!

Red Squirrel: That's great! All I need now is a logo.

Ms OWO: I wonder if he takes his work home with him. Must be difficult to look at his wife's cha-cha with an unprofessional eye.

The Jules: Maybe she'll give you a free game of chess if you ask her.
That is a noble professional, those poor ladies need Real Love, so they can settle down.
Got a bit of a crush have you GB?
Is Richard Gere not an option? I admit, he is getting a bit up there in age, but I've seen his body of work, and I seem to recall that at least 13% of his films involve prostitution.
can i just say...i'm both saddened and relieved that i'm not in need of your services.
I love the irony of her using the oldest profession in the world to gain access to the realm of masculine science -- a clever way to shatter that mirrored ceiling. At any rate, she seems to me far too intelligent and industrious to require a man to fertilize her eggs (given her familiarity with test tubes). I wouldn't hold my breath on that African wedding...
You are a romantic primate GB.

BTW, I'd certainly marry a working girl. Imagine: "Darling, I've screwed hundreds of men and out of them all I choose you. Plus, I'm really good at it." Wow.
I have to say that I think she'd be better off selecting a suitor with a PhD in Psychology. Someone who can counsel her sufficiently that she can let go of her alter ego and just be herself. Im sure she'll be much happier in the long run.
From what I have seen, hookers do what they do exactly so that they can afford NOT to get married. They are not likely to have much respect for men after such a career.
You have been my personal guru for some years Mr B! Why should I share you with some shagged out old prossie?
Secretia: Quite right, Ms S, they deserve our compassion.

Rubbish: Keep it decent! She would be crushed if I tried to mount her.

Chris V: Richard Gere did it well in the movies, but in real life I fear that the man is too vain.

Kara: I'm also relieved, Missy, although I could pretend you were an ex-hooker if you changed your mind.

Ana: You think she'll go to the sperm bank, Ana? It'a good way of breeding, but who will take out the garbage and mow the lawn?

Inskpot: It would indeed be a great honour for you. Unlike all her clients, you'd be getting it free.

Joanna: She's in the right profession to meet men with PhD's, but I wonder if they excite her sufficiently. They may know the theory without being able to put it into practice.

Lady Daphne: I thought they did it for the money, milady. Oh wait, that's why a lot of women get married, isn't it? I was thinking of a love match in this case.

Mutley: That's a very disrespectful term for a sex worker, Mutley. I think you need to go on a senstivity course.
Since she has such a cut throat attitude to the business it beats me why she doesn't become a madam. Maybe you two could go into business together?
My dear sir! I forget how much I miss learning about the world when I don't regularly drop by!
Emma: Well, she's probably rich enough already thanks to the book and TV series.

Saintly Nick: I am glad to have contributed to your knowledge, Saintly Nick!
If you would have actually followed the blog of your famous colleague, mr. Bananas, you would have known she had a mr. One and Only already, who, as Vegetable Assisin pointed out, was the main reason why she gave up her shadow-life.
So why hasn't she married him, Deb? I don't believe her so-called fiancé is in the same league as my suitors.
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