Monday, November 16, 2009
Art imitates porn
A correspondent draws my attention to a 10-minute film showing a pair of students copulating in Newcastle. Frankly, I would rather watch baboons do it. Only humans are vain enough to believe their sexual antics are visually appealing. I can assure you that no wild gorillas have ever asked for royalties after being filmed having it off in the jungle. That’s because people who enjoy watching such things are boobies, and extorting cash from boobies would be undignified.
My only interest in the film would be to discover whether the couple did it with their socks on, which is allegedly common practice in Newcastle. I wouldn’t blame them to be honest. The town is swept with chill winds from the North Sea, which infiltrate every nook and penetrate every cranny. I wouldn’t want to be distracted by cold feet when making jiggy-pokey in such an environment. Not that I would ever go there, of course. The place has very little vegetation and is populated with unnaturally nocturnal humans. It’s bad enough having your sleep disturbed by parrots.
Now the maker of the film is a 23-year-old student called Joseph Steele, who imagines himself to be an artist. A friend of the co-stars, he obtained their consent by promising to show the work in a trendy gallery. Hence, the discerning audience would engage with its profound social message rather than hooting with glee or playing with their private parts.
“It is absolutely art because I put it there and said it was,” declared the Jean-Luc Godard of Tyneside.
I suppose that settles it then. He claims that everyone who saw the film found it “erotic and inspirational”, but impartial observers report seeing a lot of shocked faces. These art-loving types are very easily shocked if you ask me. Anyone who is perturbed by the sight of human sexual activity needs to get out more, by which I mean out to Africa. When you’ve seen a raging bull elephant in musth, its swollen todger writhing like a snake, there’s not much that humans could do to startle you.
Perhaps I’ll commission Master Steele to direct a film that my females have been nagging me to produce, called Tarzan Was Our Toy-Boy. The script has already been written and it’s very avant-garde, with overlapping dialogue and naturalistic grunts and groans. The hairy ladies have already cast themselves as the declaimers of the title, but we’re still looking for the right Tarzan. Initially, I thought one of the whey-faced dandies in Beverly Hills 90210 would be ideal for the part, but they’re probably too old for it now. Whoever lands the role, we expect to produce a work of high feminist art which is a contender for the Palm d’Orifice at Cannes.
I shouldn’t leave you with the impression that we gorillas only make art in the hope of winning critical acclaim, or selling it for piles of dosh, like Damien “Daffy” Hirst. “Art for art’s sake” is our motto. Appreciate our creations with spontaneous delight rather than appraising them with the cold eye of the collector. Tomorrow, I’m going to rustle up some natural dyes and do some body art on a woman at the safari guesthouse who’s been longing to enjoy my brushwork. The one good thing about bare human skin is that it makes an excellent canvas.
Labels: Art, Newcastle, sex with socks on, todger
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Mr. Steele needs to film me and Dutch Donut girl and Secretia doing a threesome.
He would be guaranteed a 'thumbs up' from any observer. Throw in some body painting and you'd have an Award winning entry.
He would be guaranteed a 'thumbs up' from any observer. Throw in some body painting and you'd have an Award winning entry.
I hope that's not your work because I have seen better body paintings.
So the guy made a sex film and calls it art? Hmmm, merely calling something art does not make it so.
But since I'm a booby: don't you have a link to this video?
p.s. pointing a big camera like that is just intimidating.
So the guy made a sex film and calls it art? Hmmm, merely calling something art does not make it so.
But since I'm a booby: don't you have a link to this video?
p.s. pointing a big camera like that is just intimidating.
Wait, we are doing a threesome? I have always wondered if one person doesn't feel left out in a threesome. I don't like to share so that would be a big problem. Secretia what do you think?
Lets leave him out, just you and me! Ok, Donut Girl?
Secretia :)
Secretia :)
# posted by 
: Monday, November 16, 2009
: Monday, November 16, 2009
Well, my motto is "Porn for porn's sake and art for everything else." Everything has its purpose, Mr. Bananas. What's your favorite thing to paint on a female human body? (Feel free to work with either interpretation of that question.)
Imagines himself to be an artist these days, Bananas. I personally send off everything I do as submission for the Turner Prize.
Blase: I see you're the kind of man who likes to bite off more than he can chew.
Donut girl: I don't think the film is available on-line, Ms Donut. I have located have Mr Steele's blog, so you can ask him for it directly. I expect he'll want to charge you for it. And you're right not to expect miracles from ol' Blase.
Secretia: Well said, ma'am! Now that's the kind of porn film I'd like to watch!
Ana: I like to paint fruit, Ana. Apples, bananas, oranges and figs. An oyster can also look good in the right place.
Gadjo: You do seem like an artistic type, Gadjo. Maybe consider working with elephant dung?
Donut girl: I don't think the film is available on-line, Ms Donut. I have located have Mr Steele's blog, so you can ask him for it directly. I expect he'll want to charge you for it. And you're right not to expect miracles from ol' Blase.
Secretia: Well said, ma'am! Now that's the kind of porn film I'd like to watch!
Ana: I like to paint fruit, Ana. Apples, bananas, oranges and figs. An oyster can also look good in the right place.
Gadjo: You do seem like an artistic type, Gadjo. Maybe consider working with elephant dung?
Outstanding humor as usual, gorilla. By the measure of this piece of art, it seems all humans are artists, with Cleopatra, Casanova and Bill Clinton being the greatest of them all.
# posted by : Monday, November 16, 2009
: Monday, November 16, 2009
I've never seen artful porn, but maybe I've been watching the wrong kind. And they always seem to have the most horrendous music!
That last photo gave me a great idea for next year's Halloween costume.
That last photo gave me a great idea for next year's Halloween costume.
You need more than your socks on in Newcastle. You would definitely need a couple of hot water bottles on your feet and a six foot radiator strapped to your arse to stop you falling in if your with a local girl (so I've been told).
I translate Russian Porn into Trollish-English to make some extra coin and justify years of study.
Perhaps you could do the same with Animal Kingdom copulation videos?
I know in many cases the males only words are " I'm done now and if I run across our offspring next year I will eat them".
But it's still an idea.
Perhaps you could do the same with Animal Kingdom copulation videos?
I know in many cases the males only words are " I'm done now and if I run across our offspring next year I will eat them".
But it's still an idea.
If Tacey Emin can call an unmade bed art then I guess Joseph Steele can do the same with his home movie.
Personally I'm more inspired by the silver nipple paint on the girl in the middle of that second photo. I think a trip to the arts supply shop is in order for one of my corset Fridays.....
Personally I'm more inspired by the silver nipple paint on the girl in the middle of that second photo. I think a trip to the arts supply shop is in order for one of my corset Fridays.....
Sex in Newcastle, eh? I always wondered where the Geordie people came from.
(I'm told) there are literally millions of similar art films available on this internet thingy, if you know the right places to look.
(I'm told) there are literally millions of similar art films available on this internet thingy, if you know the right places to look.
Doctor: Casanova was definitely an artist, but Bill Clinton was more a spray-paint graffiti vandal.
Ms OWO: Porn music is awful, isn't it? I much prefer natural sound effects. Don't forget to show us a picture of your costume next year.
Rubbish: Hah, I bet they say the same thing about the Welsh!
Troll Y2K: No animals in Africa that would say that. Male spiders say, "don't move a muscle, baby, I'll fetch you a snack."
Nursemyra: The silver paint does seem to have stimulated them, Nursie. You should definitely try it.
Indie-Pop: Yes, I thought Geordies were hatched from eggs. Feel free to link any films you find, there are many art lovers here.
Ms OWO: Porn music is awful, isn't it? I much prefer natural sound effects. Don't forget to show us a picture of your costume next year.
Rubbish: Hah, I bet they say the same thing about the Welsh!
Troll Y2K: No animals in Africa that would say that. Male spiders say, "don't move a muscle, baby, I'll fetch you a snack."
Nursemyra: The silver paint does seem to have stimulated them, Nursie. You should definitely try it.
Indie-Pop: Yes, I thought Geordies were hatched from eggs. Feel free to link any films you find, there are many art lovers here.
Oh my A Star is Born! A new porn director!
((Do they really do it with their socks on in Newcastle? WOW, sexy, eh?)) (*Falls off her chair laughing*)
All the best for the success of your film, if you find the right actor, with your talent and that wonderful script, the movie will surely be awarded with the Palm d'Orifice.
((Btw, isn't there half of the 1st pic missing? Yes, the one on top of this post...))
((Do they really do it with their socks on in Newcastle? WOW, sexy, eh?)) (*Falls off her chair laughing*)
All the best for the success of your film, if you find the right actor, with your talent and that wonderful script, the movie will surely be awarded with the Palm d'Orifice.
((Btw, isn't there half of the 1st pic missing? Yes, the one on top of this post...))
what's the point of sex on film if there's no story line? it's not art unless a man shows up at the door to fix some pipes.
I'd say that, if they took their socks off especially for the film, that would make it art (short for artificial, not for artistic).
Although I wonder whether Newcastlian girls even have socks. The few times I went up North (dead winter!), I saw an awful lot of girls showing off the unpainted canvas of their legs.
Although I wonder whether Newcastlian girls even have socks. The few times I went up North (dead winter!), I saw an awful lot of girls showing off the unpainted canvas of their legs.
I dunno the porno art film sounds marginally more interesting than the usual pretentious stuff art students do like a loop of someone washing his hands or walking on a beach. Not that i'd watch it. Maybe there is an argument that artists should fund this sort of 'art' at college and not taxpayers. I sound like a Daily Mail reader! getting old you know.
I have been in several pornos, one of which was made with 'blue screen' for cross continental action. That took some swift hand eye coordination...
# posted by : Tuesday, November 17, 2009
: Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Leni: Yes, the first picture has been cropped, Leni. I've seen the uncensored version - I assume she must have siphoned fluids in a previous career.
Kara: A plumber? Didn't Karl Hungus come round to fix the TV?
Inkspot: I knew the Geordies would be in for a hammering on this thread.
Borah: Good point, Deb, I've heard the women up there are keen on short skirts. Bare feet would be going too far though. And the men might even keep their shirts on.
Emma: I might have watched it if young Joseph was a little less big-headed. How much skill does it take to point a camera at two people getting it on?
Red Squirrel: Maybe you should see the film then. You sound well qualified to be critic.
Mutley: Cross continental action? Is your reach really that long or are you boasting again?
Kara: A plumber? Didn't Karl Hungus come round to fix the TV?
Inkspot: I knew the Geordies would be in for a hammering on this thread.
Borah: Good point, Deb, I've heard the women up there are keen on short skirts. Bare feet would be going too far though. And the men might even keep their shirts on.
Emma: I might have watched it if young Joseph was a little less big-headed. How much skill does it take to point a camera at two people getting it on?
Red Squirrel: Maybe you should see the film then. You sound well qualified to be critic.
Mutley: Cross continental action? Is your reach really that long or are you boasting again?
Porn by any other name is... well, porn. Something to jerk off to and that's hardly artistic. I think there may be something in the fine print about the director having a fauxhawk qualifying everything he directs as "art".
Although i enjoyed your post very much i cant seem to get past the last pixx....the blue boobies are especially delicious looking. I wouldn't mind filming myslef having a romp with her!....and her boobies :p
And when I make a similar film, I get ordered out of the wardrobe and an ASBO for my trouble.
Honestly, one rule for artists and one for the rest of us.
Honestly, one rule for artists and one for the rest of us.
Did you paint socks on those women? Ruf often commands that I wear socks to bed... Apparently I have the coldest feet of any woman he has ever met :) He seems to be able to get past the deep unsexyness of the garments.
Sassy girl: Yes, Ms Sassy, he takes his work very seriously while people are jerking off to it.
Sabrina: She's thin with plump titties, Saby. Interesting you prefer her to the woman on the left, who is plump with perky titties.
Jules: You're obviously not sending your work to the right galleries. It isn't art if you show it to the riff-raff.
Joanna: He should take to on a holiday to Mauritius and use your feet to cool himself off.
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Sabrina: She's thin with plump titties, Saby. Interesting you prefer her to the woman on the left, who is plump with perky titties.
Jules: You're obviously not sending your work to the right galleries. It isn't art if you show it to the riff-raff.
Joanna: He should take to on a holiday to Mauritius and use your feet to cool himself off.
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