Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Rock bottom

I’ve sent a ‘Get Well Soon’ card to Alejandra Guzman, the Mexican singer recovering in hospital from a bottom infection. The circumstances of her case are disturbing. It all started when she went to a clinic for a routine injection to improve the texture of her tush. Quite understandable for a woman in a profession where the shapely behind is de rigueur, although I could have helped her achieve the same end with a natural technique. It’s a pity she didn’t consult me first, but there’s no point crying over spoiled pumpkins.

She certainly wasn’t to blame for what happened at the clinic. It was pure bad luck that its director was a devious impostor with no medical qualifications. He had staffed the establishment with an assortment of ne’er-do-wells willing to accept nugatory wages for the sordid gratification of ogling and pawing the female posterior. With no understanding of proper sterilisation procedures, one of these Pedros pierced Ms Guzman’s hindquarters with a contaminated needle, causing severe inflammation and much tribulation.

Now we gorillas are especially sympathetic to those of our human cousins who have been injured in the backside. Justly proud of our own bottoms, which are taut and muscular to the umpteenth degree, it saddens our tender souls to hear of a rump defiled or cruelly abused. The psychological scars of a disfigured derrière run deep. You only have to look at the boorish and offensive behaviour of baboons to realise how having an ugly arse can effect one’s attitude to life. I hope Ms Guzman’s doctors bear this in mind when they’re treating her. They must avoid making insensitive remarks about the afflicted region and do all they can to preserve its natural symmetry. There are few more pitiable sights than a lopsided pair of buttocks.

She shouldn’t expect miracles though. Being nominated for the
Rear of the Year award will be out of the question for the foreseeable future. I’ve often toyed with the idea of getting involved in this competition myself. Not as a contestant, of course. You can’t compare grapefruits with apples – the former are bigger, juicier and contain more vitamin C. No, my intended role would be sponsor and advisor. The reason I’ve not yet stepped forward is my unease about the method of judgement, which like so many things in human society is based purely on appearance. How can you really appreciate the quality of a butt without a manual examination? The discerning housewife always picks up and squeezes the fruit before putting it in her shopping basket.

I could always offer to judge the bottoms as well. You won’t find anyone more skilled at manipulating flesh than a gorilla. Our grasp is surprisingly gentle too – the contestants wouldn’t have to worry about bruises or bottom hickeys. Yet in the long-run I’d be worried about finger-cramp. Why should I provide the manual labour if I’m also sponsoring the prizes? Perhaps I should be responsible for hiring the judges instead. Does a fee of one dollar per posterior sound fair? To avoid tax problems they should pay us in cash.

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Perhaps you are making much ado of the possible ramifications with judging the human posterior. It doesn't need to be a rigorous affair.

You'll know what I mean as you observe me judging Dutch Donut girl's buttocks...
"one of these Pedros pierced Ms Guzman’s hindquarters with a contaminated needle, causing severe inflammation and much tribulation."
Ah, that takes me back to halls of residence.
I have no intention of having my bottom defiled or abused. Not even if you ask very nicely. I may not win derriere of the year or even of the last five minutes, but it has its own fans and they are content.
HA! How do you come up with these posts? :) Poor Alejandra. I feel her pain. Hmmm... maybe that's not the right thing to say?
Taut and muscular, eh? Prove it :)

P.S. Blasé: you want to judge my buttocks while GB is watching you do the judging? Oh, that sounds way too kinky ;)
The only way to truly judge the virtues of a posterior is via a thorough spanking. There is, of course, the feel of tush on palm, but the sound of flesh meeting flesh must also come into the evaluation. If it sounds like last week's frost-rotted jack-o-lantern hitting the pavement, you would have to give a low score. If, however, it resembles the report of a rifle, you might have yourself a winner.
GB Darling...
You should create a game show for judging the perfect backside and it could be called 'Tail or Wail'.
Tail is a keeper...Wail is a loser.
You could be a gazillionaire.

If you wanted to include boobies in the judging you could call it 'Peaks and Cheeks'
which would it be, conceited or self deprecating to say that one's ass has stopped traffic? hypothetical situation.
What an interesting event the Rear Of The Year ceremony must be: there ae presumably the evening wear and swimwear sections as per Miss World, but what do they do for the "personality" test?
Blase: I suspect you lack the cool-headed impartiality to much such judements, my good man.

Lady Daphne: I'm sorry to hear that, milady, I hope you made a speedy recovery.

Madame Defarge: Your posterior is assuredly a treasure beyond the judgement of ape or man, Madame D.

Donut girl: I'll give you all the proof you need, Ms Donut. As for Blase, I wouldn't care to watch him in action. I don't think he has the cool head and steady hand to make a good job of it.

Ana: I like your idea, Ana, although the kind of spanking you advocate might cause bruising. I'd prefer a rapid series of wraps with the fingers, like playing the tom-toms.

Sweet Cheeks: You have a talent for naming game shows, Mrs Cheeks. I assume the contestants would require good tails to get on the show, otherwise it might be quite embarrassing.

Kara: It would be neither if it actually happened. I'm glad to hear that drivers in Portland appreciate the fleshier ones.

Gadjo: Sadly they don't bother about personality. I suspect many previous winners have been utter dullards.
Tush texture takes backseat to tush shape, no?
Maybe the Rear of the Year competition should include a functional aspect as well, and the judging panel comprise of a proctologist and perhaps a coprologist.
Who did that Russell fella sleep with to win Rear of the Year???!!!! Very disappointing!

Will you be nominating me for 2010?
A dollar per posterior sounds more than fair. Who do I need to see to sign up and whom do I pay?
Oh my Mr Bananas, careful with what you wish!

Soon you'll have the world and his wife knocking on your door to do the butt grasping! Just wait and see. ;)
I think it would be hard to find professional judges of your calibre many is the bottom fancier who would come in pretending to be a judge and just going in for a quick rub. It would be very difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff here i'm afraid.
And we need to be careful not to confuse "Rear of the Year" with "Arse of the Year," which is voted upon by the journalists of the Parliamentary Lobby.
I like Sir Mix-a-lot's take on the backside. "My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon"
I'd like a bottom hickey ;-)
Lazlo: That's a very human attitude. I put touch ahead of appearance.

The Jules: The anus has an entirely different function, it's pure coincidence that it's located there.

Sabrina: I'd rather judge you than nominate you, Saby.

Rubbish: You'd better give it some thought first. They're not all like the ones in the picture.

Leni: I'd vet them very carefully, Leni. I can sniff out a pervert at 20 paces.

Emma: I'd first make them practice with fresh fruit to eliminate the gropers and pinchers.

Kevin: I find it hard to believe there's only one arse of the year and harder to believe that journalists are fit people to judge who that might be.

Sally: Anaconda? That's sounds like boasting to me.

Nursemyra: I bet you would, Nursie!
"ne’er-do-wells willing to accept nugatory wages"

Ah. GB has such a gift for summing up. Almost a rear-guard action.
I think my bottom is too flat. Please could you advise a course of exercises to improve my buttocks. Many thanks, in anticipation,
After winning Rear of the Year 2010, I'd serve as host for future award ceremonies. Always at the ready to share my expertise with budding booty shakers. I'm just saying, Baby ain't the only one whose got back around here!
Thanks for bring us this important
news story! And I think your new business will take off (panties mostly!)

Don't dominant silverbacks bite potential challengers on the buttocks? You'll have to limit yourself to judging the ladies, methinks.
You can judge for yourself Ruf's technique for testing that my derriere has continued to remain pert and firm on my latest HNT :P

He asked me a few days ago whether I had ever considered surgery for my shortsightedness. I am firmly against this course of action since it seems to be tempting fate to put oneself to the knife purely for vanity.

I hope the young lady is soon restored to good health and suffers no lasting after effects.
For once I have some advice for you Mr Bananas! Do not google the phrase 'elephant buttocks' ever. never ever. Thats my advice...
Still no proof in sight. Must I travel to the Congo? The moral of the story: never trust a gorilla with a firm butt :)
Topiary Cow: 'Rear-guard action' would have been the title of this post if I'd I thought of it, Ms Cow.

Scarlet: Are you sure they are flat, Miss Scarlet? I'd have to examine the before deciding whether treatment is necessary.

Sassy girl: Your confidence is awe-inspiring, Ms Sassy. If you were presenting the show, you'd have to turn round and bend over for you fans.

Secretia: I wouldn't take off anyone's panties, Ma'am.

Troll Y2K: Don't believe everything you read about us. That sort of thing only happens as a last resort.

Joanna Cake: What ol' Ruf did was definitely the proof of the pudding, Joanna.

Donut girl: Here you are, Miss Donut. Good things come to those who wait.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. May God bless you and keep your butt firm and hairy.
Fabulous butt, Mr B!
Thank you ladies, from the bottom of my bottom.
I would so lose an ass contest. The junk in my trunk is simply average. Thankfully the rest makes up for it.
You ignored me...? I guess you are out googling 'elephant buttocks' *sighs*
I googled it long ago, Mutley. Worse things than that happen in the jungle.
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