Friday, October 09, 2009

Indian in-law ruling

I’m in two minds over the Indian supreme court’s decision to give a man’s mother the right to kick her daughter-in-law. As a former circus ape, I know that kicking humans in a fleshy area of the body can be a playful and even affectionate gesture. The countless clowns whose bottoms were thumped by my foot never bore me any malice. If it were possible for in-laws to kick each other in the right spirit, it would be a good way of cementing family bonds and toning up the buttocks.

The nagging doubt in my mind is whether the typical Indian mother-in-law is suitably disposed to place an affectionate foot on her daughter-in-law’s posterior. I fear that she who delivers the foot wallop may be motivated by the Mother-of-Oedipus complex rather than a spirit of friendly horseplay. This psychological disorder causes post-menopausal women to be insanely jealous of the maiden who has married their son.

“How dare this Jezebel steal the affection of my boy, who used to rest his head against my motherly bosom, and now prefers to put it between her pert sugar-plums!” she subconsciously thinks. “She'll regret her sluttish ways when she feels my foot on her backside!”

Of course, we shouldn’t be too judgemental about the older female, whose short-temper is often a product of biology. When an ageing female gorilla starts getting grumpy, the first thing we do is find her a gigolo. There’s usually a young male who’ll do it out of respect for his elders and a general eagerness for hairy poontang. It’s normally just the thing to soothe her festering grudges and squash the bee in her bonnet.

I’m sure there is no shortage of likely lads in India who would bend their backs in a worthy cause (and for a generous stipend). The fellow who played the leading role in Slumdog Millionaire looks to have the right manner about him. On second thoughts, I’d make the quiz master do it as a penance for his duplicity and arrogance.

When you think about it, Indian brides are the last humans on Earth who deserve a good kicking. It speaks volumes about their sweet and subservient nature that they agree to live with their in-laws and put up with the persecution that seems to be their lot in life. You couldn’t imagine women in the West doing that. Few of them agree to marry without a separate home and strictly-controlled visiting rights for their in-laws. The mother-in-law is dealt with mercilessly if she dares step out of line.

If Indian matriarchs want to kick someone, I suggest they make the derrière of Guy
Laliberté the target of their animosity. I met the circus impresario in my performing days, but sadly never had the opportunity to victimise him in the ring. His latest exploit was to blast into orbit on a Soyuz rocket while wearing a clown’s red nose. I believe he has ambitions to land on the moon.

Is it technically feasible to kick a man’s arse on the lunar surface? The Apollo astronauts never tried it and I’m not sure you’d get the required leverage in a low gravity environment. If it is possible, I shall certainly bribe one of
Laliberté’s travelling companions to boot him in the seat of the pants during his moon walk. With any luck it will put him back into orbit.

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I plan on being a splendid mother-in-law. Early on in my children's marriages I shall declare myself bribeable with hard cash and Liquorice Allsorts and in return I will live at least a hundred miles away and not require that my sons-in-law make any awkward, dutiful conversation with me or fix my drainpipes.
"she who delivers the foot wallop" I used to play that game when I was a child. To everyone's dismay.
Photos quite frightening this week, GB! Don't know which is more scary, the elderly crone or the bald man with the nose.

(hiding in fear)

Most Indian wives are well gorgeous and most Indian men don't know they're onto a good think - bastards. Clowns in Space, though: couldn't we get the Russians to manufacture special red-nosed "clown rockets" and then we could send all the clowns into space, then watch how they get on like on Big Brother.
"When an ageing female gorilla starts getting grumpy, the first thing we do is find her a gigolo....

Can 31 qualify as being 'aged'??? I'm in need of a gigolo :(

You can give him to me as an engagement gift :p
I didn't need this horror story to be wary of mother-in-laws. I've had run-ins with several that aren't even my own...and none of them turned out well.

Reason number 41 to never get married.

Re guy with clown nose: Looks like a pedophile.
"Mother-of-Oedipus complex?" If this sort of thing continues, GB, I shall have to retrospectively fail you on your Ancient Greek A/S Level ("Now available through Walmarts world-wide with the purchase of two packets of nutty-nanas").

Mother of God, how could you debase yourself to such levels of ignorant sub-Freudian catechism?

It's a Jocasta complex, you hairy fool. And it doesn't really count unless the son of the Jocasta in question has first killed his father.

Apparently it's all to do with the transference of penis envy: but then, as a good gorilla, you are perfectly aware that penis envy is a silly little thing. How you transfer it is beyond me. I presume it's all to do with collateral debt obligations and the collapse of the world economy.

We are all to blame, but Jocasta is first in line.
Sam: Hello Sam! I hope you achieve your wish, although you won't be properly tested because you don't have a son.

Lola: Didn't anyone try to catch your foot and make you fall on your tush? That would have been fun!

Topiary Cow: You have nothing to fear from the bald man, Ms Cow. His head is coated with rubber and three-quarters hollow.

Sabrina: I'll start interviewing candidates, Saby. You like bald men with goatee beards, right?

Ms OWO: Haven't you met a woman who wanted you to be her daughter-in-law? I bet you have, even if you didn't know it!

Dr Loser: The difference between saying "Mother-of-Oedipus complex" and "Jocasta complex" is as follows: the former is recognisable as a joke, or at least an attempt at one; the latter is the formulation of a pompous cunt who wants to show-off his classical education. I hope this is now clear to you.
Haha... I have never heard anybody call them sugar-plums before.

As for the kicking mother-in-law, I would wrap her in ducktape 'like a mummy' and leave her alone with her thoughts.
Better not mess with Lady Jezebel.
I've got something for you at my blog, and sorry, it's not a banana.
Dear Mr Bananas,

I second you about in-law kicking: some of them really deserve to get a good kick in their fat asses for not minding their own business.

Living with an Oedipus-like male in love with his mom can be simply unacceptable. I know a guy who is also in love with his 3 sisters (do you know the name of this complex? or is it just a frustrated incestuous feeling?).

About Mr Laliberté: I didn't know he's been the first space clown. Maybe he made an old dream come true.

The Dumbass Industries recently considered to cooperate with his ONE DROP Foundation, to fight poverty in the world by giving people access to water. That's a nice project, don't you think?
OK, I retract my Jocasta and call your Electra. Whatever the hell she was ... I got lost half-way through Jung where he introduced this weird concept of female castration.

Mind you, you should have seen the look on my American girlfriend's face when I explained the concept of female circumcision.

"Cunt" indeed.

My apologies to you and your tribe for any and all offences, howsoever incurred. In what I think is a legal first, I have engaged Peter Carter-Ruck on your behalf to deal with my libels. It will be expensive, but worth it.

P. C-F was no fucking use at Greek either. I have it on good authority from Tiggy Legge-Bourke, who, I think we can both agree, was the Nanny's Nanny.
Her face says it all: "I sure would like to kick that"!
Third time I've read this and I still can't think of anything to say so I wont.
Hey Congrats on your Sass award! She's right.... you are addictive!

Our bloggy paths have crossed before but I'd forgotten how funny you are! You're my kind of hairy primate!

Am now a follower.

LBM xxxx
Miss Donut: If you were my daughter-in-law, Miss Donut, I think we'd get on like a house on fire.

Sassy girl: I like other fruit as well, Miss Sassy.

Leni: He's in love with all three of his sisters? What a greedy fellow! I think that might be the Caligula complex, I'll have to look it up.

Dr Loser: There's no need to concern yourself with my legal representation as I already have a lawyer. Thanks for the offer nevertheless. My regards to your girlfriend - I wish her well in her career and her private life.

Blase: Your talent for face reading matches your skill for low-intensity urban warfare.

Rubbish: Never mind, something might occur to you after a 4th or 5th reading.

LBM: Thank you, madam, I shall treat you as a valued customer.
My wit is blunt today, so I'll just do a bit of greasing up.

You write well, GB, and not just for a non-human primate. Is there a book in the works? If not on the GB premise, surely your honed comedic writing skills could be applied to many forums.

You could earn a good living with this stuff if you don't already. The mainstream, to give them credit, just might be ready for you.

And weren't all those moon landing just done in a TV studio?

Love and kudos - Suzanne
Mr Bananas,

The guy with the Caligula complex is greedy, indeed. The 3 sisters are married, but even though, the 3 of them have a soft spot for him.

The hubbies don't care (they're too busy). His favourite sister is nº2. Her husband is often on a business trip. She loves him too. What the name of her complex? ;)
I'll have one of those bald goateed gigolos that you're considering for Sabrina thanks GB
First they came for the clowns, and I did not speak out — because I do not like clowns;
Next let them coame for the mimes, and I promise not to speak out then either.

My brother-in-law has just married an Indian girl, and is off to Bangalore in December for his first formal kicking, or लात महोत्सव as they call it there.
Cow thanks GB for the great visual and will now be thinking rubber-hollow everytime she sees a bald man.

And look what I've been missing! It's good to see you haven't changed a bit!

There are other, western-friendly, albeit metaphorical, ways to get kicked in the ass by one's mother-in-law -- like a house full of framed cross-stich. "Sons are Stupendous!" "Let it Snow!" And don't get me started on extremely fragile and ugly dust-collecting figurines. Give me the actual rear end treatment any day!
Suzanne: Thank you, dear lady. Fortunately I have no need of further riches so I can offer my services free of charge. The moon landings were certainly not faked, I have seen the moon rocks.

Leni: Possibly she is following in the footsteps of Lucrezia Borgia. I'm not sure whether this is technically a complex.

Nursemyra: If I catch one I'll send him to you by DHL, Nursie.

Mr Boyo: They wouldn't dare kick a Welshman now that international rugby is on satellite TV. They know what'll happen in a maul.

Topiary: Resist the temptation to oil and polish, Ms Cow.

Ana: Hello Ana, welcome back! Let me know if you want any help in disciplining your in-laws.
I invariably want to kick my mother in law. But fear for the damage to my shoes. She is too bony and break the delicate tip of the toe.
What happens if the daughter-in-law kicks back? My parents always told me that it was ok to hit back if someone else started it.

Also, I totally agree with Sabrina. Feel free to send me a gigolo as well.
a general eagerness for hairy poontang? I wonder if all apes are eager for hairy or if they prefer the occasional 'manscaped' female?
I wonder if you could get clown trousers on the outside of a spacesuit?
Watching The Duchess this week, we were told that in the 18th century it was legal for a man to hit his wife with a stick, providing it was no thicker than his thumb... This is just an extension of the same nonsense... only in some ways worse. Women brought up to be subservient and then put into a position of power over another poor creature. Sadly, in some cases, spitefulness will out. For myself, I took care of the gigolo thing myself and I think Im a much nicer person for it. Whether I'll make a good mother in law, only time will tell and I hope not for a fair few years yet :)
Madame Defarge: A good smack on the rump with a table tennis bat might suffice, Madame D.

Hermione: I'm going to have to start a gigolo escort agency. I never realised the demand was so great.

Auri: Apes have an aversion to shaven havens of any kind, Auri. We can tolerate it in human pornography, though.

The Jules: I'm sure it's possible, they are very elastic.

Joanna: You'll make the perfect mother-in-law for any man who knows a good arse when he sees one. I just hope he isn't too shy to compliment you.
I suppose human pornography to gorillas is much like National Geographic to humans...

especially this one episode I saw with a group of monkeys that greeted each other by humping... I felt like an voyeur just watching it...
They must have been bonobos, Auri. They are small pacifist apes who believe in making love rather than war. The females wear the pants in their society.
It's not that bad a law, provided that a) the number of kicks per day is limited and b) the mom wears boots to protect her toes from breakage.
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