Monday, October 05, 2009

High seas heroes


A Royal Navy vessel has confiscated £240 million worth of cocaine from a boat off the coast of Columbia.

“We’re absolutely delighted about the operation,” said the skipper of the Iron Duke.


Apparently they caught the drug smugglers off-guard and pounced on them before they could brush the dust from their moustaches. I hope they showed no mercy to those wretched villains. Walking the plank would have been too good for them.


My advice to Captain Stacey is to handle the captured booty with care. Don’t let the crew snort it all at once, but ration it like grog in the days of Lord Nelson. Double the quota on special occasions like the Queen’s Official Birthday, or the date that Lady Hamilton was requisitioned for Royal Navy service.


We gorillas never take drugs, of course. If I want to get high I climb a tree. But we make no judgements about those who do, and will act as facilitators for humans who dope themselves up in a responsible manner.


My ancestor Bo’sun Bananas volunteered to serve on a Royal Navy ship before the Battle of Trafalgar. HMS Tightbore had been ordered to patrol the West African coast to intercept any French men ‘o war fleeing to the Cape. Many mariners have taken fright at the sight of big British guns shooting off in the heat of battle. After weeks of pleasant sailing in balmy tropical waters, the supply of alcoholic beverages was running low.


“The blasted crew will mutiny if we don’t find a port to re-stock!” exclaimed Captain Ignatius Porthole.


“The problem is easily solved, Iggy,” said Bo’sun Bananas. “All I need is a day’s shore leave to collect some ingredients from the Congo Coast. When these sea dogs have swigged my jungle punch they’ll forget they ever tasted rum or beer!”


Captain Porthole did as my noble forebear suggested, and five barrels of the finest jungle hooch were duly prepared. The crew lapped it up like cream on a harlot’s nipples, and performed their duties with greater diligence and efficiency than ever before. The impending mutiny having thus been averted, everything seemed to be shipshape. However shortly after putting out to sea, the captain accosted the bo’sun while he was reading Moll Flanders in the gun deck.


“Bananas, you hairy varmint, the crew have gone mad!” he thundered. “They’ve replaced the White Ensign with the first lieutenant’s britches and are watching it swing in the breeze, grinning like village idiots. I’ll be hanged if it’s not your damnable concoction that’s scrambled their wits!”


“Watch your language, little lady,” replied my venerable progenitor coolly. “The liquor I rustled up contains an extract from the Wanga plant, which sharpens perception and imagination as well as improving dexterity. If the crew want to fly the first lieutenant’s britches on the mast, it’s probably the best place for them.”


Captain Porthole stomped away grumbling and cursing, knowing better than to tangle with a gorilla. He was eventually persuaded to take some of the brew himself, which immediately calmed his turbulent disposition. He later relinquished command to the first officer so he could wander around barefoot on deck, singing sentimental ballads with his toenails painted red.


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Comments:
Ah, Carry On Jack - what a great film that was (for a Carry On film anyway) :)
 
I adore the idea of being cooped up on a long sea voyage with no entertainment except for that which we make with our own hands.
 
Merely reading about this made me a little seasick; I can't even sit on a boat without the urge of showing people my breakfast, lunch or supper. Sadly.
 
Contrary to the French sailors who suffered from malnutrition due to this embargo of Shit!!! 98 cannons of the Prince of Wales, were taken in front of a court-martial for visible lack of attack... Then Napoleon gave order to Villeneuve (vice-admiral) not to turn the back to the Englishmen, not knowing the morals of these people there!
And then, Perched in the tops of the ship, a French seaman spotted easily, in the middle of the smoke and of the rubbish of the bridge of "Victory", a small slim man surveying the dunette. A fragile, well-known silhouette of all, the right sleeve of the jersey of which was attached to the waistcoat. The single bullet to Robert Guillemard, rifleman of Provençal origin on board of the "Redoutable" is enough, to put an end to the career of one of the biggest sailors of all time: the admiral Horatio Nelson.

Since the big British cannons, serve Frenchman of bite of moorings in harbours:)

For the pleasure of eyes
 
That sounds like a Navy I'd consider joining.
 
Your ancestor certainly was talented! Strangely enough, my ancestors were bootleggers back in the day. Coincidence? I think not!
 
I'm a landlubber
 
almost every drug i've ever tried resulted in me eating almost an entire meatloaf and falling asleep. almost no variation each instance.

i honestly admire smugglers. they have balls like i'll never know. and they're good with boats. i'm not so good with boats.
 
Yo ho ho! Of course, "grog in the days of Lord Nelson" was the proper stuff "cut" with something else. I suggest Captain Stacey adds two thirds Domestos or perhaps Double Action Harpic before his crew starts snorting the charlie - that might do wonders for their sinuses into the bargain.
 
Red Squirrel: I prefer the ones with Hattie Jacques in them.

Madame Defarge: Only with one's hands, Madame D? What about one's feet? I would be terribly bored if I couldn't have fun with my toes.

Ladytruth: So no cruise for you on your honeymoon. Maybe a safari would suit you better.

Crabbers: Thank you for the historical information, Monsieur. Lord Nelson was too proud to protect his life by disguising himself as a woman. Did Napoleon ever wear ladies' clothes?

The Jules: I believe the Royal Navy is still recruiting, although you'd have to come to the Congo to enjoy my jungle punch.

Hermione: I'm sure our ancestors would have enjoyed exchanging recipes, although moonshine is not fruity enough for the jungle palate.

Nursemyra: That's just as well, Nursie, you'd be too much of a distraction for the sailors.

Kara: That's because Mother Nature wants you to live a clean life. Want some boating lessons?

Gadjo: A lot of cleaning products do have a wonderful aroma, don't they? I prefer the ones with lemon juice in them.
 
Oooh yes i agree with The Jules!!!

Do yoh to know if Captain Stacey needs more hands on the deck??? :p

I wouldn't mind being holed up on a boat fr months with armed men :p
 
You have me put doubt !?
 
I once had to sub a story about in increase in South American drug seizures at Madrid airport. I'm still annoyed that my headline - "Cocaine in Spain Comes Mainly in By Plane" - was spiked. Curse you, Methodist Recorder!
 
It is of good war :)

Any body drags its shadow and any mind its doubt.
On the other hand my grandfather who was not a landlubber... was "The Immortal ones" a Grenadier (OF the IMPERIAL GUARD) it wore the bearskin and trousers without hole of ball ! Back entirety he could marry his heroine .

Of course all this is friendly :)
 
I prefer pirates.
 
Funny thing that Wanga plant. I'm curious about it. Do you think I could have a little bit to pour it in Big Cheese's coffee?

"Cocaine in Spain Comes Mainly in By Plane"? (I thought Cocaine in Spain stays mainly in the plain...)
 
You would certainly be welcome in the yachting club Captain Bananas! You walk the walk and float the float - so to speak. Is it true that gorillas can't swim though?
 
What produce fermented bananas ?? The munkoyo !?
I am persuaded that gorillas, who do not dope themselves , live however in drunkenness !
 
Sabrina: Would you enjoy putting handcuffs on people, Saby?

Crabbers: So Napoleon was a transvestite! The jungle hooch is not made from fermented bananas, Crabbers. The recipe is an old gorilla secret.

Mr Boyo: Did they think it was too flippant? Or was their lack of poetic appreciation the problem?

Ms Owo: You don't mind pirate beards then? I suggest you fumigate them first.

Leni: Don't you want to try it yourself, Leni? It might give you a few ideas for how to handle Big Cheese.

Mutley: As your "yachting club" probably involves playing with toy boats in a local pond, my swimming abilities would not be tested.
 
You climb a tree to get high?
I taught tree climbing was meant to firm and tone your butt.
 
Free Drugs like free food is believed to be of no caloric value, most people cam't resist free anything.
 
I have a colleage who recently joined the navy. Being a sexual deviant he was ideal. Having returned for 3 months working in Portsmouth after 9 months in South America he confirmed what we suspected he'd get up to out there.
 
taught = thought :)
 
Is that the true story of how Coca Cola was invented?
 
Mmmmmm seamen. I love me some seamen.
 
Right mate, that's a yar post if I've ever read one. A pirate gorilla is damn hot. Surely the gorilla gals went wild for Cpt. Bananas, eh?
 
Ooooh i would enjoy that very much!

But i would enjoy being handcuffed even more!!! :p
 
Donut girl: You are quite right, Ms Donut, gorilla butts are incredibly firm. But you can also get high if the tree is tall enough. I'll give you a tree-climbing lesson if you visit the Congo.

Secreteria: They pay with their sanity, Ms S.

Emerson: South America, eh? Isn't that the place to go for trannies?

Lady Daphne: The earliest version of Coca Cola did contain cocaine, but it wouldn't have been suitable for the ships of that era, which lacked refrigeration. I'm sure a gorilla had a hand in its creation, nevertheless.

Lola: You love seamen, Ms Lakely? I find that rather hard to swallow.

Sassy girl: Gorilla girls will go wild for almost anyone when they're in season, Ms Sassy. But I'll try wearing a pirate costume to see what they make of it.

Sabrina: If you were handcuffed, Saby, I would pinch your cheeks before unlocking you.
 
I do wonder what deep insight led that ancient crew to replace the White Ensign with the first lieutenant’s britches and are what they saw when they watched it swing in the breeze.

Do you think you could still brew some jungle punch according to your family's recipe? I bet it'd do great in contemporary London...
 
The editor in question was deaf to romance. His headline, "Drug seizure at Madrid airport", had a sort of Puritan integrity, I suppose.
 
I have something for you over at my blog :)
 
Cocaine what's it all about eh? I remember taking it once and getting a raging thirst no water could quench and then crunching on a bag of crisps for about half an hour - they were so dry like eating sawdust. And then I felt like hell the next day. Can't say it was worth it.
 
If a glass of the wonderful jungle punch sharpens my perception and imagination and improves my dexterity to handle Big Cheese in such a way that I manage to send him to Tombuctu for the rest of his life, then I accept your kind invitation to drink.

Cheers!
 
If only more ships were staffed with officers singing, toenails painted, the world would be a better place.

Especially that lady in the officer's uniform, front and center in your picture.

Moo!
 
Carry on Jack- what a great film. Good thing for Jungle juice.
 
Borah: Never guess what's in the mind of a sea dog, Deb. It's not a place you want to go. You'll have to come to the Congo if you want to taste our jungle punch.

Mr Boyo: He must have failed to see the funny side of cocaine, the humourless prig.

Ladytruth: Your generosity overwhelms me, Miss

Emma: Are you sure you snorted in properly, Emma? It sounds as if you put it in your tea.

Leni: It will do all that and more, Leni. I'll keep a bottle on ice for you.

Topiary Cow: Her name is Juliet Mills, Ms Cow. I'm glad you don't see anything wrong with an officer of the British crown painting his toenails.

Old Tarf: And Bernard Cribbins in drag!
 
grimy bastard made me paint his toenails in my nickers... I drew the line when he asked for rhinestones.
 
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