Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Backyard antics

Dallas police are trying to catch a masked fat man who sneaks into back gardens and dances in the nude. The nature of the dance wasn’t specified, but I’d guess it was closer to samba than waltz.

“We need to catch him before it develops into something more serious,” said Senior Corporal Janice Crowther.

Is it my imagination, or is there a hint of wishful thinking in that statement? I’ve never met Ms Crowther, but I assume she would rather arrest a notorious sex fiend than a pathetic exhibitionist. The former is an achievement that would put her in contention for the ‘Silver Handcuffs of Texas’ award, while the latter might make her the subject of an editorial in FEMDOM magazine. I sense she wants the garden prowler to up his game, so she can win acclaim as the plucky little lady who lassoed the long-horn bull.

Be that as it may, I don’t think this fellow is close to committing an assault. The next stage in the development of his act would be self-abuse. Have a look at the chimpanzees at your local zoo. When they get bored of dancing, the first thing they do is play with their genitals. The idea of breaking out of their enclosure and goosing a fat woman never occurs to them unless they have a burning grievance. I suspect that the Dallas Dangler has a long and crooked road to travel before he starts jumping on people.

Is exposing oneself in somebody’s back garden that big a deal? Opinions are divided at the safari guesthouse. A lady wrestler from California says the masked intruder would be welcome to do his thing in her place as long as he first booked an appointment.

“What would you do when he arrived?” I ask.

“I’d invite the neighbours to watch, video the performance, and tip him five bucks if he shook it up good.”

“What if he wasn’t satisfied with your tip?”

“People are always satisfied with my tips, baby,” she replies tartly.

It’s easy for her to talk, of course. He wouldn’t dare take liberties with a lady wrestler for fear of having his nipples tweaked. But if the average Dallas housewife saw him flaunting his flabby bits on her property, she’d be well within her rights to reach for her rifle and fire a warning shot between his legs.

If he ever turned up in my jungle retreat, I would shoo him away as discretely as possible – naked humans are a needless distraction for us gorillas and tend to attract mosquitoes. It would also be for his own safety. If my females got hold of him, he’d find out what it felt like to be a lump of dough in a bakery.

Given the zeal with which Officer Crowther is pursuing this case, it seems inevitable that the man will be caught sooner rather than later. I hope they don’t send him to prison. He obviously has an irrepressible desire to perform in public and I doubt he’d find the right audience in a Texas penitentiary. A more constructive sentence would be community service as a cowboy’s assistant in a rodeo. I, for one, would love to see a cigarette whipped out from between his butt cheeks.

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Sounds like a Peter Griffin (Family Guy) look-a-like. I guess everyone has to have a hobby.
Dancing, jumping fences, climbing up on AC units, maybe it’s a weight loss effort. Let’s applaud the big guy.
And that last picture is just… I need a drink.

ps. I don’t really think you look like Peter Griffin but be honest GB. Have you been making trips to Dallas?
Flagrant abuse and misuse of a cigarette. (I know I'm missing the bigger point here, but they are quite expensive for all the shit you have to go through to enjoy one in peace).

You are a lovely gorilla.
That guy at the zoo nakes is hysterical!

Is exposing oneself in somebody’s back garden that big a deal?

not if they water my tomato plant while they're back there. then it's doing me a favor.

also, that cigarette lit?
Ha, yes, Donut Girl is right - it is Peter Griffin! I cancelled my susbscription to FEMDOM magazine when they did the 4-page pictorial on lollypop ladies but in a mistaken attempt to be PC refused to photograph them holding their lollypops.
I think it would be quite easy to refuse a cigarette from that cheeky bastard... And why is it that the sexy men never want to run around naked in random backyards? It's always the large men with hairy moles. bleh.
I'm just worried about the level of artistry shown by this bahookie painting. It does not show the fine brushwork one might expect or indeed hope for.
that's a very odd way to enjoy a cigarette
Donut girl: I'm glad you appreciate the amateur performer, Ms Donut. Everyone has to start somewhere. I have visited Houston but not Dallas. And only backyards with plenty of vegetation interest me.

Ana: Thank you, Ana, you are a lovely human. I hope you quit smoking soon.

Scretaria: Would you let him into your back garden?

Kara: I never realised you grew home vegetables, Missy. Your grade point average has just shot up.

Gadjo: Did you ever have a crush on the lollypop lady, Gadjo? Women who can order cars to stop must be quite impressive to a school boy.

Auri: I believe that sexy men only strip off indoors for hard cash. If you want it free in your backyard, you have to settle for fat and wobbly.

Madame: You are right, Madame Defarge, it must be difficult to maintain the canvas in a stationary position. Michelangelo would have surely made a better fist of it.

Nursemyra: Is it possible to inhale from that orifice, Nursie?
Just an FYI, I am running naked through a back yard as we speak... and typing, yes... I want to be part of your clan, Gorilla...
I've run naked through my yard once. Fortunately I was only seen by the neighbors and the UPS man... not the local news. Though I suppose it would be an interesting way of breaking in to the film business.

And you talk about nipple tweaking as if it's a bad thing. Shame.
I don't know if he's that harmless, if I looked out at night and saw him dancing in my garden I'm pretty sure i'd have a heart attack. I hope no one shoots the poor old git mistaking him for a moose you know how trigger happy those texans are.
The police seem to need to re-focus on appropriate measures.

Handcuffs just don't cover every situation.

Or shouldn't.

You're right, that Ms Crowther sounds like a bit of a dom, doesn't she? Poor guy, I envisage a gloomy future for him.

Personally, I prefer the gorgeous indoors strippers...
I am worried about mosquitoes when I dance naked in peoples gardens - any tips for avoiding them big fella?
Organic Meatback: My females would use you as a sex toy. Still interested?

Ms OWO: Sounds like a great way of opening the pores and working up a sweat. Don't let a female wrestler tweak your nipples, those gals don't know their own strength.

Emma: A catapult would be a good weapon to use against him if you've got one. I bet a pebble between the butt cheeks would keep him a safe distance.

Topiary cow: I've never seen a taser used on a naked man. It might disable him in a way that makes him safe for women...and men.

Leni: I think Officer Crowther wants to be the Eliot Ness of the sex fiend fraternity. I bet she like indoor strippers as well.

Mutley: Rub yourself with horse piss and the mosquitoes will choke on your skin. Don't blame me if you get arrested though.
Oh dear. The cellulite! I feel quite queasy. However, his is a worthy mission, in this world of sheep and conformists, and I wish him well.

Boy GB, just look at the pics on the comments. You get some very hot babes commenting! I hope your females aren't the jealous type.
He would keep the cats away I suppose. I've given up smoking, by the way. That last picture just reminded me to let you know.
Ah, Mr. B.

I'm glad that your output is as prolific as ever.

You raise a valid question, certainly. I don't believe that exposing oneself in a back garden is so heinous a crime. There is a cat who slinks along the garden fence next door who wears nothing.

I doubt the cat would mind if I were to wander past his abode in the buff.

Contextr is everything in these matters, as always.
I wonder if the severity of reaction (and maybe even sentence if cuaght) for the naked exhibitionist depends on how attractive one is?

If you're gorgeous, you get a wry smile and a small fine.

If you're a munter, you get the chair.

The bad chair. With the wobbly leg and no cushion.
Good heavens! If Ruf ever paints a face on my fabulous derriere, there is going to be trouble! Although, I did say a picture of a fabulous Homer Simpson cartoon on a pussy once...

As to naked men dancing in one's garden, I really think they need to be seen off by the gardeners, before resorting to local law enforcement.
I never know when you have posted, you don't have a 'followers section'.

The man just needs some attention, nothin' wrong with that. Some good direction and wise counsel for the man would be appreciated by others, I'm sure.

ps- you don't realize that you set yourself up over at my Blog. In time...
Suzanne: You're pretty hot yourself, Suzanne. The picture of you wearing clowns make-up is particularly seductive for an ex-circus ape.

Lady Daphne: That's very good news, milady. The method of smoking shown in that picture carries minimal health risks if you keep a bucket of water nearby.

Mosha: Welcome back, good sir! Yes, cats are very tolerant about that sort of thing. They'd probably accept food from a naked human.

The Jules: I suspect that even the ugly would get away with it if they exploited their comic potential.

Joanna: How about having your whole body painted in the colours of a national flag, Joanna? The Brazilian national colours might look good on you.

Blase: I knew you'd have sympathy for the man - you must understand him pretty well. You can follow me from your blogger dashboard if you want.
I have to agree with you Bananas. I see nothing wrong with dancing in the nude in someone's backyard. People hould just chill and try to enjoy it as some form of entertainment
If you ever get the urge, Saby, I've got a nice piece of garden for you.
I love that picture.
I love that picture.
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