Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Squeezing the rich

Clare Irby, heiress to the Guinness fortune, has been cleared of allowing a strange man to fondle her breasts. I never realised it was illegal, but then I’m no expert on human law. Maybe she was charged under a new statute designed to prevent the spread of nipple rash. I’m glad she didn’t claim she was groped against her will, which would have got her off the hook at the expense of sending an innocent man to the chokey. Is it now possible for a man to touch a woman’s breasts without someone getting arrested? I think this legal point needs to be resolved before a lot of bemused couples outside nightclubs are hauled away by the police.

An English tourist at the safari guesthouse has an interesting take on the story. He says the authorities prosecuted Ms Irby because they are taking a hard line against the rich in the current economic downturn.

“People don’t like seeing a posh society bird getting her tits rubbed when they are struggling to make ends meet,” he explains.

Should a woman who’s never done a stroke of honest work in her life be permitted to allow a stranger to caress her cupcakes at a time when ordinary folk are losing their jobs? Put like that, the case against her seems very strong. Yet on reflection, I feel that the rich should enjoy themselves whatever the economic climate. If they stop having fun, what hope is there for the rest of society? As long as they temper their hedonism with charity for those less fortunate, they should be allowed to stimulate their bosoms in peace.

We should examine the circumstances of the Irby case in more detail. She was on an aeroplane when the incident occurred, presumably sitting in first class. Hence the man who stroked her boobs must have also been a first class traveller. This would have made the economy passengers feel particularly resentful. It’s bad enough knowing that people in first class get better food and more leg-room – giving them a fresh pair of titties to fondle is really rubbing the budget traveller’s nose in it.

I would advise Ms Irby to spread her favours more widely out of noblesse oblige. She could invite an unemployed man to paw her chest on a regular basis – maybe even let a tramp do it once in a while (after washing his hands). Rich people are not disliked for their wealth, per se, but for their arrogance and snobbery, manifested in the presumption that their tits are too good for the common man. If Clare projects herself in the right way, making her bosom a plaything for deserving men of all classes, the masses will surely idolise her in the manner of the late Princess Diana.

It seems that one of the aggravations of being a young woman of note is that your titties become a topic of public debate. A victim of such ignoble chatter is Jennifer Aniston, who was
forced to deny having implants. I certainly believe her, even though her dumplings do look more succulent than in her Friends days. Perhaps the best way for Jennifer to scotch the rumour would be to come clean about the natural methods she has presumably been using. Humans should never be ashamed of applying creams, gels or suction cups to their bodies. As a former circus ape, I can assure you it was common practice among the grandi artisti.

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Jens puppies are looking very succulent indeed.
It really winds me up when Women like Jen say "I never seem to meet the right Man"? WTF.
Get your head out of your arse and come to Cardiff and I'll take you out for a few beers and a Curry.
I think they're looking more succulent because they're about an inch lower than her 'Friends' days.... :)
This entry Sir, is THE TITS!

See what I did there? Always topical, I am.

As for Jennifer Aniston's baps, I neither know nor care if she's been enhanced. People ought to be more concerned about her personality bypass.
The rich get richer and the poor get thrown in jail for being drunk on an airplane.

I honestly don’t think Jennifer's breasts are bigger. Probably photoshop.
"Clare Irby...was accused of drinking up to 12 glasses of red wine on the flight from Bangalore, India, to London's Heathrow Airport on March 26."
(from "Socialite Clare Irby cleared of plane drinking charge")

A woman leaves Bangalore on a plane. It is a totally secure enviroment, travelling at high speeds (A Boeing 747-400 will travel a high-subsonic cruise speed of Mach 0.85) and, above all, around 45,000 to 60,000 feet above the ground. So how in Hell is she accused of drinking 12 glasses of red wine? She either is or isn't because the only people who can serve her drinks are also in a secure enviroment, travelling at Mach 0.85 and around 45,000 feet above the nearest peanut farmer.

"...Irby denied letting fellow passenger Daniel Melia, 36, touch her breast, and said she did not strip to her knickers in order to change from her yellow skirt into warmer black leggings"

Look, she could have performed a pole dance and a light bit of fellating before touchdown. She was accused of being drunk and every other detail is irrelavant to the case at hand.

All that aside, if there is a line to "caress her cupcakes" I'll start washing my hands around now.
thaaaats not a picture of jennifer aniston. google images has betrayed you.
Interesting social analysis, Bananas. But if you're heir to the Guinness fortune then surely you'd expect to get your tits roughly fondled at some time - it's like the whole point of Guinness, isn't it?
Rubbish: Well you've got a way with the ladies, but I doubt Jen has the passion of the average Cardiff vixen.

Red Squirrel: You've got a good eye for measuring distance. I'd say they were still higher than most.

Vegetable Assassin: I used to do regular titty posts, Ms VA. I believe Fatman (below) has returned to comment out of nostalgia. As for Jen, I think she needs a good TV role to bring out her personality.

Donut girl: Well at least you don't have to be rich to have nice boobs, Ms Donut. Or get them fondled.

Fatman: Fatman returns for the titty post. I bet she wouldn't have been arrested if she'd been flying Qantas. Getting drunk and fondling tits is part of the in-flight service for you Aussies.

Kara: I didn't get it from google images, I sent her a fan letter. You'd only know it was fake if you were her secretary. You must have pretended you liked Friends to get the job.

Gadjo: Does drinking Guinness really give you the urge to grope someone's breasts? You'd better not drink it in a pub full of rugby players, then.
Someone from coach probably overheard the air hostess speak about the fondling of the boobs and feeling robbed and jealous of this wonderful sight, decided to complain. Most likely a man. Only human, the poor thing.
GB, yet another enlightened post bringing to our attention causes which we were heretofore blissfully unaware of. I am now considering breasts in a manner which is alien, but not displeasing.
Could you do a post on exercise. Might have the same effect.
She gets let off scot-free and she was engaged in erotic rubbing with another passenger, whilst I get a lifetime ban from Ryan Air and I was only doing it to myself.

Honestly, it's one rule for the rich, and another for everyone else.
Imagine what this defense lawyer cost. Though since she is rich guess she doesn't care.

Myself, I'd be nicer to the airplane attendant next time, perhaps even leaving a large tip!

Oh, so the rich also cry... Clare should make her boobs available to all social classes. She may need to drink some gallons of Guinness, though...
"If they stop having fun, what hope is there for the rest of society?"


I don't mean to be a snob, but I'm not sure having rough working class claws on her velvety chest or even clammy unemployed fingers on her silken nipples would count as "having fun"!
It's my body, I'll let anyone I want to fondle me!

Ladytruth: I suspect they were more jealous of the actual touching. She would have probably let anyone do it in her condition.

Millennium Housewife: Well thank you, Mrs Housewife, I am glad to have given you some ideas. I favour tree climbing as a exercise.

The Jules: Maybe they would have been more lenient if you'd been in first class. That sort of thing can get quite messy in economy.

Topiary: Good idea, Ms Cow. If she'd been a bit more generous to the flight crew they might not have snitched on her.

Leni: Does Guinness really have that effect on women, Leni? I'll have to look out for this when I visit Ireland.

Borah: Well you never know until you've tried it, Deb. Lady Chatterley acquired a taste for it pretty quickly.

Secretia: Well said, Miss! May you continue to be fondled to your bosom's content!
I don't recall Ralph Fiennes getting into any trouble when a Qantas flight attendant was sacked for having sex with him in the First Class toilets...
Mr Bananas, too much Guinness has that effect on women in the South Sandwich Islands -I guess Irish women are used to it and can control their behaviour much better-.

Cheers! (*raises her glass of Guinness and drinks a toast to you*)
Rich or not, one should be charitable whenever possible.

Therefore, I always let strangers grab my tits. After, of course, they wash their hands. There are a lot of germs going around right now, you know.
You have a good working vocabulary. I counted 9 different synonyms for hooters.

Curious as to whether there is a sense of Noblese Oblige in the Gorilla World?
I'd like to fondle Clare's breasts again...but they'd just toss me in the clink again.
As Troll Y2K pointed out, I too was astounded by your many synonyms for the boobies. I may have to steal some of them from time to time for my own personal use.

I personally don't care whose having their boobies fondled or not fondled. If this is considered "newsworthy", I suppose the next thing I'll be hearing about is whether or not Hugh Hefner was able to get it up while being surrounded by four bunnies on an airplane trip and whether or not his erection was considered "sufficient" enough by the stewardess.

This one is just too easy...
Nursemyra: They sacked her for that? I hope the Aussies aren't losing their easygoing nature.

Leni: And I raise my glass of fermented coconut milk to you, Leni. If you're going to get tipsy, do it in the right company (as we say in the jungle).

Ms OWO: I always suspected you had a generous side to your character. Let me know if you need a chaperone.

Troll Y2K: Indeed there is, a silverback is expected to look after his tribe. I am also kind to monkeys that don't piss on my head.

Static: I think you should apply for the job of Clare's butler. Those fellas can get away with anything behind closed doors.

Hermione: Borrow all the booby synonyms you like, Hermione. I tried to stick to medically approved terms. What made this case newsworthy was the woman getting arrested. I'd laugh my head off if Hef got arrested for having a flaccid erection. It would serve him right, of course.

Blase: I was hoping you'd tell us whether you prefer hand-to-booby or face-to-booby.
Guess it's good I got out of the game when I did...
@ Banana-split * Are they allowed to explode frozen burritos in her microwave?
As I recall Jen was getting it on with a former brickie from dahn our way only recently and then passed him on to one of her celeb mates. I suppose if you rely on a photo editor to shop out your wrinkles and blemishes, it's only natural to expect him to enhance your tits as well...
Auri: You mean you used to be flight attendant, Auri?

Static: Forget about microwaves, you'll have to cook everything properly in her oven.

Joanna: Shame it didn't work out. Do you think his hands were too rough for her?
I wonder whether it would help sell more tickets, if airlines were to advertise Ms. Irby's travel plans in advance.

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