Monday, September 21, 2009

Peeping Yeti

A 19-year-old woman is claiming that she was stalked by a yeti who watched her as she bathed in a river. She should be so lucky. I don't know whether yetis exist, but I’m certain they wouldn't waste time spying on women if they did. Life in the wild is tough. You've got to forage for food, keep predators at bay and find a mate to breed with. Watching women splash about in rivers is a frivolous diversion from these essential activities. Nor would the yeti have got any pleasure from the spectacle. There’s no point getting excited about females you can’t impregnate.

It’s the old story. An arrogant human intrudes into a wild habitat and behaves as if the resident creatures were trespassers. Perhaps the woman got some sort of satisfaction from imagining that a big hairy monster was ogling her with lustful eyes. The whole thing sounds like pure fantasy on her part. Instead of making spurious allegations about yetis, she should join a dating site and find some unshaven roughneck who’ll sweep her off her feet.

Even if a yeti did happen to be in the vicinity, his only interest in the woman would have been to make sure she didn’t foul his drinking water. Had I been there, I would have offered him some friendly advice:

“Mr Yeti,” I would have said, “humans are big-headed creatures. If you observe them intently they inevitably think you want to have sex with them. Nubile women who paddle in rivers are particularly susceptible to this delusion. Give them a casual glance and they automatically assume you want to put your head between their jahoobies and make gurgling noises.”

Let no one forget that the Peeping Tom is an exclusively human archetype. Back in my circus days, the female acrobats always made me check their changing room for strategically placed holes drilled by villainous schoolboys. I soon became adept at sniffing out such apertures and filling them with cement. I once offered to stay in the room with the girls in the hope of catching one of the rascals in the act and giving him a poke in the eye. They thanked me for my concern but decided, on reflection, that prevention was more important than punishment. I shrugged my shoulders philosophically. It made no difference to me, of course.

This suggests another possible explanation for the alleged yeti incident: that the creature stalking the woman was a man in disguise. A cowardly human voyeur would think nothing of framing an innocent yeti for his own depraved acts. I’ve a good mind to organise an expedition to trap the impostor. We would need porters, a medic, a guide and a woman in a bathing suit to act as bait. I’m sure there would be no shortage of volunteers for this noble venture.

A plague on all the stalkers, peepers and flashers who make life uncomfortable for their victims. Small wonder that women are skittish about yetis when they have to put up with such vexations in their everyday lives. Why are men so hung-up on visual stimulation? It’s a mystery to us silverbacks. We’ll pamper any female who smells good, feels good and makes good noises.

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More than likely it was a bear wandering by and wondering if she was going to catch any trout. Not sure if the bear was trying to observe her technique or if he was going to chastise her for hunting in his section of the stream.
Funny how the camera can't stay still. What the heck is that boy doing with his hands?

I don't think a yeti would be interested in a woman either. What would be the attraction? I think it's the other way around. Women don't see the hairy ape-like creature, but the brute of a man that they want to see. It's lust at first sight.

As for the peeping Tom - an accidental peep is ok as long as you don't act like an ass afterwards, not that I know anything about that, but some people take it too far. I've never had a peep *cough, liar, cough*
Personally, I assume very man who notices my existence wants access to my jahoobies and that is why I don't bother wearing a top.

Also, it's gratifying to see someone other than me use the word "jahoobies". Such a tasteful gorilla.
Most women seem more interested in Bigfoot.

I presume it's a size thing.
"put your head between their jahoobies and make gurgling noises"

Now THAT is this Cow's idea of a good time!

A gorilla that can fill peeping holes with cement? Hope they paid you a decent salary at the circus
Chris V: She's certainly no danger to the trout, the bear shouldn't worry about that. If anything, the trout would get fatter from nibbling her feet.

Donut Girl: How should one behave after an accidental peek, Ms Donut? I think I would write a poem in praise of your jahoobies.

Vegetable Assassin: The assumption may be correct in your case, it's difficult to comment without having seen your jahoobies. I'll take your word for it anyway.

The Jules: Don't forget the hairiness, birds require a nest.

Topiary Cow: I assume you are speaking from the viewpoint of the receiver, Ms Cow. Hopefully it will be fun for both parties.

Ladytruth: One must try to develop a broad range of skills, Miss Ladytruth. I'm sure you are good at many more things than netball.
A yeti worked as a streetcleaner in Dushanbe, the well-dusty capital of Tajikistan, until the late 80s. according to locals I knew. He'd retired before the BBC could interview him. I gather he married a local Russian divorcee.
I always assume men are peeping through my windows. Makes things more interesting. And though I've never bathed in a river, I'd probably assume the same there.

Like you, I'm more inclined to believe that this yeti was a man in costume. And while that woman may not appreciate his peeping, I most certainly don't mind. Send him to join the crowd around my windows. Tissues not included.
Would a girl Yeti swoon over a strapping young man?
Mr Bananas, may I apply for the position of 'female-bait-in-the-expedition-to-trap-the-impostor'?

I smell good, feel good and make good noises. ;)
Having been entralled by 'Alone in the Wild' on Channel 4, may I venture to suggest that the 'yeti' was just an unshaven, unwashed man who has spent several months at one with nature and had seen no other human life for all that time and suddenly finds a woman in a stream frightening away his lunch...?
The woman getting banged by the yeti was strangely erotic, yet somehow familiar.

Secretia Teller
I see what you did there....
If she's nubile and anything like the girl in the photo then unshaven roughneck signing in.
I'll volunteer as your medic
Mr Boyo: Why didn't the BBC want to interview him after he had retired? Was it a superstitious fear of the aged yeti brought on by excessive immersion in local folklore?

Ms OWO: I think you'd be a popular teacher in a boys' school. I assume the peeper would get a better show if you knew he was there.

CatLady: I doubt it very much. A strapping man would look puny and bald to a lady yeti.

Leni: I'm glad to hear that, Leni. You deserve a bit of pampering so you've got the job.

Joanna: If he was a man he had must have had a guilty conscience about something, given how quickly he ran away. Do you think he was playing with himself?

Secretia: Which woman got banged by a yeti? Such accusations should not be thrown about lightly - they might result in anti-yeti hysteria.

Red Squirrel: Hmm. Well don't tell anyone then.

Rubbish: You can be the medic. Do you know any first aid?

Nursemyra: I think Mr Rubbish beat you to it, Nursie.
Lustful eyes. That phrase is made of win.
Unless I can touch it, squeeze it, lick it, suck it, and drill it...I don't need to be lookin' at it.
Maybe our dear Mr. GB put on his Yeti costume for an evening of frivolity and is just too embarrassed to admit it?

Think on it...
Timing, dear GB. Nyurt', as I believe he was called, spent most of his working life under the Soviet regime, which didn't let low BBC types into sensitive areas like the Afghan border to interview cryptzoological specimens. The intrepid Monica Whitlock only made it there in the mid-90s, by which time he'd moved back to Darkest Badakhshan.
Visual stimulation? Interesting. Be it of a sexual or violent nature, they both appear vastly popular. What are we to do, Gorilla?
Yeti, as you well know, only lives in the Himalayas. That was his Polish Tatra cousin, the Fotoszopski. I should also point out that Super Express is the Polish equivalent of the National Enquirer.
Personally I have always found peeping toms rather amusing not to mention ridiculous. I remember staying in some godforsaken port in Spain and every time my friend and I turned around there was some spaniard behind a tree waving his todger, smiling and waving at us. It was quite touching really.
Sally: I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds good.

Blase: I'm sure you'd be capable of all those things without looking at all.

Auri: I'm hairy enough already, Auri. I'd get cooked in my own juices if I put on a yeti suit.

Mr Boyo: They should have paid him to defect. He might have had a career as a game show celebrity in the West, like the late Willie Rushton.

Emerson: Exercise and cold showers, mate. You've got the facilities for both.

Lady Daphne: Do you think the video clip was faked, milady? Her screams sounded a bit over the top.

Emmak: He sounds like a flasher rather than a peeping tom. I suppose you'd already seen plenty when he exposed himself, so there was nothing there to shock you.
With Mr Rubbish on board you're going to need TWO medics
the bigger question here is what the hell was she bathing in a river for? in this day and age of water heaters and craigslist...there's just no excuse for going to such lengths.

and i did get your hint, but my time in london was not my own. next time.
Well stated. What egos humans have. My guess is that all "Yetis" are bears with mange.
Nursemyra: Yes, Nursie, he'll need his own personal physician. You can keep him properly medicated for us.

Kara: Quite right, humans should leave rivers to the fish. And the yetis.

Troll: Bears with mange and swollen humanoid feet.
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