Wednesday, September 02, 2009

A generous offer


A pat on the back for the Kenyan man who offered Hillary Clinton twenty cows and forty goats for her daughter’s hand in marriage. Hilldog thanked him graciously and promised to convey his proposal to Chelsea, but shouldn’t a mother do more than act as a mere go-between? I hope she sits down with Chelsea and reviews her current list of suitors, putting a line through all the fortune-hunters and gigolos without a cow or goat to their name. That’s the kind of hands-on parenting I like to see in my human cousins.

The Clintons are denying that their 29-year-old daughter is planning to marry this year. If I were Chelsea’s godmother, I’d advise her to get hitched while the bloom is still fresh on the rose. The latest pictures of her suggest that her resemblance to pappy is growing stronger by the day. He’s not a bad looking fellow by any means, but his features won’t travel well across the gender divide. Can anyone imagine a less attractive woman than Bill Clinton in drag? I tried to do so and it gave me stomach cramps.


Whenever the wedding occurs, I doubt it will be a highlight of the social calendar. Knowing Bill, he’ll want to hold in it Arkansas so that every Cletus and Thetus who knew him when he was governor can pay his respects. I pity the guests from out of state who’ll have to spend a couple of days in a place devoid of tourist attractions. The Holidays in Hicksville guide says the state’s main leisure activities are possum-hunting, square-dancing and speculating on which children are the product of an incestuous union.


The Arkansans should learn from their cowboy cousins in Oklahoma, who have put up a bronze statue of Angelina Jolie suckling her twins. The breasts are entirely visible and you couldn’t wish to see rounder pair of milk dumplings. I should imagine it will quickly become a place of pilgrimage for those who venerate the mother in all her boobaceous munificence. The only problem with the sculpture is the presence of the feeding twins, who will prevent visitors from allowing their own infants to suck on Angelina’s bronze nipples. Maybe she should go there in person every month to wet-nurse the lucky winner of a raffle.


Chelsea, of course, is much too sophisticated and intelligent to have people thinking about her breasts. Even the manager of the safari camp, who is a fanatical boob-man, admitted that he hadn’t considered them until I brought up the subject. A lot of credit must go to Chelsea herself, who has never been tempted to take part in a wet t-shirt competition or allowed herself to be photographed in a bikini. This is the behaviour of a young woman who expects to have a career in high politics. You can’t have good working relationships with foreign statesmen if they’re thinking about your tits the whole time.


Yet according to my friend
Kola Boof, women won’t truly be liberated until they can walk around topless without caring what men think about it. The goddess, she points out, is traditionally bare-breasted to excite the fervour of her devotees. Thus a woman who exposes her bosom is actually projecting her divine spark. I have my reservations about this argument, but I’m not going to debate titties with Kola. Those who want to cross swords with her may ask me for her email address.

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Comments:
I just couldn't do the whole walking about topless thing. My office pass would bounce around and I'd be worried about people offering to lick up the hot chocolate drips. I think I'll keep my divine spark under wrap and available only to a registered CORGI fitter.
 
Superb post. Funnily, I don't think I've ever thought about Chelsea's breasts until now.
 
Kola Boof might be on to something but I can assure you that my mother or grandmother won't feel honored to have a (grand)daughter who bares her breasts for the world to see.

Angelina Jolie does not look happy. Or maybe it's a serene look on her face.
 
That statue is about 3 inches high and fits on a key ring- thats my worldview...
 
i like to keep my divine spark hidden away until there's a special occasion...like the company christmas party.

as a 29 year old woman, i'm interested to know when exactly the bloom on the rose goes from "fresh" to "the picture of dorian gray". what do i have...a year? two?
 
Sadly, large parts of the U.S. are devoid of anything worthwhile, save for the patches of crops here and there.

Speaking of crops, someone must tell Chelsea that it's harvest time. Once the poor lass turns 30, she's going to begin to wilt. Unmarried at 30? What will the church ladies think?
 
Hmmm, which American president would be the best looking in drag and which the worst looking. Being an actor and a natually dissembler Reagan could pull it off easy; Obama would never dare; worst-looking? LBJ was ugly enough.
 
Madame Defarge: Your divine spark would surely be evident in a boiler suit, Madame D. And only your most devoted worshippers should be permitted to lick up your drips.

Rubbish: Thank you, Sir. Don't let your mind dwell on them, no good with come of it.

Donut girl: Mothers and grandmothers shouldn't have a veto on everything, Ms Donut. Not that I'm encouraging you, of course.

Mutley: Can you be trusted with a set of keys, Mutley?

Kara: The clock is ticking, Missy, but I think you've got a few years yet if you keep bathing in asses' milk. Smiling a lot is also supposed to be good for the face. There's a challenge for you.

ChrisV82: Yessir! Chelsea looks plenty ripe to me. You've got to pluck the fruit before they turn into pickle!

Gadjo: LBJ would have made a more attractive woman than Bill Clinton, if you ask me. With make-up he might have passed for quite a foxy 60-year-old dame.
 
Walking around topless is a great idea, like letting "the girls" finally be set free. Besides, if men can do it why can't we?
 
sorry, I only project my divine sparks on Fridays
 
If someone were to offer MY mother twenty cows and forty goats for my hand...she'd say why bother and give me over for free. Hillary should have been grateful!

And I've never thought about Angelina's breasts until now. Usually it's just the lips...
 
I only project my divine spark at the beach in summer and on special occasions. In winter it's too cold to do that, so I keep it wrapped.

I bet they'll have a lot of fun in Hicksville with Angelina's statue. Something exciting for the locals, at last.

The guy who offered 20 cows and goats for Chelsea must be wealthy. That's love! I'd like to know what have her other suitors offered.

PS.- Who are Cletus and Thetus? LOL.
 
Oh my God... you were serious about the statue.

So... just a recap of a few things that made me stop to read twice this morning...

milk dumplings
boobaceous munificence

Wow... you've truly outdone yourself my dear=)

I was just thinking that Chelsea looks like the spitting image of dear mum in that pic... hopefully she finds some way of letting loose that won't find its way into the tabloids when she's president someday...

whips and chains are fine for the rest of us...
 
Is that really the correct way to hold twins whilst suckling them? She looks like she's getting off on it. Poor Brad, no room at the inn.
 
Why swap twenty cows and forty goats just for a horse?

I don't understand.
 
Ladytruth: That's the argument used by the Campaign for Top-free Equality. People say the torso of the human male is less distracting for some reason.

Nursemyra: And don't we look forward to it, Nursie.

Ms OWO: You are surely worth more than that, Ms OWO. Do you think the statue is a good likeness?

Leni: Hmm, I'd like to hear more about these "special occasions". I don't think the other suitors have made an offer for Chelsea's hand, those cheapskates probably expect a dowry.

Auri: Thank you, my dear. There is definitely a picture where she looks like Bill, but I couldn't find it. I hope she maintains her dignity.

Lady Daphne: Yes, I'm surprised she's holding their heads. I hope Brad is big enough not to be jealous. He can always order a milkshake instead.

Red Squirrel: Now that's just rude. She isn't is the same league of horsiness as Princess Anne.
 
What I wouldn't give to have a man offer me 20 cows and 40 goats for my hand in marriage! Sigh.

What if your bosoms are so divine that they don't need to be topless to project the divine spark?
 
No. It's horrible.
 
Hahah, Squirrel's comment made me choke on tea.

I really don't know how you write so much good stuff so frequently, Mr B.
 
Not sure I share your Weltanschauung on this one GB, if someone's distracted by your tits you're in a good position to take advantage of them. Surely you've hornswoggled the baboons in this way yourself more than once?
 
O my goodness! Where to begin, where to begin with this world-shattering post!

First, this photo has Chelsea looking rather like Jenny Agutter in her younger days. Truly amazing how well Chelsea looks when she straightens her hair and covers up her fat legs (inherited from mom).

Second, thought you were kidding about the statue. Unbelievable. Were funds from the Oklahoma Federal Building re-building diverted for this purpose? Or paid for by a wealthy Ok-am?

Third, the only thought that also comes to mind is at least Chelsea, at 29, is not popping out illegitimate babies like Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter, or popping out children way past the age she should be, like Sarah Palin herself.

Moo!
 
I would ask for Kola's address, but it is likely that would only result in her wanting to meet me somewhere to have her titties suckled. Liberated women tend to lose their pretentious status after conversing with me.
 
Lola: I'm sure you'll receive an even more generous offer if your bosom is as wonderful as you imply.

Ms OWO: What a pity. I hope the sculptor takes note of your critique.

Rachel: Thanks Rach! I like to keep you entertained!

Inkspot: You're assuming that international politics is always a zero-sum game. I should like to think that President Clinton II would be motivated by higher ideals.

Topiary Cow: Chelsea has fat legs?? Now you've upset me, Ms Cow. That's not what I imagined. I was as surprised about the Oklahoma stature as you. I don't know why they think Ms Jolie's breast-feeding has any relevance to them.

Blase: Hah! You've got a lot of confidence, my friend, but I don't think she likes white men. I'd love to watch you try, though.
 
You can’t have good working relationships with foreign statesmen if they’re thinking about your tits the whole time.

GB, Frau Merkel doesn't do too badly, and as for Mrs Tymoshenko...
 
Great blog!!!
If you like, come back and visit mine: http://albumdeestampillas.blogspot.com

Thanks,
Pablo from Argentina
 
If I were a foreign statesman I'd be more inclined to wonder if she'd let me polish the floorboards under her desk.
 
And there was me thinking she was looking quite stunning lately! You know comparatively. I mean remember braces-sporting 12 year old Chelsea?

Then you pointed out her resemblance to Bill and I lost my stiffy. (it was a metaphorical stiffy)
 
You may be right about superman, apalling fashion sense as well. Incidentally, I actually did walk around bare-breasted and unawares yesterday after a major outfit malfunction. It certainly gets one attention and lots of it.
 
Chelsea has certainly grown into her face. Im told by the yoga teachers that smiling is excellent exercise for your facial muscles and I am sure this is the reason that I am wearing so well for my advanced years. I smile all the time, even if it's only to hide a grimace :)

That way of suckling twins cannot possibly be right. Their bodies would be hanging off the back causing all sorts of drag. She'll end up with tits like pitta bread if she carries on doing it like that.

As to my own divine sparks, they remained hidden for many years until I discovered my inner light. Now I share the glory every couple of months on HNT. Well, for as long as they stay roughly in the correct place. Once gravity has taken its toll, I think everyone's spark might be extinguished :P
 
of course we don't want divine ladies meddling with our earthly politics! keep those realms separated!
 
Oooh, I don't want to go to Chelsea. Or ride her either, but Angelina Jolie on the other hand....is really a bit mental isn't she? Insisting Brad goes to re-hab just cos he smokes a bit of weed. It was in Grazia. Not that I read it, of course.
 
" . . . speculating on which children are the product of an incestuous union."

Probably like choosing which clouds are likely to be made of water.

I think we should start selecting attractive politicians who bare themselves for our titillation. They may very well be incompetent, but so are our current lot and at least we'd have something to look at.
 
There is only one way to suckle twins, and that is to have them in front of you, with their little legs overlapping. You need plenty of cushions, and you must always alternate breasts in case one is a stronger feeder than the other. This worked well for me. I am in my 51st year but was topless in Eze last week. Expectant mothers of twins should follow my faultless example.
 
Mr Boyo: Frau Merkel's bust is protected with static electricity. The statesmen who think about it associate it with electric shocks.

Pablo: I shall dance the tango in your honour.

Natalia: I don't think she'd mind, but you'd be on your own if you got a splinter in your arse.

Vegetable Assassin: She's certainly a late bloomer, and if she takes after her dad she'll know what to do with her metaphorical stiffy.

Lois Lane: How embarrassing. I hope you got looks of admiration rather than smirks.
 
Joanna: It's a pity they didn't receive more admiration in their prime, Joanna, but you've shown us there's life in them yet.

Borah: You're right, Deb, goddesses are strictly for worshipping. Getting involved in politics would remove the lustre from their bust.

Emerson: I can see you're an avid News of the Screws reader. Maybe Chelsea should offer herself to Chelsea's leading goal scorer.

The Jules: That was the essence of La Cicciolina's political creed. I believe there are ladies in Italy who are following in her footsteps.

Mrs Pouncer: I'm sure they will follow your illustrious example, Mrs P, and not just in the manner of breast-feeding. Some day you will have to divulge the secret of your youthful face, girlish figure and sexy feet.
 
Sage advice, I'd say.

Hope Chelsea considers it.

:D
 
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