Monday, September 07, 2009

Change in Japan

Someone has told me that Japan has a new prime minister. I never knew it had an old one to be honest, but the holder of the office has my full support, whoever he is. It can’t be much fun managing the affairs of a nation on the edge of the world, with the Pacific Ocean on one side and people who dislike you on the other. I have a theory that the further humans migrated from the Mother Continent, the stranger they became in their customs and behaviour. I asked the manager of the safari camp what he thought about it, and he said that Japan is the only country whose porn stars still have pubic hair. Fascinating titbit, but I don’t think it conclusively disproves my theory.

The new PM looks like a schoolboy who suffers from a premature ageing disease. His wife’s appearance is far more impressive. I would guess she was a cheeky minx in her youth and became an even cheekier minx as she got older. She claims to have been
abducted by aliens. Apparently they behaved like perfect gentlemen, taking her on a sightseeing trip to Venus and letting her go on all their best rides. As the new first lady of Japan, she ought to invite them back for a state visit. They could land their flying saucer on the summit of Mount Fuji and toboggan down the slope to Tokyo.

People often assume that the first alien delegation to visit Earth will appear on the White House lawn, but I think that might end in disaster. The president would be hospitable enough, but his secret service men would go nuts, pulling out their weapons and jumping on any aliens who made a sudden move. I sense that Japan would be a much better place for their first visit. The humans there are too steeped in manners and etiquette to do anything that might upset their guests. The cultural attractions are also of the highest standard. There are few more intriguing spectacles than a pair of obese men in nappies bouncing off each other in a sumo ring.

A Japanese tourist once asked me for my autograph after seeing me perform in the circus. “GB-san,” he said, “you should come to Japan and join a sumo school – you would become a great yokozuna.”

I studied his face carefully to ascertain whether he was pulling my leg, but his demeanour gave me no clue. These Orientals can be very inscrutable, even to a gorilla.

“Your confidence in my wrestling ability is well-founded,” I replied, “but I could not wear the girdle your wrestlers wrap around their loins. We gorillas need air to circulate around our nether regions. Adopting that form of dress would be like putting vegetables in a pressure cooker.”

He bowed and left without further comment. “A master of the art of polite conversation,” I thought. I wish more humans knew when to shut up and leave.

The aliens would surely enjoy a sumo tournament, even without my participation, but they should be kept well clear of public transport. The Japanese may be well-mannered on formal occasions, but pack them into crowded commuter trains and they turn into
demonic gropers. It’s normally nubile women who are targeted for such attention, but I doubt the fiends responsible would be able to resist a pert pair of alien buttocks. I’ve never seen an alien react to having its arse pinched, but there’s a fair chance it wouldn’t like it. The peace of the galaxy is more important than experiments in social etiquette.

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Im confused. Why have you put Quark's Ferenghi nephew who joined StarFleet on there? I know it looks like he is wearing his bottom on his head, but...
Hey GB-san *snicker*, this groping business must stop. Can't you send a couple of baboons over there to help them out? Sometimes manners are so overrated. I have been groped several times and it makes my blood boil. Monologues will be cut short and crotches will be met with a swift kick.

The new prime minister looks like a groper who pretends not to be a groper.
Surely even a polite Japanese lady can't be so gullible to fall for the line: We're aliens and we're taking you on "a sightseeing trip to Venus" and letting you go on "all our best rides".
I absolutely love Japan and its culture!!! Can't wait to visit it....might even give sumo a try! :p
The PM's wife looks like a cross between Diane Sawyer and Connie Chung. Seriously, take a good look and you'll see what I mean.

A Grown-Ass Woman was meant to have pubic hair. A Landing-Strip at the least makes for accentuated sensual foreplay...imho

"Inscrutable" because they all look alike. Try to describe an Asian! It's the same every damn time.
oh yeah..

The next time somebody gropes Donut Girl, that individual will have to face ME. If anyone is going to be groping Dutch girl, it will be will be whoever she prefers to do said groping.
Oh gropers... eek! I haven't seen them since I was a student and took the subway to go to the University!

I think you should reconsider the sumo school offer, Mr B. They're considered the sexiest men in Japan, they can eat and travel for free and they always have women knocking at their doors. They're like living gods. Wouldn't it be nice?
*chuckles* Well, the PM's wife sounds ;-)
As for gropers, I can imagine that it must be very frustrating to look behind you and wonder who it was that pinched you...;-)
Joanna: Because he's just had his bum pinched, Joanna. Why else would he be glaring at the woman behind him?

Donut girl: You have my sympathy, Miss Donut. The only solution is to catch the culprits and make an example of them. I have several ideas for humiliating punishments. In the meantime, consider wearing a suit of armour like Xena the Warrior Princess.

Gadjo: It sounds corny, but the aliens were as good as their world. That's what she said, anyway.

Sabrina: How about being a geisha girl, Saby? I bet you serve a mean cup of tea!

Blase: A landing strip? Does that mean you couldn't land in the right place without it? Miss Donut knows full well what you'd do if she gave you half a chance.

Leni: But their life expectancy is 10-15 years lower, Leni. And there's no point being attractive to women if you have to use a harness to mate with them.

Eve: More infuriating than frustrating, Eve. I hope your lovely bottom is spared the indignity.
I hope aliens don't land in Japan. What could be more embarassing than our extra terrestial neighbours landing only to be rounded up, skinned and stir fried with noodles and some soya sauce.
Hmm, just crossed "experience Japanese transport" off the list. The last thing I want is to be groped by a gorilla.
We have louds of Japanese women round here studying at the university. They give me the horn something rotten. Don't they have holes in the wall as hotel rooms in Japan?
She actually went on a long drinking binge sea voyage with Uncle Gabby and myself. We thought she was going to tell the hubby she'd had a bout of amnesia but she went with the alien story instead.

P.S. Gabby says "Hey".
I wish more humans knew when to shut up and leave too
I have a feeling that being groped by a gorilla might be a lovely experience... care to come for a visit GB?
We've got lots of Ferenghi here too. LOL
Rubbish: That dish sounds Chinese to me. The Japanese would eat them raw...but only if they were very hungry.

Mo.: Don't talk until you've tried it. You won't find many gorillas in Japan, so come to the Congo and meet my females.

Emerson: It's very crowded in Japan, so they have to economize on space. How much room would you need if you were with a Japanese woman?

Drinky Cow: I hope you and Uncle Gabby kept her entertained, she seems to be full of beans. I'm partial to a cruise myself, so perhaps we will meet in the future.

Nursemyra: I'm sure you're good at telling them to can it, Nursie.

Auri: A very tempting invitation, Auri. We groom a lot, so our touch is quite gentle.

KNYH: Hello and welcome. They're not the prettiest, but giving their heads a good shine might be fun.
I could compromise on space.
How many buttocks do aliens have, because if it's more than seven or eight I'd find it hard to resist as well.

We goose in peace.
Wrestling is overrated anyway.
I can't imagine you as a sumo wrestler. the sight of you in a skimpy loincloth would set me all a quiver. I may have to fling myself at your feet and demand retribution.
what's wrong with pubic hair anyway?

i know when to shut up and leave.. i'm shutting up and leaving, right now.
I used to live near the British Museum and had a lot of fun misdirecting Japanese tourists in the vicinity. They would ask where is British Museum? and I would tell them they had it all wrong and needed to take the train to South Ken.
Cow also has difficulty in resisting a pert pair of alien buttocks.


PS EmmaK is evil.....ha!
Emerson: I bet you could. You might need to be a contortionist though.

The Jules: Isn't quality more important than quantity? I wouldn't want to see 100 alien arse cheeks quivering like jelly.

Ms OWO: Maybe you haven't tried it with the right person.

Madame Defarge: You have done nothing to merit my vengeance, Madame Defarge. I would be inclined to show you mercy in any case.

Hussy: Hello Madame Hussy. I think you have made a very good point. Public hair is quite harmless unless lice make a home of it.

Emmak: You did them no disservice, Emma. The museums near South Ken are more interesting anyway.

Topiary Cow: I hope Ms Cow is made Earth's first ambassador to an alien planet.
I absolutely looooove having my hair played with... I better watch it or I'll turn in to the man in the story above... yikes...
So do I, Auri. Especially the hair on my back.
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